AIB a massive spoiled brat?

[Thisnamechanger]

This might be a bit long.

Back story is DM died two years ago, quite young. DF is now in the position of having worked very hard his life and made a packet and now having no one to spend his time with or his money on. So he said he wanted to pay for me and DP, SIL and DB to go on a holiday together. As DM very much ruled our family, DB and DF are famously terrible at making decisions. So I ended up choosing the country, Villa, flights and everything. This caused a bit of friction actually, because DF and DB both like to complain for England and I knew if there was any tiny thing wrong with the holiday I get grief for it, even though at every stage when I asked for feedback I just got "book whatever you think" from them both.

Anyway, holiday went okay and on the last night I reminded DF to give me his bank details so I can give him back the security deposit (I had told him the cost for the whole holiday and he had sent me the cash so I could book everything online). He then made a comment about me being honest to tell him there was a deposit due back to him because he wouldn't have known otherwise (I had mentioned it, he just doesn't listen).

Anyway since then I've asked him many times for his bank details which he either ignores or fobs off.

Anyway, fast forward to now. It's my birthday next week. DM was always the present buyer, DF doesn't actually remember when our birthdays are (I now remind him about DBs and SILs and DB reminds him of mine). DB is quite easy to buy for from DFs perspective as they're both petrols heads, and I buy something for SIL and say it's from both of us because he hasn't a clue what to get. Tbf he's only just managed to start going shopping on his own for things like socks for himself so I can see present buying is a bit beyond him for the time being.

Anyway, it's a bit of a family joke that I can't drive. I'm not actually THAT bad at it but it's become a sort of standing joke. I don't drive because I moved to London before I could take my test and I didn't see the point. Also I hate it which they all know.

So DF randomly messaged me and said that I could keep the deposit money but I have to spend it on driving lessons and that was my birthday present.

I know I sound mega ungrateful but I don't want driving lessons. I hate driving, it terrifies me and I live in London and certainly can't afford a car or insurance. DP and I have just used all our savings to make an offer on a flat so I'm living in my overdraft. I don't want to spend £800 on driving lessons which I'm going to hate, I'd rather just give him the money back.

I said please, please just give me your bank details because if you let me keep the money I just know I won't book any lessons. I'll buy groceries with it. He's ignoring me. Am I being disgustingly ungrateful? I know he probably thought it was a bit of a brainwave so I feel a completely bitch for rejecting the gift but it's my idea of a nightmare.

AIBU? Be brutal, I need to hear it.

Yanbu.
He is trying to force your hand.
Would it be logisically too difficult to give him back the cash?

He doesn’t sound bothered what you spend it on. Just treat it as a money gift

He means we'll, driving is a life skill and not neo g able to drive seriously limits your life opportunities imo (although more manageable in London)

He obviously doesn't want the money back, probably acknowledging the effort you've put in for everyone. Tell him you're going to spend it on something for your new flat if you really can't stomach driving lessons.

Would it be logisically too difficult to give him back the cash?

DP said this, he suggested getting the cash out but I know DF, he'd refuse to take it, and he actually might be a bit offended.

Tell him very clearly that if he gives you the money, you will not be spending it on driving lessons. Subject closed. If he wants the money back, then he needs to speak up now because you won't be bringing this up again. You're a grown woman so don't allow him to pressure you.

Get it out in cash, hand or back. He’ll either take it or tell you to keep it for whatever.

YANBU - it’s perfectly reasonable to not want to drive.

I just would have taken it as a thoughtful and very kind and generous act by your father. Perhaps I am biased because I spent 18 months working Sundays, Bank Holidays and took any waitressing work I could get to pay for my lessons. You could try five lessons and see if your nerves get better then return any monies left if you decide not to continue. Your Father only had good intentions and you are very lucky.

Yanbu. Would he be ok if you said that you weren't able to do lessons for now (with the reasons you've said) and if he wants you can keep the money aside for whenever you do or you can send it back and he can pick something else?

When I was 18 I used to work two shifts a week in the local pub, get paid in cash and hand it straight over to my driving instructor because (despite living in the sticks) my parents refused to help me out with paying for lessons.

Unless there is a good reason why you can't learn to drive, YABU. Learn to drive. It's an important life skill.

Write him a cheque for it. If he doesn't cash it then it's his own fault.

I learnt to drive at 39. I had lessons before with an instructor who was shit and knocked my confidence. DH died, the car was sat there and I found some one who got me to pass first time with 15 hours of tuition. I live in a big city (not London ) but with good transport. Driving has made life loads easier. Where in London do you live? Is it really easier not to drive? I now drive all over the UK (no family within 3 hours) and can do things in 15 mins that used to take an hour or more. Honestly, learning to drive is very expensive and part of the reason I put it off is because I did not have parents to fund it as lots of people seem to have. The older you get the more anxious you become but honestly it is liberating.

Whereas I agree that driving is such an important life skill, and you know he is only trying to help, I also understand when things are tight for you, you need to be able to prioritise what you need to spend money on, at that point.
I think you should do what Aquamarine suggests.
Thank him gratefully, but tell him you have spent all your savings on the deposit and that learning to drive just isn't a priority at the moment, as you won't be able to afford to insure a car when you do pass. Let him know that you appreciate the gesture but you won't be booking driving lessons at the moment, and does he therefore want the cash back (doesn't sound like he does), or is it OK if you spend it on other priorities now.

Think about it though, as, even if you can't afford a car right now, once you pass, you have your license for life. It really, really, really is worth doing.

I just would have taken it as a thoughtful and very kind and generous act by your father

Well.... yes it's extremely generous but it wasn't really thoughtful...it was lazy tbh. He and DB think it's hilarious and stupid that I hate driving and I think this was his way of getting out of thinking up a present. DM literally has bought every gift for me a DB since we were born, it's never been on Dad's radar so he's totally lost. The stupid thing is, I'd be way happier with just a card he'd actually chosen with me in mind than any present at all! Im a grown woman I don't need a present! I think since Mum does he thinks that things like birthdays and Christmas aren't special any more and he doesn't want to celebrate anything. I can't imagine him wanting to go and pick a card on his own. I imagine he thinks DMs ghost is there telling him it's the wrong one

YANBU!

I don’t drive. Have had a few lessons but really don’t enjoy it. It’s not for everyone.
When I was 17 (Living in central London and literally half way between Notting Hill And Holland Park tube stations) my DM said she would pay for driving lessons for me. I declined the ‘present’ so had no present that year.

Unless someone has specifically said they want to take lessons in a particular area why should the present giver decide what lessons they should take, if any?

I would return the money in cash and say that you have no intention of having driving lessons. That you’re very grateful for the offer and that you’re sorry if you gave the impression you wanted lessons but you really don’t. You could suggest the money would be better spent having a day out or a birthday dinner as you’d much rather use the money doing something nice with him on your birthday.

Writing that last bit has made me cry a bit.

YANBU. No need for driving in London (about the only place in the UK). I lived around London for five years, never drove. Back in my hometown and done more driving in the last twelve months than the previous five years. It’s a very kind thought from your DF, perhaps he (like my DF) thinks no one can possibly live without driving and thought the reason you didn’t learn was due to finances? Your reasoning for not driving is fair enough, I hated it at first though wouldn’t have been able to get to work without it. If he won’t accept the money back, you could either put it aside in case when he sees you’re not going to spend it on lesson he asks for it back, put it in an envelope and leave it at his house and say “Thanks so much for the offer, I’m not interested in learning to drive so please have the money back”., or keep it and buy something for your new home.

Put it safely away in the bank, just in case you change your mind. It can be a "cushion", always comforting to know it's there in case of emergencies - burst boiler, roof repair, car problems

Reading the last bit made me tear up a bit too. Just put the money aside and when you make clear you wont use for driving lessons maybe he’ll take it back or let you use as you see fit.

Unlikely to have 'car problems' @Singlenotsingle

Hehe that's a fair point. Lack of car problems more like!

But he’s tried though hasn’t he, he’s tried to do something. And if he’s a petrol head, he probably thinks he’s doing a lovely thing for you. I’d accept it graciously, you’ve told him you won’t spend it on lessons and he still doesn’t want it back so spend it on what you do want.

I get it a bit. Since my DM died, my DF gives everyone a set amount of cash (much much less than we are talking about here) and you are expected to buy your own present.

How about this - say to him “dad what would really help me would be to use he money on the flat [survey/moving/furniture we will need], are you ok with this?” He will probably say yes and you have a clear conscience.

I’m so sorry about your mum. Your dad sounds a bit like mine tbh. His heart is in the right place but he is happy for someone else to arrange everything - and he’ll pick up the tab.

The driving thing might come from a good place. My dad feels very strongly about independence and forced all his daughters to learn to drive. Lesson were an automatic birthday present at 17.

He sounds like he is having a tough time too. Just explain driving isn’t for you but maybe he would b pe happy femur u to spend the money on another treat - a mini break for example. Then he knows you are happy and he feels like he has treated you to something special?

Sorry you lost your mum. I’d send him a message saying thanks very much for letting me keep the money, I won’t be spending it on lessons in the near future but we could really use it for ..... X ..... and if and when the time comes when I want driving lessons I’ll consider that you’ve made your contribution. Thanks again xxx

Thanks everyone, you've really helped. I think I'll speak to him face-to-face at my birthday dinner about it, but while we're washing up or something so it's not a big deal. He's not a phone chatter so all this is always done over WhatsApp which doesn't help! I do love him, probably more than anyone else in the world.