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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wibu to fly home

56 replies

eco1636 · 14/08/2018 21:37

from our family holiday without dh and kids?

Totally gutted and heartbreaking but I can’t see any other way he is being unbearable and we have just told each other we don’t love each other and want to divorce ‘when we get back’.

For background, there has been dv in the past and it’s not the first time we’ve discussed splitting.

I’m just frightened about leaving the kids with him in case he lets them drift out to sea or get kidnapped. They are 7 and 9.

We’ve been away 2 days and he is being so unpleasant and controlling and I just can’t face it. I have absolutely nobody to talk to, no support network and our marriage is such a nightmare.

OP posts:
52FestiveRoad · 14/08/2018 21:39

Can you just take the kids and go home? Would he try and stop you going?

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/08/2018 21:40

Oh god. You poor thing. I’m afraid I do think YWBU to leave your young children with a man you know is violent in a foreign country and go home. But I’d bin the holiday off and go home with them if you can. Leave him there, get home, make your plan to make the split permanent.

Original poster
eco1636 · 14/08/2018 21:42

Really? It’s their Holiday I’ve been bigging them up for it for months.

Also we’re meeting a family friend in a weeks time who lives here and they are dying to see.

OP posts:
52FestiveRoad · 14/08/2018 21:44

But they won't enjoy it if you are not there, surely? I think you either leave with them or suffer through the holiday, but I would not leave the DC with him if there has been DV in the past.

emsiboob · 14/08/2018 21:45

Rightly or wrongly I would stay and play happy families (for the kids) ask him if he's grown enough to do this and then sort formalities when you get home. Sleep in with kids, leave him and his shit atmosphere in the bedroom

Shitonthebloodything · 14/08/2018 21:45

Don't leave. The kids will be so upset and they'll never forget it.

Original poster
eco1636 · 14/08/2018 21:46

He would make them enjoy it, he puts on huge emotional pressure.

I think I’ll have to stay but it’s so toxic, the children are behaving horribly as they can sense the tension. Feel so sick.

OP posts:
Original poster
eco1636 · 14/08/2018 21:47

God I hate him. How can I behave nicely when I feel like this? How do people do it?

OP posts:
RedNed · 14/08/2018 21:49

Don't leave your dc with someone who isn't very nice to them! Either you all go or you stay, make a decision and do it.

Personally I'd take the dc and leave. It won't be much of a holiday for your dc anyway.

Urbanbeetler · 14/08/2018 21:49

I feel so much for you - it sounds horrible. But I do agree that you can’t leave the children as you don’t know how he’ll react. They will feel abandoned.

restingbemusedface · 14/08/2018 21:51

Don’t leave your kids. Take them with you or stay.

Mummyof0ne · 14/08/2018 21:52

I know it will be difficult but you need to suck it up and get on with it. That'll leave a really
Lasting impression on the kids if you leave

Call a truce for the remainder of the holiday, or at l way be courteous and bite your tongue. And just count down the hours

mineofuselessinformation · 14/08/2018 21:53

It's very tough.
I did it when I knew we were breaking up but wanted the dcs to have one last family holiday (stupid me, but having said that, now xh wouldn't leave for three months.)
Can you alter the sleeping arrangements so it's you and one dc, and H with the other?
Focus on the dcs. Be neutral with H and spend as little time on your own with him as you can.
You can have some good times with your dcs. Try to focus on that, but if the thought is unbearable, in your shoes I would take your children home with you if you feel you can't stay.
I truly hope you find a way through it.

52FestiveRoad · 14/08/2018 21:56

He would make them enjoy it, he puts on huge emotional pressure.

But that would be shit for them, to be put under that pressure, and without their Mum there to look out for them.

Loopytiles · 14/08/2018 21:58

Very sorry.

Unless you’re in danger it’d be U to leave, with or without the DC. Perhaps “grey rock technique”?

Is the family friend more your friend, or someone you could take into your confidence, perhaps see early?

Original poster
eco1636 · 14/08/2018 22:01

I basically have no autonomy I can’t make any decisions like to see the person early.
Off to google grey rock....

OP posts:
Dollymixture22 · 14/08/2018 22:03

I think you need to stay for the children. They would always remember you leaving the holiday and might paint their dad as the hero for staying. It could become very confusing for them.

It will suck for you and I’m so sorry you are in this situation. If you trust him with the kids could you take some time each day away from him - go to a spa or for walks etc? Or arrange with him to spend day about with the kids?

whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 · 14/08/2018 22:06

Do not leave without your kids. Absolute no!

It could be twisted, by him, in all kinds of ways. You stay with your children. You show them, and him, they are your priority and that with regards to your children, you are not going anywhere.

Maelstrop · 14/08/2018 22:09

Can you afford another room and just be completely separate til the end of the holiday? Do your own thing with the kids? You poor thing, this sounds really shit.

Original poster
eco1636 · 14/08/2018 22:09

Ok having collected my passport from the car have just told him I’m staying as I need to keep the kids safe and don’t trust him enough.
I hate myself for not leaving when he hit me pregnant 7 years ago.

OP posts:
LadyGAgain · 14/08/2018 22:10

Just come home. With the kids. They want two happy parents. This whole "oh I want them to have a holiday" mentality is so far from what they need. You've acknowledged that they have picked up on the situation. You're their heroine. I suspect he's their hero. Be two happier parents away from each other. That's the baG for them. Good luck. It's not easy but it is the right thing.

Original poster
eco1636 · 14/08/2018 22:11

We’re on a flipping camspite, cheek by jowl.

OP posts:
Dollymixture22 · 14/08/2018 22:13

Ok if he is violent then ignore my suggestion about leaving him with the kids. Either come home with them or stay and try to create as much space as possible. If you think you or they are in any danger go to the police.

Be safe

Original poster
eco1636 · 14/08/2018 22:17

Thanks, I just feel so sorry for these poor loves having such a fuck up of parents

OP posts:
Maelstrop · 14/08/2018 22:19

Can you move to a cheap hotel with the kids? Have you rented a car so you can do days out?