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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wibu to fly home

56 replies

eco1636 · 14/08/2018 21:37

from our family holiday without dh and kids?

Totally gutted and heartbreaking but I can’t see any other way he is being unbearable and we have just told each other we don’t love each other and want to divorce ‘when we get back’.

For background, there has been dv in the past and it’s not the first time we’ve discussed splitting.

I’m just frightened about leaving the kids with him in case he lets them drift out to sea or get kidnapped. They are 7 and 9.

We’ve been away 2 days and he is being so unpleasant and controlling and I just can’t face it. I have absolutely nobody to talk to, no support network and our marriage is such a nightmare.

OP posts:
Tiredperson · 14/08/2018 22:21

You need to stay safe and keep the kids safe.

You are having an emotional reaction to the possibility of your relationship ending. Isn’t that what you want deep down? Can you use this as the time to finally end it?

It’s really, really not easy I know. But is this really the life you want?

Temporarily, just be as neutral and non emotional as possible. Do not feed the drama. Surround you and your kids with activities and around people. Have dinner out. Be careful at night with him, keep safe.

Original poster
eco1636 · 14/08/2018 22:24

I can’t get a separate hotel with the kids he would go mad.
It’s quite complicated because of a health issue I have to have help for a few hours each day whilst I have a rest - otherwise I get very nauseous and unwell.
So in a way, I ‘need’ his help with them. Although when he is at work at its holidays we manage we me taking a short nap on the sofa whilst they sit down for some tv.

OP posts:
Original poster
eco1636 · 14/08/2018 22:25

Should I be having an emotional reaction? He is sitting with a bottle of brandy.

OP posts:
slithytove · 14/08/2018 22:33

Presumably he would go mad if just you left? So, in for a penny, in for a pound.

Do you think you will divorce?

If so, I’d leave and take the kids, they are old enough to know something is going on and to deserve a kid-friendly explanation. What they are seeing and feeling won’t help them.

Is there nowhere else you can go?

Take his passport too

HonkyWonkWoman · 14/08/2018 22:35

If he turn nasty while drinking the brandy can you get some help from security on the camp site?
If he gets even slightly physical with you, get security to ring the Police!
Arsehole!

fruitbrewhaha · 14/08/2018 22:36

I'd find somewhere else for me and the kids to stay. They can watch a bit of TV or similar as you do at home so you can get a rest. Can the family friend you are meeting help in any way? Are they local to the area? Or is there another tent or caravan you can book at the site? Then he can have them for a part of the day for you to rest?
Where are you? maybe someone can offer some practical advice.

biscuitmillionaire · 14/08/2018 22:37

That sounds very difficult for you. Could spend your days separately doing separate activities, and grit your teeth and be busy with the kids in the evenings? Even if it's one of you goes into nearby town while the other hangs out at the campsite for the day. Or for example one of you hires bikes with the kids while the other spends the day resting and reading (you!).

Original poster
eco1636 · 14/08/2018 22:38

We’re not sleeping in the same room it’s ok.

Sadly the kids are used to horrible atmospheres, but I do think this will have to change when we get back I need to get it all stopped.

I want to divorce. I’m scared about money as sahm, he’s a high earner. God been here so many times.

OP posts:
Tiredperson · 14/08/2018 22:38

Of course you’ll be having an emotional reaction, it’s just I’m worried for your safety. Be alert and distant if you can. And calm outwardly if you can.

Tiredperson · 14/08/2018 22:41

And it’s okay it’s common to have ‘been there so many times’. One day soon you will take action.

Can you put this inwardly to increase your resolve. You can take small or big steps. But do take steps. Even just imagining what leaving might entail, how to do it safely, think about it now while you are angry enough.

user1495390685 · 14/08/2018 22:42

Flowers It sounds awful.

Original poster
eco1636 · 14/08/2018 22:45

I’m mainly thinking about custody as we’ve discussed 50/50 before with some ridiculous split that benefits him with having most of the weekend time.
I will remember how I feel as really want to keep this resolve.
Poor dcs, but they deserve better

(As do I)

OP posts:
Cardiganandcuppa · 14/08/2018 22:46

Just act your way through the next fortnight.

Be polite but reserved to him. Put all your energies and attention into the kids.

And make your plan.

Elephant14 · 14/08/2018 22:49

what country are you in, and how long are you due to stay?

Touchmybum · 14/08/2018 22:54

Look, how long have you been living in this horrible situation? Can you stick it for a few more days for your children's sake? Wishing you all the best x

Original poster
eco1636 · 14/08/2018 22:54

In Spain, here for another 10 days or so. I am going to try what cardiganandcuppa says and put all energies into kids

OP posts:
Unescorted · 14/08/2018 22:58

If you don't feel safe and you don't feel your children will be safe if you aren't there then bring all 3 of you home. It is a holiday - at moments of it all going tits up kids feel safer in places they know.

Original poster
eco1636 · 14/08/2018 23:00

Thanks to everyone for the advice

OP posts:
FairiesAndChocolate · 14/08/2018 23:07

Do not leave your kids. It wont be as simple as him handing them back to you. If he refuses he doesnt actually have to give them to you as you left. So you will have to go to court. Would help if you could prove dv.

AcrossthePond55 · 14/08/2018 23:07

Use this thread to vent whilst you're there.

Also, if you can use any 'alone time' to set up solicitor appointment, research getting a new bank account in your name only and directing benefits into it. Do what you can whilst you're there to get things set up for separating when you get home.

Especially researching and scheduling that solicitor. As a SAHM you will need good legal representation. If your STBX is telling you 'we can work out the details together' he's lying.

Italiangreyhound · 14/08/2018 23:10

Good luck, keep talking if it helps.

The kids seem very young for a 50/50 split, especially if your husband is violent and abusive. You can work all this out when home, just get this behind you.

Jb291 · 14/08/2018 23:10

You would be doing both yourself and the children a favour by cutting this horrific holiday short and flying home. Leave him by himself. When you return to the marital home you need to get financial bits and pieces sorted I.e copies of financial statements / accounts and details of mortgage / pensions and wage slips. Make an appointment with a solicitor and discuss a divorce and an occupation order of the marital home if there has been domestic violence and you want to protect yourself and the children.

AnnieAnoniMoose · 14/08/2018 23:22

I’d sneak off home with the kids. They’ll get over a disappointing holiday.

Go home. Be safe. Get important documents out of the house and stored somewhere safe. See a solicitor. Do not allow 50/50 and certainly not to his benefit. Explain he’s abusive.

Be strong, you can do this 🌷

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 14/08/2018 23:24

How long are you supposed to be there for?

If you leave; you need to take them. It may be disappointing for them, but their safety is more important than being on holiday.

redastherose · 14/08/2018 23:34

Since you're stuck there, grey rock is definitely your friend. When he's being a wanker just don't react, at all. If he says something, ignore it, if he starts antagonising you just say I'm going for a walk or whatever and leave, don't give him any reaction it is the absolute best way to deal with abusive pricks like him.