Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To want to try a relationship again but to never live with someone again?

76 replies

Feedthemachine1 · 14/08/2018 18:05

As above really. I'm a lone father of 4 teenagers/young adults who live with me. I'm nearly 50 and need to look at my future
I m thinking of old ,so should I be upfront on my profile or leave until I've had a few dates and talked about exclusivity?
Any thoughts welcomed.

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 15/08/2018 12:58

I would welcome an honest profile.
I'm nearly 50 and think exactly the same as you do.
I love my own space.
My tidy, clean house and I do not want another male living in it.
Dating is great but I don't want to live with someone.

JacquesHammer · 15/08/2018 12:59

I feel exactly the same OP.

I will never have a full on relationship with anyone again.

LadyRochfordsHoickedGusset · 15/08/2018 13:29

Op I feel exactly the same. There are other people out there who feel the same as you. Often divorced/separated/split up and have learnt the hard way but still want emotional closeness. Totally get it.

noego · 15/08/2018 14:53

What's not to like about this life style? I cannot think of one negative?

Freshstart19 · 15/08/2018 15:02

I'm 30 been in two abusive relationships currently leaving my current one and feel exactly the same. I also have 4 kids so couldn't bare the thought of starting q relationship and living with anyone again.
I'd rather live alone and have my own space!
Actually I don't have time to date what am I thinking

Original poster

Feedthemachine1 · 16/08/2018 13:25

Thanx to all those who replied!
After thinking about it I browsed a couple of old's and realized a couple of things.
After being single for five years I may not be ready to try again.
I couldn't find a woman's profile that didn't throw up something I didn't like ,maybe I'm just to choosy,or have unrealistic expectations.?

OP posts:

Freshstart19 · 16/08/2018 14:04

Or maybe your standards are just higher and you know now what you are worth. Any less is pointless.

hellsbellsmelons · 16/08/2018 14:27

I'm choosy too.
I couldn't tell you the last time I 'swiped right'
I have expectations and they are high.
I have standards.
I will not compromise on those.
When it's right it will be right.
Until then, I'm totally happy being single!
Give it a go.
You never know!

ComtesseDeSpair · 16/08/2018 14:46

I really don’t think this is that uncommon, particularly among people who don’t want children, have grown children or already have all the children they want and therefore don’t need a settled family home for that purpose. If you’re looking for women around your age, I think there’s every chance they’ll be looking for something similar to you.

I have no intention of living with a partner again and have lots of friends, male and female (and we’re all early thirties to mid forties), who feel likewise. Nothing to do with past abuse or bad experiences - just why try to change a situation that works well for you already?

I wouldn’t, therefore, necessarily have a problem with seeing this on somebody’s profile. However, you have to be careful about how you word it. Personally, I avoid men whose profiles make them seem very negative and as though they think of themselves as a victim - so “it’s important you know I never want to share a house with a partner as I have been hurt so badly in the past” would put me off whereas “I have everything in my life just the way I like it and am looking for the sort of relationship where we maintain our own homes and lives” would be fine. JMO.

Original poster

Feedthemachine1 · 16/08/2018 14:59

It may be that I have a high standard of what I want that's unattainable?
I sometimes feel this is because I don't have what a partner would want , (whole new thread would be needed)! Low self-esteem I guess ,also feel my interests are not the same as the majority of people which puts me off trying !
Guess I need to toughen up and try as I'm willing out at the moment.

OP posts:

Original poster

Feedthemachine1 · 16/08/2018 15:01

Wimping out , blooming typo

OP posts:

ComtesseDeSpair · 16/08/2018 15:08

High standards are good - decent people are attracted to high standards. Likewise interests - unless we’re talking really niche and weird, there will be a) other people who share your interests and b) people who have their own interests and are quite happy to accommodate you doing yours whilst they do theirs - particularly in a dynamic where the goal isn’t to spend your every waking moment together.

Low self-esteem isn’t a great place to start dating from, though. Even though you say you have high standards, if you don’t feel confident about yourself or don’t feel that you’re “worth” a nice partner and a good relationship, you’re more likely to overlook genuine people and settle for something that isn’t right.

annandale · 16/08/2018 15:09

The great thing about living separately is that it should be much easier to maintain separate interests. Of course there needs to be something you like doing together but it could probably just be sex and you need to enjoy each others' company, but honestly I wouldn't inflict my ideal day of gym, contemporary art, country walk ending with experimental theatre or Tom Cruise movie, interspersed with fluid chats with random friends, Test Match Special and as few meals as possible, on anyone else. Nor do I expect to ever have to have the Grand Prix on in my house again.

friendlymum67 · 16/08/2018 15:14

OP, your post made me feel so much better and 'normal'! I'm divorced, been living on my own with 2 children for 14 years. For 10 of those, l have been in a relationship, but l have no desire to live with him.

Maybe l'm selfish, my friends are always asking when we will move in together 🙄 But l'm happy as l am!

Reading other posts it seems it's not as unusual as you may think!

Good luck with whatever happens!

ComtesseDeSpair · 16/08/2018 15:20

Agree with annandale. I think that as a society, our expectations of relationships have changed and continue to change beyond the traditional “relationship escalator” model (meet, date, spend increasing amounts of time together, move in together, do virtually everything together, get married) that most of us were brought up with. Right enough I’m speaking for my age group and demographic (30s and 40s, child-free, London-based) but it seems not only entirely acceptable but actually more or less expected that a couple will maintain their own lives, holiday separately, have different interests and hobbies and rely on a wide group of friends for entertainment and company rather than spend all their time together as a couple doing the exact same things.

Original poster

Feedthemachine1 · 16/08/2018 15:25

My low self-esteem/self confidence ,I've had since I was a child so changing that may be impossible now?
I may be viewing relationships in an old fashioned way ,guess I'm not up with modern times !
I now feel even more unsure and confused ! Hmmm!

OP posts:

mirrim · 16/08/2018 22:20

I wouldn't expect to see a profile on the first or even fifth occasion that grabs your attention to be honest. It took me a good few months to really like what I seen in a profile in just the same way when I used to go out with my friends I didn't meet Mr. Right at first (or indeed EVER!). I'd recommend getting chatting with people on there just to get a feel for how things are done and you never know! My friend has just married a guy who's profile she accidentally messaged.

Original poster

Feedthemachine1 · 16/08/2018 22:27

I have done old before and was with someone for a couple of years and it fell apart, so I do know how it works , but this time ,for some reason ,it doesn't feel right
Can't really explain except to say no photo or profile seemed to raise any interest,it all seemed a bit "bland"?

OP posts:

Crumblevision · 16/08/2018 22:54

Have PM'd you OP.

MistressDeeCee · 16/08/2018 23:12

YANBU

I live with DCs in their 20s. OH lives with his 18 year old DS. Been with OH 5 years, we live 20 minutes apart, neither of us have ever broached the living together thing.

I like living with my DCs. I see OH 3 times weekly, we have a good relationship and social life. Our DCs are at an age where they're barely at home anyway so we get alone time together.

I do not want to or feel the need to live with a man 24/7. I was married previously so, been there done that. It's nice looking forward to seeing OH when I've not seen him for a few days.

I know my family dynamic will change as all my children will be adults in the next 3years and have their own lives and I may end up with them all gone and be alone so this house will be far to big if/when it happens .

^Yep. Similar thoughts re future but will think about that later down the line. Relationship suits us both as it is.

NotTheWayISeeIt · 18/08/2018 09:05

I think thee must be a lot of people who would prefer a relationship where you just dated rather than live together. Especially as you get older.

Justanotheruser01 · 18/08/2018 09:34

This has been my auntie for the last 15 years from similar age , she came from an abusive physically and financially abusive marriage, she met a lovely man and they have a beautiful relationship even got engaged they spend lovely days together holidays etc and go to events but she has her own home he would love to live with her but is happy that she needs to keep her own home.

Sweetandkind · 18/08/2018 09:52

Unfortunately, low self esteem tends to attract people that abuse the 'weak' boundaries that go hand in hand with self esteem issues. It would be best to work on that first. Definately not too late to do that, especially with EMDR!

MonoClue · 18/08/2018 09:53

I’m 52 and I’ve been single for 10 years now. I can’t see me ever being in a relationship again. But I certainly wouldn’t be living with anyone again.

crimsonlake · 18/08/2018 10:06

I think you are over thinking the whole thing. Put yourself on OLD and give it a go, it takes a lot of time to find the right person so you might as well start browsing now. No need to write your life story and go in to too much detail about what you want. Concentrate more on what you have to offer a person....

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread