From the man who blamed Mumsnet for the end of his marriage

[thousandpapercranes]

This literally doesn’t get any funnier, he’s listed every purchase that he’s made for me - actually for the family, over the last 8 years like he’s expecting me to reinburse him. Family car £xxxx. Holiday £xxx. Birthday present £xxx.

I wonder if someone can tell me what the going rate for using my uterus for 9 months is? Times that by two. Add to that breastfeeding for 14 months and 12 months respectively. And let’s add compensation for the flat lifeless little pancakes I’ve been left with and the irreversible damage to my nether regions. Day and night time nanny’s for when he wouldn’t wake with them. A housekeeper and cook.

Then we have years of supporting said man child who refused to partake in any aspect of child rearing or family management. But let’s not forget he paid for a cleaner for two hours each week. A cleaner that I sourced when I he’d refused to clean up after himself and sorting out his own ironing. I was thinking I’d send him an invoice of 100k for each year we were together. What do you think?

Please please give me hope that not all men are twats. Otherwise I may as well sew up my fanny for the rest of my days.

I suspect that the wife of multi-millionaire Jacob Rees-Mogg is unlikely to be hand-washing nappies or getting up to her numerous offsping in the middle of the night, every night.

Call me prescient, but I think she may have some domestic help.

Do solicitors really not take their clients to one side and say "look, mate, you're making yourself look like a dick?"

My ex was a dick. He was also pretty dim. He had one of the best solicitors for miles around and was constantly on the phone and emailing him with dickish questions.

At the time I had a client who had a family member who worked for said solicitor. My client got to hear all sorts of tales about the dickish client, how they would take the piss out of him in the office and how the solicitor hated having to deal with him.

As far as I know, he never actually told him what a dick he was though!

When my exh got his first solicitor bill during out divorce, he emailed my solicitor to inform her that he was now "representing myself" thankfully he soon went back to his solicitor once he realised he didn't have a clue. He was a total knob jockey as well but you are definitely doing the right thing. It was the most expensive thing I have ever done but worth every penny.

Aaaah. According the dementor that was my husband, MN is actually just populated by millions of greedy female family law solicitors drumming up business by brainwashing wives that should know their place and be grateful anyone would marry them.
His solicitor has been close to refusing to act for him due to lack of sensible instruction. (Small town, shouldn't really know this but laughed like a drain when I heard) Kitchen spoons and an extension lead have been listed in our marital assets as he wants to fight over them. He earns >100k.

I’m not going to reply or engage with posters who are having a dig at my opinion because I simply don’t care what their feelings on my opinion are.

I will address you OP and what you replied
“STBX didn’t like me posting on here. Various controlling behaviours, which he refuse to acknowledge as being such. He dismissed issues and when I showed him threads he’d say “who are these f people” “what do they know anyway” etc. In the end his position in court was that posters on here had a negative influence and made me focus on the negative aspects of the relationship. *

If my husband repeatedly posted about our marital issues on a public forum (the way you say you did), refused to stop (as you did) and even SHOWED me other poster’s replies ?! ....

I’d lose any trust I had in him, I’d feel violated and hurt and I’d divorce his ass. It would absolutely be among the “unreasonable” behaviours listed.

I’ve no idea what your marriage was like and what sort of a special asshole your ex is. But that doesn’t mean you weren’t out of order.

God what is it with these men?!

Do they think they shit gold or something and that a woman is lucky to have them?

Fucking idiots.

Hope your court case goes how you want OP

Swanny Funnily enough STBX has the same view, how dare I not be grateful to be married to him... “after everything I’ve done for you”

For balance, my barrister was telling me about her client who she feared was about to sack her...she wanted 98% of the 3.4m asset pot and spousal maintenance. Client’s ex was already retired. Divorce does funny things to people.

I agree, it’s the biggest mistake I’ve ever made Midnite. And I’ve certainly paid through the nose to rectify it, it will be well worth it in the end.

Fiesta You’re right you have absolutely no idea.

You’re absolutely welcome to your opinion, I have afterall posted on a public forum.

If my husband repeatedly posted about our marital issues on a public forum (the way you say you did), refused to stop (as you did) and even SHOWED me other poster’s replies ?!

For some people in difficult relationships the act of posting on MN can make a vast amount of difference. For people who've become isolated to alienated from their friends, who've been coerced into letting friendships dwindle, those posts in Relationships can have a huge impact.

I'm married, happily (mostly). If DH posted on the Relationships board about my behaviour I'm confident it wouldn't upset me simply because I try not to be a dick to him. Likewise, he's not a dick to me. If you're behaving abominably and then called out on it on Mumsnet, instead of blaming Mumsnet (and the world of support it potentially offers vulnerable people) perhaps look closer to home at why your DP felt compelled to share your shitty behaviour with the online community, then apologise and get your shit together.

The MN posting thing is is probably relevant but it isn't the blame all.

You only to read relationship boards to note everyone has different reactions to people's posts. I've read posts before and thought some people's call for LTB are OTT and sometimes my heads screamed LTB when others are saying "it could be sorted by doing x y and z"

People will posts their responses to relationships based on their own experience.

The poster will listen (read!) and make their own decisions on the advice based on how the responses match their own experience.

So yes, sometimes people saying "that's a red flag" will cause the poster to leave. But surely that's better than them ignoring the advice and the red flag escalating because the resultant damage is then greater.

I'm really pleased you posted and have taken control of your own life OP. And may I wish you all the luck in the world in getting a fair deal for all you've done as part of your role in the marriage

Is his Mummy his solicitor OP? Diddums, poor STBXH 😢

In Australia the "homemaker contribution" generally cancels out the high earners's "I paid for everything" position after around ten years of the relationship. One of the reasons for doing as little property work as I can get away with is not wanting to listen to (generally) men who are trying to shaft their wife of many years and mother of their children whine about how unfair the system is.

idontbelieve You've hit the nail on the head.

It’s somewhat patronising to assume that posters take the end of a marriage or relationship lightly. I don’t know anybody who has gone through a divorce, who didn’t agonise over it for years before calling time on it. By the point I petitioned, I had already spent two years in councelling, I went to relate, I fought for my marriage till the end.

People will always make judgements based on their own frame of reference. And that’s ok. But it’s also important to acknowledge that we’re not all the same. Not all marriages are the same. We don’t all have mothers, sisters or close friends that we openly talk about these kinds of issues with. MN often fills that gap for lots of people in tough situations.

Hear hear OP. Going through a protracted separation/divorce at the minute.
I don't want a penny most of the time, because it has been too hard won. I've told my solicitor as much. He's hugely irresponsible financially and has very nearly destroyed me.
However I feel about it is almost irrelevant, because he has a responsibility to his children, so I will hold tight and keep my nerve.

I don't doubt he'll fuck up. Hateful shit that he is.

I once got a similar list from a man who broke up with me (note: his choice, though in retrospect I should have got shot of the manchild myself). It was a long term relationship but thankfully not married and no DC.

The list was long, and went as petty as billing me for unused theatre tickets and his portion of the rent for the part of the month he was no longer living there post-break up. However, he helpfully offset some of what I "owed" him because he took the shared pets (against my will, I might add) and so he said he'd knock half of the cage's value off my "bill". I told him to file a claim in court, and sent my own list of what he owed me (naturally this list showed he owed me money, not the other way around).

The best part of all of this? He was a qualified solicitor 😂

Exactly op. I used to work in the wedding industry (ironically) post divorce.

One bride made the mistake of saying (it was in the news for some reason at the time) that it was "too easy to get divorced, people don't work hard enough at marriage" 🙄 this was her first ltr and they weren't yet living together. Through much tongue biting, I put my PoV that I'd been through a divorce and 'easy' was the last thing it had been. That actually I thought getting married was too easy (after all you can potentially marry even now in less than a month and for less than £200).

I was married for 10 years. We'd hit what I'd thought was 'just a rocky patch' the year before we split and went for counselling and I thought we'd worked out our issues. Ex clearly had other ideas as he started an affair. Even when I was first suspicious (and if I'd come on mn with my reasons - what I now know to be infidelity alarm bells - mentionitis followed by sudden silence re AP, welded to his phone, suddenly making more effort with appearance, suddenly 'working' extra hours - mners would have screamed at me he was cheating!) I felt sick and didn't want to admit it to myself. Then I went snooping (well the first time wasn't really snooping he left email account open on PC) and found emails and texts (he got complacent with phone and was too stupid to passcode lock it or delete texts) so I could no longer deny it. It culminated in his manufacturing a shit excuse for a dirty weekend away with her (like joeys dad - he was no James Bond!) which was last straw and I told him what I knew - cue cheaters script which I also didn't know about at the time and he succeeded in getting me to second guess myself (even though I'd seen what we now call sexting messages). Talking to a good friend I came to my senses and ended my marriage. This all took about 8 months, when you include the time from when we both acknowledged we were having difficulties, almost 2 years in total (in hindsight what was really wrong was simply he couldn't handle no longer being the centre of attention following having dd - he was essentially jealous of dd and resenting the lack of sex due to me being knackered, touched out and hormonally askew - as I now know most women are after birth) - it wasn't an overnight thing! I had times when I doubted myself - what if he was telling the truth and it was 'just' a flirtation (I didn't know about emotional affairs then either) - until he dropped the bomb that she was pregnant! He STILL denied and tried to claim he's not slept with her until after we split (would still have been a matter of days even in his narrative). Her giving birth just a few months later meaning she would've been 2 months pregnant when we split he tried to claim a premature birth! Yet baby a full term weight and mother and baby home the day after (told me this himself - like I say he's no genius!).

As anyone here knows even a 'simple' divorce takes a long time to process. Add in his fighting and delaying all the way (she was pressuring for divorce to go through so they could marry, he wasn't wanting to marry again), telling her it was ME delaying (even though I'd instigated it!) which I made clear to her once I realised that's what he'd been saying, wasn't the case.

It was an absolutely horrendous time. Not an experience I'd wish on anyone.

So yea - people who've not been through a divorce making stupid comments about people giving up on marriage too easily really pisses me off!

Not least because I don't know anyone who marries expecting it to end in divorce.

The best part of all of this? He was a qualified solicitor 😂😂

Well there's that saying isn't there? A lawyer who represents themselves has a fool for a client!

Yeah Idobtbelieve, that’s a healthy relationship and that falls right in line with two adults communicating with one another, but apparently that’s an ideal world and if at least one of you is unreasonable, then it doesn’t work in real life. And since many posts are lifted and go viral around the world, it’s realistic to rephrase your very reasonable post to...

“I'm married, happily (mostly). If DH wrote about my behaviour in the Daily Mail I'm confident it wouldn't upset me simply because I try not to be a dick to him. Likewise, he's not a dick to me. If you're behaving abominably and then called out on it in a national newspaper or a public forum, instead of blaming the person responsible for writing about it (and the world of support it potentially offers vulnerable people) perhaps look closer to home at why your DP felt compelled to share your shitty behaviour with thw world then apologise and get your shit together”

See, now you start sounding like you’re victim blaming. And as it was so kindly pointed out to me, your ideal marriage and mutual respect isn’t what the OP is experiencing. So apparently, she gets to be an asshole because he was a bigger asshole but on mumsnet, she has a support team who cheer her on instead of pointing out to her that actually, her move was a bit dickish too.

Here’s the funny part. I’ve no idea who the Op is or her back story. I guessed. Scary just how right I was.

Fiesta I think you’ll find that MN wouldn’t exist if people didn’t post about their personal lives. You’re more than welcome to leave us thousands of arseholes to it, if you like.

Op fiesta is being deliberately obtuse and has decided to ignore any reasonable points you've made, or anyone else. Ignore. People are strange.

I feel that posting on a forum can be a helpful way to communicate if you cannot communicate any longer with your partner. If you are in a no mans land of a relationship falling apart and your head is wrecked then you can at least gain knowledge from the collective experience - it is not a bad thing. It’s incredibly helpful for many women,