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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To choose nursery over my MIL

62 replies

twiggy1984 · 18/08/2018 01:19

AIBU?

Hi everyone,

I’m after your thoughts regarding childcare after a particularly big row with my OH...

Our DS is nearly 18 months and attends nursery 2 days a week. My mum also has him one afternoon a week on her day off work. He absolutely loves nursery (it’s a home-based nursery) which has made going back to work so much easier.

I’m changing my work hours and need childcare for an extra day so want to put him in nursery for that day but my OH is adamant that his mother looks after him on that day, to both save us money and so she can bond with DS more.

Problem is, my MIL lives with her own mum (in her mum’s tiny house) as her full time carer and is also currently caring for my OH’s dad’s mum who is on end of life care. So in essence she is caring for two elderly people so I don’t think she has the time/attention to be able to care for an 18 month old all day! AIBU?

MIL is desperate to have him and my OH says that it would make her so happy as her life is pretty hard as a carer. But I don’t think my son should be used as a way to make his grandparents feel better! I want what is best for him which I think is nursery considering the circumstances. I don’t think she would be able to fully concentrate on caring for my son, which lets face it is hard work at this age (any age!) while she has two elderly people to care for. Plus how boring it would be for him being stuck in a tiny house all day with carers and nurses coming in and out all day. My OH dismisses this and said she’s great with kids (which she is) and how she looks after his sister’s older kids (but not on a regular weekly basis) and that it’s not fair how my mum gets to have him and not his mum.

We can afford the extra day at nursery although obviously it would be nice to save £45 a week. It’s caused some pretty big rows between me and my OH. He says I’m taking away the opportunity for my DS to bond with his grandmother but I think I’m doing what’s best for our son. Am I being totally unreasonable?

OP posts:

KC225 · 18/08/2018 01:27

Can MIL look after your DS at your house? It could give her a break from her house and the caring abd he would have all his toys and playthings around him.

mumof2sarah · 18/08/2018 01:28

Can I ask why if you feel he'd benefit from nursery so much why you have an afternoon where your mum has him instead of putting him in nursery then too?

I do understand your point of worrying that your son may not get the attention he needs and it may be a lot for your MIL to cope with but I'm sure she's considered all that and feels she could give him that time. If I was you OP I would let MIL try it on a trial basis whilst making sure she's knows if it a lot for her your more than happy to put him into the nursery.

Children do benefit from being at nurseries and interacting with other children but he's already getting those days so let him have his time with grandparents. I hope you and DP can come to an agreement and that you're argument with him is over quickly x

Aquamarine1029 · 18/08/2018 01:31

Your MIL is in no position to properly care for an 18 month old with the enormous burden she is already carrying. Leaving your child in her care would be totally irresponsible of you, and this scenario has potential disaster written all over it. Stand your ground.

Original poster

twiggy1984 · 18/08/2018 01:32

No, as she is the nan’s full time carer she’s either at her house or the other nan’s house down the road! Plus she doesn’t drive and we live about 15 minutes away so wouldn’t work even if she could leave them...

OP posts:

Original poster

twiggy1984 · 18/08/2018 01:37

mumof2sarah - the nursery only had spaces for a morning session on that day so my mum juggled her days off so she could pick him up in the afternoon. Although I admit the nursery now has space for the afternoon session but I’ll keep it as it is as it’s working for everyone. My argument is that it’s my mum’s day off so her focus is purely on him.

OP posts:

mumof2sarah · 18/08/2018 01:41

@twiggy1984 I honestly would let MIL give it a go ON THE CONDITION that if she seems to be struggling or your son seems to not getting the attention you want him to have then he goes to nursery.

I do understand why DP is upset if your mum has him (even though there's space now on that day) but his mums not allowed (that's probably how he's looking at it). Give it a go and see what happens. You never know MIL may surprise you and I'm having your son around will be a shining light and bring joy to all three of them x

Ariela · 18/08/2018 01:44

I would make the point about her being the carer and you feel it is too much for you to burden her with .
As an alternative I'd offer her some time off from caring where she can have DS for a day or an afternoon totally away from her caring duties so he can have her undivided attention. Whether you pay for a carer for the day or afternoon instead of nursery fees or whether you yourself look after the oldies yourself at the weekend, that's surely going to be best for all?

agnurse · 18/08/2018 02:06

Your child isn't an emotional Band-Aid for MIL. He's going to require care too. This is NOT an ideal situation.

Your MIL needs a break from the caregiving situation, not ANOTHER caregiving situation. That's not healthy for her. Not to mention that toddlers can't be left on their own to play. It's going to be very hard for her.

Original poster

twiggy1984 · 18/08/2018 02:21

Problem is with a trial period is, knowing my MIL as I do, she will never admit if it got too much for her. She’s far too stubborn!

As a ‘peace offering’, I’ve asked her if she would have him for the morning every fortnight while I get my shopping/errands/hair done.

My OH keeps saying she’s going to be so upset if we put him in nursery for that extra day rather than ask her to have him. But like previous posters I don’t think I should have to make decisions on what appeases her!

OP posts:

Original poster

twiggy1984 · 18/08/2018 02:29

Oh and I forgot to mention that MIL also has a very lovely, but very bouncy and untrained, Collie dog which they got from a rescue centre.

We have a dog at home but even though they get on well DS is never left unattended with her. As much as MIL would assure me of the same with their dog it would still worry me!

OP posts:

agnurse · 18/08/2018 02:38

So we now have MIL who is providing full-time care for two people, PLUS a toddler, PLUS a large, untrained dog. This is an incredibly dangerous situation for your child.

Original poster

twiggy1984 · 18/08/2018 02:45

Exactly my point!

But OH says that she doesn’t really do much caring as all she has to do is stick them on the commode and do their dinner I said she wouldn’t say that to the DWP who she gets a carers benefit from!

OP posts:

fuzzywuzzy · 18/08/2018 02:54

Ask your DP to go and care for the two people your mil cares for on a trial basis over a month every weekend. Have his mum over to take care of you DS whilst your DP does that.

Then if he finds the caring is merely putting them on the commode and getting dinner ready and the rest is done by caters, re-think the situation.

Your DP is not thinkngi of what’s best for your son at all.

FrayedHem · 18/08/2018 03:04

Your OH knows the caring is hard, he said as much already when he used that as a reason she should have him!

The bouncy untrained dog and caring for 2 relatives in 2 different places doesn't make it a workable option. Trying to find a way she can have some more time with him that doesn't have the pressure of it being your childcare sounds like the best way forward, like you've suggested. Though I'd still be a bit concerned about the dog.

Italiangreyhound · 18/08/2018 03:08

It's not you who is stopping your son from bonding with his grandma, it is the massive burden she is carrying.

It will be dangerous and boring for a small child to be in a tiny house with an elderly person and your MIL fully stretched while going down the road to care for another elderly relative. I really feel sorry for your MIL.

I think I would see if she can get respite care for the people she is caring for at all and then can devote a half day to her grandson in your house.

I totally get why she wants to do it but I also think it is unfair on the child.

Your dp is thinking of his mum, not his son, and to be honest that is not fair of him.

Agree with fuzzywuzzy "Ask your DP to go and care for the two people your mil cares for on a trial basis over a month every weekend. Have his mum over to take care of you DS whilst your DP does that." Or ask your dp to have one day off and care for the two elderly relatives, not use the car and care for his own son. Just one day doing it may convince him it is crackers.

Seniorschoolmum · 18/08/2018 03:08

Op, you are right, someone caring for two very elderly people is in no position to look after a toddler as well.
Supposing one of the oldies had a crisis, which will inevitably happen sooner or later. How is your MIL supposed to look after a toddler while trying to lift someone who has fallen or who needs help breathing or who needs to go to hospital - while making sure the other elderly person is fed/safe/dry.
Sorry but no, your dh is not being realistic.

Nurseriea insist there are two full trained adults present at all times for a reason.

Original poster

twiggy1984 · 18/08/2018 03:12

I think more than anything my OH feels sorry for his mum as her life revolves solely around caring for their parents (although this was their choice to preserve their inheritance but that’s a whole other story...) and knows having DS would brighten her day. But he’s not thinking about what’s best for DS and is only thinking about how he can lessen the earache he gets off his mother...

Thank you all for your replies though, especially at this hour

OP posts:

VimFuego101 · 18/08/2018 03:17

I would not agree to this. As a previous poster said, what would happen if she had a toddler to look after and one of the other people had a fall/ toilet accident? And the dog sounds like a problem waiting to happen. I would agree to this if she minded at your house away from other responsibilities but it doesn't sound like she can commit to that.

QuantamBaby · 18/08/2018 03:32

In this situation nursery is best for your son. Your MIL has her hands full already and looking after a toddler us hard work! Maybe offer her more time with him at the weekends and send your OH over to take care of his elderly grandparents!

pollygreen7 · 18/08/2018 06:43

Could you put the £45 towards someone to cover your Mil every week and have her at your house? Caring for elderly people can be very difficult, she isn't doing it for herself she is doing it to help the rest of the family. If the cost is more than £45 could the rest of the family chip in?

NameChange30 · 18/08/2018 06:53

YANBU
Tell your partner to grow the fuck up and start prioritising his child over his mother

Allthewaves · 18/08/2018 08:17

Could you arrange respite for the day for mil so she could spend the day with ds.

ThanosSavedMe · 18/08/2018 08:22

I like the suggestion that your dp take over the caring of his grandparents for half a day, then his mum can spend some time with your son. Sounds very reasonable to me.

PotteringAlong · 18/08/2018 08:26

Has MiL actually said she’d like to look after him? Or is your OH projecting that she would?

Original poster

twiggy1984 · 18/08/2018 08:28

There’s plenty of money available for respite/extra carers but they don’t want to spend it as it’s their inheritance. So I don’t feel too sorry for them as it was their choice to move in with her and become a full time carer rather than spend the money on full time care.

OP posts:

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