AIBU in being unhappy that my ex bought our daughter a phone without telling me?

[NumanoidNancy]

I don't know how to handle this, relations with my ex are strained to say the least. On police advice, long story going back years, we only communicate by email or whatsapp, no face to face. Its not ideal but healthier for me and my daughter that way. Our daughter sees him every weekend for a night or two but I am the primary carer. She is adopted and has had some issues in the past but is doing OK and loves her dad. She has no contact with birth family.
Recently it turned out that he had bought her a smart phone for her eleventh birthday despite promising at Christmas that he wouldnt be doing so. I only found out a week and a half later at the end of school when she had been giving out the number to all the kids.
We live in a rural area, people tend not to give their kids phones in primary school though I know this is not the case in other places, a few of her friends have them but not all.

Our daughter is going up to secondary school in Sept, I and a number of the other parents of kids in her class had decided to keep phones away from our kids for at least a term so that they could settle in without having to deal with all the potential social media shit, settle in to a homework routine, learn to think on their feet about using the school office phone in a problem. I felt really strongly about this. Now this option has ben taken away from my daughter by her dad.

I emailed him to ask for info about his decision, to let me know what her number was, the type of phone, what security measures and boundaries he has put in place with her etc. He gave me her number but that is all, told me I needed to respect his decision and trust him to put measures in place.

Thing is this is a guy who cant even use Whatsapp properly, has only ever been to one parents evening in her whole time at school, really fails to deal with any issues whatsoever and is basically a bit of a disney dad. I am really concerned. Daughter is not supposed to use a phone in school so I have said there is no need to bring it back from her dads but the effects of her using it arent going to stay cosily contained at his and it is ALWAYS me who has to deal with bullying fall out and the like.

Is there anything I can do given that I dont know what email address the phone is registered to so cant change security settings, limit apps etc even if I do get her to bring it here?

It’s appalling of him. I don’t know what to say. That should be a joint decision.

Was it a joint decision to not have a phone or did you just decide on your own? If neither of you are going to try and coparent then it won't work. Seems like you would rather he wasn't involved.

Thanks, thats what I think too. I don't know if it is the latest in a whole loooong line of power trip behaviour with him, whether he is just incapable of saying no to her because she knows he is the soft touch out of the two of us or what. I don't think I am being unreasonable in asking for details of how he intends to protect her or monitor her use. She has already told me about the several whatsapp groups her friends who do have phones have set up, including two which are almost identical except for excluding one person from one of the discussions. That already sounds potentially unkind and not the sort of behaviour I am happy to have her involved in. Its the sort of thing I would be tackling her on if I had access to the phone but I would still rather she got used to her new school routine without it distracting her at home.

Apart from anything I am also gutted at having to tell the parents of the kids who still wont be getting phones that my daughter will no longer be in solidarity with them, leaving them in an ever dwindling group of kids with more strict parents trying to protect them and prolong their childhood just a few more months. At least when there were a few of them in the group they could band together and moan about us!

Notany I asked him at Christmas if he was intending to buy her a phone and outlined my reasons for wanting her to wait a year. He replied that he absolutely wasnt intending to so I guess I was under the impression it was sorted and that we would each inform the other if that position changed.

I was going to say YANBU, but you seem more bothered about giving off the 'right' image to a group of other parents than about how it will affect your daughter which is unreasonable.

He is definitely unreasonable, remember though that as her primary carer you can decide when she has access to the phone. Obviously that will probably involve an argument now your ex has stormed in and given her a phone.

You are right that in an ideal world for me he would just go away and leave me alone but that wouldn't be good for my daughter! I obvs don't badmouth him to her but she knows the situation is difficult.

(Brief back story is that he left to be with someone else, did so in the most awful way for a child with seperation issues due to adoption, continued to let himself into the house long after having his own place and being asked not to, to the point that he broke the door in early one morning when he thought I had locked it against him, the police allowed me to change the locks even though it was still legally part his house because his behaviour was so awful).

Oh I think thats unfair to say I am worried about giving off the right image, I am just feeling sad for one girl in her class in particular who definitely wont get a phone for years and who at least had an ally in my daughter or so I thought. I hate the idea of her being the only one being excluded from chat, she already has a difficult enough time as it is.

I understand that you had made a decision- and he had initially agreed with you. However it's 7 months later. You say that she is one of a few with a phone, and yet worry about another child who's parents won't be giving her a phone- so you'd be happier your daughter and this other child were excluded (potentially) more than your daughter being included? That seems strange to me. By having he phone kept at her dads house you have no opportunity to supervise or educate. That seems daft to me. It should come home with her, and hen you will know what is being said, and can supervise her use if you're concern d he won't. Some of your rationale seems reasonable and to be honest, some really doesn't.

I don't think OP sounds like she cares what the other parents think. I think it's great that this group of parents worked together to come up with a plan to try and reduce some of the stress of transition for their kids and OP is understandably upset that it got bollocksed up by ex.

OP in some ways you are NBU but your thought processes for your daughter at 11 for not having a phone are all over the place

Removing any other information (back story/other parents/other children) having a Smart phone at the start of secondary is sadly the norm. What you need to do is figure out how best to equip your daughter to use it

SD1978, I appreciate it may sound odd but phones for kids are only an issue when other kids also have them! If just one or two do (as has been the case up to now) then they have it with them for hanging out at the park or whatever, not for setting up whatsapp chats etc. My belief is that if parents had more balls they wouldn't give in to this weird 'rite of adolescence' that having a phone has become until much later. We all KNOW the issues around having phones, its crazy to me that we aren't as a society allowing our kids brains, self control and social skills to develop better before putting a potential self destruct bomb in their hands!

Hence a bunch of us wanting to hold out.

I actually think yabu.

Just before secondary is a good time for phones, imo. Because the kids will be travelling more and generally will start spending a lot of weekends with friends.

However, the reason I think yabu is that it is not up to you and a group of parents to decide wether your dd can or can have a phone.

I also think you can not dictate your ex to give you a list of measures he has in place.

As a single parent, I totally get it frustrating when you ex does something you don't want, but this is what happens. Just because you don't want something, it does not mean he has to comply.

I do think he should have told you. But I don't think you can tell him what he can and can't buy for your dd.

Quartz, yes I am hugely conflicted on what to do hence starting the thread and asking advice.

Its unlikely that even if the phone comes back here that the ex will give me the info I would need to place any controls on it so it feels like the safest thing to do is just give my daughter five phone free days a week. She is young in her year and quite young for her age, as well as being quite vulnerable with massive self esteem issues for adoption related reasons. A phone with unmonitored access to the internet is potentially disastrous for her.

My belief is that if parents had more balls they wouldn't give in to this weird 'rite of adolescence' that having a phone has become until much later. We all KNOW the issues around having phones, its crazy to me that we aren't as a society allowing our kids brains, self control and social skills to develop better before putting a potential self destruct bomb in their hands!

Oh do fuck off. I got my dd a phone at 11 because I believed it was the right time. Not because I couldn't say no. It seems you view this issue shows how superior you are. I suspect the group of parents you are trying to impress think the same.

Dd is now 14. We have never had problems caused by her having a phone. Her phones have always been checked, we educate her on how to use sensibly, we monitor what's going on.

She uses her phone responsibly and all her friends do. If she did mis use it it would be removed. But you don't teach responsibility by hiding the issue.

Thatsfuckingshit I'm sorry if it comes across that way but in truth I can't bear the parents of the other girl in the class who will def not have a phone for years, they are the last people on earth I would be interested in impressing, its simply that we agree on the issue of phones for pre-teens.

Maybe your kid was mature enough to handle it but like I said my daughter has a fair few reasons to be extremely vulnerable online and I genuinely don't feel my ex is protecting her enough on this issue.

You said if parents had more balls kids wouldn't have a phone at 11.

It ridiculous to think that parents are incapable of saying no to their kids.

It's just you that is capable of saying no. If this was just about your daughter not being ready you wouldn't have made the comment about other parents not having the balls to say no.

As it is she is with him for the remaining three weeks of the holidays so whether I had ever seen the phone or not she will already be using it extensively I am sure. Since I had no idea she was being given one I had no chance to prepare her, she doesn't use mine, she hasnt been interested before.

Going to secondary school is the perfect time. You live in a rural area and so she will have to travel. What happens when the bus breaks down or she misses it?

You sound obsessed about the wrong things. Yes ideally it should have been a joint decision but a you don't talk to each other that would have been challenging.

Most Year 7s have phones in my experience and as she makes new friends this will enable her to communicate with them. By not having phone she may be isolated which would impact on self-esteem- now you know that she can be part of the pack.

You teach internet safety to your children, that is good parenting.

Nope, its about herd immunity. Like I said you need loads of parents to say no if you are going to keep kids off phones.

Fevertree, if the bus breaks down or she misses it she will think on her feet and use the school office phone just like people have managed for years. Thats a far nore basic skill to learn that navigating online bullying.

I think your anger at your H is clouding your thoughts about the phone issue. I think it’s beneficial for children that age to have phones primarily for safety reasons and as long as you have the passcode and and can check the phone then it’s not the terrible thing you seem to think it is.

My daughter knows to come to me if there are issues, and yes, there WLL be issues come up but it’s part of life and growing up now. It’s not going anywhere.

Abusive ex aside, why do you get to make the decision as to when your child has a phone? Because that’s the decision your ex has just made but you think it should have been your decision. You are accusing him of what you were doing!

Thousands of kids have phones without any problems whatsoever. You yourself can educate your child on how to use it appropriately and keep safe. It is a useful tool to have both as a child and as a parent. And whether you like it or not, the majority will have them in September.

Compromise. The phone is there so manage itLet her bring it home and agree about usage.She doesn't take it to school and it stays downstairs half an hour before she goes up to bed.
At home she is probably using your wifi which you can put parental controls on.
Thus also gives you the chance to talk to her about internet safety.Ask her to give you her log in so that you can check the apps she has,but resist the impulse to snoop or read her mail.
All teens now use snap chat and Instagram,they may use messenger but not Facebook.For the first 2 years I also insisted on being her friend on all social media.

How does she contact you if she is on a bus that’s broken down with no office phone handy?