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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to try a relationship again but to never live with someone again?

76 replies

Feedthemachine1 · 14/08/2018 18:05

As above really. I'm a lone father of 4 teenagers/young adults who live with me. I'm nearly 50 and need to look at my future
I m thinking of old ,so should I be upfront on my profile or leave until I've had a few dates and talked about exclusivity?
Any thoughts welcomed.

OP posts:

ifihavetoo · 14/08/2018 19:31

im 35, single mum to 2 young children, been single for quite a few years....i feel the same! I want a long term relationship, to share good times, but not share my house 😀 im quite happy living on my own and couldnt actually imagine someone living in my house. I dont know how it may come across a partner though? i guess it may make them feel slightly uncertain of the relationship stability or wonder what "milestones" would be met then if you didnt want to live with anyone again..so it does need discussing so your on the same page!
my thoughts are (once ive plucked up the courage to try OLD) state the nature of the relationship im looking for (a relaxed, long term relationship) and discuss the future once you start talking and naturally come to the topic!
Good luck with your search x

Original poster

Feedthemachine1 · 14/08/2018 20:01

I suspect it might be best to just put it in my profile and see if I get any responses,as hopefully they might be on the same page .
Hiding it until it may be serious seems wrong to me . Not being honest about it wouldn't be good.

OP posts:

somanymiles · 14/08/2018 20:10

You might feel differently if you met the right person? I say this as a single mum of 3 kids, who is dating at the moment. DP and I have been together for 2 years and no immediate plans to move in but certainly something we talk about as happening in the dim and distant future when youngest (who is 7) is out of the house. I think putting it on your profile will be off putting, but perhaps raise it if things start to get serious with someone - just that you are happy with things the way they are and not in a rush to change them.

ifihavetoo · 14/08/2018 20:35

in my opinion you would never become serious until you had discussed your wants and needs in a relationship anyway? thats why i suggested i would be making my intentions clear when i start chatting to someone. Some of my first questions would lead to discussing what the other person is looking for and visa versa, so its not that your not being honest, your just not starting with a negative on your profile "looking for love, but dont expext to move in with me" 😂
you never know though as said, life changes all the time and maybe one day we will feel different about cohabiting!

Original poster

Feedthemachine1 · 14/08/2018 20:38

To me meeting the right one doesn't come in to it , no matter how things go or with whom ,I've made my decision I won't live with anyone again or share finances have learnt the hard way .
Have to hope someone can live with that .
Maybe I'm better off forgetting the whole thing and staying single,the thought of being a lonely bitter old man doesn't appeal though!

OP posts:

mirrim · 14/08/2018 20:51

I very much doubt I will ever live with anyone other than my daughter. I have no desire to live with her father since he is abusive. This abuse is what has led me to not wanting to live with anyone else either. I cannot trust anyone apart from my immediate family. I miss the things that can come with living together but those things may also be enjoyable on sparing occasions when sleepovers occur. I do not want to relinquish any control over household decisions either, including financial, as I have too learned the hard way. It's a crying shame as I have so much love to give but nobody as a significant other. I don't think I'd put it on a profile but I would discuss it very early doors, casually at first to test the water which would inevitably develop into a serious conversation quite quickly. Good luck. There are people out there with exactly the same ideas so don't be put off because it's not 'the norm' - there's no such thing anyway!

Original poster

Feedthemachine1 · 14/08/2018 20:58

@Mirrim
I wonder if we both feel the same way as we were both abused ? I suffered violence,financial and emotional abuse from my children's mother (before she cheated)
It could be clouding our decisions?

OP posts:

ifihavetoo · 14/08/2018 20:59

dont give up before you even try! i feel the same and wouldnt be offended if i got chatting to you and you mentioned you are happy the way you are and have no plans in changing your living situation. Im more interested in what that person has to offer in terms of companionship. The only thing id say, when discussing why you feel you do not want to live with anyone again is not to come across all bitter and negative about your experience, i give myself the same advice....we dont wabt to come across as bitter old people who cant move on from the past 😂

Remember, there will be plenty of people who have their own properties, situations they they wont want to give up either so theres peopld out there for us both!

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 14/08/2018 21:01

I can't see any harm just being completely honest in your profile and seeing what response you get? I imagine there are many women out there who feel the same way, and wouldn't be put off at all. Just make clear that you are actually looking for a relationship, rather than just no-strings sex, assuming this is the case.

Otherwise you will almost certainly waste time and energy meeting lots of women who are looking for a live in relationship.

Mum2jenny · 14/08/2018 21:05

I'm in a long term relationship but when it ends, I have no intention of living with another person (family members excluded). May consider fwbs but that's all.

Original poster

Feedthemachine1 · 14/08/2018 21:06

I'll have a think on what has been said by the replies so far,thank you!
To me at the moment it's all black and white and non negotiable but I guess I may have mull it over and decide if I can change my mind.
I wonder if rather than having a full relationship ,a friend with benefits situation my be better?
Not quite ready for either just yet though ,have some other things to sort first.

OP posts:

mirrim · 14/08/2018 21:09

I've always been quite quick to move in before now so definitely the abuse has taken its toll and I probably sound like a 'victim' but that's why it is and that's that. I also think having DC has an impact. The way I see it is this is our stable, safe home. I do not want anymore children either (another thing I'd leave off a profile but discuss in person), nor do I want another person living with our family unit. Some people will be relieved and some people will be offended. I look at my home as an investment for my child's future and similarly I wouldn't go sharing out her savings either. To me it makes perfect sense.

Beamur · 14/08/2018 21:13

If I wasn't married, I'd be quite happy to have a relationship with someone but not live together.
But, it's probably better to have an open discussion about this with someone you actually have met and like. Relationships take time to grow.

Rebecca36 · 14/08/2018 21:14

I think it is perfectly reasonable to want a relationship that doesn't involve living together. You'll find several women interested in the same. So go for it.

Original poster

Feedthemachine1 · 14/08/2018 21:15

@mirrim
I guess when you've suffered abuse in a relationship it changes the way you see other people, ?
I realized since I started this thread that I've been single longer than in relationships as an adult ,I wonder if that might be an issue as well ?

OP posts:

HelenaNightSoilCart · 14/08/2018 21:20

You are quite reasonable. I’m 50 and when my divorce is finalised I will be quite happy to have a committed relationship with someone but never live with them. Win win imo - time with partner, time on my own, but no enmeshed circumstances requiring constant compromises.

annandale · 14/08/2018 21:22

This is what I want too - I can't imagine entwining my life with someone else but can imagine seeing someone and having a lot of hot sex Not due to abuse but having been really a carer for Dh for so long, I don't want to be in that situation again, and I never again want to have to put my child's interests second.

Can you put it positively? That you like your family life the way it is but look forward to fun dates and nights out/in?

mirrim · 14/08/2018 21:28

I'm the opposite. I'm nearly 40 and this is the longest I've lived alone (with my daughter though but you see what I mean!) I've gone from relationship to relationship, 2 serious, 1 semi serious, living with all 3 and before that was in my loving family home. I just think it's the abuse to be honest, and in my case an obvious lack of ability to choose a man capable of treating me on par with how I treat him. I've lost trust in every one including myself it would seem. I probably sound bitter but I'm not at all, it's just how things have turned out and I've never been happier so why upset the apple cart is my philosophy.

Original poster

Feedthemachine1 · 14/08/2018 21:29

@Annandale
The last part of your post seems to have nailed it!
I know my family dynamic will change as all my children will be adults in the next 3years and have their own lives and I may end up with them all gone and be alone so this house will be far to big if/when it happens .
If I'm with someone by then I may think about things differently ,I guess I just can't see it at the moment .

OP posts:

Original poster

Feedthemachine1 · 14/08/2018 21:32

@mirrim
I found myself nodding in total agreement with you're last post ,totally understand and I have the same trust issues and have lost all my self esteem.

OP posts:

katielouise3 · 14/08/2018 21:39

Yeah be honest!

I am married, but if me and DH split, and I was on the hunt for another man, I would be MORE than happy to not live with him. In fact, I would insist on it.

To be frank, you sound really nice, and I don't think you will have a problem finding someone. Good luck!!!

mirrim · 14/08/2018 21:40

Well don't beat yourself up about it. At the moment I would only be interested in friendships and if it developed then great but I'm certainly not ready to let anyone in fully. Unfortunately I'm finding that men just aren't interested in investing time into a friendship that may or may not go anywhere. I feel it most around this time of night when LO is in bed and I'm alone on the sofa. Finding out what you enjoy I think is key so you will never NEED someone. I dread the day my LO flies the nest and leaves me 😱 but for now time is precious and to be fully enjoyed! I have no doubt you will find a lovely lady to while away the time with in your own NORMAL way 😊

Original poster

Feedthemachine1 · 14/08/2018 22:11

Not sure how normal I am ,but that's a whole new thread!
I'm glad to know there are others who feel the same , thought it was just me to be honest!
Thanks to all who have replied so far ,gives me hope that I might find someone who may want the same thing .

OP posts:

JustBeingJobless · 14/08/2018 22:28

Ive just turned 40 and been on my own, with my son, for several years now, and the thought of sharing my living space with anyone ever again makes me shudder, however, I’m not sure I want to be dingle forever and sometimes I’d quite like a bit of adult company. If I saw a dating profile saying the same, I’d breathe a sigh if relief if I’m honest!

JustBeingJobless · 14/08/2018 22:29

Dingle??? Obviously that should be single

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