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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to give up 'good' career which causes me stress and to be unwell?

104 replies

grabbinglife1123 · 14/08/2018 08:28

Anyone here ever had a 'good' career (the type that is very impressive, has involved lots of training, and has potential great earnings) but been unhappy and given it up in the hope of happiness and not living in a constant state of anxiety?

It's the kind of career that is your whole identity rather than a job, so to leave feels really daunting and I know my whole family will be shocked.

I don't want to look back in 30 years and realise that all the stress, sleepless nights and bullshit wasn't worth having the fancy job title. I'm young enough that I can make something in a different sector (I hope, have no idea what it would be) if I start preparing now

I think I need to take the 'risk' and put my own happiness and wellbeing first. It will likely involve a decent pay cut as I'm not really qualified for anything else so will likely take a random job in the first instance to give myself room to think. I'm hoping that at some point I will be able to find a decent job in a related field, but it might take some time.

Sorry about the vagueness. I think it's possibly guessable what career I'm talking about but if I write it in as many words, I'm worried the DM will stick their nose in or something Envy

Life is too short right?? I'm just hoping to hear from others who have risked it and it was worth it

OP posts:
TheThirdOfHerName · 17/08/2018 16:43

I went to a talk by Adam Kay recently (I remember listening to Amateur Transplants); listening to him speak I started feeling anxious and tearful.
It's been nearly 20 years and I still can't watch programmes about junior doctors. That's what it did to me.

AssumethePerpendicular · 17/08/2018 16:51

I think Nordic sums it up beautifully.
I’ve always thought it will get better at the next stage....I’ve been qualified 11 years and 18/12 off CCT and I still don’t want to do it anymore.
Medic footprints website/Facebook is helpful for alternative options.
Good luck in whatever you decide, I’ve never been brave enough to leave for reasons you listed.

TurnipCake · 17/08/2018 16:56

Can also recommend the Doc2Doc service by the BMA. Talking to someone there has helped immensely

I’ve always thought it will get better at the next stage

This. Once I stepped up onto the Reg rota, the anxiety hit me in a way I didn't think was possible

CautiousPenguin · 17/08/2018 16:58

Completely empathise, having been in a similar situation. Especially remember thinking about how I could seriously injure myself to avoid going in. I also worried hugely about what people would think. Having left the clinical side of medicine I feel hugely relieved and know it was the right decision. Won’t say much more about what I do now as could be outing but, have you considered public health?

CautiousPenguin · 17/08/2018 16:59

About what people would think if I left I mean

ChasedByBees · 17/08/2018 16:59

Is a career break an option? It might give you some breathing room to think.

Original poster
grabbinglife1123 · 17/08/2018 17:02

During a particularly difficult time at work a few months back I was taken aside by several very senior consultants to discuss my issues. I told them how much this job was affecting my life and harming my health- their response?! To explain how during their careers that between them they had times when the job made them nearly commit suicide, where they developed eating disordered, regular panic attack on shifts... I think this was supposed to encourage me that how I was feeling was normal?? That it's normal to have such significant mental ill health from the job??

That was really one of the defining moments for me where I realised how much the job can make you lose sight of reality, and that there was no way I ever want to think that that is normal work stress.

OP posts:
hilbobaggins · 17/08/2018 17:04

Become an HE careers adviser. We’ve picked up quite a few unhappy medics and lawyers during the time I’ve been there. It’s a fabulous job, really satisfying and decently paid, and you could fit right in careers coaching medics! I’ve built up a private coaching practice along the way on the side so possible to make a nice income. My organisation trains on the job, pays for your qualification and always welcomes people with science backgrounds. We’re recruiting at the moment! PM me if interested.

TheThirdOfHerName · 17/08/2018 17:09

To explain how during their careers that between them they had times when the job made them nearly commit suicide, where they developed eating disordered, regular panic attack on shifts.

There's a sort of in-the-trenches mentality where it's almost seen as moral failing / culturally unacceptable if you want to leave.

TheThirdOfHerName · 17/08/2018 17:10

But fuck that for a game of skittles. Look after yourself, leave if you need to.

DurdleNerdle · 17/08/2018 17:15

Yes, I did. I was an optometrist for a number of years, and whilst it isn't on quite the same level as doctors or many other jobs, I did find it incredibly stressful for various reasons. So I quit. However, my life circumstances changed quite dramatically over the subsequent few years (two children, two international moves with OH's job, various house moves and renovations, health and family difficulties), so the stress unfortunately came at me from different directions. I never really addressed the anxiety/stress itself, which left me in a pretty bad way. Fortunately, things then changed for the better and I am starting to manage the anxiety to the point that most days I am fine.

I am now retraining for a career in something much more desk-based (bookkeeping/accounting), and I am looking forwards to setting up my own (very) small business doing the books for local sole trader and small family businesses. I will just take on the work I want, fit it in around the kids and other things, and will make sure that I keep on top of my anxiety by making enough time to exercise, meditate and look after myself! I am much more involved in things in our village/with the kids school too, which has given me a huge sense of accomplishment, much more than my original job did.

JayDot500 · 17/08/2018 17:15

Epidemiology? Less stressful but still related to your training.

CautiousPenguin · 17/08/2018 17:20

Just to add pm me if you want to hear more about public health as an option

CaptainCucumber · 17/08/2018 17:23

I knew this would be medicine by the OP!

It’s shit. Truly shit. There’s a culture of self sacrifice and responsibility taking like no other job. I get irate with people in my personal life who don’t take responsibility for anything, thinking ‘do you know how much is on my shoulders on any given day?!?!’

Also get furious at the doctor/midwife bashing that goes on here, I’m always one of the first to roll my sleeves up and get stuck in to a rude/entitled anti- NHS poster.

Public health? It’s none clinical and an interesting and varied job. I think it’s office based, so no chasing after Joe Bloggs shoe rang up saying he had crippling chest pain then hung up and turned his phone off, who then turns out to have been drunk and had indigestion....

Didiplanthis · 17/08/2018 17:33

I know it doesn't help but it makes me feel better for being one of many feeling like this. In RL you put on the brave face - when you walk in with a breezy good morning no one knows you've been awake since 4 sweating and vomiting, when you wave bye from your desk at 7pm knowing you've got another 3 hours paper work to do and knowing you'll drive home in tears.. again...too tired to think. And then do it all over again. For years.... don't let this be your life too. You won't hear these stories in the surgeries and on the wards. Everyone is getting on with the job and pretending it's ok. Clearly from the responses on here - it's not really.

Johnnyfinland · 17/08/2018 17:38

YANBU. I left what I thought was my dream job (nothing medical or remotely related to yours), I was self employed and on paper it sounded very glamorous but the isolation of freelancing and uncertainty over when I’d be paid, not to mention wider issues in the industry and the fact I’d just lost interest in the subject all combined to make me suicidal. I’m much happier now in a salaried role which is less challenging but it’s invaluable for me to have time to chill outside of work

prettygreywalls · 17/08/2018 17:54

Yes !

like you my career was my whole life , a way of life and I lived and breathed it for many years . Then down the line realised it just didn't work for me anymore , didn't allow for me to have any time away , always, always on the job, completely tied to working ( my own boss and workaholic but the sort of work load you couldn't just fob off onto others anyway ) fell out of love with my career , I grew resentful , hated most of my week , dreaded certain days , became very depressed and unable to see a way out , felt totally used by so called friends who wanted me to continue ( in hindsight for their benefit - certainly not mine ) when I finally made the move away people said oh you were so good , what a waste , erm no now I have a life work balance , enjoy day to day stuff , actually have time to travel a little , have a home life and relationship quality time and most of all I'm happy .

Soon answer to your question , make lots of positive plans , put wheels in motion , look to the future , be brave and most of all be happy

BloodyDisgrace · 17/08/2018 18:04

If it causes you stress and anxiety it is your duty to yourself to end this sort of erm... self-harm. No family/kids should be the reason to live like that. I once heard a radio programme where a therapist was talking about how some of her patients admit to "crying themselves to sleep" each night and felt huge sympathy for them. It's not worth it.

No, I have no idea what your career is. Bit good luck changing your path.

Roselind · 17/08/2018 18:23

Could you afford to leave and then take 6 months out to reflect on your options & research what else you could do? (3 is probably not long enough).
I did not realise until I left my last job just how physically ill it was making me. I did reduce my hours but that doesn't change the fundamentals of a job that is not working for you. The job in question was one I had long identified as my "dream job" as well. Hence why time out can help focus on what really matters to you in a job.

CSIblonde · 17/08/2018 18:55

A jobs not worth it if it makes you ill or miserable. I retrained, haven't regretted it. I wouldn't take a random job while you think though. Why waste time & complicate things with a stop gap that isn't you either? Think & plan now while you're on decent money. There are so ways to retrain while you work & get bursaries or career redevelopment loans. Or study full time if you can afford to. I know a few Dr's who have gone into research & private Psychotherapy: which pays well for way less hours if you do it in London. They also have sideline 'deals' with large London firms who offer employees subsidised therapy. Still medical but way less stressful.

Maverick66 · 17/08/2018 19:09

Hi OP

I truly sympathise with you.

To be in your profession you have probably always been a high achiever academically and therefore, most likely, certain expectations were put upon you.

DD was a high achiever and wanted to please her family, teachers and peers. She pushed herself and now has good job in a much sought after role but she has been systematically bullied for past 3 years. Things came to a head and she just could not take it anymore. It broke my heart to advise her to leave her highly paid job and look at other options but her mental health is more if a priority than climbing the pay scale/career ladder and perhaps a break from the stress will help her to see things more clearly.

Yes people will be surprised at first, but, they are not you. They are not dealing with the daily stresses you are facing. The hardest part is making the decision to leave. My advice would be to get all your ducks in a row. Look around at what is available and what you might be interested in, take a deep breath, and go for it. WineThanks

knottybeams · 17/08/2018 19:14

Please speak out

Your consultant/educational supervisor/tpd/postgrad Centre admin people/safehouse/if you're in Somerset that bolshy reg who's just back from mat leave and won't shut up Wink
Do not let these feelings fester. Pm me if I can help.

vitaminC · 17/08/2018 19:30

Can you look into doing an MBA or an MSc in marketing? There are lots of opportunities in the pharmaceutical or medical device industries.
I'll PM you.

spinduffy · 17/08/2018 19:35

My house man year nearly broke me. I ended up on antidepressants and sleeping tablets and felt shockingly guilty for taking 3 days off work when I was at breaking point.

I vowed that I would never work in an acute ward again and explored retraining in teaching. Anyway I decided to explore my options (I was the last of the non run through trainees) and I did pathology for 6 months which was too dull for me, but much less stressful. I then did 6 months psychiatry and loved it. I realised how many different sub specialties there are and how many of them could go hand in hand with a normal life. I now love my job, but I know it’s not for everyone. Just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone and there are many more lifestyle friendly choices in medicine.x

LokiBear · 17/08/2018 19:40

My dad almost died of sepsis on Tuesday. He went into work on Monday because they 'needed' him. He was recieving phonecalls as they carted him off in the ambulence. He is an engineer but his experience and training make him a specialist in his field. He works 6 days a week, puts in 18 hour days at times. He feels the pressure of being important and he has put his job first at a massive cost. My advice would be to look for something else. Take the paycut and enjoy your life

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