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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To choose nursery over my MIL

62 replies

twiggy1984 · 18/08/2018 01:19

AIBU?

Hi everyone,

I’m after your thoughts regarding childcare after a particularly big row with my OH...

Our DS is nearly 18 months and attends nursery 2 days a week. My mum also has him one afternoon a week on her day off work. He absolutely loves nursery (it’s a home-based nursery) which has made going back to work so much easier.

I’m changing my work hours and need childcare for an extra day so want to put him in nursery for that day but my OH is adamant that his mother looks after him on that day, to both save us money and so she can bond with DS more.

Problem is, my MIL lives with her own mum (in her mum’s tiny house) as her full time carer and is also currently caring for my OH’s dad’s mum who is on end of life care. So in essence she is caring for two elderly people so I don’t think she has the time/attention to be able to care for an 18 month old all day! AIBU?

MIL is desperate to have him and my OH says that it would make her so happy as her life is pretty hard as a carer. But I don’t think my son should be used as a way to make his grandparents feel better! I want what is best for him which I think is nursery considering the circumstances. I don’t think she would be able to fully concentrate on caring for my son, which lets face it is hard work at this age (any age!) while she has two elderly people to care for. Plus how boring it would be for him being stuck in a tiny house all day with carers and nurses coming in and out all day. My OH dismisses this and said she’s great with kids (which she is) and how she looks after his sister’s older kids (but not on a regular weekly basis) and that it’s not fair how my mum gets to have him and not his mum.

We can afford the extra day at nursery although obviously it would be nice to save £45 a week. It’s caused some pretty big rows between me and my OH. He says I’m taking away the opportunity for my DS to bond with his grandmother but I think I’m doing what’s best for our son. Am I being totally unreasonable?

OP posts:

ASimpleLampoon · 18/08/2018 08:29

Your MIL sounds lovely for wanting to care for your son even though she has caring responsibilities already.

You sound lovely for being concerned of the amount of pressure on MIL and wanting to do the best for your son, and keeping everyone happy.

What I don't understand is why your OH can't take responsibility for his own mother having time to bond with your son. what exactly is stopping your OH from making this happen? Why is it falling to you? Why does it have to take the form of childcare? Surely he can arrange some time for them together,, take on that mental load..

Childcare has to be what's best for the child, and I agree with you that nursery sounds like a better option.

If your OH is unhappy with the arrangements you're making, perhaps organising childcare should become his full responsibility and it will be one less thing for you to do?

Alicatz66 · 18/08/2018 08:30

Hmmmm
First I was thinking let MIL have a chance to look after him .. but with 2 oldies and a dog she must be somewhat frazzled and distracted!!
I do think that he will cheer her up .. toddlers get on well with old people and vice versa.. so I think your idea of her looking after him while you get a few chores done is a great compromise xx

BlueBug45 · 18/08/2018 08:33

Your husband is being an idiot.

No your MIL cannot care for your son as well.

If the 2 people she cares for all ready know she is also caring for a young child and aren't selfish, they will neglect to call her when they need her leading to more incidents becoming emergencies.

TightPants · 18/08/2018 08:35

OP, I’m a lone parent and cared for my mum when she was dying. My DS was 3 at the time.
DM also had carers and nursing visits but I struggled massively to manage the needs of DM and DS at the same time.
We only lived with DM for the last few weeks of her life too.
I like the suggestion of paying for a carer one morning a week (or as also suggested above, get your DH to look after his elderly grandmothers!) so MIL can spend some time with your DS.

penguinpurple · 18/08/2018 08:40

I feel sorry for your MIL but she can't take care of a toddler at the same time as 2 elderly people. Mine was a mad ball of energy at that age and I couldn't cope with a whole morning or afternoon in our house - which is childproof with plenty of toys. We were constantly out for walks to the playground, shop, library etc. Would have been a nightmare to be stuck in a small house without all their things!

MadeForThis · 18/08/2018 08:41

Surely the morning is an excellent compromise.
Less stress for everyone. She can easily keep him entertained for a couple of hours by just shuffling between the two houses.

penguinpurple · 18/08/2018 08:42

It would be kind of you and your husband to try and increase contact in other ways, making visiting MIL a priority etc.

TattyTshirt · 18/08/2018 08:48

I came on to say caring for a toddler on top of caring for two elderly relatives would be impossible. However, your ds and his grandmother should spend some time together, on a regular basis.

I was going to suggest your DH take his ds to his mums for a couple of hours every week. Lampoon bet me to it.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 18/08/2018 08:59

I agree some time needs to be found for your MIL to bond with your DS. I don’t agree that should be in the form of regular childcare combined with caring for two elderly parents. Sadly, the situation with the parents will only get worse, particularly if MIL envisages them staying at home till they die.

Organise a nursery place - you can say they are in demand so you need to take it while it’s available - and then work out a plan to give her more bonding time.

As an aside, I struggle to see why your MIL needs to be caring for both of her parents at home - the inheritance (if by that you mean home) wouldn’t be at risk while one of them still needed it. So she may be unnecessarily burdening herself.

Billben · 18/08/2018 09:05

If the 2 people she cares for all ready know she is also caring for a young child and aren't selfish, they will neglect to call her when they need her leading to more incidents becoming emergencies.

This with bells on. I work in social care and the amount of times I hear “Oh, I didn’t want to bother you cos you looked so busy” is staggering. People will unnecessarily put up with stuff because they don’t want to be a bother.

heartsease68 · 18/08/2018 09:12

I would say she can absolutely do it provided she has your son at a suitable venue (your house) and is able to give him her undivided attention like your mum does (by booking respite care to cover the day).

You're right to think it wouldn't work. I have an older child and it only gets worse. It's not safe to try to care for a child of this age and an elderly parent. You can't take your eye off them. I've tried it. Your son will need to be whisked away from something just as your mum can't let go of someone getting on the commode..or he will choose that moment to climb something in the kitchen....nightmare. And there will be medications, zimmer frames, pick up sticks and other stuff that just doesn't mix with toddlers.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 18/08/2018 09:13

Sorry, misunderstood your post, OP. Different parents so not the same house.

noobtheory · 18/08/2018 10:11

You are not being unreasonable at all and I’m sorry he’s causing arguements over this :(

I like the idea of fitting in some time a fortnight. That seems fair. It’s not you who is stopping her bonding with her grandchild, it’s her situation.

GaraMedouar · 18/08/2018 10:16

No, no, no - definitely not MIL - with caring for two elderly people plus bouncy dog! Nursery definitely.

CatLadyToddlerMother · 18/08/2018 10:20

Could you compromise?

Put him in Nursery but allow MIL to pick him up early sometimes and take him out for tea or to the park or whatever occasionally? And suggest this to DH?

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/08/2018 10:26

You need to ask him why he’s willing to risk the well-being of both your toddler and your elderly relatives. He’s being incredibly selfish and pig headed.

I can see why people are suggesting you offer to fund respite care but if they can afford it and are choosing not to then it’s really not your place and family help with childcare is meant to save you money not cost you money.

It’s too risky to even trial it. Offer the morning and if it’s rejected then you know you’ve tried.

He’s a child with his own needs, not a treat to be passed around to give others a distraction.

hospbear · 18/08/2018 10:30

I think your OH needs to have a word with himself. I understand your MIL thinks she can do it but it sounds like a nightmare scenario with the caring and the dog. Your son would be much better off with nursery and I think the morning a week is a good compromise.

trickyboots · 18/08/2018 10:34

Your dh can watch his nan once a week and she can come to your house to watch her grandson? She gets a break as do you?

Dodie66 · 18/08/2018 10:39

Couldn’t you do half day nursery and half dadwith your MIL like you do with your mum? That mighthelp

MarchingOrders · 18/08/2018 10:48

Could you do a gradual thing? Like you say, let her have DS when you're off of work and can come back if she finds it too much? Or let her have him for a few hours or something and gradually build it up if you feel comfortable.
I feel bad for her too, it's sad her caring responsibility means she can't have her GS even if it is her 'fault'. I think it's probably hard for her that your mum can have him and she can't.
I totally understand what you're saying I struggle sometimes to look after my almost two year old and I have no other responsibilities and my house is completely set up to be safe for her!

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 18/08/2018 10:48

I think you should keep your little one in nursery where they are settled,keep the changes in childcare to a minimum..If you are happy with nursery and your child is its so worth the extra money for your peace of mind that everything is ok and as it should be ! Pay the extra day and keep everything settled and on an even keel,

PheasantPluckersSon123 · 18/08/2018 10:51

YANBU, you’re the only one thinking about what is best for the child, which is nursery all the way. If your husband wants his DM to spend more time with his son then he can arrange that in a time that suits everyone where the kid will be properly supervised and entertained. Given she only lives 15 mins away surely it’s not that hard to get them together on a weekly basis?

0lgaDaPolga · 18/08/2018 10:55

I wouldn’t even be considering this. Your dh is prioritising his mums happiness over your son’s safety.

Looking after 2 elderly people must be very time consuming so presumably there would be times when she would be off seeing to them in another room and your son would be left alone and at that age it only takes a few seconds of being unattended to get into trouble sometimes. The bouncy, untrained dog being around would especially worry me in that case.

Even all of that aside, as you point out he would be bored there stuck in a small house all day and sounds like he would be happier at nursery. You’ve offered a good compromise. It’s not your (or your sons) job to make your mil happy because of the burden she is carrying around.

AGirlinLondon · 18/08/2018 10:59

We are in a similar position. We have decided on nursery as we both work full time and it is the most sustainable, reliable and quite frankly easiest option for us. That’s our childcare decision. When it comes to family, we give my mum and MIL time to see the baby without any sort of solid arrangement attached, when they can just relax and enjoy that time. MIL does part time childcare for my SIL and to be quite honest the expectation has made her resentful. My mum has already expressed that it’s harder than she remembers!! So I don’t want any is that bloody baggage thanks!

HateIsNotGood · 18/08/2018 11:12

Just as an aside OP - seeing as you mentioned it - exactly how much "carer's benefit" do you think your MIL gets for caring for 2 elderly people so often that she doesn't have the time to care for her gs 1 day a week.

Your poor MIL. Maybe you and your OH can give her hand with this?

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