To have fallen out with my friends boyfriend because he takes the....

[SlimmingMumOf1]

Piss?

Every time I see my friend and her long term boyfriend who is in his 20s, he always says to me "have you shrunk or something? You're getting smaller!", I usually laugh it off but I have literally had it up to here with it. I know I am small (4'11"), I don't need to be reminded about it every single time I see them!

Yesterday, we decided to meet for a coffee and her boyfriend was walking with her on his way to work, I said hello to him then he said "you still haven't grown. Why are you so small", I immediately stopped in my tracks and told him why don't he take a good look at his ugly mug in the mirror and to grow the F up.

My friend was mortified. She said that she will text me later instead but she never did. I'm sorry but I just lost my temper with it! Surely I was not being unreasonable? I don't usually have a short fuse but yesterday really got to me! We are in our 20s FFS, surely that's what immature young idiots say to each other.

Good for you OP!! I think it would possibly have been better if you had made your disapproval clear in a polite way before flipping your lid and swearing but I dont blame you one little bit.

This boyfriend is clearly a twat and for all the apologists saying “oh he is probably socially awkward” well sorry, the world works how it works and he needs to get with the programme. Constantly needling someone in this way is not on. (And before people come on to berate me about this comment and how it affects people who are non-NT, being a bit of a git is not a recognised medical problem).

I am sorry if this means the friendship is affected though. I would text something along the lines of “Hi. Sorry for the blow up today but I had got to the end of my tether with the incessant needling about my height. Hope we can put this behind us and meet up soon”.

Oh how I sympathise with Vladimir'sPoutine about the "what's the weather like up there?" cracks! I'm tall, and guess what, I'd noticed, I don't need attention drawing to the fact. I have learned to parry with a weary sigh and something like "There's nothing like a bit of original humour, is there - and that was nothing like a bit of original humour" or, "gosh, am I really tall? I'd never noticed!"
It may be that he was just being a wally, and it's his idea of jovial banter, and your response gave him a bit of a pause for thought, or he may think he's impressing his girlfriend with his wit, but hopefully he'll think twice before crossing the boundary into rudeness.
If she's a good friend, it might be worth apologising for overreacting, on the principle that two wrongs don't make a right, and you shouldn't have been rude, but you were sorely provoked, and had been biting back the irritation because he is her boyfriend and you value you friendship with her.
Who knows, you may have saved others among her friendship circle from rudeness.
It may even be that she was mortified because you called him on something that was beginning to grate on her as well, but she'd rather avoid that uncomfortable conversation with him.

But there are people who don't mind having the piss taken out of them because of their height or whatever, and among groups of friends they regard it as banter.
This for me is key.
It is possible for people to make jokes and it genuinely be banter.
It is also possible for someone to be a dickhead making jokes.

If someone laughs off a joke and doesn't say anything then it's not unreasonable for the person to think that it's an acceptable banter type joke.

If someone makes to clear they don't like it and the person carries on then they are being a dickhead and it a clearly not friendly banter.

Personally, I'd have rolled my eyes 1st time (sort of yeah haha so funny response) and called him out on 2nd 3rd time without resorting to swearing at him. Or I might have had a chat with my friend and said 'so and so thinks he's being hilarious but the short jokes aren't new, aren't funny and are really pissing me off'.

Erm not you do not owe anyone any apologies!!!!!!. Your friend will just have to handle being mortified. You were well within your rights to "snap" and give him a taste of his own medicine. If he can give it he can take it. Perhaps he'll think twice in future about being an insensitive arse hole
Okay a joke is one thing. However when it's constant and starts upsetting someone that's when it needs to reined in. Plus once you've said it 2 or 3 times it becomes bleeding boring.
On a separate note can she not even go for a coffee with her best friend without him draped over like Cleopatra

I have not dismissed the centuries of oppression of black people as being irrelevant to their experience of discrimination. What I rather hoped I had said ( do read it again) was that the lack of documentation of oppression of other minorities, e.g the short, is in no way a mitigating factor when considering how OK it is to pick on them.

I don’t need to read it again, maybe you need to reread and work out why your posts are so inflammatory?

It isn’t the same. Granted, yes, racist dickheads are probably the kind of people who would find this funny, but a few dickheads making life unpleasant isn’t the same as the daily racism and marginalisation experienced by black people.

It just isn’t. Your continued insistence that it is the same is the minimising, and your dogged determination to continue comparing the two is showing you up.

God this thread is bonkers. OP, you were completely right to call him out, I don't think you 'snapped', and I don't think you owe him an apology. Why should you ensure there are no consequences to his behaviour?

To people on the thread suggesting this is all just a joke OP should laugh off, you obviously haven't really experienced similar. I am a short arse, most people don't care or even notice, I don't really care (other than the practical issues associated with living in a world designed for men of average height) but some people are utterly, utterly obsessed with other people's height or lack thereof. The friend's boyfriend is one of those people.

Despite not being bothered by my height, I have never managed to sustain a relationship with people who fall into the latter category, and do you know why? Their compulsive need to mention my height at every available opportunity was a dick move to force me into admitting my assumed inferiority compared to them because they just weren't very nice people. Bullies even.

There have been other threads like this on here in the past discussing comments about height, and while women who are taller get unpleasant and uncalled for remarks on their height from twats, it is interesting to note that they don't tend to assume they were expected to just laugh it off. Minimise and ignore perhaps, but laugh it off? Not really. That seems to be unique to shorter people.

I am short but I would never minimise someone taking the piss over my height with racism!

I do wonder whether he wasn't actually taking the piss but trying to establish an "in" joke with his GF's friend and thus create a bond between you. However the problem was you never let him know at an earlier stage that you didn't appreciate the comments so then blew up when you could take no more.

It wouldn't occur to me that people would have an actual issue with my height because I don't.

Good for you, OP. He had it coming.

It just isn’t. Your continued insistence that it is the same is the minimising, and your dogged determination to continue comparing the two is showing you up

Hilarious juxataposition of your "It just isn't" against my "dogged determination"

Granted, yes, racist dickheads are probably the kind of people who would find this funny

I have never argued this.

but a few dickheads making life unpleasant isn’t the same as the daily racism and marginalisation experienced by black people

You make a hierarchy of oppression that privileges that of black people. What I am saying, is that all discrimination based on the unalterable conditions of a a person' s existence , whether It be sex, race, height, are out of order,.

How are my posts inflammatory, and if so, report them why don't you?

You make a hierarchy of oppression that privileges that of black people. What I am saying, is that all discrimination based on the unalterable conditions of a a person' s existence , whether It be sex, race, height, are out of order,

You understand nothing about oppression, and I cannot continue to debate with someone who doesn’t understand the basic concept of oppression.

Have a nice day. Might I recommend doing some research into white privilege, because yours is showing and it’s not good.

To people on the thread suggesting this is all just a joke OP should laugh off, you obviously haven't really experienced similar
I have experienced similar. I don't think it's a joke she should laugh off. I'm saying that if she goes along with it and says nothing then I can see how it could be taken as friendly banter (even if annoying).

I think she should have told him to cut it out sooner rather than say/do nothing and then snap.

He deserved it, well done OP

OK, quite sad of me, but I just looked up the word 'banter' and (as I thought😊) it says 'the playful and friendly exchange of teasing remarks'.

In other words, it's generally accepted to be a two way thing, not one person constantly chipping away with 'jokey' remarks, while the other person politely puts up with it. Banter would be mutual repartee surely?

It was not banter. At best, he's socially inept and lacks perception, at worst he's a bully.

I'm short (5'0") and have had jokes like this before. had a 5'11" boyfriend who would rest his arm on my head and call me his armrest. At the time, my discomfort at the situation meant I just kind of smiled and said nothing. I smile when I'm uncomfortable, unfortunately, and not very good at speaking out for myself (years of being bullied and feeling inferior, I guess) so I'd have done the same in this situation.

People react in different ways, the OP should have never been put in the situation of having someone joke about her height. He sounds like a dickhead and she did nothing wrong. If he can't see that constant jokes about a person's appearance are potentially offensive then it's time someone told him. And he sounds like the kind of person that a mild "I don't like that" would only goad him into then making jokes about her being sensitive or something.

@echt

So, black people are now so oppressed, that it has actually become a privilege for them? Well isn't that lucky.

Based on your new world view, I for one am thrilled that I can now claim the teasing I've received for my ginger hair over the years, is equal to those who've experienced centuries of slavery, servitude and genocide.

👍🏻

I understand where you were coming from, OP.

I hope your friend does, too. Tell her how he has been making you feel Every Fucking Single Time you see him. Every time. And it's rude and designed to make you feel awkward and self-conscious and wrong-footed (because you can't change your height!) and you don't like it. It's unkind at the very least, and bullying if it's done with malice.

If your friend is a true friend, she will have told him to stop immediately and to apologize to you.

Meh he was being a prick, probably shocked to get back what he gives out! At least you don’t have to spend time with him now...

For goodness sakes, stop being arses and turning the post into a race row 🙄

@echt So, black people are now so oppressed, that it has actually become a privilege for them?

I have not said that anywhere.

@echt

"You make a hierarchy of oppression that privileges that of black people."

That is a direct quote from your post.

In the context of this thread- you disagree that the oppression of black people is any more "wrong" than being mean to someone because they're short. I think that is incorrect.

I think the boyfriend has been an arse and that the OP has the right to be offended.

However, I doubt the OP has:

• been followed round a shop because they think she's a thief because she's short.
• been stopped and searched for being a bit too short
• been assumed to be carrying a weapon for being short
• been shot at for being short
• been assumed to have any number of negative characteristics because she's short.
• had people be surprised that she has a university education because she's short
• been subject to longer prison sentences because she's short

I could go on, but hopefully made my point.

I would assume the OP has been pissed of by comments and stung by bullying and thats probably been shit for her. And it's allowed to be shit for her, and she's allowed to complain.

But it's not the same thing.

Another race row. 🙄

People should not be able to derail threads like this. It is such an obvious tactic and yet it is condoned.

Echt When there are marches against short people, when short people can be regularly shot dead by police without any consequence, when short people receive disproportionately punitive jail sentences compared to tall people, when short people are rounded up and used as literal slaves. THAT'S when you can compare being short to being black. Now off you fuck.

echt "You make a hierarchy of oppression that privileges that of black people."That is a direct quote from your post.In the context of this thread- you disagree that the oppression of black people is any more "wrong" than being mean to someone because they're short

I sure do.

She has has been mocked/discriminated against on the basis of an innate characteristic. This is no more or less significant than any discrimination against any other innate characteristics. The weight of history in this particular context, i.e. lack of documentary evidence to support historical prejudice against the short is not relevant.

SlimmingMumOf1

You were right to do what you did, and in how you did it, Someone upthread posted that this is a no win situation and they are correct for the reasons that they stated.