To ask for you urgent help / advice / tips - feeling very scared

[apartment23]

Name changed for this as feeling very, well, scared and sick.

DP (less of the dear as it turns out actually) has decided he doesn't want to be with me anymore. Heartbreaking doesn't begin to cut it but there we go.

What I'm feeling really scared and sick about (and the reason for the desperate post) is I am currently on maternity leave as we have a 6mo DD and I have absolutely no idea how I am going to support her.

I'm on statutory maternity pay. We rent our house off my parents. Our rent is about what I am receiving in income at the moment so obviously leaves me stuck with bills and food etc. we also have 2 cats.

DP doesn't know what he will be able to contribute when he goes so I can't rely on that.

I intended to take the full year off but appreciate that might have to change. DD is EBF and won't take a bottle so I guess I'm going to have to really work on getting her to take milk out of something and look into going back to work.

My desperate please help me question is - am I entitled to any help at all? Although my parents would literally give me the clothes off their back if they could they won't be able to afford the mortgage on this house without a rental income (we pay exactly what their mortgage costs) so if I can't make rent I'll have to leave.

I'm thinking I'm going to have to rehome my beloved cats - should I contact the rescue shelter we got them from? Would they even take them back?

If I can get any help at all with housing costs will I have to leave my home and move somewhere else? If I can't get any help - what will happen to us?

Sorry this is such a jumbled horrid post but I'm just feeling so sick and scared and am spouting whatever comes into my head. I don't even know where to begin feels like
My whole world is ending.

So many of us totally understand that ‘my life is ending - how the hell can I do this....this isn’t what I want...’ feeling, you are far from alone. It’s scary, confusing, worrying...but you WILL be ok. I know it’s so, so, hard to believe, but you will be.

It’s clear what you mean about renting a separate house from your parents, people just need to read the thread. (They rent a house, from her parents, it’s a separate house to where her parents live).

Really sorry I think I confused things with my subsequent post about the housing situation! When I said we rent a separate house to my parents I meant that we don't live them (so they own their house that they live and they also own my house that me and soon to be ex rent from them). I was responding to a pp who mentioned you can't claim housing benefit if you live with the relative you rent from.

To answer some other questions:

I think we pay below market value to be honest as it's £600 for a 2 bed house, but I don't think it's drastically cheaper. The house has been rented previously but not by my parents as we moved in as soon as they bought it so I'm not 100% sure what market value would be.

I will look into the tenancy situation with my parents and see what the position is and whether a fresh tenancy just in my name would be best.

When he says he doesn't know what he will contribute I don't think he means he believes he can get away with nothing, just that until he finds somewhere else he won't know what spare income he has. If I don't get something in place v v quick from him I will take pp advice about claiming for maintenance formally.

Quick question - does anyone know how tax credits / UC works if you're on mat leave (so my earnings keep changing) and then return to work? I was working full time but wanted to go back part time so I could have DD some of the time. Does anyone know how on earth you work out whether you can even afford to go back part time or how UC / tax credits change depending on new salary? My job is a 3 hour round commute so if I went back full time I'd barely see my baby in the week. I know that's not the most important thing right now but it worries me.

Thank you all for the advice and the words of support. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it and how less alone I feel.

I feel slightly less sick now and am off to DMs to speak to her. Feeling worried about telling her though - I actually feel shame that this has happened

For Universal credit , you are awarded different element according to your situation and the amount you receive can vary on a monthly basis if your income varies.

So in your situation you would get a person element for yourself, a child element and possibly a rent/ housing element depending if they decide you can claim that ( it may be difficult if no previous tenancy in place as they may see it as a contrived tenancy) So all those elements are added together then a work allowance taken away then for every pound you earn after that, your total Uc amount decreases by 0.63. If you claimed childcare costs then you can claim up to 85% of costs back also. I think your sticking point will be whether rent element would be awarded but if it isn't then your work allowance ( the amount they discount before wages are counted ) is higher. Any smp is deducted as per wages I believe. Don't rely on the calculators they are often not accurate. Go to CAB or similar for a decent calculation.

I believe when it comes to maintenance they base it on his salary, doesn't matter what his outgoings are, he will need to find accommodation that he can afford once he has paid for his child. There's a government calculator for it, have a look now so you know the absolute minimum he needs to pay you.

He has a legal obligation to pay child maintenance. Go on the cms website. Find the amount he'll need to pay. Let him know.

He will have to make alternative arrangements for himself based on this figure.

Not the other way round.

He may end up staying with family or friends or in a house share. It's expensive to live.

He has chosen to walk away from your relationship but still has to do his bit to support your child.

Please don't feel shame. He sounds like a shit.

Could you move in with your parents and they can rent the property out? At least until you are on an even keel financially?

until he finds somewhere else he won't know what spare income he has

It's not a matter of his "spare income" what a tosser, you are well rid, tbh child maintenance is based on his salary/wages. He will then have to cut his coat to match his cloth, so to speak. If that leaves him only enough for a room in a share house, well so be it. He must provide legally for his DD.

Think about it this way: you can't just say to your DD, well I'll see what I can afford after I've looked after myself. You put her first - you have to. So must he.

Be very clear about this, OP.

Nail on head SilverBuckles

Tired of hearing a certain relative (distant, by marriage) complain about how “there’s hardly anything left for me” once he’s paid for all his children by several different mothers, all of whom he’s left high and dry when he moves on to the next woman he fancies.

Agree it's the opposite way about, once he works out what he legally owes in child maintenance, then he will know what spare income he has and can then find a place.

His attitude to paying child maintenance from his 'spare' cash tells you a lot about what his priorities are. You are well rid of him by the sound of things.

When he says he doesn't know what he will contribute I don't think he means he believes he can get away with nothing, just that until he finds somewhere else he won't know what spare income he has. If I don't get something in place v v quick from him I will take pp advice about claiming for maintenance formally

Op, you get this is wrong, ? Don't let this man fuck your or your child over. Look up child support payments, tell him how much he's to pay and tell him you'll be formally claiming. Do it for your sake and your child's.

Whatever he has left it's up to him to get himself sorted. The law is clear on this. Very.

Aw OP that's awful bless you, don't panic, I've been there and now have a pretty perfect life, it can be fixed.
Your parents can rent to you assuming they will accept Housing Benefit (it sounds like they will) and you can be a SAHM until DD is off the BF if you are willing to be skint. You can then get working tax credits and help with childcare providing you are really skint and he's paying nothing - with line of work are you in? Skilled/unskilled?
My DD's father walked out when I was 6months pregnant (planned baby, together 4 years and tried 6months to conceive) - I didn't put him on the birth certificate as he was not remotely interested. It was awful.

DD is 6 in December. I am married to the man of my dreams, currently ttc DC2 and working in my dream job. He has a good job too and I love our little life in a lovely village, I would never have believed it was possible if someone told me it would turn out like this when I was crying that first Christmas (DD born 18th Dec by c-section... 24th I was at my mum's believing my life was ruined).

Please trust me, trust yourself - it's a bad patch and he's a loser to do this to you both but it needn't define you.

for you OP and a hand hold. You got this and the teary panicky days are well deserved, none of us is a super woman 24/7.

@ChristinaMarlowe what an uplifting post to read! Thank you for sharing your story. I'm so pleased everything has worked out for you. You sound very happy.

So I've had a looooooong chat with DM today - she actually wasn't surprised and given DPs lack of input with parenting she thinks this is the best thing.

So tonight I'm going to find out when he's likely to be gone and ask him to confirm re maintenance or I will go down the formal route. Then tomorrow morning I am taking my notebook and laptop over to my parents and sorting out next steps from all the links / tips you have all so kindly shared.

MN is such a crutch in times of need, it really is. You've all been so kind to take the time out to help me.

@LittleOwl153 - thank you for the bullet points

Don't be surprised if he changes tack when you start to take control back and starts stringing you along.

If he is woolly about moving out give him a date - you need to be gone by 30 September for example.

I’ve been there too and much happier as a single parent. Would echo what others have said. Use the CMS calculator to see what the legal minimum is he owes for child support. If he’ll pay privately that’s great. If not and you have to go through the service I don’t think to can backdate the claim so good to be clear.

Good luck xx

No advice OP but wishing you the very best of luck - you sound like you've got your head screwed on and will be a fantastic role model for your little DD.

Good riddance to your arsehole of an ex, you're better off without the dead weight xxxxx

Don't ask him how much maintenance he's going to pay. Use the calculator to find out how much he should be paying and tell him what the CMS amount is so he can budget for moving out. He is not your friend, and you need to be firm that he pays what is due, rather than letting him dictate.

Then he has the choice to do so voluntarily, or understand that you'll go the official route, which will cost him more.

It may not feel like it right now, because what is happening is horrid, but you've got this

Thank you all.

God I'm feeling so sick waiting for him to come home now. We've still got to have dinner and I'll have to bath DD and put her to bed as usual before we can talk.

Also just felt tearful but I think those feelings might be best saved for a thread on relationships when I need a good rant / cry

Be strong, OP - this is his decision, he's really leaving you high and dry so he needs to take responsibility for his DD.

I know it's difficult when it's all still so raw but I bet it would really shock him if you tell him what's what in the way that some posters have advised.

Good luck, we're here for a handhold

Op, confirm with the on line calculator how much he should be paying.

His comments on he'll let you know when he's found someplace and your mothers comments on his lack of involvement indicate this man isn't intending to pay what he should for his child, and if he pays anything then it will fizzle out. He will do anything to stop you going the formal route, and he will try to pay less than he needs to. I'd be expecting some emotional black mail or anger or both.

So go into that conversation armed with knowledge. He doesn't get to have a child, walk away and not financially support her, dropping you in the shit.

She's six months old ffs. Make him step up. He can fuck off out of the relationship, but he can't not support financially. That's rule 1.01 and not a negotiation point for you.

So sorry op. And well done for getting your head together a bit so quickly. There is no shame in this. I'll be amazed if he doesn't live to regret it. Do not rehome dcats. Do not stop bfing and (try) not to panic. This is a rough patch you're in, not a rough life

So I've checked the online calculator and it's a whopping £38 a week I am entitled to based on his full time job (shop worker). He does jobs on the side and earns a variable, albeit significant extra, amount but I doubt he declares those earnings (a nagging point from me in our relationship) so not sure they would find them and take them into account.

If you know - even roughly what he earns do a calculation on cms before you speak to him. It will help you see where he is at - as in whether he plans to try to be reasonable.

(Also would be useful. For you to know roughly your current costs but that can be a red herring as to what he pays as you will both need to work within the finances available.)