To ask for you urgent help / advice / tips - feeling very scared

[apartment23]

Name changed for this as feeling very, well, scared and sick.

DP (less of the dear as it turns out actually) has decided he doesn't want to be with me anymore. Heartbreaking doesn't begin to cut it but there we go.

What I'm feeling really scared and sick about (and the reason for the desperate post) is I am currently on maternity leave as we have a 6mo DD and I have absolutely no idea how I am going to support her.

I'm on statutory maternity pay. We rent our house off my parents. Our rent is about what I am receiving in income at the moment so obviously leaves me stuck with bills and food etc. we also have 2 cats.

DP doesn't know what he will be able to contribute when he goes so I can't rely on that.

I intended to take the full year off but appreciate that might have to change. DD is EBF and won't take a bottle so I guess I'm going to have to really work on getting her to take milk out of something and look into going back to work.

My desperate please help me question is - am I entitled to any help at all? Although my parents would literally give me the clothes off their back if they could they won't be able to afford the mortgage on this house without a rental income (we pay exactly what their mortgage costs) so if I can't make rent I'll have to leave.

I'm thinking I'm going to have to rehome my beloved cats - should I contact the rescue shelter we got them from? Would they even take them back?

If I can get any help at all with housing costs will I have to leave my home and move somewhere else? If I can't get any help - what will happen to us?

Sorry this is such a jumbled horrid post but I'm just feeling so sick and scared and am spouting whatever comes into my head. I don't even know where to begin feels like
My whole world is ending.

Right firstly your stbx "doesn't know how much he'll be able to contribute" ?? Fuck that, use the CSA calculator and work out what he's going to pay then tell him he can choose a private arrangement or you can go through the CSA. He doesn't get to walk off and throw away his responsibilities.... please don't let him, be tough.

Then, get your mum or a friend to sit with you and help you create a "to do" list of practicalities. Arranging child care, introducing the bottle, visiting cab etc.

Take advice from CAB about benefits you are entitled to.

So sorry you're going through this, it sounds so scary and stressful. I think when you talk it through and have a vision of how to proceed then you will start to feel a tiny bit better and see light at the end of the tunnel!

Good luck

Could it become a house share? So your parents take rent from another person too? Maybe another mum and child you could sort of co-house? Share cooking and childcare babysitting?

If there’s a spare room

Grab his wage slips quickly before they disappear.

What do you mean? Youre not paying a rent for the house youre living in? I dont understand.

Go on to the child maintenance support website and you can put his salary in and see what he is expected to give you and the baby. If he doesnt like the sound of it, go through them. Theybtake a cut but might be still better in the long run as he sounds like he is going to make getting aupport difficult.

Why doesn't he know what he'll be able to contribute? Is he in a permanent job? He'll need to provide regular maintenance for his daughter. It won't just be you responsible for her now - just because he's moving out he still have a responsibility towards her.

Great advice already on here. He doesn’t just get to walk away. Who does he think he is?!

If there is a tenancy agreement and he’s named on it then he’s liable for the rent for the remainder of the tenancy, whether he lives there or not.

Otherwise sending you hugs and

Ok - you sound as though you are (understandabley) stressed - so here is a list for you... maybe others can add:

1. Find any info you can about his earnings - can you find a payslip or access the account it is paid into? take copies/screenshots and email elsewhere so that you retain that information.

1. Youve not said he wants to take the child - but just incase make sure you move her paperwork to a safe place (perhaps take to your mums?) - birth certificate, passport if she has one etc.

1. Look at www.gov.uk/calculate-your-child-maintenance using the information you have found this will tell you the minimum he MUST pay you in maintenance for your daughter. He will not be able to take an EBF child overnight so dont worry about that at this point.

1. Find out about your tenancy position - you will need a tenancy agreement, showing that you are paying market rent - so do a quick check on right move to see that this is the case. If the amount is about right then you can ask your parents to amend the exisiting one - if it isnt then perhaps it would be better to start with a fresh agreement.

1. Take a look at entitledto.co.uk and see what you are actually entitled to claim - this hopefully will put your mind at rest to a degree about finances. You might not be able to claim the housing benefit so calculate both ways and see where you are. But remember at a minimum you will get child benefit, and reduced council tax. You will likely get UC or tax credits at the very least shilst you are on maternity leave and probably some help towards childcare once you are back at work.

1. Make an appointment with the Citizens Advice Bureau or something similar in your area - your health visitor or local surestart/childrens centre will be able to point you in the right direction for this. They will help you sort out your benefits etc properly.

1. Chuck the bugger out - tell him he must move over the weekend and that you do not need the stress of prolonging this - and mean it!

Good luck - and keep asking questions - lots of people will have been there and know the answers.

I don't have any advice op, I just didn't want to read and run.

Be kind to yourself. I hope everything works out well for you. Take care.

CHeck the advice posted above from Shelter. You can get help with your rent, even if the property is owned by a relative.
Partner will have set amount that he will have to pay.
You will be entitled to benefit.

Do not panic, just get to work on your situation. Photocopy partners last few payslips. FInd rental agreement (your parents will also have a copy of this). They may need to make available details of their mortgage payments to show that they cannot afford to have you living at the house rent free.

I know this is difficult because you are clearly heartbroken, but you need to think of your child. Don’t panic into returning to work early, see what is available to you elsewhere first.

DP doesn't know what he will be able to contribute when he goes so I can't rely on that

I get sick & tired of reading about effing selfish men who haven't grown up, and expect me and the rest of the taxpayers of this country to support HIS responsibilities. Get an application into the CMS, and pursue him for it.

He cannot be allowed to simply walk away from his obligations.

And you should apply for any & every benefit you can. If your bastard STBeX won't face up to adult responsibilities, your child is fully entitled to whatever support you can find for your baby.

If I ruled the world fantasy : I think every man should pay an extra 1% tax - to cover the lowlifes who walk away from their family responsibilities. Once the good men who are proper grown ups and contribute to supporting their children realise it is costing them for their recalcitrant mates, they'd pretty quickly exert suvcj social & poiltical pressure that these cut-and-run excuses for fathers would be brought into line.

Good luck, OP.

Lottie You can claim housing benefit if you rent from a relative I did 2-3years back but you must provide a legal contract showing you pay them bank statements ect showing the money going to them and showing they don't send it right back

But they pay the exact amount of the mortgage and so it is a contrived tenancy and so most likely not eligible for housing benefit

Has it ever been rented on the open market? If so do you pay the same rent?

www.turn2us.org.uk/Get-Support & they have a calculator as well

I'm sorry you are going through such a tough time with such a small baby.

I've recently joined a frugal living thread here on Mumsnet; it's in the credit crunch section of the site and the posters there are full of great advice; it might be worth you looking at it.
Best of luck with everything

It's a horrible situation, but you'll get through it and you'll be absolutely fine. some good advice here about checking your benefit entitlement. Don't be embarrassed to claim whatever you're entitled to. Take one day at a time

Does your ex work? He cant walk away with a wishy washy "oh I dont know what I can contribute" attitude. He has legal responsibilities to his daughter.

We pay rent monthly for a separate house to my parents house

You mean the house you are living in now - or a different house to yours or your parents (Is there a 3rd house in this situation?)

Do you have any kind of formal tenancy agreement with your parents?

If you don't, they can buy a standard Assured Shorthold Lease contract form from a big branch of W H Smiths - you could ask them to put that in place, so you are ready to make a HB claim.

Sorry you are in this situation OP. Get maintenance sorted as soon as poss (Gov.UK is great re benefits, maintenance & also, renting). Get his name off the tenancy agreement you have with your parents. If you're really worried re £, as v short term stop gap can you Airbnb a spare room? Also, rental site Mon-Fri.com has people who want a weekdays only near work place as commute too huge.

If you stay alone in the house you get a single person discount on council tax. You would get working tax credit if you work. If you aren't working you'd get housing benefit. Very best of luck.

I am a bit confused. You are renting two separate houses, one of which is owned by your parents, is that correct?

Why?

Is DP employed? If so, he will not get away with all this "Don't know what I can contribute" bollocks. Get on to CMS as soon as you can.

I’m really sorry for what you’re going through, I’ve been a kind of a similar situation and it was really shit for a while but it does get better, I promise.

Definitely look into what benefits you’re entitled to, as a single parent on benefits you’ll be entitled to single person discount and council tax support.

I know it’ll be tough but I would recommend rehoming your cats as you need you and your dc first

I also rent off my dad and as long as it’s all official with a tenancy agreement it shouldn’t be a problem, getting you ex off it shouldn’t be too difficult as it’s your parents your renting off (I’m only guessing though)

I struggled for the last couple of months to get dd used to a bottle, I finally tried mam anti colic bottles and it only took a few attempts for her to take it, they’re not the cheapest but it’ll be worth it if they work.

I hope all of this helps, and remember it will get better!

You poor love. No advice but just wanted to say I’m sorry you’re going through this stress. It will be OK: “this too will pass”.

Will the parents insurance let them take housing benefit? Some don't.

You may not get housing benefit if renting from a close family member. You will get Universal credit or child tax credits depending on your area. universal credit will pay up to 85% of childcare costs when you go back to work. I'm afraid your ex will not be able to opt out of paying child maintenance so go through the correct channels to make sure you get this.

(((Hug)))

I’m so sorry he’s doing this to you. However, as much as it seems hard to believe now, you will be ok 🌷 Promise.

He ‘isn’t happy’ - well, fuck me, did Mr Unhappy not expect his life to change with a baby? Irresponsible, stupid, selfish twat. Do not defend him. Do not make excuses for him. He’s a manchild and has let you down very badly. Do not even consider it if he changes his mind, because he will let you down again in the future and you'll live your life waiting for it to happen. Be strong. Make sure he goes and stays gone. Tell your family & friends, don’t cover for him out of (totally unwarranted!) embarrassment or whatever. This is HIS issue and doesn’t reflect on you, do not blame yourself (as we tend to do).

It’s too soon to think about returning to work or rehoming your cats. For now just let your head and heart catch up. Make sure he’s gone tonight and tgat by Saturday afternoon (yes, I know, you want him to stay xx but he cannot now) he has taken all of his personal crap with him.

Focus on finding out how much you are entitled to claim (from entitled to and him) and get onto that as soon as possible. The rest will follow.

We will help you get through this

There's no third house. OP was specifying that the house she rents off her parents is not their house, i.e. she doesn't share with her parents. Her parents live in one house, they rent a second house to her and her partner.