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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

War caused by cheesecake

96 replies

NoelEdmondsbeard · 19/08/2018 13:05

Name changed for this.

I am a new mum and live in a block of flats in a city. I have struggled to meet other mums but by chance bumped into another mum in the lifts one day. We got talking and she invited me to meet other local mums and attend a few baby groups.This was wonderful and provided some good activities for me and 5 month old bubba.

But last month she got really cold towards me. Stopped inviting me to groups/get togethers, said she was too busy for a meet up and even blanked me once in our buildings reception. I was perplexed because we had had no argument.

Well I asked what I had done to a new mum (who has become a mutual friend) and she revealed that this friend was upset due to an incident that had occurred at our last mums get together. A buffet was laid out, we had all bought some food, and she had made some home made mini ginger cheesecakes in little ramekins. All the other mums were raving about these cheesecakes and she invited me to have one. I took one bite and it was horrible. I forced myself to take another bite but really could not stomach any more. All the other mums had gobbled theirs up, so I thought I could not leave mine uneaten. So I discreetly scooped it up in a napkin and put it in my pocket. Turned out the mum had seen me do this!

She told our mutual friend she had never been so offended and that I was very rude. Our mutual friend suggested I text an apology and give her a sorry gift as she was really upset. She apparently said she wanted a "big gesture" if she was ever going to be my friend again. She was also upset that she had introduced me to her friendship group yet I had been so snobby to refuse to eat her cheesecake.

I am very embarrassed that she saw me get rid of her cheesecake. But I could not eat it and did not mean to offend.Blush

And part of me thinks she should just accept she makes mushy cheesecake and laugh it off. This is surely not worth ending a friendship over.

Is cheesecake such a big deal? AIBU?

OP posts:
ManyCrisps · 19/08/2018 13:39

How the fuck is not wanting to eat shit food snobby

percheron67 · 19/08/2018 13:39

Perhaps she doesn't like people who say "bubba"?

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 19/08/2018 13:40

Ignore. Cheesecake woman is obviously a drama queen, it’s not like you clutched your throat and staggered round making choking noises. Imagine if a real conflict situation arose, she‘d be demanding a UN resolution.

pouraglasshalffull · 19/08/2018 13:40

Oh, I forgot to add. Don't buy her a bloody gift what a waste of money. You are in the wrong but a simple apology will suffice, a present is way over the top

Guienne · 19/08/2018 13:40

Can you say you realised there could be something in the cheesecake that you are allergic to but didn't want to make a fuss? You'd have to be careful to choose a genuine allergen, and one where you couldn't be caught out if she's seen you eating anything similar.

dangermouseisace · 19/08/2018 13:40

YANBU. I think the new friend demanding a ‘big gesture’ for your crime of trying to disguise the fact you disliked her cheesecake, is a bit dramatic and entitled.

StoatOfManyColours · 19/08/2018 13:42

Ugh, be friends with normal people. You've got nothing in common with these people apart from the fact you've recently had babies. Even the mutual friend isn't coming out of this well, as anyone sane would have be roaring at the 'big gesture' nonsense and siding with you.

Fuck 'em all OP. It may take time to meet normal parents, but they're out there somewhere.

Oblomov18 · 19/08/2018 13:44

She sounds like a complete drama Queen!

MyDirtyLittleSecret · 19/08/2018 13:47

You tried to be discreet about the crappy cheesecake, she saw you and took the huff. Fact is you were in a lose lose situation with a person like this, if you'd just left it after taking a bite sounds like she'd still have been offended. Honestly, don't give it another thought, meet her cold distance with cool indifference.

TheProvincialLady · 19/08/2018 13:51

Just be grateful she let you know who is is this early on. You could have wasted months and years on this stupid idiot. Find some nice friends.

theymademejoin · 19/08/2018 13:53

@sirfredfredgeorge - pocketing the food is really odd, what it demonstrates is a lack of friendship and deceit

I don't think I could get invested enough to get miffed. I would think it was odd but would most likely just presume that person doing it was a bit awkward and shy.

WaterOffaDucksCrack · 19/08/2018 13:53

You're both in the wrong! You sound very immature for trying to hide it when the adult thing would have just been to say "thank you for offering it's just not to my taste sorry!" If she got funny about that then that would be ridiculous. The fact it's been dragged out and mostly via hearsay is pathetic on both your parts. Time to leave the friendship I think.

KinkyAfro · 19/08/2018 13:53

percheron67 don't be so pathetic, there's really no need.

I agree with dirtylittlesecret, OP was trying to be discreet, by the sounds of it, batshit woman wouldn't have been impressed if you told her you didn't like it

ScreamingValenta · 19/08/2018 13:54

A sorry gift? Make her a lovely cheese cake!

mumsastudent · 19/08/2018 13:55

ginger can be a bit like marmite - love it or hate it - (I love it :) ) she was a bit precious - (also thinking of cheese cake banana & toffee or caramel …..)

PaulRuddislush · 19/08/2018 14:02

The cheesecake couldn't have been that bad if everyone else ate it and enjoyed it, so saying it's shit is just a bit nasty.
Sticking it in your pocket was a bit childish and doing it without checking she was watching you is rude and stupid.
Her reaction is ridiculous but so were your actions. You kind of deserve each other.

Dahlietta · 19/08/2018 14:02

You tried to be discreet about the crappy cheesecake

I don't know that she did. Scooping it out and putting it in a napkin without checking whether the person who made it was watching...? She is being ridiculous though - why can't people just say, "Oi, I saw that! Why didn't you just put it back on the table with some left in it? I probably wouldn't even have known it was you who didn't finish it!" and be done with it?

Dahlietta · 19/08/2018 14:03

Cross post with Paul Wink

claresheep · 19/08/2018 14:15

on the surface this is almost amusing, but I am sure you are upset OP, you took the plunge to try to meet new people and this is what you got. I suspect it goes deeper with this woman, she probably couldn't cope with an "intruder" to the group and has picked on any reason to cold-shoulder you.
you will find better friends and she probably has form for this....

Original poster
NoelEdmondsbeard · 19/08/2018 14:19

The thing I genuinely did not mean to offend. With very close friends I would have been more open but this was a relatively new friendship and I actually thought I would spare her the embarrassment. Mission failed!

At the get together the cheesecakes became the star attraction. The friend talked about how she had made them the day before, how she stored them, what recipe she used. Other mums were going for second helpings and asking for the recipe. So I felt really awkward taking a dislike.

Ginger is like marmite as someone said!

OP posts:
LEMtheoriginal · 19/08/2018 14:21

Buy her a cookbook?

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 19/08/2018 14:34

Neither of you come out of this well. She worse than you, tbf. Wanting a 'big gesture' and a gift (!)? She sounds the very definition of 'hard work'.

Text 'I understand I upset you and I'm very sorry to hear that. I really don't like ginger [assuming this is actually the case - if not you will just have to say 'that particular combination of ingredients in your cheesecake' or something] and I didn't wish to upset you or appear rude, so I panicked a little and chose an unfortunate and in retrospect silly solution. I'm sorry.' And leave it at that (certainly no gifts or gestures!). Then you've done the right thing and it's now her turn to. You can make your next steps dependent on how she responds. I'd definitely advise keeping a bit more of a distance from her in future, though.

ResistanceIsNecessary · 19/08/2018 14:34

In the interests of neighbourly harmony buy a cheap card and pop it through her door.

Bumped into X recently who said that you were upset I didn't enjoy the cheesecake you made. I don't like ginger but didn't want to offend you so thought that it would be more polite not to mention it because you'd gone to so much trouble. I'm sorry if I've offended you - it was not my intention to do so. Thank you for inviting me to the get together and I hope that I'll see you again soon.

It's polite but not gushing. It also puts the ball back in her court, because if she continues to blank you then you know she's being a petty idiot and not worth bothering with.

percheron67 · 19/08/2018 14:36

KinkyAfro. Pathetic? I don't think so. Simply saying that some people mix well, others may not fit in!!

AntiHop · 19/08/2018 14:40

I would just stay away. She sounds irrational and immature.

Keep going to baby groups, strike up conversation with other parents, suggest further meet ups and hopefully you'll meet some nice people.