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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to expect maintenance payments?

64 replies

Borage54 · 13/08/2018 18:52

I am splitting from my aggressive and narcissistic husband after nearly 23 years of marriage. We have one child who has grown up and left home. We are both in our mid-fifties, both working but he earns about six times as much as me. Friends tell me it will be a fifty-fifty split of assets accumulated during the marriage, but I think he should pay me maintenance because I was effectively a single mother when he was building up his career (Ie, I did 100% of the childcare and domestic stuff, while working part-time, leaving him free to pursue his high-flying career). No mortgage but our house isn't worth that much as we live in a norther ex-industrial area. I think he will be able to recover financially from the split, whereas I won't and the disparity post-divorce will be huge.

I am worried about how I will manage, and to make matters worse he has access to resources that I just don't (good lawyers etc). Any advice welcome!

OP posts:
gettingtherequickly · 13/08/2018 19:08

I think that generally spousal maintenance is not awarded, however you might be fortunate. I think you need to get legal advice.

Original poster
Borage54 · 13/08/2018 19:15

Thank you, that is what I have been told, but it seems a bit unfair in our situation because all the 'investment' during the marriage went into his earning ability Angry. It's early days though so more legal advice is needed

OP posts:
SometimesMaybe · 13/08/2018 19:19

Yes spousal maintenance unusual, and a clean break is usually preferred for lots of reasons. Speak to a lawyer though as it’s not unheard of (or for you to get a larger split of assets - eg you keep the house he keeps the pension).
This is why unfortunately woman really need to think about the long term when they have children.

LouHotel · 13/08/2018 19:20

You need legal advice as you should be entitled to part of his pension as thats the biggest worry you need to think about.

LEDadjacent · 13/08/2018 19:23

I think it might be possible for you to get all of the house and possibly still a smaller share of the pension if your earning are that different due to you staying home with the kids. Definitely seek legal advice.

Original poster
Borage54 · 13/08/2018 19:27

Thank you for your replies - yes more legal advice is definitely needed.
I hope lots of younger women will read this and preserve their own earning powers as best they can if they are having children. In my case he was always difficult, refusing to contribute to anything domestic - I just got on with it for the sake of my child (an earlier split on would have been extremely trying as he comes from a different country and I was reluctant to put my child through what could have been potentially difficult custody battles)

OP posts:
Original poster
Borage54 · 13/08/2018 19:29

Regarding property we have 1 house worth around 150k, another share of a property abroad (our share worth about 30k) all bought during the marriage. He also has an extremely expensive car (worth 65k). My pension is worth about half of his (mine is about 60k, his is 120k)

OP posts:
Babyroobs · 13/08/2018 19:29

You need a good solicitor. You might as least get half the house and some of his pension.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 13/08/2018 19:34

Your husband would have to be a very high earner for spousal maintenance to apply.

Are you going to be able to afford somewhere new to live? It seems tight on those figures. I’d be focusing on getting a more favourable capital split. The SM seems a bit pie in the sky.

Hope you can get advice soon.

Original poster
Borage54 · 13/08/2018 19:34

My worry is how I make ends meet after the divorce. I work full-time, but in a low-paid sector. It seems unfair to me that I will have to shoulder the financial insecurity when I have supported him 100% for 23 years to build up a good career. Ironically I have to work far harder than him these days as he is at the peak of a lucrative career. He couldn't have done it if he'd had to scuttle off at 3 every day to do school pick-ups (and everything else)

OP posts:
Namechangeforthiscancershit · 13/08/2018 19:35

Yes I totally see the unfairness.

Is there anyway you can use your skills in a better paid sector?

Will you you qualify for any benefits? All worth looking at.

Original poster
Borage54 · 13/08/2018 19:38

Thank you [namechange]. He earns £90k and gets large bonuses (the last one was £60k before tax). Yes I will need somewhere to live post-split.
I'm not looking for a huge amount of SM and I do understand about it being pie in the sky. I just wondered what the norm is here.
Also he has always refused to move - otherwise (if we had done what I would have liked) we would have invested more in a bigger house nearer to where he works (in the south east)
He has chosen to spend money where I wouldn't have, otherwise we would have a bigger property to split.

OP posts:
Namechangeforthiscancershit · 13/08/2018 19:40

By all means ask and see if your solicitor thinks it’s worth a try. If things were fair you would definitely get maintenance because clearly you’ve done your bit for the family.

Frustrating about the financial decisions.

It will all be worth it to be shot of this man.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 13/08/2018 19:41

Oh and yes I’d be annoyed if my OH was driving a car that’s worth nearly half the value of our house. Good priorities there!

Original poster
Borage54 · 13/08/2018 19:41

Yes I will of course look for another job, and I'm not bothered about keeping a 'luxurious' lifestyle at all. I'm fairly low-maintenance! I just don't want to spend the rest of my life worrying about money and also I want to keep on being able to visit my child (who is currently living abroad).

OP posts:
Original poster
Borage54 · 13/08/2018 19:43

Yeah that (the ridiculous car) is just an example of his unreasonableness. All our big expenses have to be 100% decided by him! It's bonkers Angry

OP posts:
zsazsajuju · 13/08/2018 19:46

If you get the house that will at least cut down on your living costs. No offence but it doesn’t seem like he is a high earner from your assets (given that you say he is in his 50s). I would focus on trying to get the best share of the assets.

zsazsajuju · 13/08/2018 19:49

Cross post. If he earns those bonuses where did they go?

Original poster
Borage54 · 13/08/2018 19:51

It depends what you call ‘high earner’ - I thought anything over £100k (which it has been for the last 3 years) was considered high. For comparative purposes, I earn about 20k per year. He has chosen to spend it on things other than property (eg on private education for our child and other things)

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 13/08/2018 19:51

I wouldn't worry too much, because if he earns £150k per year (inc bonus), and you've got no mortgage, and previous only the mortgage on a £150k house, he must have hundreds upon hundreds of thousands in savings for you to split 50/50?

Original poster
Borage54 · 13/08/2018 19:52

The money has been spent on his health needs (he is a hyperchondriac) as well. There are some savings (about 50k)

OP posts:
huggybear · 13/08/2018 19:54

I know people who have had it awarded but frankly I wouldn't want to be tied to him in any way.

MulberryPeony · 13/08/2018 19:54

....perhaps he does own a house in the SE. Is there any way to check?

MoggyP · 13/08/2018 19:58

You need legal advice. You might get something, because of the length of the marriage and your age (because even though it shouldn't be like this, the chances of you finding work at all is much reduced), and you need something to live on until the pension (which you shouid be awarded a share if) kicks in.

If you were younger than mid/late 50s, and your marriage was counted in units smaller than decades, it would be highly unlikely (other than for a short period to allow for retraining/job-hunting).

arethereanyleftatall · 13/08/2018 19:58

Are you sure op? Im thinking he must have more money/assets he's hiding away somehow.
No mortgage for x years/no children for x years.
Or are you confident the money's been spent?