To choose nursery over my MIL

[twiggy1984]

AIBU?

Hi everyone,

I’m after your thoughts regarding childcare after a particularly big row with my OH...

Our DS is nearly 18 months and attends nursery 2 days a week. My mum also has him one afternoon a week on her day off work. He absolutely loves nursery (it’s a home-based nursery) which has made going back to work so much easier.

I’m changing my work hours and need childcare for an extra day so want to put him in nursery for that day but my OH is adamant that his mother looks after him on that day, to both save us money and so she can bond with DS more.

Problem is, my MIL lives with her own mum (in her mum’s tiny house) as her full time carer and is also currently caring for my OH’s dad’s mum who is on end of life care. So in essence she is caring for two elderly people so I don’t think she has the time/attention to be able to care for an 18 month old all day! AIBU?

MIL is desperate to have him and my OH says that it would make her so happy as her life is pretty hard as a carer. But I don’t think my son should be used as a way to make his grandparents feel better! I want what is best for him which I think is nursery considering the circumstances. I don’t think she would be able to fully concentrate on caring for my son, which lets face it is hard work at this age (any age!) while she has two elderly people to care for. Plus how boring it would be for him being stuck in a tiny house all day with carers and nurses coming in and out all day. My OH dismisses this and said she’s great with kids (which she is) and how she looks after his sister’s older kids (but not on a regular weekly basis) and that it’s not fair how my mum gets to have him and not his mum.

We can afford the extra day at nursery although obviously it would be nice to save £45 a week. It’s caused some pretty big rows between me and my OH. He says I’m taking away the opportunity for my DS to bond with his grandmother but I think I’m doing what’s best for our son. Am I being totally unreasonable?

Stand your ground - your dp isn’t taking your ds’s needs into consideration here at all from what I can gather. It really does seem like a recipe for disaster, at 18 months your dc is still essentially a baby - and a mobile one at that. Add to the mix a dog and elderly and probably infirm great grandparent and the medication and equipment that go hand in hand and you do not have an environment suitable for a child.

Childcare and bonding are not the same thing.
I don't want this to go off on a tangent, but has your DH ever actually looked after his son on his own for a day, whilst getting on with jobs that need doing? Not popping over to his mum's or yours. If he has I am surprised he thinks it's a workable proposition for his mum week in week out.
Caring for small children is exhausting, the nappies and the toilet training and the meals and snacks, and the crying, and the times they are ill. Yes there is that look they give you that makes it worth while, but it is a lot of work.
Yes she probably does enjoy seeing her grandson for short visits, as respite. It is not the same as childcare.
Your mum is spending time with your DS one afternoon a week which allows her the leisure of spending time with him, without being responsible for all day care from what is probably an early start to a what time finish?
I think your DH may have inherited his parents desire to save care costs, and DIY, but that isn't fair on his mum. Caring for elderly people is exhausting physically and emotionally, even "just getting them on and off the commode and getting their dinner on" even when they live a short distance away.

So whilst the MIL is washing, toileting, dressing the adults.... what exactly will your son be doing?

You can brighten her day at the weekend when you see her as a family.

Her caring for your DC isn't the answer.

Could you spend the £45 you would spend on nursery on a carer to do your MIL's caring jobs one day a week? That way she'd get a break and she'd be able to focus on your son and look after him in your home?

No just no.

There is no way that MIL can adequately supervise your toddler around the dog whilst caring out her caring role (even putting a person on a commode can take a while). Children are twice as likely to be bitten by dogs than adults and injuries are usually to the head and neck. Collies, especially an untrained dog are a risk (they are one of the most common dogs recorded for dog bite injuries in the UK).

www.doglistener.tv/2016/08/breed-most-likely-to-bite/

So in response to some posters - MIL has offered to help and would probably have him 5 days a week if we asked as she is very caring and wants to help everyone. But I don't think she has thought it through - every time we see her we hear about how caring for the nans is a 'full time job' and how 'she doesn't stop all day' yet when I say well how can you care for DS at the same time she gets defensive - FIL is semi-retired so is around to help out now and again so that's her answer.

We did consider putting DS in nursery for just the morning but MIL doesn't drive and the nursery isn't within walking distance of the nan's houses so she wouldn't be able to pick him up. Like I said FIL is around but not regularly enough to be able to commit every week.

Using the excuse of getting him in nursery that day while we can is actually true as they only have one space left that day. If we did a trial with MIL and it didn't work chances are the space would be gone and then we'd be up the creek without a paddle!

The most ironic aspect of this is that when I went back to work my husband used his flexi-time at work to have a day off a week to look after DS. But after a month of doing it he declared it was too much and wanted to go back to work! So he knows how demanding it is but thinks his mum would be ok as 'she's used to looking after kids'

We have decided to put him in nursery that day and ask MIL to have him a morning every fornight and to make a conscious effort to spend more time with them at the weekend. But as others stated it annoys me that it is seen as my responsibility that they bond when it should be up to my husband!

Thanks for all your interesting replies!! You have certainly made me feel better after my OH tried making me feel guilty about the whole thing...

Put him in nursery for the extra day but let MIL look after him occasionally on a Saturday afternoon or something. So your MIL gets to spend some time with him, bond etc. but isn't committed to every week if it doesn't work out. Also it allows her to see how much work it actually is.

Or she could alternate with your Mum and have him half a day once a fortnight. Again if it doesn't work out your Mum goes back to doing it every week.

Suggest to your husband that he could now use some of that flexi time to help with the elderly relatives, since there isn't much to it, and that will free up his mum to spend more time with her grandson.

What happens when your MIL has her back turned an DC finds medication that looks like sweets or knocks over any machinery associated with end of life care.
It would be unreasonable to think she could never take her eyes of your dc and we all know how quickly they can get themselves in trouble. I can't imagine either house will be childproof, it just seems too bigger risk for me and he's being selfish.

Wait....your DH couldnt hack more the month of looking after his DS all day, which totals to 4 days. Yet, he thinks he should dump yet more responsibility into his mother, who is caring for two elderly people already.

Two elderly people + One rampaging toddler = One very worn out woman.

What Butterymuffin said.
Really neat solution all round.