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AIBU?

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Original poster

To have fallen out with my friends boyfriend because he takes the....

124 replies

SlimmingMumOf1 · 15/08/2018 08:12

Piss?

Every time I see my friend and her long term boyfriend who is in his 20s, he always says to me "have you shrunk or something? You're getting smaller!", I usually laugh it off but I have literally had it up to here with it. I know I am small (4'11"), I don't need to be reminded about it every single time I see them!

Yesterday, we decided to meet for a coffee and her boyfriend was walking with her on his way to work, I said hello to him then he said "you still haven't grown. Why are you so small", I immediately stopped in my tracks and told him why don't he take a good look at his ugly mug in the mirror and to grow the F up.

My friend was mortified. She said that she will text me later instead but she never did. I'm sorry but I just lost my temper with it! Surely I was not being unreasonable? I don't usually have a short fuse but yesterday really got to me! We are in our 20s FFS, surely that's what immature young idiots say to each other.

OP posts:
ChimesAtMidnight · 15/08/2018 09:17

I don't get it - the boyfriend was surely body shaming ? Or is it only body shaming when it's targeted at weight ?

YeTalkShiteHen · 15/08/2018 09:19

ShatnersWig aye I can see that point too.

I still don’t think OP was wrong though. He won’t do it again, and if her so called friend picks a man over a good, long standing friend then she isn’t much of a friend.

VladmirsPoutine · 15/08/2018 09:20

Yanbu. He sounds like an obnoxious prat. I'm a foot taller than you and jokes about the weather up here are still just as pratish.

echt · 15/08/2018 09:21

As I understand body shaming, it seems to be addressing things you can (ought to in the eyes of the shamer) change, e.g. bingo wings/fat.

Being short is not alterable in that sense.

DerelictWreck · 15/08/2018 09:21

*Just put "black" instead of "short" Yeah, black jokes and short jokes are TOTALLY the same thing. Just like "Knock Knock" jokes are in the same league as Dead Baby jokes

They are the same because they are about an aspect of the person they cannot change.*

My god that is not the same.

Black jokes aren't offensive because it's something a person can't change (fyi you're suggesting black people would want to change the colour of their skin?!) black jokes are offensive because of centuries of oppression and marginalisation.

If you don't understand the difference, then that's on you.

Guienne · 15/08/2018 09:21

The problem is that you laughed it off previously when you could have responded more directly and made it obvious how stupid he was being without being directly offensive. I know it's easy to come up with responses from behind a keyboard, but it may have been better to reply along the lines of "No, I'm not getting shorter, it would be physiologically impossible, why would you think that?" and "Why on earth would you ask why I'm small? Weren't you listening in biology classes?" and move on to "Haven't you thought of anything more original to say yet?"

JacNaylor · 15/08/2018 09:22

Oh ffs all these people blaming you because he was a dick and you finally stood up to him?? Please don't apologise, he needs to learn to stop making repeated personal comments and expecting everybody to laugh and fawn over him. Grr annoyed for you Angry

ShatnersWig · 15/08/2018 09:23

@echt But there are people who don't mind having the piss taken out of them because of their height or whatever, and among groups of friends they regard it as banter. I know people who genuinely don't mind a nickname due to their height and in fact encourage it. I don't know anyone who would not mind being called something because of their skin colour.

Urbanbeetler · 15/08/2018 09:23

If he was any sort of decent, he’d apologise, mean it and then perhaps be a bit wary of you from now on.

30hours · 15/08/2018 09:25

Good for you!

Juells · 15/08/2018 09:26

Black jokes aren't offensive because it's something a person can't change (fyi you're suggesting black people would want to change the colour of their skin?!) black jokes are offensive because of centuries of oppression and marginalisation.

I always assumed black jokes/Irish jokes/Asian jokes are offensive because it's assuming that there's something wrong with being black/Irish/Asian. Nothing to do with history of oppression.

DerelictWreck · 15/08/2018 09:30

Juells

But surely that's the same? The assumption that something is 'wrong' with that characteristic because of the way they've been treated /they've been treated that way because of the assumption there is something 'wrong' with that characteristic? It's two sides of the same coin and isn't on the same level as a height joke or a ginger joke. Not saying those are ok, but making a false equivalence between height and race doesn't help anyone.

ScreamingValenta · 15/08/2018 09:30

Jokes about someone's physical appearance are bad form in any circumstances. The sooner your friend's boyfriend learns this important social lesson, the better.

echt · 15/08/2018 09:32

Just put "black" instead of "short" Yeah, black jokes and short jokes are TOTALLY the same thing. Just like "Knock Knock" jokes are in the same league as Dead Baby jokes

They are the same because they are about an aspect of the person they cannot change.

Black jokes aren't offensive because it's something a person can't change (fyi you're suggesting black people would want to change the colour of their skin?!)
Black jokes are offensive because they are about what a person cannot change, they are what that person is. I am not suggesting any black person would want to not be black.

black jokes are offensive because of centuries of oppression and marginalisation

The centuries of marginalisation argument doesn't wash.Of course black people have a history of oppression. What minority hasn't been marginalised, some in more publicised ways than others? Just because the short don't have a well-documented history of oppression doesn't make it OK.

It's not ever OK to ever attack person for what they are. Only what they do.

Poodletip · 15/08/2018 09:33

To be fair you probably could have handled it better and not snapped but I don't really blame you. I'm also 4'11" and I ended up punching someone at school who relentlessly took the piss. TBF she was saying "You really want to punch me don't you? Go on punch me!" at the time...

As an aside I mostly love being small but sometimes I hate it. Some people cannot seem to understand that physically looking down on someone doesn't mean you shouldn't look down on them personally too. I have been teased, patronised, treated like a child and not been taken seriously professionally all due to my height. Practically I find I can't reach things, mirrors can be too high, there are cars I can't drive because I can't reach the peddles. It may not be comparable to racism but heightism really is a thing. That is perhaps why we don't actually find it funny when people joke about it.

Liciaflorrick · 15/08/2018 09:34

I think your are brilliant op. I am about the same height as you. I have learnt to live with all the demeaning comments, but note as someone else said they are always made by bullies. I have been really surprised by the comments made by many of DD's friends mums (and it always seems to be mums) She was prem and very petite still (now aged 12), she gets tons of comments about her height etc. I witnessed it at a friend's barbecue on the weekend, and really couldnt grasp how adults (and yes it was mainly the mums) seem to think personal comments like this are OK. I stepped in, and will be encouraging dd to do so more in future.

Making people feel bad to make yourself feel good is rubbish.

Good for you

DarlingNikita · 15/08/2018 09:39

Oh, fuck him and your 'friend' too if she can't see what a tiresome individual he is and why he pissed you off.

I'd have said something similar. I probably would have lost my patience a lot sooner than you did though.

Gemini69 · 15/08/2018 09:40

Good for you OP.. what a DICK he is... clearly has no imagination and struggles to make any conversation beyond criticizing you Flowers

YeTalkShiteHen · 15/08/2018 09:41

The centuries of marginalisation argument doesn't wash.Of course black people have a history of oppression. What minority hasn't been marginalised, some in more publicised ways than others? Just because the short don't have a well-documented history of oppression doesn't make it OK.

Off the fence now. Whaaaat? You cannot just dismiss centuries of oppression, abuse, and marginalisation. And you have which is enormously offensive.

I got the comparison, and where you were coming from in a clumsy way right up until that last comment. Nope.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 15/08/2018 09:46

Good for you! I had a friend who repeated the same "joke" about me almost every time we met. (It was a very hurtful one about my personal appearance - something that short of plastic surgery, I couldn't do anything about.)

At first I tried laughing it off (good sport that I am ie soft shite), then I tried ignoring it, then, when it got to the stage where whenever we met someone new, or was in different company she dragged this "hilarious" tale out, and I was at the point of tears, I told her (in private - I didn't humiliate her in front of everyone as she did me) I found it upsetting, and was accused of making her feel like shite because I "couldn't take a joke". And she still told the same "joke" every single time so I just dropped the friendship and went NC.

This was 20-odd years ago. She occasionally phones me but I don't respond. She made me feel like rubbish for the remarks she made about my appearance, and totally unreasonable for having the temerity to object to them.

I have often wished that I had had the courage to say something similar about her. "X - if every time we went out I referred to you as the "fat sweaty lass with the saggy tits", would you still think that was hilarious?"

(Yes - that was the sort of comment she was making about me. Not the same comment, but the same type of comment).

As it is, she probably still feels badly done by, but I don't regret it - except, as I say, I wish I had hit her in her weak spot about her appearance so that she would know what it was like. (Though doubtless she would have turned it round against me, because shows good at making people feel guilty for calling her out on things, too - maybe it's better I didn't say anything.)

SchadenfreudePersonified · 15/08/2018 09:48

I suppose rather than saying what you said, you could always have asked him why he was still a twat? . ..

Juells · 15/08/2018 09:49

isn't on the same level as a height joke or a ginger joke.

Ginger 'jokes' are racist, they're just code for being racist against Scots and Irish. Do you think red-haired people enjoy them?

echt · 15/08/2018 09:50

The centuries of marginalisation argument doesn't wash.Of course black people have a history of oppression. What minority hasn't been marginalised, some in more publicised ways than others? Just because the short don't have a well-documented history of oppression doesn't make it OK

Off the fence now. Whaaaat? You cannot just dismiss centuries of oppression, abuse, and marginalisation. And you have which is enormously offensive

I have not dismissed the centuries of oppression of black people as being irrelevant to their experience of discrimination. What I rather hoped I had said ( do read it again) was that the lack of documentation of oppression of other minorities, e.g the short, is in no way a mitigating factor when considering how OK it is to pick on them.

Short people may be the the new kids on the block, but like black people, they are being discriminated against/picked on for what they are.

HollowTalk · 15/08/2018 09:54

You should have replied, "Still got a small dick?"

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 15/08/2018 09:55

Oh, he's one of those people who are "only joking." Bet he tells women to "smile, love"' as well. He'll be all huffy to your mate and now you will be known as the bad tempered short arse. (To him)
If you are worried about your mate, just message her to say, "Sorry, I've been as polite as I could with X's repeated poor jokes about my height, but yesterday was enough. I don't want to fall out with you, but I hope he now stops."

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