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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD wants bf to stay over

75 replies

Anonymousmumforlyfe · 14/08/2018 01:36

DD is 15 and wants bf to stay over she’s trying 16 soon and he is 16 next month. Should I let them stay in seperate rooms? Thoughts?

OP posts:
nibblingandbiting · 14/08/2018 01:42

For him to stay over it depends how long they have been in a relationship. That would be my starting point before thinking about logistics.
That's what I did with mine and it worked. If a few weeks/months then no. Several months then yes and separate rooms.
Also used it as a way to remind them about safe sex, consent etc.

Original poster
Anonymousmumforlyfe · 14/08/2018 01:46

They’ve been together for several months and he seems to care very deeply for her. Considering wether i should talk to his parents and see what they think

OP posts:
nibblingandbiting · 14/08/2018 01:49

also, do that and let them know separate rooms
It was probably easier for me because I have sleep issues so they would have had to wait a long time for me to sleep

Original poster
Anonymousmumforlyfe · 14/08/2018 01:51

Should I be worried about what they are getting up to?

OP posts:
NadiaLeon · 14/08/2018 01:54

Not worried per se, but you'd be naive to think that they weren't behaving sexually with each other...

Original poster
Anonymousmumforlyfe · 14/08/2018 01:56

I have a gut feeling she might have slept with him and I think I need to discuss it with her. Although she is a strong independent very mature for her age 15 year old I think it would be the right thing to do to discuss protection and consent with her

OP posts:
NadiaLeon · 14/08/2018 02:14

Not sure why you need to discuss consent because bf Sounds a good egg. I doubt he forced her. Definitely discuss contraception though. Mistakes happen to mature and sensible girls as well as silly ones.

Butterflycookie · 14/08/2018 02:31

Definitely would not allow this. But every family is different

Aquamarine1029 · 14/08/2018 03:09

If him staying over makes you feel uncomfortable, then the answer is NO. Having rules and boundaries won't hurt your daughter. Your house, your rules. Don't be a milquetoast.

Zoflorabore · 14/08/2018 03:41

I wouldn't and I'm very easygoing.
I also have a 15yr old son.

Whilst we have no subject off limits and he talks to me about everything ( more than his dad ) I wouldn't allow it as the expectation is there that it's ok. I wouldn't feel right knowing that once I was asleep, they could be sneaking around in the night.

If they are in separate rooms then why just not go home?

My ds hasn't got a girlfriend yet and I'm hoping he doesn't until after year 11 exams! ( wishful thinking ) but he won't be allowed to have one stay here at 16.
I have a dd who is 7 too so maybe that influences my decision.

So whilst he has lots of freedom in other ways (travelled to a football match 80 miles away on Saturday alone) so I'm not mollycoddling him or anything, this is one scenario when I would say no way.
I remember what 16 year old boys and girls are like.

GnomeDePlume · 14/08/2018 04:16

Definitely have a lot of conversations with DD about safer sex and contraception. This NHS information on effectiveness comparing perfect use with typical use could be a good starting point:

www.nhs.uk/conditions/contraception/how-effective-contraception/

IME the information given during PSHE lessons tended to focus on 'perfect use' too much.

The message to get through is that the 18% typical use failure rate of condoms means that nearly 1 in 5 women or girls using condoms as their chosen method of contraception will get 100% pregnant. The same message needs to be given to men and boys.

HollyWoods8224 · 14/08/2018 04:46

If you're not comfortable with it then no.
If you are comfortable with it, and so are his parents, then you can talk more with your daughter about what she would like, what her expectations are.

My step mother had always just said she would prefer to know before rather than after, and I respected that and when i was 15 I openly talked to her about thinking about becoming active - she made sure I was safe, knew my options etc, not pressured and in turn respected me enough to make that decision for myself when i wanted to.
My bf's sleepovers were treated no differently to if it were just a friend sleeping over.

I think that being able to say yes on my own terms, knowing i had my parents as safety net also gave me the confidence in myself to say no when I wasn't OK in later relationships.

Its not a situation that would work for everyone, and its not one a lot of parents would be comfortable with (i'm not sure if the step parent thing made it different) but it worked really well for us.

BrynhildurWhitemane · 14/08/2018 05:01

DD is 18, we have a good relationship, and BF has stopped over. He's been a pleasant guest, even washing pots. I've no worries.

Original poster
Anonymousmumforlyfe · 14/08/2018 09:57

Thank you everyone for the advice going to try to speak to her today however I’m wondering if it would be more sensible for DH to talk to her because they have a great relationship where as I’m don’t rlly have as strong as a connection

OP posts:
cheesefield · 14/08/2018 10:00

I would allow it tbh. They're only going to shag in fields/mates houses otherwise.

Have you had a good chat about respect and contraception? I'd be recommending the implant.

CherryChatsworth · 14/08/2018 10:03

Not a chance would I allow this. I allow it very occasionally now when she's back from uni and my daughter is 20

It's your house so you get to decide, I wouldn't feel comfortable given her age

Annalogy · 14/08/2018 10:05

I think you should clear it with the BF's parents as well before you allow anything.

It is still very young, but I agree that they'll find other places to get jiggy if they want to.

Also I'd recommend the implant as opposed to the pill. It'll give you more peace of mind as you know that she can't forget to take it everyday Smile

Original poster
Anonymousmumforlyfe · 14/08/2018 10:09

His parents are lovely people and my dh gets on particularly well with them so will probably ask them on there opinion to do with the staying over however I’m concerned it might be a breach of privacy if I mention the sex as DD’s bf doesn’t have the best relationship with them. Could anyone give me a personal opinion on the implant and how that’s worked for them

OP posts:
crimsonlake · 14/08/2018 10:14

15 yrs almost 16 yrs old ? It would not be happening in my house. I had a friend who used to allow this when the were both 15 yrs and still in school, they would get up and go to school together.

sd249 · 14/08/2018 10:16

I have the implant and love it. Nothing to remember. I don't have to think about what happens if I am ill or the other things that were always a worry when on the pill.

I am on my third implant now and wouldn't consider any other methods of contraception.

RedPandaMama · 14/08/2018 10:17

I think some people are naive to think if they don't let their kids boy/girlfriends stop over that they won't be having sex. I was never allowed boyfriends to stay over, we were only allowed downstairs in my parents house. We found ways to have sex.

These things happen and my opinion is it's better to be safe, comfortable and under your roof than in a car, field, shed, school broom cupboard, or conservatory - all places my friendship group had 'done it' because their parents wouldn't let them have boys round.

ZanyMobster · 14/08/2018 10:17

I think you sound really sensible. Have open discussions with her and banning it from happening never ends well (although the parents who ban it genuinely believe their DCs accept that and don't do anything).

Make sure the BF parents are ok for him to stay but not your place to discuss that they have having sex with the parents. If they were much younger then that's different.

Original poster
Anonymousmumforlyfe · 14/08/2018 10:27

Thank you everyone for your opinions it’s rlly helping to put perspective on all of this. Am I allowed to go take her to get an implant or should that wait till she’s 16?

OP posts:
ifoundthebread · 14/08/2018 10:49

If you Google local family planning facilities in your area you can find drop in sessions where she will be able to go alone or with someone to discuss and receive contraception. My mother was always a 'no boys sleeping over and doors must be left open' type and we just went else where for sex. From my experience I've decided to be open and honest about relationships and sex with my children, no pretending it doesn't happen or forcing their hand to sneak around and go else where. Be honest with yourself and what your comfortable with as her mother, what does her father think?

Bellyscreen · 14/08/2018 10:54

You say you don’t have a great relationship with her but if she feels able to ask you about this, I’d say you’re doing pretty well! Surely a lot of 15 year olds wouldn’t approach a parent and find somewhere else for sex. Your relationship is probably better than you think.