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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask you how you cope with the fact that people (including you) are mortal?

54 replies

ConfusedWife1234 · 14/08/2018 21:48

I know that this is an unusual question but @DieAntword and me had a chat in another thread about this where it was off topic so I thought I start a thread.

One the one hand I think the realization that people are mortal improves my life because it makes me realize that I want me loved ones close to me because they could be taken from me any minute.

I think I have been written about this here. The poem “to an athlete dying young“ moves me so much more since I became a mother. It is about a young man, ahealthy young athlete, who dies in the prime of his years. As the mother of athletic boys, sister of athletic brothers and wife of a pudgy but athletic hubby that moves me deeply.

On the other hand I sometimes do think it was best if I did not knew people are mortal because it just spoils my mood.
When I was younger I felt that me and my loved ones were immortal. Of course I knew we were not but it felt like this... and it felt good.
Now I realize how vulnerable we actually are and how easily everything we take for granted can be taken away from us.

I am a Christian but I have to say that my faith often is not as deep as it should be.

OP posts:
hodgeheg92 · 14/08/2018 22:32

It terrifies me when I think too much about it. This thread has made me feel all churned up inside.

I didn't think about mortality at all of myself or my peers until I became a parent, now I'm scared of not doing enough with my time with my family. I think it's because seeing your child grow is such an unavoidable marker of the passage of time.

I counteract this by stoically sticking my head in the sand.

BMW6 · 14/08/2018 22:34

None of us have any choice whatsoever on this. You are going to die - as am I, and every single person born.
If you are afraid, just remember how afraid you were before you were born.

Birdsgottafly · 14/08/2018 22:36

"". not that type of person..""

Self harming and suicide doesn't have a type.

I'm thinking how I want to spend the next phase of my life, I'm 50, single (widowed) and disabled, but recovering.

A death of people in your peer group, a few Cancer diagnosis, bowel/bladder/age related illnesses and you realise that if you make plans too far ahead, they may not happen.

I've got massive regrets that I need to make peace with, before I age much more.

I'm hoping I'll go in my 80's, as other Female relatives have. My GC will be proper Adults and I'm ensuring I have a good relationship with them. So I'll be able to let them know that I'm ready to go and leave them and my children with good memories.

Makesmilingyourbesthobby · 14/08/2018 22:36

The thought of my death doesn't worry me it's more the thought of me not being here for my dd s anymore, the thought of them having to go through my death funeral planning same me and my siblings had to when my father passed that upsets me sometimes I think it's the motherly instincts to be there for your children that makes me have these thoughts sometimes I think it's me losing my father and wanting him here to hold sometimes, can really upset me when I let myself think about it too much that I just won't be here for them anymore, as a previous poster as put about thinking of they lovely child old & alone i have never thought but now that has me thinking and is an awful thought

Original poster
ConfusedWife1234 · 14/08/2018 22:38

@hodgeheg I had similiar feelings when I had my first son and watched my kids grow... and when I found my first white hair not long ago... and dh has silver sleeves now. We are still young... well compared to other people that is... but it is odd. We age. Who would have thought so? Never thought it would happen to me lol.

OP posts:
Vitalogy · 14/08/2018 22:41

I believe the body is a vessel that holds the spirit which is eternal. Reincarnating.

Charley50 · 14/08/2018 22:43

I'm scared of NOT dying, and of being ill, lonely and elderly / vulnerable to uncaring or abusive carers for many years.

I sometimes worry about how my son would cope emotionally if I died sooner rather than later, but as he's going through adolescence that worry gets smaller. I've got life insurance which makes me feel better.

I don't worry unnecessarily about my loved ones dying, even though when my DB died that was a trauma that took a very very long time to heal.

Outnotdown · 14/08/2018 22:44

Indubiousbattle, I'm glad I'm not the only one! Every day, I am aware of mine, and everyone else's mortality. It's just there, in the background. Doesn't stop me living, but when I leave, say, my parents house, it's common for me to to think "hope they don't die before the next time I see them. When I get into the car, I am aware of the possibility that somebody could crash Into me and kill me.

It's not something I've heard anybody else say happens to them but im quite used to it now.
I'm just an odd ball I guess🙄

Original poster
ConfusedWife1234 · 14/08/2018 22:47

@Outnotdown My dh has something similar, like constant fear for his loved ones life, fear of accidentally hurting other people and so on. It is hypervigilance and might be a symptom of ptsd.

OP posts:
WiseUpJanetWeiss · 14/08/2018 22:48

I’ve already lost my parents and sibling, and if anything were to happen to my DD, I would likely take my own life (she has no siblings) as I couldn’t bear anymore loss. Strangely, this brings me a sense of peace

This. When my DH was ill and having major surgery I found that once I realised that I wouldn’t actually be forced to go on living if he died, I was able to live in the present.

Being an atheist also helps me, I think. My oldest friend, a devout Christian, lost a loved family member a while ago and struggled hugely with trying to understand why God had not saved him. Was it because she had not prayed hard enough or her faith was too weak? Was it because her loved one was an atheist? And all of this on top of her grief.

To me, the idea that it’s all random and when you die you are gone is more of a comfort.

NameChanger22 · 14/08/2018 22:49

I think if I had an amazing life I would fear death a lot more and not want it to ever happen. As it is, I'm looking forward to it a bit. I need a rest. I don't have a faith, but I am a tiny bit intrigued, just in case there is something else coming up next. I hope there is, but I highly doubt it.

DownAndUnder · 14/08/2018 22:50

I don’t think about it because it makes me incredibly anxious. I’ve never had a relationship with extended family so my parents death will be my first experience of grief, they are only mid 40s now. I’ve also been irrationally scared I’ll die myself since having DS Blush

Racecardriver · 14/08/2018 22:51

I don't really well on it beyond hoping that the prole I care for don't have the misfortune of losing me while they need me.

Outnotdown · 14/08/2018 22:51

Thanks confused, but I don't have any fear with the awareness, or anxiety or anything. It's just there, like a reminder to me not to get too complacent. It certainly makes me drive safer!

ballsballsballs · 14/08/2018 22:57

I lost my partner less than a month ago. It was an accident. I hadn't considered my own mortality for years until he died.

Now I'm not too worried about the end of my life. Sometimes I go to sleep and wish I could just not wake up. I know that's the grief talking.

I know from bitter experience this will pass over time. But right now I feel like I'm alive for others, not myself.

Original poster
ConfusedWife1234 · 14/08/2018 22:59

That‘s very sad @ballsballsballs.

OP posts:
Original poster
ConfusedWife1234 · 14/08/2018 23:00

And it is only the grief talking, yes, you won‘t listen, will you. @ballsballsballs

OP posts:
ballsballsballs · 14/08/2018 23:05

ConfusedWife I'm not actively suicidal, just feeling flat and sad this evening

Please don't be worried, I'm getting help from good friends and a counsellor and I'm looking after myself. I've been astonished and comforted by how amazing people can be when the shit hits the fan.

noego · 14/08/2018 23:10

You are immortal. A spiritual being having a human experience. When your body ceases to exist you will wake up and realise that this life was all a dream.

Zfactorstar · 15/08/2018 00:03

I fear suffering far more then death. I'm not religious, so the idea of nothingness has an appeal. You just have to accept that there are many things that you can't control, and for the most part when it ends is one of them.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 15/08/2018 00:16

I feel lucky. My DF was a family doctor and a very wise man. He talked a lot about death, both in the context of his work (I had several boyfriends turn funny colours over lunch as he held forth) and philosophically.

His message in essence was that death is the price we pay for life. The important amazing bit isn't that we die but that we were ever alive at all. The total chance of a particular sperm among countless others fertilizing a particular egg - a different sperm and you wouldn't have been born at all.

The other thing I've learned is that grief is the price we pay for love, and that love is worth it.

slyoldfoxystoat · 15/08/2018 00:24

I don't fear death. I do fear dementia etc. This may sound weird but I have never envisioned myself getting old, and since being a teenager, I have always felt that I will succumb to my mental health that I have battled for years, and end it myself.

DSHathawayGivesMeFannyGallops · 15/08/2018 00:27

I'm 28 and excited for life- able bodied, lots to prove, things to do & see. I don't want to die- yet. It's scary in that context. Ask me again at 96 if I'm so lucky and it might be a relief.

People die young, in horrible, sad circumstances or in great pain. I can't answer for that but to say that for some people left behind, they have a fate worse than death.

Twofurrycats · 15/08/2018 00:56

A raw thread for me but a timely one. my mother died a month ago. I knew that she was not going to survive and my worries were as folliws: that she would be in pain (she wasn't. Even in intensive care coming out of sedation she could respond that there was no pain.)
That I would have to watch pre death agitation. Or listen to the death rattle breathing. I didn't and I have done this before.
That I wouldn't be there. Due to the rare nature of the condition my mum was transferred to a hospital an hour plus drive away. There was no way I could be there at short notice. Twice we went in the middle of the night for false alarms. In the end I was there visiting.
So after my incoherent waffle.: death is not a problem but the process can be

Butt0nS3wz · 15/08/2018 01:31

All natural things grow and die like plants, animals, planets, people. There is a cycle of nature