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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIB a massive spoiled brat?

71 replies

Thisnamechanger · 16/08/2018 21:10

This might be a bit long.

Back story is DM died two years ago, quite young. DF is now in the position of having worked very hard his life and made a packet and now having no one to spend his time with or his money on. So he said he wanted to pay for me and DP, SIL and DB to go on a holiday together. As DM very much ruled our family, DB and DF are famously terrible at making decisions. So I ended up choosing the country, Villa, flights and everything. This caused a bit of friction actually, because DF and DB both like to complain for England and I knew if there was any tiny thing wrong with the holiday I get grief for it, even though at every stage when I asked for feedback I just got "book whatever you think" from them both.

Anyway, holiday went okay and on the last night I reminded DF to give me his bank details so I can give him back the security deposit (I had told him the cost for the whole holiday and he had sent me the cash so I could book everything online). He then made a comment about me being honest to tell him there was a deposit due back to him because he wouldn't have known otherwise (I had mentioned it, he just doesn't listen).

Anyway since then I've asked him many times for his bank details which he either ignores or fobs off.

Anyway, fast forward to now. It's my birthday next week. DM was always the present buyer, DF doesn't actually remember when our birthdays are (I now remind him about DBs and SILs and DB reminds him of mine). DB is quite easy to buy for from DFs perspective as they're both petrols heads, and I buy something for SIL and say it's from both of us because he hasn't a clue what to get. Tbf he's only just managed to start going shopping on his own for things like socks for himself so I can see present buying is a bit beyond him for the time being.

Anyway, it's a bit of a family joke that I can't drive. I'm not actually THAT bad at it but it's become a sort of standing joke. I don't drive because I moved to London before I could take my test and I didn't see the point. Also I hate it which they all know.

So DF randomly messaged me and said that I could keep the deposit money but I have to spend it on driving lessons and that was my birthday present.

I know I sound mega ungrateful but I don't want driving lessons. I hate driving, it terrifies me and I live in London and certainly can't afford a car or insurance. DP and I have just used all our savings to make an offer on a flat so I'm living in my overdraft. I don't want to spend £800 on driving lessons which I'm going to hate, I'd rather just give him the money back.

I said please, please just give me your bank details because if you let me keep the money I just know I won't book any lessons. I'll buy groceries with it. He's ignoring me. Am I being disgustingly ungrateful? I know he probably thought it was a bit of a brainwave so I feel a completely bitch for rejecting the gift but it's my idea of a nightmare.

AIBU? Be brutal, I need to hear it.

OP posts:
AlpacaLypse · 16/08/2018 21:54

Stash it in the bank for future reference. Yes you live in London where having a car is more of a liability than a help, but life may change, and having a driving licence once you're outside any metropolitan area is fairly close to vital. Public transport out here in Ruralshire is basically enough to get catchment children to their school and back, and that's about it.

tempester28 · 16/08/2018 21:56

He doesn't want the money back - only you can know if he really expects you to take the lessons? Or would be happy for you to spend it on something else or the peace of mind of paying off your overdraft.

Dollymixture22 · 16/08/2018 21:58

Now i’m Crying. Your dad is lucky to have you. The present thing will be easily resolved.

Original poster
Thisnamechanger · 16/08/2018 21:59

tempester I think he just wants to feel like he's given me something and put a semi-thoughtful spin on it so he doesn't feel like he's just handing me a fist ful of cash. Gyargh. It breaks my heart. Sad

OP posts:
Lonesurvivor · 16/08/2018 22:02

I hated driving when I first started to learn. I'd put it off for ages despite strong encouragement from friends and family and only learned when I had to.
It took a while and I was anxious for some time but I love driving now and with hindsight I can now understand why my nearest and dearest were so adamant I learn. Driving is a life skill, it gives independence and choices. You won't always be a young person living in your over draft, you'll evolve and grow.
The younger you learn to drive the easier it will be. If in time you have children it will be much harder to be a newbie driver knowing they are dependant on you driving safely.
Your father is doing you a massive service here and you're underestimating that because you aren't willing to see how important learning to drive actually is. It may not be necessary now but most likely it will be in future.
Find a driving instructor who is good with nervous clients and give it a shot even just commit to a few lessons at first. What have you to lose? The money was never yours and you won't be comfortable spending it on something else. You've literally nothing to lose by trying.

FlorencesHunger · 16/08/2018 22:06

Do you do mobile banking op? If he has a mobile number it's possible depending who he banks with that you can send via mobile banking using his mobile number if its linked to his bank information. The only issue with that is they recieve a txt to accept it going in.

It is a bit of a dilemma, I'd probably just keep a hold of it and stealthily give some back at a time if given it all back at once will cause any issues.

XingMing · 16/08/2018 22:09

I don't think he wants the money back, but he may think you ought to have a full licence, and i'd agree with him. It may not be useful in London or another big city. but if you ever moved out, you will need it. If you decide on a move to anywhere rural, for example...

Ilovelblue · 16/08/2018 22:09

To be frank, I don't know of anyone who is able to drive who regrets learning in the first place. It gives you a whole new level of independence.

I wasn't a natural driver and didn't take to it like a duck to water (I passed on the second attempt). My parents did have a car and it's not as if they could take me out for practice sessions once I was fit to be out without the instructor I would find it very difficult now to be without my car.

tempester28 · 16/08/2018 22:11

As you say he is probably is a bit lost with how to deal with your birthday I would take it as a sign of his appreciation for your support and forgive him (this year anyway!) for being a bit clumsy about it.

Johnnyfinland · 16/08/2018 22:16

YANBU. Driving isnt for everyone, I tried to learn for 5 years and failed 5 tests and never got any better at it. I just don’t understand it, I still look at some complex junctions now and think to myself I’d have no idea how to drive through it. My reactions are too slow if other drivers are doing weird things and I genuinely can’t do the mental side of it, I’d be a danger on the road. Why would non drivers choose to move somewhere rural anyway? And I’ve never found my life limited by not driving!

It sounds like he is trying to do you a favour but as someone who clearly loves driving hes probably underestimated just how much you don’t want or need to do it. I don’t think you’re being ungrateful, you sound very considerate of him

BMW6 · 16/08/2018 22:23

Unless there is a good reason why you can't learn to drive, YABU. Learn to drive. It's an important life skill.

"I don't want to drive" is a perfectly good reason not to drive. YOU may think it is an important life skill, but not everyone agrees with you.

I have reached the grand old age of 60 without the ability to drive. And No, I don't rely on lifts from drivers, I am far happier using public transport.

Original poster
Thisnamechanger · 16/08/2018 22:26

I feel like this thread is drifting a bit...I know it's a life skill but I'll learn in my own good time. DP has a house somewhere extremely rural and we go there every other weekend. We're going to get me a few lessons down there when we're in a better position financially and get insured on his car. It's much quieter on the roads and I'll have time to think and hopefully not panic. Driving in London is mental. DP is a really good driver and even he spends his whole time furious and anxious.

OP posts:
needyourlovingtouch · 16/08/2018 22:40

He doesn't want the money back. It's a gift. Stop embarrassing him and you!

totallywired · 16/08/2018 22:41

Could you say to your dad that you are planning to learn at your DP's house in the future and you'll hold on to the money until then.

I hated learning to drive, I used to live in the city centre and didn't really need a car so I gave up, but I really needed to drive once I had kids and lived in the suburbs so I learnt in an automatic which made it easier, quicker and less stressful to learn.

ShirleyPhallus · 16/08/2018 22:44

You sound absolutely lovely OP. So sorry about your losing your mum Flowers

Agree to ask him that you’ll put it towards furniture / the new flat and is that ok?

LighthouseSouth · 16/08/2018 22:54

um....I find this pretty unpleasant tbh.

it's a way of hassling you to do something you don't want or need to do.

Original poster
Thisnamechanger · 16/08/2018 22:55

I think I'll just say "thank you very much for the money. It will help out a lot in the coming months and mean I can start learning to drive at DPs sooner".

OP posts:
Original poster
Thisnamechanger · 16/08/2018 22:55

And I think I'll stop offering to give it back now as I've asked quite a few times.

OP posts:
kenandbarbie · 16/08/2018 23:00

Vouchers for driving lessons would be a standard sort of present whether receiver wanted to learn or not. I don't think it's dissimilar.

BackforGood · 16/08/2018 23:14

Firstly, sorry you have lost your Mum, but

Well.... yes it's extremely generous but it wasn't really thoughtful...it was lazy tbh. He and DB think it's hilarious and stupid that I hate driving and I think this was his way of getting out of thinking up a present.

This ^ really doesn't make you come across well at all. You've said yourself, he is a bit lost. He has lived his life with his wife taking care of ALL the organising, and he is struggling. In your opening post you indicated that you understood that, and that you were supporting him in both his grief, and the practical struggles he is facing. In this post, you aren't showing that same love.

But he’s tried though hasn’t he, he’s tried to do something. And if he’s a petrol head, he probably thinks he’s doing a lovely thing for you.

this ^

As you say he is probably is a bit lost with how to deal with your birthday I would take it as a sign of his appreciation for your support and forgive him (this year anyway!) for being a bit clumsy about it

and this ^

I don't think you are being a spoiled brat at all. You can't be forced to learn to drive if you don't want to, but your Dad is trying to do something nice to show his appreciation, and you should take it as that.

Original poster
Thisnamechanger · 16/08/2018 23:43

He's also tried to stop having his own birthday (again claiming he doesn't know when it is). Unfortunately I thwarted him with a present so bang on even he had to laugh, and it only cost £11 Grin

OP posts:
garethsouthgatesmrs · 16/08/2018 23:49

Try not to be too hurt that he hasn't been thougtful - in the kindest possible way if your DM has been doing it for him for 20 or 30 years it will be a hard thing for him to learn noe, he's never had to think of it before. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you as I am sure you know.

BringOnTheScience · 16/08/2018 23:51

Another possibility...
Would you spend some of the money in some other lessons or course? Cookery, pottery, a language, flamenco dancing, plumbing, whatever is on offer in your lical evening classes. Something that you do want to do.

Summersup · 16/08/2018 23:52

One suggestion- if the thought of a gear stick is overwhelming, what about learning to drive in automatic. Much much easier and more able to concentrate on the road than changing gears. One of my close friends failed her normal test twice then moved to an automatic and did really well. Might be something to bear in mind if you do decide to go for it.

Starstruck2020 · 17/08/2018 00:25

Being able to drive is a massive advantage and life skill. You probably don’t need it too much living in London but you don’t know what the future holds for you. Your dad can maybe see what an advantage it is and worries about you not being able to drive. He might worry more than you realise. He might also want you to overcome it so you can then believe in yourself to overcome any obstacle. It might not be as thoughtless as you think, But you are very clouded with grief for your lovely mum. I think you should give the lessons a go... you might surprise yourself and it is a wonderful opportunity, as like you’ve said you’d never pay for it yourself.

I would want all my DC to be able to drive.

I’m sorry you have lost your mum Flowers