AIB a massive spoiled brat?

[Thisnamechanger]

This might be a bit long.

Back story is DM died two years ago, quite young. DF is now in the position of having worked very hard his life and made a packet and now having no one to spend his time with or his money on. So he said he wanted to pay for me and DP, SIL and DB to go on a holiday together. As DM very much ruled our family, DB and DF are famously terrible at making decisions. So I ended up choosing the country, Villa, flights and everything. This caused a bit of friction actually, because DF and DB both like to complain for England and I knew if there was any tiny thing wrong with the holiday I get grief for it, even though at every stage when I asked for feedback I just got "book whatever you think" from them both.

Anyway, holiday went okay and on the last night I reminded DF to give me his bank details so I can give him back the security deposit (I had told him the cost for the whole holiday and he had sent me the cash so I could book everything online). He then made a comment about me being honest to tell him there was a deposit due back to him because he wouldn't have known otherwise (I had mentioned it, he just doesn't listen).

Anyway since then I've asked him many times for his bank details which he either ignores or fobs off.

Anyway, fast forward to now. It's my birthday next week. DM was always the present buyer, DF doesn't actually remember when our birthdays are (I now remind him about DBs and SILs and DB reminds him of mine). DB is quite easy to buy for from DFs perspective as they're both petrols heads, and I buy something for SIL and say it's from both of us because he hasn't a clue what to get. Tbf he's only just managed to start going shopping on his own for things like socks for himself so I can see present buying is a bit beyond him for the time being.

Anyway, it's a bit of a family joke that I can't drive. I'm not actually THAT bad at it but it's become a sort of standing joke. I don't drive because I moved to London before I could take my test and I didn't see the point. Also I hate it which they all know.

So DF randomly messaged me and said that I could keep the deposit money but I have to spend it on driving lessons and that was my birthday present.

I know I sound mega ungrateful but I don't want driving lessons. I hate driving, it terrifies me and I live in London and certainly can't afford a car or insurance. DP and I have just used all our savings to make an offer on a flat so I'm living in my overdraft. I don't want to spend £800 on driving lessons which I'm going to hate, I'd rather just give him the money back.

I said please, please just give me your bank details because if you let me keep the money I just know I won't book any lessons. I'll buy groceries with it. He's ignoring me. Am I being disgustingly ungrateful? I know he probably thought it was a bit of a brainwave so I feel a completely bitch for rejecting the gift but it's my idea of a nightmare.

AIBU? Be brutal, I need to hear it.

OP. I’m so sorry about your Mum.

I was you - London non-driver happy not to thanks v. much, irrationally irritated and narky when anyone mentioned it! Fast forward many years and as a PP says Ruralshire meant a stressful forced learning experience.

So stick the money in the bank, ring-fence it for insurance and a good instructor at your leisure, and thank your dad and tell him the plan.

Hope you have a lovely birthday!

It's a confidence thing op. I didn't like driving at first but once my confidence built up over numerous lessons I started to enjoy it and now I love it.
You don't have to buy a car right now you could just do the lessons to get your licence and then you would have the option in the future to be able to hire a car for holidays or save up and buy a car in the future when money is less tight.
I passed my test finally when I was 34, same reasoning as you. Moved to London didn't need to drive but when I moved out of London I needed to drive and thankfully I managed to pass my test but the move would have been a lot easier if I could have driven myself.
It is an important life skill which is why my dc will be receiving driving lessons on their birthdays and will be independent and able to get themselves around without relying on others.

I agree with a PP about learning in an automatic if a manual gearbox stresses you out. A friend of mine did this after years of refusing to learn to drive and she has so much more freedom now.

Pop the money in a good interest building account and let it build to fund your lessons.
Seriously - you have to learn to
Drive!!!! You can’t run away from this from lack of confidence - I get that.
I spent £2000 on my lessons as it took forever so you can wait a bit and build up to it.

Sorry you lost your Mum . You’re doing a really nice thing trying to step into some of her roles. I do wonder though if its ok for things to evolve differently or if you might start to resent db and df. You sound like you have generally good relationships, so sil not getting an extra name on her present won’t hopefully be the end of the world.

I’m finding I have to be more blunt with my df and he is getting more belligerent but it blows over. I would be saying ‘I’m happy to keep the money but you know I don’t want to learn to drive, so tell me now if you want it back or forever hold your peace - but thankyou for the generous offer’. .

Like you OP, I made many excuses for not wanting to learn to drive. I lived in London, we didn’t have a car and didn’t need to. And I was scared. All excuses.

Of course driving is scary - it’s new and dangerous if you make a serious mistake.

In the end, I found myself increasingly annoyed with myself for not being able to drive once I had my first dc. It made life harder in terms of keeping in touch with other mums as they weren’t all in walking distance. I couldn’t easily visit mygreat uncle, who was very dear to me.

So, in the end, I asked dh to buy me driving lessons so I couldn’t get out of them.

Turns out I could drive pretty well- I still find it a bit scary because I don’t do it enough - but we no longer live in London and public transport is shit. So having a car is a life saver.

So OP, I’m sure logically you know driving makes sense. But the fear is making you annoyed at your father.

Why not just have a taster lesson? Then you can at least make an informed decision.

i dont blame you for not wanting to do as your DF asks.
But, but, I learnt to drive when living in London.
You dont have to drive but you could learn op.

Just wanted to say I understand the feelings around your DF. When my DM died my DF was devastated and stopped all celebrations with no cards/ presents. A few years later he met a lady (another story!) and then complained (light heartedly) that he didn't get a fathers day card..... We now celebrate as normal and despite re marrying he always writes my birthday & Christmas cards. This means a lot to me. Other than odd small practical presents he hasn't mastered present buying but still pops a small cheque in the card

O give him the bloody cash, this is not an issue.

I know how you feel OP.

I’m so sorry you lost your mum. I lost mine 11 years ago and one of the absolute hardest things to cope with was that my dad (understandably) was a completely different person without her. At first my sister and I tried to do all the things DM used to do but it quickly became obvious that this wasn’t sustainable and my DF resisted every bit of help so we had to kind of let him find his own way.

But it hurts, and I totally get it.

For my last birthday I got nothing. No card, no phone call, and i was a bit hurt. But I love my dad and I just let it go, because In the end it’s not terribly important. He went to work 6 days a week on 12 hour shifts when I was little to keep a roof over our heads and food in our bellies. He taught me to ride a bike. Learned my favourite bedtime story off by heart because I liked it better “out of his head”. Built me a beautiful solid wood bed when I was leaving home. Helped me move home 3 times. Walked me down the aisle at my wedding. And for 30+ years he had never thought of what to buy for birthday presents, or being used to managing a calendar at all.

When I do get a hand written card from him (I got a lovely one for our wedding), it makes me bawl because I know how much effort he has put in.

I think my best advice is to try to let go a little bit and try and let him figure out how he is going to be without his wife. It’s so so tough and a big learning curve but sadly things will never be the same again. A new dynamic and a new system for things will emerge. Maybe your dad will step up to the birthday card and present thing in time.

I think you’ve made a good decision about the money.

Good luck OP. It’s ok to be finding this all really hard.

Invest the money in premium bonds. If he says anything about driving lessons just ask him for his account details so you can give it back. Odds are this will blow over and you'll end up with a bit of a safety net tucked away.

You’re doing a really nice thing trying to step into some of her roles. I do wonder though if its ok for things to evolve differently or if you might start to resent db and df.

You are very, very perceptive! I don't like having to make all the decisions and planning. I'm hoping the "power vacuum" will cause DF to stand on his own feet a bit and work out what he wants to do.

Sadly, at present he just does what he thinks she'd have told him to. He constantly self-critisises now she's not there to do it. He even says out loud "Your mum would have told me off for that" etc. I think the constant self flagellation is a way of dealing with the guilt he feels and, crutially, the only way he can still feel connected to her.

It makes me feel extremely sad. I want to say "DF, one of the ONLY good things about DM not being around any more is you're not constantly being told off any more! Stop doing it to yourself!"

I would obviously never ever say that out loud though.

It's all very complex; I loved DM dearly but unlike DF I don't remember in quite such a rosey light. I'm ashamed to say that when she did die 99% of me was devastated and 1% of me was relieved that I didn't live in fear of her judgement any more. That sounds dreadful but it's true.

magpie you are very very wise and articulate. Excellent advice. Thank you!

I don't think you're being spoilt and I do understand that in London you hardly ever need to drive. But you do have a good reason to drive, i.e. the house in the country.

I worked and lived in London and I simply couldn't afford to learn to drive until my mid-thirties (parents didn't drive so it wasn't an automatic right of passage in our family). Once I could afford it, I actually learned to drive in central London in my lunch hours.

Honestly, you've got the opportunity to "get it out of the way" so if I were you I would just do it.

As for your Dad, don't be harsh on him. It is a thoughtful gift, just because it's not a surprise and he didn't go out and browse shops for it, it doesn't make it any less valuable.

Thank you @thisnamechanger. I don’t feel very wise, just wanted to share my experience from someone a little further down the line. I hope it all works out ok for you

I don't think you're being a brat at all and it's not about driving. I think you spend so long running around making sure everybody else is happy and ok and this gift makes it clear that your father and brother don't do the same for you. It doesn't sound as though that's to do with the loss of your mother either because if she was the one who always bought the gifts then your father has never done it. Which is bound to hurt and now that your mum isn't here to think of you on your birthday then it must feel like they don't really care enough to think of something that you would really like even if it was a small token.

You should learn to drive.

BunnyCarr Dad?

Whether or not OP should eventually learn to drive is hardly the issue. Learning is bloody expensive and now is clearly not the time for her to start. I think there's been some lovely perceptive advice given here. Good luck OP you sound lovely!

Absolutely no point learning to drive while you live in London.

Stick it in the bank and use it to learn if/when you move out of London

Grew up in Cornwall, and couldn't wait to get to a big city where I didn't need a car, but in London's suburbs, you need to know how. And back in Cornwall, I would be stranded if I couldn't. And having learned to drive in London, you can drive anywhere. Took me three attempts before then BF (now DH) made me drive from Kent to London in rush hour, and went to sleep in the passenger seat. I had to step up to get home and the confidence boost was immense. I passed the test a fortnight later.