To be irritated by wedding invite

[YogiBear13]

My cousin got engaged a few months ago and we recently received the wedding invites.

I'm 26 years old, and haven't lived at my parents since I left for uni when I was 18, I currently live with my long term partner, a fair distance from where my parents live. He hasn't been invited which doesn't really bother me, she's never met him and I get that money can put constraints on things and she won't want to pay for someone she doesn't know to attend.

The thing that irritates me slightly is that the invite wasn't sent to me, I was included, along with my sisters who also don't live with our parents, on my parents' invite. Is this a weird wedding etiquette I'm not aware of? I find it really odd to invite an adult, who lives elsewhere, through their parents. What would I need to do to qualify for my own invite? Get married myself? If I never get married will I still be included on my parents' invites when I'm 50? I can't quite put my finger on why it bothers me so much, but it feels a bit patronising, like I'm not an independent person.

To be clear, I'm obviously not going to say anything to the bride about it! And I'm perfectly happy to be told I'm being unreasonable, I'm 8 weeks pregnant and very tired and hormonal so quite possibly don't have a good gauge on whether I'm right to be irritated, or if I'm overthinking.

I think it's a way of respecting that the individual is an adult with their own agency.

I got married last year and i had the same question 'do i send separate invitations to my adult cousins and friends (who i was also inviting their parents)?' I asked both my mum and dad separately. Dad has remarried more recently and he is very etiquette when it comes to things like that. Both said if cousins are unmarried you invite them with your uncle's family invitation ie. Tom ABCD family . Same with friends that we had invited their parents as well. Apparently, if cousins/friends were married then you would send a separate invite.
To be fair if i was to separately send invitations to every adult then i would have spent much more money for the wedding. It is a big cost thing.
Also, this isn't in the UK. It's different country so maybe people have different views of how they feel about it. It never bothered me when i was included to family invitations. Didn't even think about it.

I'd be a bit miffed too, but I wouldn't read too much into it. Invites are expensive. Perhaps they weren't sure of your address.

I guess it depends how close you are to them. My cousins did this as I'm not very close to them and not sure they even know my address. I probably did the same but can't remember.

Well I wouldn't do it myself, buy it just sounds like a family invitation to me. I wouldn't make a big deal out if it.

I have never ever heard of a family invitation unless it's for parents with children/teenagers who still live at home. I'm genuinely surprised to see many people think this is normal. You learn something new every day.

Would never occur to me to send an invite to my aunt and uncle that would include their two kids, who are now 26 and 30 and don't live with their mum and dad and have their own partners. I actually find the idea bizarre.

OP, if she'd sent one to you individually she'd have had to pay another couple of quid for another invitation and a stamp. Times that by the number of families with adult children and it can add up. They'll already be spending a fortune on this wedding. YABU.

Oh and regarding plus ones, if they can't afford to give everyone a plus one (again, weddings are expensive) they are probably going to prioritise friends who won't have anyone to travel and stay over with otherwise, or who won't know (m)any other guests.

Cousins will be there with loads of family they've known from birth, so unless they are married or engaged it's fine to invite them without a plus one.

I have been an 'adult child' on a 'family invitation', of a cousin I'm not very close to. I was surprised to be invited at all really. All their cousins were invited, in the same way, all in their 20s, none married. They were having a large-ish wedding.

I took it as 'it would be nice to see you, if you'd like to come'.

From our point of view, it was a nice opportunity for our immediate family to get together, as well as being part of the bigger family occasion.

Sorry OP but you sound hard work.

You are an adult, an invite or any other external thing to PROVE you're an adult and an independent person is not needed,surely?

You've been invited, go or don't go.

Honestly....

Personally I'm of the opinion that anyone over 16 should get their own invite, even if they still live at home. So someone who doesn't should definitely get their own. Also I would never not include a plus one for everyone. So I think a long term partner should definitely be invited.

If you can afford to send all your guests an invitation you can always do online ones with a link to RSVP. In hindsight I wish we had done this. It also stops any CFs adding extra uninvited people .

Some people are high maintenance aren’t they? My cousin invited me on my family’s invitation and I’m several years older, not living with them, soon to be married with children, I didn’t think it was her ‘not seeing me as an adult’
She saved some money on the invitation cost and I was still invited which was nice as I actually only see her a couple of times a year.

I'm 37 and still get included on invites and stuff with my Mum. It's just the way some people do things,.

Personally I'm of the opinion that anyone over 16 should get their own invite, even if they still live at home.

What?

So if your aunt and uncle have a 16 year old and an 18 year old living at home with them you send three separate invitations to the same address? And if the 16 year old had a date to their school prom you include them as a plus one?

Why don't you just set fire to a fistful of twenties while you're at it?

Hubby and I are both 47 and had his recently. It was addressed to MIL,
FIL and family. A few phone calls were required however, to establish who exactly “and family” were!!

Yes I put multiple invitations in a bigger envelope to the same household. It didn't cost much extra and I could have just done cheaper invitations if I'd been worried about the cost.

YANBU

Adults who don't live at home with their parents should be sent separate invites to their own house. It's disrespectful to treat you like a small dependant child.

I wouldn't bother going to the wedding or at the very least don't bother getting them a present. Whatever your parents buy for them they should just consider a present from the whole family.

Wow, I'm glad my cousins aren't the type to make a fuss about something like this!

Although I wouldn't expect a separate present from them.

I've never heard of this, but it wouldn't annoy me. It just seems a bit odd to me because I'd send invitations to people at their actual addresses. But I wouldn't feel disrespected if I were included on a family invitation instead of receiving my own.

The other thing I don't entirely understand is the thing about not inviting someone the bride/groom has never met. My husband has a large family and when we got married there were lots of people there who I'd never met before, but I met them again over the years because they were family.

I suppose the thing to consider is what's usual in your family. Major departures from family tradition are not generally well received.

Ha ha ha. Love the idea of sending seperate invitations to everyone over 16 still at home.
Imagine chasing the RVSP for those.

Sounds like you have more of an issue with the fact you are not married yourself and are reading into the fact people aren't taking your relationship seriously. Which is true, as a society we do value those in marriages as more significant and long lasting relatiinaships than those who are not. This is reflected in that fact that many like yourself almost become embarrassed to refer to their boyfriend as their boyfriend and refer to "long term partners" as you have done. This seems an attempt to prove to yourself, and those around you, that your relationship is more important, than perhaps it is, and trying to distance yourself from the type of women who have children with 'just their boyfriends'. Probably true if you were married you would have gotten your own invitation as people would be more inclined to view your family structure as long lasting, significant and in line with what society still views as 'the correct way'

I don't see what's so strange about an 18 year old adult returning an RSVP. I certainly wouldn't want to be responsible for my adult children's social events, I don't even manage my DH.

Snuggy - well my post was in response to the idea of invitations to all 16+ living at home not just adults.

I certainly wouldn't want to be responsible for my adult children's social events, I don't even manage my DH so presumably everyone in your house will be sorting their own accommodation, travel and presents too then if you aren't responsible for them.
Or would it be easier if you decided that together, hence getting a family invitation.

You dont have to go