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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to worry baby will be ugly like me?

79 replies

namechangedembarassedmum · 18/08/2018 19:51

MN regular but NC for this. I of course want a healthy baby above all else, so I apologise if this seems crass, but I'm really quite distressed about it. When I look in the mirror I feel distraught at the thought that the baby might come out looking like hideous me. I'm not particularly attractive and loads of people would likely describe me as ugly, and I've been struggling with body image even more during pregnancy. I've somehow been lucky to have a loving and attractive DH and I hope the baby looks like him. (This is something that's always been troubling for me, people always remark how handsome DH is when they see photos, and I can tell they're surprised someone so good looking would be with someone like me )

I know I will love my baby no matter what (and again, want the baby to be healthy and happy above all else) but I just feel bloody awful that it might go through its life as the ugly one and have to be skipped over in favour of other boys/girls, or just the disappointment and frustration of looking in the mirror every day. I've accepted that I'll never win any prizes for my looks but it's taken me a long time and I feel sad for a baby to have to go through that as well. Anyone else felt this way? I'm rather embarrassed and can't dream of bringing it up during a midwife visit.

OP posts:

Original poster

namechangedembarassedmum · 18/08/2018 20:38

Thank you for the kind replies. I'm not so much worried that I'll find the baby ugly, but that the baby will look like me and have to deal with being ugly in the world and suffer because of that, if you see what I mean. And that if I look at the baby and see myself, I'll just feel sad and guilty for having brought it into the world and spread my rubbish ugly genes around

OP posts:

DownstairsMixUp · 18/08/2018 20:38

I'm awful looking to op but my boys are very handsome, often get comments about how good they look with surprised faces when they see me 😂 also, pregnancy is hard and we are harder on ourselves then to. I'm sure you are fine xx

dragonslair · 18/08/2018 20:39

Also it is very well proven that people partner with people who are the same level of "attractive" as they are. So if your gorgeous DH picked you, you probably are pretty great too! Maybe you have some body dysmorphia issues? Whatever, your baby is going to be amazing.

MarshaBradyo · 18/08/2018 20:40

I think you’ll see your baby as a beautiful separate entity and I don’t think you’ll feel rubbish

Mumshotel · 18/08/2018 20:40

I don't want to be horrible but I can imagine this is more in your thoughts than reality. I bet everyone who knows you would never describe you how you describe yourself. Your baby will be beautiful and you should concentrate on trying to enjoy such an amazing time that you deserve to enjoy. Your baby will think you are beautiful and love you unconditionally, as you him. That's all that matters xxxx

limitedscreentime · 18/08/2018 20:40

I’m no oil painting at all (also iterated by others) whilst my DH is often described by others as ‘a hottie’. Our first born was not an attractive baby and I’ll admit I did struggle a bit as felt I was supposed to think he was gorgeous and also felt people were lying when they said he was gorgeous and I hate insincerity. The resemblance was definitely my side of the family. He is an absolutely gorgeous toddler though, although he still looks more like my side of the family and I have been told he could do modelling.

I’ve repeated what others have said here because beauty really is in the eye. I think I am realistic about looks but hormones do so funny things to you to. There’s nothing you can do about it regardless so don’t waste your time or energy or dwell on it, particularly when your child hasn’t even been born. Your child will look as they look and I’m sure they will be gorgeous. There is hope! Mine are proof of that (number 2 is, and always has been much more of a looker!).

pasttimes11 · 18/08/2018 20:41

Op i can honestly say i've never thought anyone ugly because of their looks. Beauty really does come from within. There are people who i suppose could be described as "beautiful" but if they aren't on the inside then that will show through. I bet people will think of you as beautiful, your Dh obviously does. I bet your baby will be gorgeous.

Zippea · 18/08/2018 20:42

I’m a minger - well groomed but a minger nonetheless

Both my girls are beautiful, they really are stunning. I hope I am raising two confident children because I would hate for them to feel about themselves just a fraction of how I perceive myself.

I try very hard not to talk negatively about my figure, my disability, my looks etc as I want them to have a positive role model when it comes to being confident, having great self esteem etc.

Funnily enough, you’ll see your own characteristics in your child and will admire them. My girls have amazing eyes - I’ve admired them for years - it dawned on me a while back that they have my eyes!

lifeisateacher · 18/08/2018 20:42

namechangedembarrassedmum hugs for you. You are being very harsh on yourself. You said you are ugly and dh is attractive. Your attractive and loving dh found something beautiful in you. You are not ugly. You are being very critical of yourself.
Please please try to improve your self-esteem. Not being judgemental, I also suffer from low self-esteem, so I know how hard it can be.
About advantage of being conventionally beautiful, society is changing and more and more people today are questioning existing beauty standards. It will continue to change for better.
What's important is that your kid is confident and have a healthy self-esteem and for that you need to have a better self-esteem, which you can :)
You sound like a lovely person, and will be great mother.

bibizizi · 18/08/2018 20:43

I agree with Peace 245, I have disgusting dark frizzy coarse hair and also was so worried my DC would have the same, but they all have gorgeous soft silky hair DC 1 brunette and DC 2 boy/girl twins have beautiful golden hair. If your baby daddy found you good enough then please please please don't worry about your baby. Anyway people can be be beautiful outside and sooooo ugly inside.

MarshaBradyo · 18/08/2018 20:44

I do think you can improve your self esteem too because it’s likely you are being way too harsh and it would be a shame for you to feel badly in any way if you pick up on your traits in your dc

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 18/08/2018 20:46

Not only will you find your baby beautiful, but your baby will look adoringly at you and find you beautiful. Just you wait!

MarshaBradyo · 18/08/2018 20:47

And when they get older if some one says oh your dc look like you don’t say poor thing say lucky thing - they’ll remember when this they’re older

MirriVan · 18/08/2018 20:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Yarnswift · 18/08/2018 20:48

I have in all honesty never seen an ugly baby. They are all amazing in some way, regardless of squishiness, pointy heads, grumpy looks, monobrows or that furious piglet look some have. All are beautiful simply because they are brand new. They are wondrous.

I very much doubt you’re ugly either. Again at risk of sounding a bit like a hallmark card, decent people are rarely if ever ugly. Behaviours are ugly, hateful opinions can be ugly, but a mum about to have a baby? Nah. And I say that as someone also about to have a baby, who is short, spherical and a total mess right now. You might not be getting a modelling contract (but god who is? Join the club there) but I very much doubt you’re ugly. Most people are just within normal.

The eyes of a newborn are the most beautiful thing in the world. I wish you a safe a straightforward birth - please enjoy your lovely newborn.

TubeTop · 18/08/2018 20:49

Here's something I would never say out loud IRL, but I'll put it here because it might make you feel better...

However before I tell you this silly thing I'll first say that your baby will be beautiful, especially to you and DP because he's/ she's your wonderful baby! Plus, I'm sure you do not look ugly! Sadly lots of people feel they do but it's low self esteem really.

Anyway...

My friends are in a couple and one is average looking and one is not good looking and has some strange aspects to their facial features and body shape and size. When they had their first baby the less good looking one was saying OMG I hope the baby looks like DP not me! And secretly inside I hoped that too. However, the baby, now 5, is the spitting image of the less good looking parent... but in a really beautiful way! It's as if the features have come out in a slightly differently proportioned way or something but on the child they are stunning. And I would be admitting it if the child wasn't pretty, because these are my honest secret thoughts here.

So even if the baby does take after the less cute parent, it will still be beautiful!

pouraglasshalffull · 18/08/2018 20:51

First of all, beauty is extremely subject, what you think is beautiful or ugly will be different to what everyone else on this post thinks.

I used to think I was unattractive mainly because of my nose, but I found my husband who loved my regardless of my imperfections and it made me realise that how I look really doesn't matter. What makes someone beautiful is being a kind, caring, loving and good person. Just as what makes someone ugly is being rude, impolite, a generally nasty person.

When your baby is born you will think they are the most beautiful thing ever to grace the Earth and you will think it for the rest of your life. Don't worry about trivial things like this, you'll look back one and regret not being happy in the moment more instead of worrying about things that don't really matter x

Echo2 · 18/08/2018 20:55

Your baby will be beautiful - just like you.

HeddaGarbled · 18/08/2018 20:57

I know extremely attractive couples who produced babies who looked distinctly odd and normal couples who produced little angels. Also beautiful babies who grew up ordinary and vice versa.

MirriVan · 18/08/2018 20:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bluetrews25 · 18/08/2018 21:02

We are all our own harshest critics, OP.
Your inner beauty shines out from your posts, and your caring, kind and thoughtful personality.
Please speak to your midwife about your concerns, or your GP. I hope they do more than just tell you you are not ugly - I hope that they check that you do not have perinatal depression. Your low self esteem is concerning.
In the same way that anorexics see themselves as fat, those with LSE can see themselves as ugly, which can be far from the truth, but you will never be reassured about your looks until you feel better about your character.
I hope you can heal your inner hurt.

Alicatz66 · 18/08/2018 22:38

Sorry .. but this is the stupidest thread I've seen for ages .. get a grip

NotUmbongoUnchained · 18/08/2018 22:43

My daughter was an ugly baby but an absolutely stunning toddler! Most kids do tend to blossom.

LaurieMarlow · 18/08/2018 23:06

I'm not much to write home about looks wise. Yet both my children are utterly gorgeous. .

It will be the same for you, just wait and see.

Vinylsamso · 18/08/2018 23:10

Loved the bit about the the fancy top for the fancy girl! Good job mum 👍🏻

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