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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask you how you cope with the fact that people (including you) are mortal?

54 replies

ConfusedWife1234 · 14/08/2018 21:48

I know that this is an unusual question but @DieAntword and me had a chat in another thread about this where it was off topic so I thought I start a thread.

One the one hand I think the realization that people are mortal improves my life because it makes me realize that I want me loved ones close to me because they could be taken from me any minute.

I think I have been written about this here. The poem “to an athlete dying young“ moves me so much more since I became a mother. It is about a young man, ahealthy young athlete, who dies in the prime of his years. As the mother of athletic boys, sister of athletic brothers and wife of a pudgy but athletic hubby that moves me deeply.

On the other hand I sometimes do think it was best if I did not knew people are mortal because it just spoils my mood.
When I was younger I felt that me and my loved ones were immortal. Of course I knew we were not but it felt like this... and it felt good.
Now I realize how vulnerable we actually are and how easily everything we take for granted can be taken away from us.

I am a Christian but I have to say that my faith often is not as deep as it should be.

OP posts:
jamoncrumpets · 14/08/2018 21:52

Have you lost anyone close to you? In my experience that changes everything.

SilverHairedCat · 14/08/2018 21:54

Mortality doesn't distress me. Perhaps because I've seen death first hand in so many states. I'm an ex police officer, so have been the first to the scene of many deaths of the very old and the very young.

I've investigated (as part of a team) many murders, and seen suspected murders transpire to be sad accidents.

Elderly loners. Awful cot deaths. Road traffic collisions. Pedestrians.

I've climbed in windows to find bodies based on the absence of signs of life, to find happily alive people and sad scenes of death.

I'm not afraid of death itself. I'm afraid of certain methods of dying.

Mrsmadevans · 14/08/2018 21:56

I am a Christian and believe that l will go to heaven and be with my loved ones . I have no worries about death, l feel like sometimes life is not all that great here sometimes tbh .

InsomniacAnonymous · 14/08/2018 21:56

I'm terrified of widowhood, dementia and incapacity. I think death will be very welcome indeed.

Frogscotch7 · 14/08/2018 21:57

It gives me great peace knowing that a few hundred years from now nothing that is important to me now will matter any more.

EvaHarknessRose · 14/08/2018 22:01

I’d be terrified of immortality. I think you might be suffering from deep thinking ie. we would all get down if we thought about things too much. Stay on the hamster wheel and think happy thoughts Grin.

Naughty1205 · 14/08/2018 22:07

I'm terrified of it. I try not to think about it.

InDubiousBattle · 14/08/2018 22:09

Between the ages of 18 and 20 I went to 4 funerals, my mum, my uncle, my god mother and a close family friend. So I suppose the mortality of others was brought screaming into my consciousness at a relatively young age. For several years it made me incredibly protective of my family and friends. Too much so. It wasn't a healthy way to be tbh but it gradually got better over the years. My own mortality never really worried me (but sickness did obviously )until I had children if my own, now I'm very afraid of leaving them. It has had positive outcomes though, I've lost a lot of weight, drink less, generally take better care of myself but my anxiety levels have suffered.

justcontemplatingsomething · 14/08/2018 22:10

I think about it a lot more since having children. Well since becoming pregnant actually, when I had a nightmare that DH died in a car accident before the baby was born and, even though it was just a dream, it haunted me for ages. For me, having children of my own showed me how vulnerable and dependent children really are, and how I want to protect them from the world and I've no idea how we'll explain death to them when we need to.

It's given me a real sense of admiration for all those people out there who deal with such difficult situations like the death of a partner or a terminal illness. I know you just have to deal with things somehow if they happen to you, but if I ever think about being in that situation I do feel quite distressed

Original poster
ConfusedWife1234 · 14/08/2018 22:11

@Jamoncrumpets My dh is alive and well, but he has ptsd and he told me he might have thoughts of hurting himself if stress at his workplace continues... and he is pretty big guy, pretty athletic... not that type of person... and I think that this is just weird.
(He is seeing a therapist and in medication now and promised me to do something and seeks help if he really starts having the thoughts).

OP posts:
Aintnothingbutaheartache · 14/08/2018 22:12

When we are young we feel immortal. Life has a way of kicking in with reality.
Live for today.
We all have a sell by date, best make it count

InsomniacAnonymous · 14/08/2018 22:12

I don't understand being terrified of death at all. I only understand being terrified of what will precede it.
The thought that terrifies me more than anything is thinking of my lovely daughter as an old woman and wondering if she will be alone or surrounded by a loving family. I hope the latter of course, but just thinking of my daughter as an old woman is truly horrific, even though of course it is inevitable unless she dies young, which is just as unthinkable. Sad

Original poster
ConfusedWife1234 · 14/08/2018 22:14

@Justcontemplatingsomething I had a dream about loosing my kids in a terror attack. Yes, that kind of dreams are so scary.

@Mrsmedavans I am envious of people who are so stoic in their faith. I wish I was like this. Do you never have doubts?

OP posts:
Original poster
ConfusedWife1234 · 14/08/2018 22:15

@InDubiousBattle I am so sorry to hear Flowers.

OP posts:
RefuseTheLies · 14/08/2018 22:17

I’m not religious so I don’t believe in an afterlife, and some days the nothingness of death feels like it would be a relief.

I’ve already lost my parents and sibling, and if anything were to happen to my DD, I would likely take my own life (she has no siblings) as I couldn’t bear anymore loss. Strangely, this brings me a sense of peace.

SpottingTheZebras · 14/08/2018 22:20

Like RefuseTheLies I feel an element of peace regarding death. I don’t want to die for many years and certainly not before when I should but my youngest daughter is dead so the thought of being dead with her has a comfort to it.

Rednaxela · 14/08/2018 22:21

Without death, life would have no meaning.

Like, if you went on holiday and stayed on holiday for the rest of your life, it wouldn't be a holiday any more. You have to go back to work for the holiday to mean anything.

I guess in that metaphor life is a holiday?!

InDubiousBattle · 14/08/2018 22:23

I often wonder how much thinking /worrying/anxiety about death is 'normal'. I think about myself dying most days, not a constant worry but I think of it. I think about my children dying everyday, not a paralysing anxiety but an underlying fear. I've always said that it's the worst thing about parenthood isThe Fear. It doesn't seriously affect my life but I know it's not 'normal'. Dp hadn't been to a funeral until well into his 30s and says he never really thinks about it at all.

Dsc1907 · 14/08/2018 22:25

It gives me great peace knowing that a few hundred years from now nothing that is important to me now will matter any more.

Whereas I just find it even more distressing to know that all this pain and suffering was for absolutely fuck all. A cruel hand from the universe.

I hear lots of people say that and I wish I too could find it comforting, but I don't. I guess we've just had very different life experiences.

Finfintytint · 14/08/2018 22:27

I'm with Silverhairedcat. I'm fine with my mortality. My view is if I die tomorrow then I have comfort that I have already lived a pretty good life and any further years do not add to my experiences already gained.
The cause of my demise is what concerns me if anything ( also ex old bill ).

Original poster
ConfusedWife1234 · 14/08/2018 22:27

@InDubiousBattle I do think you think of it too much. That‘s my honest opinion. Doesn‘t it keep you from enjoying life?

Of course you need to be vigilant around children but not hypervigilant. Maybe you have got ptsd. I am not a doctor, but have you heard about ptsd? Hypervigilance is one of the symptoms.

OP posts:
Dsc1907 · 14/08/2018 22:27

I guess in that metaphor life is a holiday?!

I think I want a refund then.

StorminaBcup · 14/08/2018 22:27

I'm scared of dying. I can cope with death and losing loved ones (DF, DM, GP's, uncles, etc., have all died), but when I think about my own and what I'll miss out on when it comes to my dc, the thought of not being here frightens me. I'm not religious and I'd love to find a way to make peace with it.

SciFiFan2015 · 14/08/2018 22:27

I'm absolutely terrified about death and have been since my Mum died when I was 8. My mortality was forced upon me then. I don't want to not exist anymore. I can't see how life can go on without me. Thinking of my children in their 70s and 80s terrifies me too.
I love life, I really do but sometimes I wish I hadn't been born at all - then I wouldn't be thinking along these lines
I lost my faith when my Mum died.
If I think about it too much I get all panicked and cry.
I have to consciously think about something else.

Pashazade · 14/08/2018 22:28

Like a PP I lost my mother, close family friend, grandmother, great aunt and grandfather in the space of 8 years, starting when I was 14. I can't get hung up on mortality, death happens, it's a fact of life and we gloss over it far too much these days. Obviously it occasionally crosses my mind, I'm the same age now as my mother was when she died and I worry what would happen to my son but really it is something the people left behind you can live through. So whilst it would be awful for them I'm not going to know am I! And if by chance there is a heaven well I shall be damn happy to be seeing all those I've lost.

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