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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to try a relationship again but to never live with someone again?

76 replies

Feedthemachine1 · 14/08/2018 18:05

As above really. I'm a lone father of 4 teenagers/young adults who live with me. I'm nearly 50 and need to look at my future
I m thinking of old ,so should I be upfront on my profile or leave until I've had a few dates and talked about exclusivity?
Any thoughts welcomed.

OP posts:
Original poster
Feedthemachine1 · 14/08/2018 22:56

Have to admit I giggled at the typo!
I guess there are some women out there who would be more interested if I did put it in my profile ?
Now even more confused!

OP posts:
JaceLancs · 14/08/2018 22:57

I too would breathe a sigh of relief if I read this on someone’s profile
Most men I’ve met on OLD want to move in with me/be looked after by me/want to share my financial security etc
What I have was hard won, I’m used to my own space and my DC will always come first
I want someone to complement and enhance my life and for me that means probably not living together or friends with benefits

RealSLOAH · 14/08/2018 22:58

If I may, I will say you’re in good company. You’re certainly not alone. I’m not even sure I’d be willing to date again. Everything else is broadly the same as you. It’s not worth the risk. x

Original poster
Feedthemachine1 · 14/08/2018 23:01

What's the consensus ? I put it in my profile or leave it out ,until it goes from dating to more serious?
Confused !

OP posts:
FermatsTheorem · 14/08/2018 23:04

I agree with a PP - the trick is to spin it positively. That you are looking for emotional closeness as well as sex, just not a live in relationship. I think you might get more takers than you think.

(If I was in the market, it's the sort of thing I'd be interested in. I like my independence, and frankly, at my age, with my mortgage almost paid off, I don't want a bloke getting a claim on my house and pension as I age, or eating into my son's inheritance. But I would still quite like affection, regular sex and someone to be emotionally close to in an arms-length sort of way.)

RealSLOAH · 14/08/2018 23:10

Whatever you say, just be very clear about it. Honesty is an attractive quality. Personally, I’d rate honesty and kindness above appearance. Experience is a harsh teacher. x

Flipflop789 · 14/08/2018 23:17

I feel the same...single and would date again but dont ever want to live with a partner just my kids! Also my DGF has been with his partner for well over 30years and they still live apart! It works for them!

noego · 14/08/2018 23:20

You'll be surprised at how many people want this kind of arrangement.
My relationships are all based on this. Always up front. Always authentic. Take it or leave it.

The good news................it works extremely well.

Birdsgottafly · 14/08/2018 23:53

Don't put it on your profile.

I'm 50, I was Widowed, I will never live with someone again and tbh, it keeps the relationship alive, you have to make time for each other and it's a proper date.

No taking each other for granted, slobbing around etc.

Most Women in our age group that I speak to aren't bothered about living together. It's Men who seem to want that more.

Just remember that dating should be fun, if it isn't fun, don't continue with it.

Birdsgottafly · 14/08/2018 23:56

Just to add, I was in two relationships, for between four-six years, we had the conversation about were we saw it going, when we were declaring ourselves exclusive etc and that's when we discussed it.

Makesmilingyourbesthobby · 15/08/2018 00:00

I'm a single mum in my 30s & made the choice a few years back that yes when the time was right I'd like to meet someone again but I never want to live with anyone again numerous reasons but I just know I never will, never been abused as such in a relationship if that helps

Makesmilingyourbesthobby · 15/08/2018 00:06

As for putting it on no I wouldn't I'd leave it till second date i think, a relationship today doesn't always amount to getting married having children moving in together today we are all well aware that there are many different types of relationships & going into a first date is when you typically discuss each other's lives and wants etc

donajimena · 15/08/2018 00:09

I'm in a LTR. No abuse. Very happy. Not living together because of childrens ages but as they grow older I'm dreading the thought of sharing my space. Its the little things.. you see in dating profiles how people are looking to snuggle up on the sofa with someone.. well I can't see anyone wanting to do what I do which is not bother watching TV for months (I prefer books) then deciding to watch all 3 Seasons of Broadchurch in two days.
I get up early. He doesn't. I like to sleep with the curtains open. He doesn't. I hate a tv in the bedroom..
I am happy to compromise but more than one night and I feel stifled. I don't think its that we aren't compatible. If we didn't disagree on these points it would be something else.
I just prefer my time spent with people to mean something.

Original poster
Feedthemachine1 · 15/08/2018 00:12

Seems to be split as to whether to or not ,have to think about what I feel is best!
Thanks for all you're comments so far x

OP posts:
VanGoghsDog · 15/08/2018 00:16

Also 50 and never want to live with anyone again. I value my independence too much.

unexpectednewstart · 15/08/2018 00:21

It is entirely reasonable to be looking for that and I know couples in strong relationships who don't live together, presumably due to their previous experiences. I wouldn't put it on your profile though, it might be misinterpreted as you only looking for a fling. The right person for you will understand. Good luck!

Blobby10 · 15/08/2018 01:07

After my divorce I decided I never wanted to live with another man- I didn’t put it in my OLD profile but was lucky enough to date someone who felt exactly the same afternhis divorce! We have been together 18 months now x

Don’t overthink the OLD profile- be honest not dont Make the mistake of telling th other person everything on the first date!

HollyWoods8224 · 15/08/2018 02:04

My grandmother was much the same (after a couple of husbands) she’s been quite content living on her own for as long as I can remember (so since 50s ish). She’s had a couple of long term companions, they would spend the occasional week at each other’s houses, go away on holidays and cruises together - they had a frickin blast!
I think you might be surprised at the number of people in a similar situation who want a relationship while keeping their independence.

NotWeavingButDarning · 15/08/2018 02:59

I feel the same. I'm 46 with 2 DC and would like a relationship, but don't want to live with anyone again.

Maybe a military person who's gone most of the time? 😂

Rebecca36 · 15/08/2018 03:27

NotWeavingButDarning - if you were in a relationship with a military person they would still be at home with you for considerable periods so you"d be living with them!

I think the ideal relationship would be two people enjoying eachother's company and all that entails but each having their own home.
Sheer bliss.

KC225 · 15/08/2018 05:31

My brother is in a relationship with a woman who had two bad marriages and three children. My brother never wanted children and never married. His girlfriend was adamant she didn't want to live with anyone again. My brother never questioned it. Her children are grown up now and left home.

The two of them go on wonderful holidays, trips and weekends away. They eat out a lot and have both taken up walking (miles and miles) to get fit. They stay at each others place but don't live together. She has moved to be nearer him and her elderly parents but they still keep separate places. They have been together for years. It works for them.

Bineverywhere · 15/08/2018 05:52

Notweaving - my happiest friends are those whose husband's work on the rigs. Gone for weeks at a time with plenty of cash coming in.

I'm late 49s with youngish children. I simply don't trust men anymore. All my LTRs have been abusive in some form or another. I currently have the most lovely housing association house and I'm not giving that up for anyone. I live odd hours, have compromising hobbies and feel better on my own. Somehow I always become diminished within a relationship.

Plus at my age, any man I take up with is likely to have children of his own which leaves us all on a sticky wicket long-term in mind of inheritance issues.

In an ideal world he'd be a gazillionaire to see us all right and we'd live in a big country house with separate wings and meet up in the dining room every Sunday for brunch. Grin

Like I say - I'm not risking the security of my house and stability of my children for anyone.

Original poster
Feedthemachine1 · 15/08/2018 12:27

Having thought about it overnight ,I will probably not put it in my profile ,but be honest about it if I get serious with someone.
Thanx for your replies x

OP posts:
ThisIsntMeHonestGuv · 15/08/2018 12:42

I feel exactly the same way. Mid 40's, kids at uni. There were huge issues in my past relationship too.

And although I would quite like to be with someone (that has their own house), I'm very much enjoying my new found freedom and I'm more interested in going travelling and developing my business.

rainingcatsanddog · 15/08/2018 12:54

Sounds like the sort of arrangement that would appeal to me too. My children don't need or want a stepfather and I'm not looking to be a stepmother either. (Happy to meet and hang out with partner's kids like an adult friend)
Separate finances and houses would be a must for future relationships too.