To be irritated by wedding invite

[YogiBear13]

My cousin got engaged a few months ago and we recently received the wedding invites.

I'm 26 years old, and haven't lived at my parents since I left for uni when I was 18, I currently live with my long term partner, a fair distance from where my parents live. He hasn't been invited which doesn't really bother me, she's never met him and I get that money can put constraints on things and she won't want to pay for someone she doesn't know to attend.

The thing that irritates me slightly is that the invite wasn't sent to me, I was included, along with my sisters who also don't live with our parents, on my parents' invite. Is this a weird wedding etiquette I'm not aware of? I find it really odd to invite an adult, who lives elsewhere, through their parents. What would I need to do to qualify for my own invite? Get married myself? If I never get married will I still be included on my parents' invites when I'm 50? I can't quite put my finger on why it bothers me so much, but it feels a bit patronising, like I'm not an independent person.

To be clear, I'm obviously not going to say anything to the bride about it! And I'm perfectly happy to be told I'm being unreasonable, I'm 8 weeks pregnant and very tired and hormonal so quite possibly don't have a good gauge on whether I'm right to be irritated, or if I'm overthinking.

Invitations can cost a lot of money, once you know the details, surely that's fine.

It is a bit weird but it's not a massive deal, surely?

You were invited, get over it

‘Family invite’ when did this become a thing? For grown-up children who live separately with a partner? No, it’s a bit weird - but maybe they were embarrassed because they could not invite your DP due to financial constraints.

However, YABU (probably) to spend more than 5 minutes thinking about it (although it’s probably the hormones).

Am I alone in detesting the word 'invite'? It's a verb, one invites, one sends an invitation. Such lazy language.

In my experience this is the way it's done when partners aren't invited. Maybe it's because they felt awkward sending it to you when your partner isn't invited? I wouldn't take it personally. Congrats!

I had an invite sent to my mum for her, me and my family to attend a 60th wedding anniversary party of my aunt and uncle. I am 40 years old, married for almost 15years and a mother to 3 children. It didn’t occur to me to be bothered, just assumed they were saving postage etc. So tbh I think you are being a bit unreasonable and precious.

I don’t think you’d give two fucks about this if you weren’t 2 months preg.
First 3 months of pregnancy I could probably have been responsible for murder if I hadn’t been laid up in bed with HG.

Ok thanks, as I said, happy to be told I'm being unreasonable (although I don't think I'm creating "drama", I wouldn't dream of ever saying anything about it because I'm well aware it's a tiny thing, and it's her wedding).

Genuine question for people who think I'm being unreasonable: at what point would you put someone on a separate invite? For example, we have a mutual cousin who is married with two kids, would you invite him (plus wife and kids) to a wedding on his parents invite? Since he also has two sisters who also live separately, their invite sent to the parents has 8 people on it, living in 4 different places (parents, two daughters, son, daughter in law, two grandkids).

Do you have an independent/personal relationship with her?

I don't know my adult cousin's address (most of my cousins are a lot younger than me). We saw each other once a year as children, and have never met up without our parents. I sent his invitation to his parent's house, although it was a separate invitation addressed to him. I wasn't going to spend ages finding out his address when, as awful as it sounds, I invited him because not inviting him would cause a family rift, not because I was desperate for him to be there.

On the other hand, some of my friends grew up like siblings with their cousins and meet up regularly as adults. I would be surprised if they sent the invitation to their parent's address instead of handing over an invitation at their monthly coffee!

@YogiBear13

I would definitely put people on a separate invite if I was inviting their entire family (including spouse and DC etc.). I would personally probably send separate invites anyway to adults living away from home (if I had the address).

I just don't think it's something I could ever be offended by, even if I was 60 with 4 grandkids I wouldn't spare a moments thought to be included on my mum's invitation.

I would be annoyed at this too OP. I wouldn’t say anything, not worth falling out over. But I agree it’s strange when you don’t like at home and are living with your DP independently. It’s not what I would do.

This didn’t bother me at all when my cousins did the same thing. I assumed it was because they didn’t know my address/they wanted to save paper/they needed to save money, or all 3. I didn’t take it as a comment on how independent of my family they thought I was (or not)

@YogiBear13

YANBU definitely. How ridiculous! You are an adult, who left home nearly a decade ago, who has a boyfriend (and is pregnant by him,) and has her own family unit, and they just put your name on the parents invite?!

I would be pissed off (if I were you,) that your partner isn't included. Jesus, I know people who invite a person and their partner even when the person has only been dating that person for a few months. Why is he not invited?

As a few people have said, I also have family members who send Christmas cards for me and my DH and kids - to my parents house! We have been married over 2 decades and our kids have left home!

I wonder if your family (on some level) still think of you as a child/not a grown up? Some family members think this of some younger family members. It's very annoying.

I am the youngest of 7 cousins, (oldest one is 10 years older than me,) and when I said I was getting married to my DH (in my mid 20's,) several of my cousins laughed and said 'what you? Can you even use a hoover?' And then several of them LOL'd like fools when I said I was having a baby. One of my aunts scoffed and said 'I'd like to see YOU with a baby.'

And one time I bumped into a cousin of mine who said she had seen me in the shopping centre telling some woman she was a eejit, when she nearly knocked me over running past, This cousin looked shocked and judgy, and said 'I couldn't believe it when I heard you cussing at that woman! I said to mom 'can you believe katie said that?' It was like I was being scolded and judged, and I was bloody 37!

So it could be that on some level, they don't class you as an adult. That's what I felt some of my family thought of me... And still do on some level. Even though I'm middle aged!

Have to say also, that if my partner who I was living with (and having a baby by) was not invited to the wedding; I wouldn't be going.

YABU it’s easier to send a family invitation to one address.

Sounds like they wouldn't have invited you as a separate individual, or as a couple, so it isn't 'either/or'. You are invited as a part of your parents' family, to a family event.

You are being petty.

I am 60 and my parents are in their late 80s - we get joint Christmas cards/invitations etc sent to my parents to include myself and my siblings.

Who cares - it's just lovely to keep in touch in with long distance relations.

Exactly the same thing happened to me, I can't believe all the people saying this is ok!!
I also said nothing to the bride and groom and happily attended one cousins wedding ( had to decline the other cousins do as it was far away and on a Thursday)
It did cause me upset and I was very put out that my partner of 5 years who they had met was not included. My brother declined both but also made no fuss. It made myself and my partner realise how we were viewed by them. I got married a year later and invited all three cousins and wives and g.f would not of dreamt of doing otherwise.
It is Infantilising, and hurtful to not acknowledge my partner, I would have been a lot happier to just not been invited to what was a v small wedding, I would have understood that.

I am currently organising a big family event and I sent individual printed invitations to adult cousins etc and also to any over 18s who were still at home or temporarily away ie university. It's not that difficult nor expensive but getting people to actually reply is!

I would find it odd and mildly insulting but don't think I would get too worked up about it. Personally I would only send 'family' invites if the family in question are all still living under one roof.

Sounds like they wouldn't have invited you as a separate individual, or as a couple, so it isn't 'either/or'. You are invited as a part of your parents' family, to a family event.
^This. I wouldn't be offended if Ai wasn't close to th

** if I wasn't close to them - grr.

It's reasonably common, in my experience. Especially when you're being invited but not your partner.

DH and I (and our children) were recently invited to a cousin's wedding in the same way. I don't feel patronised,

Yanbu. Don't get a gift, just add your name to your parents' card.