AIBU in being unhappy that my ex bought our daughter a phone without telling me?

[NumanoidNancy]

I don't know how to handle this, relations with my ex are strained to say the least. On police advice, long story going back years, we only communicate by email or whatsapp, no face to face. Its not ideal but healthier for me and my daughter that way. Our daughter sees him every weekend for a night or two but I am the primary carer. She is adopted and has had some issues in the past but is doing OK and loves her dad. She has no contact with birth family.
Recently it turned out that he had bought her a smart phone for her eleventh birthday despite promising at Christmas that he wouldnt be doing so. I only found out a week and a half later at the end of school when she had been giving out the number to all the kids.
We live in a rural area, people tend not to give their kids phones in primary school though I know this is not the case in other places, a few of her friends have them but not all.

Our daughter is going up to secondary school in Sept, I and a number of the other parents of kids in her class had decided to keep phones away from our kids for at least a term so that they could settle in without having to deal with all the potential social media shit, settle in to a homework routine, learn to think on their feet about using the school office phone in a problem. I felt really strongly about this. Now this option has ben taken away from my daughter by her dad.

I emailed him to ask for info about his decision, to let me know what her number was, the type of phone, what security measures and boundaries he has put in place with her etc. He gave me her number but that is all, told me I needed to respect his decision and trust him to put measures in place.

Thing is this is a guy who cant even use Whatsapp properly, has only ever been to one parents evening in her whole time at school, really fails to deal with any issues whatsoever and is basically a bit of a disney dad. I am really concerned. Daughter is not supposed to use a phone in school so I have said there is no need to bring it back from her dads but the effects of her using it arent going to stay cosily contained at his and it is ALWAYS me who has to deal with bullying fall out and the like.

Is there anything I can do given that I dont know what email address the phone is registered to so cant change security settings, limit apps etc even if I do get her to bring it here?

Thats a far nore basic skill to learn that navigating online bullying

Bullying is a fact of life - school, workplace, amongst family and so-called friends. Learning how to deal with that is an essential skill.

And y dds school have just done away with planners so it's all on a phone app which they're not allowed at school!?

Unfortunately you are not going to change the fact she now has one, you can only enforce rules going forward.
You can enforce no phone in your home. Also as she is under 13 you can report all her social media apps once you know the user name (your Dd should supply this). They will freeze the account.
If its pay as you go you could also take the phone and replce the SIM so you can set up annew number with e-mails etc but this is likely to be inflammatory with your ex.
It's crap your ex went ahead and did this but your posts are focussed a lot on the fact you had wanted to be part of the holdout group. Change your focus to how to restrict access and enforce minimal time and responsible usage.

I don't think you realise that times change OP. Once upon a time people didn't have a whole host of technology that is available to us now. The reality you live in now is that smart phones are normal, so normal that many, many schools have homework apps or allow students to photograph information from boards in class for example. Homework is often done online and certainly my DS and his friends discuss homework and help each other using social media. I don't understand why you would want to prevent your DD from being included in that.

Our role as parents is to teach our children how to live in the world we have, not hold them back in a bygone era.

Will you answer why you believe this other group of parents and you made a decision for your daughter?

But your ex can not?

Agreed ohreally and she has been dealing with real life bullying for years with help from me, the school and social services. Its kind of exhausting tbh so adding another opportunity to the mix isn't great.

I'm a bit bemused by the concern for broken down school buses. Its not really a big deal, we live in a village so its not like she would be on a bus alone! They would just get a replacement bus along and she would be home a bit late.

Seventhgonickname, I agree I will need to compromise. Our home wifi has strict controls on it so I think after she has done the first term without it here we will try doing exactly that.

Ohreally not at all, I felt it was something we should agree together. You can do such things without being face to face I think. We manage to sort holiday activities, changes to routines, medical issues and the like using whatsapp.

But is she had a phone then she can contact you. Why would that be a bad thing?

I would far rather that than not be able to reach her should she fail to come home when expected. But I don’t expect you to agree that is a positive to having a phone!

Blimey Milktwosugars just how ancient do you think I am?! Im an ex music tech lecturer, using students phones all the time in lessons!

It would be naive to keep your kid away from tech, thats not at all what I'm trying to do.

Tbh OP you sound like my nan! At 87 we spent most visits listening to how it was in "her day" and how kids don't need the things they have. She called my mum spoilt when she got a front loading washing machine! Jenny from down the road didn't have one so quite why my mum thought she did was incomprehensible. 😂

Tricky one. We have got our DC there first phones just before starting secondary school. They were travelling to school too and I wanted them to be able to get in touch. The quality of the phone has changed somewhat since my eldest had his! He got a simple nokia. However the world has changed and DC don't use phones to talk anymore. Its messaging, snapchat, insta etc etc. The safest way to deal with a smart phone is to ensure you and your DD sit together and go through the security, check what apps she has downloaded and make sure you have access to her passwords. Talk to her about online safety and get her to sit through an online safety video. If she has been subjected to bullying a phone can be horrendous and DC are cruel. Snap chat especially can be used to bully as once message is opened it disappears. Its easy to be nasty from behind a screen. One of the main issues that I am aware of is DC being contacted via snapchat mainly and being asked for photos of themselves. Boys and girls contacting the opposite sex asking for nudes and after weeks and weeks of asking and putting pressure on some poor child has sent one, the screen shot is shared around friends. Terrible. My DD is 14 and she tells me it all but we have a good relationship and have an open dialogue about the risks.

Thatsfuckingshit I believe I already answered that in several different ways.

YABU. He is her parent too and I would overrule my ex if he'd stipulated this. I don't really understand your reasoning for not letting her have one, all sounds rather smug and virtue signalling.

I should add a friend of mine works for one of the large social media companies and she is refusing to let her DC get a phone until they are 14! She didn't go into detail as to what horrors she found out!

Hairymorag thats good to hear, I have pretty good relationship with my kid so I think we will be able to talk stuff out ok similarly I hope.

I think being an internet addict myself, being aware of some of its most murky corners and of some of the real dangers to adopted kids I just have different views of relative risk to some of you on here. A phone for my daughter is potentially far more fraught than for example the fact that she has been walking to school, on her own, without a phone (gasp, shock, horror) since she was ten.

I think you're being a bit precious, you can limit and check everything. He's her parent as well and probably knows 11 is the perfect time to have a phone, if I was him I wouldnt be listening to a load of other mums at the school either it's nothing to do with them.

OP the problem is being without a phone could potentially set her up as being different at the start of secondary school. Like it or not SMART phones exist and are the norm in secondary school and like it or not the majority or parents are not going to say no.

So the best and only thing you can do is get your daughter equipped on how to use one

Well quite HairyMorag.

'Smug and virtue signalling'. Hmmm. Ok, this is not my daughters situation but an adopted kid I know. He was removed from violent and abusive birth parents at a young age. Once he got a phone he was contacted by them via FB, giving him all sorts of bullshit about how much they loved him and wanted him back, how everything he had been told was lies etc. Of COURSE he was desperate to believe them so he ran away to live with them. The honeymoon period lasted all of two weeks before he very rapidly found out just how awful they were. This is a kid who still had cigarette burn scars on his leg from their punishments at the age of two. His adoptive parents had done everything in their power to protect him but the baddies still got through and the point was that they got him to talk to him in secret on the phone, stuff that wouldn't have happened on the family computer. This was ten years ago when kids didn't get phones until their mid to late teens so at least he had the good sense and maturity to contact his adoptive parents to get him the hell out. My concerns with younger kids in his or similar positions are numerous lets say.

Anyway, it has been really useful to hear opposing views (well the less bitchy ones anyway, I don't get the point of those at all), and I shall reconsider the way I approach this. I'm glad I started the thread before sending off a ranting email about it though I still think it was appalling of him to just plunge a kid into phone ownership without letting her primary carer know or even telling me her number I'm afraid.

Fevertree, if the bus breaks down or she misses it she will think on her feet and use the school office phone just like people have managed for years.

There isn't usually an office phone on a bus? My children once did get home until 11pm stuck in snow on a broken down school bus.

I have to say the way in which you are replying to people who are replying to your post in AIBU is making me side with your ex, you seem not to want to listen having asked a question.

Also you should not have posted that story about another adopted child.It is specific enough for them to be identified- and you should know that as an adopter. It also isn't your story to share.

Our local secondary has the pupils' timetable online so every year 7 must have a phone or tablet to access it. Most get them for their 11th birthday but dd won't be getting WhatsApp as the age is 16!

Fevertree jeez as if I wouldn't swap in enough details to make it unidentifiable??!!! I'm an adoptive parent, we are super cautious about this stuff.

Talk to her about responsible phone and internet use. Keep.talkimg to her about it.
Not worth a battle. You were going to get her a phone in six months anyway !

I'm obviously going to disagree that I'm not listening given that i've already said I'm going to change my approach but still, I'm not here to make friends just get other peoples opinions. All my friends (who know him and are potentially biased whether their kids have phones or not) were horrified by him buying her it without any sort of discussion so I felt I needed to step outside that bubble. I told him whever I was planning anything big like say a bike for her birthday or Christmas, I thought that was normal parenting, if only so you don't both get the same thing.

an adopted kid I know. He was removed from violent and abusive birth parents at a young age. Once he got a phone he was contacted by them via FB, giving him all sorts of bullshit about how much they loved him and wanted him back, how everything he had been told was lies etc. Of COURSE he was desperate to believe them so he ran away to live with them. The honeymoon period lasted all of two weeks before he very rapidly found out just how awful they were. This is a kid who still had cigarette burn scars on his leg from their punishments at the age of two. His adoptive parents had done everything in their power to protect him but the baddies still got through and the point was that they got him to talk to him in secret on the phone, stuff that wouldn't have happened on the family computer. This was ten years ago when kids didn't get phones until their mid to late teens so at least he had the good sense and maturity to contact his adoptive parents to get him the hell out

Really?

Cestlavie, true, this is what I keep coming back to myself too.