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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to worry baby will be ugly like me?

79 replies

namechangedembarassedmum · 18/08/2018 19:51

MN regular but NC for this. I of course want a healthy baby above all else, so I apologise if this seems crass, but I'm really quite distressed about it. When I look in the mirror I feel distraught at the thought that the baby might come out looking like hideous me. I'm not particularly attractive and loads of people would likely describe me as ugly, and I've been struggling with body image even more during pregnancy. I've somehow been lucky to have a loving and attractive DH and I hope the baby looks like him. (This is something that's always been troubling for me, people always remark how handsome DH is when they see photos, and I can tell they're surprised someone so good looking would be with someone like me Blush)

I know I will love my baby no matter what (and again, want the baby to be healthy and happy above all else) but I just feel bloody awful that it might go through its life as the ugly one and have to be skipped over in favour of other boys/girls, or just the disappointment and frustration of looking in the mirror every day. I've accepted that I'll never win any prizes for my looks but it's taken me a long time and I feel sad for a baby to have to go through that as well. Anyone else felt this way? I'm rather embarrassed and can't dream of bringing it up during a midwife visit.

OP posts:
TinklyLittleLaugh · 18/08/2018 23:12

I'm average/a bit rough, DH is bloody gorgeous. My youngest daughter looks like DH and my very beautiful sister: she has perfect features and is very, very pretty.

But you know how Noel Gallagher is the uglier version of Liam, even though they are obviously brothers? Well my eldest daughter, she has a big mouth, big eyes, big nose, slightly wonky teeth, a round kind of face.

But her eyes really sparkle, her big mouth is always laughing. She goes to the gym a lot and has a figure to die for. She looks after herself and her hair is swishy, her skin is clear, her teeth are white. And she has bags of charm and charisma, at 22 she has lads falling over themselves for her. Right now she has three exes absolutely besotted with her to the extent of writing her poems and love letters.

She laughingly told me that she didn't realise she wasn't really pretty until she was grown up, because everybody in the family always told her she was. But she reckons everybody she meets seems to firmly believe she Is prettier than she is, so she is going along with it.

Vinylsamso · 18/08/2018 23:14

You’re be suprised. A few things I hate about myself that DD has inherited that don’t seem to bad on him! Almost like he can pull it off!? Clearly same things but I only think good things about him so can’t associate flaws with ugly on him. So what you find gross about yourself doesn’t seem so gross on someone else.

Candyflip · 18/08/2018 23:17

You seem very preoccupied with looks and that is just not normal. It sounds like your self esteem is the problem not your looks, and yes, that will rub off on your child. Have you thought of therapy?

Urbanbeetler · 18/08/2018 23:20

I know you don’t mean to be offensive - I really do - but this is an incredibly offensive thread. Like we have no value unless we look a certain way. Stop perpetuating this shite, please. That’s what you need to work on not passing on to your dc, not your looks genes.

Singingitoverandoverandover · 18/08/2018 23:25

I think everyone has worries like this to some extent.
Seen threads where ladies are offended because people keep saying the baby looks like the dad and not them.
Does anyone Have kids that look the spitting image of them? Usually you get some kind of mix. Be that of relatives or whatever.
I have 4 siblings. We have the sAme dads . Between us there is 3 hair colours, 3 eye colours and different heights and weights. You would never put as together if you didn’t know. And not one of us is the “double” of our mum or dad.. we are all a mix.
My kids look have my eyes, my partners nose and one has hair from a distance relative and one looks nothing like either of us at all but is gorgeous.

Genetics are a funny thing. Look a it this way. Realistically there is MUCH more chance your kid won’t be the spitting age of just yourself. So much more likely they will be a mix of both of you or some relatives.

Be kind to yourself. You are growing a human. ( a beautiful one ) Flowers

JaceLancs · 18/08/2018 23:25

I’m average looking with a stunning DD and a very attractive DS
Their father (exDH) was good looking in his youth but hasn’t worn well
I’ve improved with age

Maverick66 · 18/08/2018 23:27

I have two daughters, both beautiful, I'm not.

Singingitoverandoverandover · 18/08/2018 23:27

Urbandon’t talk crap. People are entitled to express their worries and feelings. If someone doesn’t like themselves it’s not that odd that they might not want to create another “them” , however sad that may be

Urbanbeetler · 18/08/2018 23:32

And I am strongly stating another view which illustrates op’s value is not encapsulate her looks. That is an important message to pass to our dc.

Quantumblue · 18/08/2018 23:36

I read somewhere that being pregnant sure flicks open the clasps of all your emotional baggage and this is such a good example of it.
We all want our dc to escape the pain we have had in our own lives. You can't control what your dc looks like. You can control what she hears every day at home about looks, value, the power of others'opinions etc. I would suggest maybe a couple of counselling sessions to put behind you the pain you have experienced over this so you can raise your child with joy and positivity and instil a strysense if worth inher which is unrelated to her physical appearance.
Also I second that producing baby will give you a boost of amazed wonder at your own body. Enjoy this!

Bineverywhere · 18/08/2018 23:37

My children are very beautiful... And I've come to understand I see myself in their faces. So perhaps I'm not as ugly as I thought I was!

BigBlueBubble · 18/08/2018 23:39

I have the same worries OP. My DH had a hard time in his teens and early 20s because he wasn’t good looking and therefore lacked confidence and self esteem. He didn’t have a girlfriend till he was mid 20s and even now (in his 40s) he still hates what he sees in the mirror and it knocks his confidence. I worry because I don’t want that experience for my son.

Urbanbeetler · 18/08/2018 23:44

Our judging of our children based on their conventional beauty (or not) starts this negative journey. Teach them to be good and true and honest and have integrity. And to value themselves as people, so they can go out in the world as productive, positive people. So much great potential for everyone of our babies.

LunaTheCat · 18/08/2018 23:53

You sound like you are in an awful space. Could you be depressed? I think you should talk to your midwife or GP.
Take care ( virtual hug🌻)

ConkerGame · 18/08/2018 23:56

A close friend of mine has two fairly unfortunate looking parents (Sorry, I know that’s unkind - I’m only being this blunt to help you out!).

First of all, they are both happy and have found happiness and second of all, my friend is one of the most beautiful people I’ve ever seen. So clearly looks don’t always directly translate from parents to children!

GrasswillbeGreener · 19/08/2018 00:00

My two teens have both got their father's sticky-out ears. But somehow their hair has always grown in a way that reduced the impact. Ears came up in conversation yesterday (something my husband said about his haircut as a child...) and it turns out they've both got through childhood without ever realising their ears stuck out.

They were beautiful babies and more than once I've had comments made to me on how good-looking they both are.

Your baby will also be beautiful. Even if he/she shares features that might have an unfortunate effect, you will find that something else negates that.

Original poster
namechangedembarassedmum · 19/08/2018 00:00

Thank you again for the overwhelmingly kind and supportive words. It quite helps to hear that many of you have had similar worries.

I apologise to anyone I have offended. If it wasn't clear from my original post, I of course want only a healthy and happy baby. And as an unattractive person who has not benefitted in life from my looks, I agree that the emphasis on appearance is well too much. And certainly not something I want to press upon my DC. But it exists nonetheless. I will hope that my baby is smart, capable, good humoured, etc, all of the things that make people beautiful on the inside (the only place where it should matter!) but of course we don't live in the world where looks are invisible.

OP posts:
Cheekyandfreaky · 19/08/2018 00:04

OP, I’ve always been bothered by the word ‘ugly’ because I genuinely would not apply it to anyone. There are people I find attractive or not, quite often others might not agree with me on them. Your partner who presumably chose to have a child with you or is happy to have a child with you finds you attractive. You seem lovely on this thread (a bit insecure maybe but nobody is perfect). I don’t think you’re ugly.

Another thing to think about ‘what other people think about me is none of my business’, if you’re ugly by other people’s standards- who cares? What matters is what you feel about yourself. Love yourself OP, you are the most beautiful version of you- no better version of you exists. That all sounds soppy, but you’re OP made me want to hug you.

DiscoDown · 19/08/2018 00:35

I agree with other posters that I doubt you're as unattractive as you think. I'm not pretty (plain on a good day!) but everyone says how gorgeous DS is. And my DNiece wasn't the prettiest baby (she was cute, all babies are, but her older sister was always very pretty), but she's a teenager now and beautiful. I'm sure your baby will be beautiful too. Xxx

harrietm87 · 19/08/2018 03:58

OP genes are such weird things - the most beautiful person I know has two quite unattractive parents, yet she looks like them both. Like a pp said it's like their features just work in combination and on her. I don't think I'm very attractive but pretty sure I've got the world's most beautiful baby! You will think the same when you meet him/her and these worries will melt away.

Sashkin · 19/08/2018 05:57

I’m quite weird-looking and I did actually have similar worries to you when I was pregnant. I always wished that I could be beautiful (or even just more conventionally attractive) growing up. But actually DS has ended up looking like an angelic version of me. Same colouring and eyes, but cherubic little face and adorable beaming smile.

Random strangers come up to us in the street to tell me how beautiful he is. Some woman took a photo of him today because he was so cute (which was actually fucking weird). And obviously he is my PFB so I think he is wonderful. Please don’t worry about this. Your baby will be beautiful.

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 19/08/2018 06:13

I'm kind of with Urbanbeetler - it troubles me that you describe yourself as ugly, and it troubles me that so many PPs aren't challenging the concept. Yes, there are more and less conventionally attractive people. But ugly people? Honestly, have any of you ever met a person and felt revulsion, that you couldn't stand to look at him/her, solely on the basis of their looks? It's warmth, or lack of it, that I notice in a person and that determines the pleasantness of their features.

OP, where did you get this idea that you are 'ugly'?

Cornishclio · 19/08/2018 06:45

Beauty or attractiveness is incredibly subjective. Everyone finds different traits attractive and I think I would hesitate to call anyone ugly. That is a low self esteem issue for you which you should work on for you and your child. Does your DH know you think you are ugly?

I think most of us when pregnant worry about our babies health and sometimes if they will have particular traits of ours we don't like eg big nose, ginger hair etc etc. I am sure you will love your baby no matter what they look like and everyone has some attractive characteristics.

SoHumble · 19/08/2018 20:51

I was badly bullied for how I looked growing up. This has had a impact on how I feel about my appearance. My children look like me. I do cringe a bit inside when people tell me that (and they do ALL the time!).

But this is my issue. My children are their own wonderful selves. How ever they look.

Luckymummy22 · 19/08/2018 21:07

My DH and I are pretty average. My DD looks like both of us but is not at all average. I would find her gorgeous no matter what but she definitely has got the best bits of us. And put it together and is a child that people comment on her looks even though she’s not a baby/toddler anymore. Who knows how she will look when she’s older.
My son is gorgeous and so handsome to me but i don’t think he stands out the same way she does.
I actually prefer that as i’m not someone who really bothers with how I look.