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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to ask if this is illegal

89 replies

flowerpicture · 13/08/2018 20:56

Shamelessly posting here as I need the traffic to help figure out what the hell to do.

12yo son is being bullied by two other 12yo boys, former friends who teamed up this summer and decided to make my son a target. They are all due to start secondary school together in 2 weeks, which is terrifying me.

Their current bit of fun is spamming my son with hundreds of gay porn images and gifs. Is this illegal? We're in Ireland. I've googled but can't find anything conclusive. He's blocked the boys but they find ways around it, different apps, devices, systems etc. It's relentless.

DS is absolutely adamant I don't speak to their parents. I understand, and I don't have contact info for them anyway. But I'm really struggling to sit back and do nothing. He acts like he's not bothered but I can see through the front. There have been a couple of late night crying sessions. He hasn't been out all summer as the friend group includes these two boys. The gay porn thing is only the latest. It's been one thing after another since start of summer holidays nearly 2 months ago.

No bloody idea what to do. Would IBU to go to the police? He'd hate me for it...

OP posts:
Minniemagoo · 14/08/2018 07:23

Your area should have a community Garda. I would definitely contact them and give them the names of the boys for them to follow it up. They will take it seriously.
I'm not sure what the school can do. It was outside school time, when the boys are not yet pupils. I found whilst the primary school was very good on online/cyber bullying our local secondary was not so good. They had less of an interest in things that happened outside the school.

paap1975 · 14/08/2018 07:41

Go to the police right now. Waiting even one second longer is soooo wrong. Your poor boy!

Nanny0gg · 14/08/2018 07:41

The school can be aware of potential problems from these boys. A heads up will be useful.

RachelAnneJ · 14/08/2018 07:48

I agree with going to the Police.

You could ask them if when they speak to the boys, they tell them that you checked his phone and found them.

I really feel for your son and also the position that you're in. Hope you manage to get it sorted.

Juells · 14/08/2018 07:50

The other boys' parents will be in the same bind as you are - only one local school. They'll certainly be panicked by a visit from the guards, if it looks like the boys might be excluded because of their bullying.

I'd go to the guards, it's definitely serious enough.

UnderMajorDomoMinor · 14/08/2018 07:54

There are somethings our kids get to chose and some they don’t. Your son should be left as the decision maker here. If you think speaking to these kids parents will solve this then do that, if you think it’ll make things worse is start by speaking to the school.

I’m sorry I can’t advise about Ireland, but the devolved nations and England do tend to align pretty closely. In England, schools have powers to punish kids for bullying off school premises and have a duty to address bullying regardless of when/where it happens.

As they are so young I would start with the parents/school - safeguarding of nothing else (ie who have two young boys the idea to look for and send on gay porn? Most of the time that would be a sign it’s been done to them. Exposure to porn is often used to desensitise kids for grooming.)

Fingers crossed for you. I hope Irish schools have similar duties.

mrsm12 · 14/08/2018 07:58

Call in to the guards, even if you don't want to go heavy handed there would be a community guard who would deal with this kind of thing and possibly even just a chat would be enough to scare them off. I'd skip telling the parents as they will likely only defend their child and say it wasn't them etc
Does the principal have an email you could send them an email about it? Chances are they still check that and they might have some helpful hints.

Weepingangels · 14/08/2018 08:06

Report it to the police and email the situation and effect on your son to the head, deputy head and their PAs if they have them. Sometimes they will be working towards the end of the holidays and may contact you before school starts.

It is illegal. Your poor ds. Such nasty behaviour. Let the police inform their parents.

TaintforTheLikesOfWe · 14/08/2018 08:19

I realise your son doesn't want you to step in OP but I think you must and big time. Be outraged and throw everything at this. It might get it all shut down and the bullying may cease overnight as a result. I was bullied. I said I didn't want my parents to get involved but looking back I wish they had gone nuclear , as nothing, absolutely nothing changed and it has affected me my whole life I feel.

MyBloodyMaltesersAreMelting · 14/08/2018 08:20

I can only echo what others have said
Report this to the police
They are very hot on this sort of crime
Those boys know exactly what they are doing ,
Take the control away from them

Fartymcnarty · 14/08/2018 08:24

I had a very very similar situation with my 12 year old this year, they were doing the same thing through social media and setting up accounts in his name. I spoke to the school and the police and both took it very seriously. The police and the school spoke to both children’s parents and the bullying stopped immediately!! I then decided to move schools for his own benefit and he’s now a different child!! Please go to the police, this should be enough to stop these kids and make sure they never do it to anyone else.

Mayra1367 · 14/08/2018 08:29

As a parent I would want to know . We had a similar situation with my son falling out with friends then one decided to give his phone number out and encourage strangers etc to send nasty messages. Luckily he told me straight away , I contacted the parents who were horrified and it was all stopped and dealt with within a day .
I didn’t need to contact School/ police but kept screen shots , showing if ever they were needed.
Good luck I hope you get this resolved soon xxx

LucyInTheSkies · 14/08/2018 08:31

I cannot believe you are allowing this to happen and have done nothing so far. Protect your child and take control immediately.

  1. You need to report the issue to the Gardaí immediately.
  2. You need to report the issue to Tusla (child services) as these children should not be accessing porn.
  3. Contact the secondary school today - principals return this week as exam results are released.

Please parent your child. Your DS is 12 and he should not have access to social media, email, etc. as he is Under 13.

Juells · 14/08/2018 08:35

2. You need to report the issue to Tusla (child services) as these children should not be accessing porn.

That will shake the little feckers up!

sunshinesupermum · 14/08/2018 08:35

Your poor son.

Police. Let them handle the parents and the boys. Please go ASAP

MrsBlaidd · 14/08/2018 08:44

Entirely different set of circumstances flower but I was bullied as a teenager, my mother knew and I begged her not to tell anyone. She listened to me and secondary school was a form of torture for me. I have literally no happy memories from being there.

On reflection I realise I'd told my mother precisely because I wanted something to change and I needed her to be the adult and make that decision for me despite my protests at the time. I really wish she had done something.

Good luck with your next steps. I hope it gets sorted properly.

Mayra1367 · 14/08/2018 08:46

Just re read your post and see you don’t have contact details. If you have no way of getting them or finding the address and just turning up at the house then it has to be the Guards . I really recommend acting before this escalates and others at your sons new school are drawn into it . I’m my sons case people sent nasty messages who didn’t even know him because they were encouraged to do so as a bit of fun.

Hellohah · 14/08/2018 08:46

I don't know about Ireland, but I know it will come under a lot of different laws here in England.

From someone with a child that was bullied the first year of High School - I will say you need to be led by your child. I don't know what other advice to give, but it worked for me.
When he was being bullied, he needed me to support him when he felt he had nobody else, he sorted himself out in the end, and I was there as a crutch while he made new friends, disentangled himself from the bullies and learnt to stand up for himself. He came out a stronger person - but that was right for him. It might not be for everybody - so ask your son what he needs from you.

Original poster
flowerpicture · 14/08/2018 14:17

@LucyInTheSkies I'll kindly ask you to offer no more input. Thanks.

Hi guys. So here's an update. The gay porn thing I found out about last night, I also found out my son doesn't keep any of it on his phone. We have no record of anything. So what I've said I'll do, and what he agrees with, is I'll go to the police station tomorrow with my husband (he is home from work tomorrow) and we will seek advice from them for the current situation. In the meantime, my son will continue to block the boys in any way he knows how. He doesn't want to switch off his phone at the moment as he already feels isolated, so cutting off his friends won't help him. We're discussing the option of changing his number and social media accounts, which he will do once he can be sure which of his contacts he can trust with the new information. It is super important to him that we don't just cut him off from everything.

If the boys manage to yet again find their way past the blocks, then I've asked him to a) tell me immediately, and b) not delete anything until I have chance to make record of it. We will then present this to the police.

As for school, he's not going there. The idea of it panics him and he's already fragile enough. We are going to send applications to certain schools in surrounding areas and, in the meantime, I will homeschool. I've already ordered the full curriculum and materials to keep him up to date. He has agreed to attend a minimum of 3 groups/clubs per week to maintain a social life and interaction. Once we've found the right school, wherever it is, we can move close to it. I work from home so it's no problem for me, and my husband already works 90 minutes away, so he's no stranger to a commute. My kid is intelligent and (as every parent says, but seriously) fairly advanced, and I'm capable, so I'm not worried about him falling behind in the interim.

We are all, especially our son, feeling confident with this plan moving forward.

The boys WILL face consequences. As I've said, I will have a meeting with police tomorrow to see what we can do about things right now with no record of the porn abuse. And we will start keeping records from this point forward. I will also let the school know what's happened when I tell them he will no longer be attending.

I hope this satisfies those of you who think I'm just sitting on my arse not bothering to do anything. It was never like that. I just had to get it all straight first.

Thank you, everyone, for your advice.

OP posts:
YeTalkShiteHen · 14/08/2018 14:20

I’m late to the thread but I wanted to offer some support.

I think you’re doing what most would do in the situation, and prioritising your son.

Well done OP Smile

I hate bullies.

TornFromTheInside · 14/08/2018 14:53

I would recommend you take control of his email account for the time being. He's 12, it's not unreasonable given the circumstances to have access to it - not least so you can witness the real truth of how frequent and extreme it is, but also to log it and keep as evidence.

Hopefully you can explain to your son that on this occasion, he's on the wrong end of lads taking things way too far, but it's not 'him' that's at fault or specifically targetted in terms of he will always be bullied. It's just his turn at the moment. That's really important that he doesn't think he's a walking target wherever he goes.

He's being brave facing it with you and standing up to them. In truth, it's a bunch of daft 12 year olds going way too far, but to him, it's a big deal.
They'll get the shock they rightly deserve and he'll walk a foot taller having handled it like a young man!

Faraway75 · 14/08/2018 14:56

Absolutely go to the police. This happened to my son - the police made these lads cry and they stopped! They all ignore each other now! Little shits

KingIrving · 14/08/2018 19:58

Good plan, OP and good luck

Poodles1980 · 14/08/2018 21:02

Op cyber bullying as well as harassment is an illegal offence in Ireland. I would be going straight to the Gardai with the evidence and see what they say.

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