AIBU in being unhappy that my ex bought our daughter a phone without telling me?

[NumanoidNancy]

I don't know how to handle this, relations with my ex are strained to say the least. On police advice, long story going back years, we only communicate by email or whatsapp, no face to face. Its not ideal but healthier for me and my daughter that way. Our daughter sees him every weekend for a night or two but I am the primary carer. She is adopted and has had some issues in the past but is doing OK and loves her dad. She has no contact with birth family.
Recently it turned out that he had bought her a smart phone for her eleventh birthday despite promising at Christmas that he wouldnt be doing so. I only found out a week and a half later at the end of school when she had been giving out the number to all the kids.
We live in a rural area, people tend not to give their kids phones in primary school though I know this is not the case in other places, a few of her friends have them but not all.

Our daughter is going up to secondary school in Sept, I and a number of the other parents of kids in her class had decided to keep phones away from our kids for at least a term so that they could settle in without having to deal with all the potential social media shit, settle in to a homework routine, learn to think on their feet about using the school office phone in a problem. I felt really strongly about this. Now this option has ben taken away from my daughter by her dad.

I emailed him to ask for info about his decision, to let me know what her number was, the type of phone, what security measures and boundaries he has put in place with her etc. He gave me her number but that is all, told me I needed to respect his decision and trust him to put measures in place.

Thing is this is a guy who cant even use Whatsapp properly, has only ever been to one parents evening in her whole time at school, really fails to deal with any issues whatsoever and is basically a bit of a disney dad. I am really concerned. Daughter is not supposed to use a phone in school so I have said there is no need to bring it back from her dads but the effects of her using it arent going to stay cosily contained at his and it is ALWAYS me who has to deal with bullying fall out and the like.

Is there anything I can do given that I dont know what email address the phone is registered to so cant change security settings, limit apps etc even if I do get her to bring it here?

Fevertree, i can't say what i changed as then it WOULD be identifying but it was enough. There are thousands of kids out there going through similar stuff. Its really not unusual, hence my fears.

Feel free to have my post and your copy taken down though if you are worried obvs.

Why post that anecdote then if it isn’t what happened and you have changed details? What was the point of it then?

Why post loads of detail if that isn’t what you think happened?

If you're worried about that don't let her use her full name on Facebook or whatever. Teachers often don't so people can't find them

And that's why you check her phone. Teach her to use it responsibily. Not hide from it.

Again, you have no right to make this decision on your own. And unfortunately when parents are split we can disagree and don't have to listen to the other one.

My exh thinks checking was phone is an invasion of privacy. This is despite him constantly going through my phone when we were together. That's up to him. But I will check her phone.

Nicknacky you can swap detail around that might be identifying and still have the point of an event no? I.e if you say a wolf ate your guinea pig rather than a rabbit it doesn't change that a wolf ate your pet.

6 months is nothing in the grand scheme of things. He waited 9 so on that basis I think you're being unreasonable. What huge difference will 3 months make?

Pick your battles. DD will be getting my old phone in October because I want us both to get used to her having one before she attends the very different environment of Secondsry School. Take this opportunity to talk to her about internet safety and the rules applicable to having the privilege, not the right, of having a phone. DD has her own laptop (keen programmer) and she is only allowed to sign up to stuff using my email address (she has her own email address but it’s also an account my phone). I try to collaborate as much as possible and when I do insist, I hope I’ve made it very clear why. You won’t be the first parent to have reservations about their child having a mobile but there are resources online that can help you help her navigate the pitfalls of young people being online.

I would be unhappy about the lack of discussion too but I do think you were putting off a situation that was going to happen sooner rather than later. Use this time to talk to her, rather than wasting energies on battling your Ex who clearly isn’t interested.