AIBU to expect maintenance payments?

[Borage54]

I am splitting from my aggressive and narcissistic husband after nearly 23 years of marriage. We have one child who has grown up and left home. We are both in our mid-fifties, both working but he earns about six times as much as me. Friends tell me it will be a fifty-fifty split of assets accumulated during the marriage, but I think he should pay me maintenance because I was effectively a single mother when he was building up his career (Ie, I did 100% of the childcare and domestic stuff, while working part-time, leaving him free to pursue his high-flying career). No mortgage but our house isn't worth that much as we live in a norther ex-industrial area. I think he will be able to recover financially from the split, whereas I won't and the disparity post-divorce will be huge.

I am worried about how I will manage, and to make matters worse he has access to resources that I just don't (good lawyers etc). Any advice welcome!

Look at it from another angle. What will your housing needs be. What would it cost to buy? What is your mortgage capacity. You need enough equity from the matrimonial home to make up the difference.

Don’t look at the pension like cash. You will be entitled to a pension share. Or you could offset that against more equity/savings.

Don’t forget that you don’t want to be paying a mortgage well into your retirement.

Half of house, savings etc, even half value of his car. He might need to sell it. Think so much of his pension. Think no maintenance unless children under 18. However you need legal advice. If you cant afford it talk to cap. X

I never said financial contributions are the only contributions. But neither are they the only gains.
Sure get as much as you can- I would go for assets. I don't see the rock and hard place scenario. Leave and retrain or work to fill the funding gap. You sound pretty bitter and I think that's a waste of energy.

I got spousal maintenance, no children. He refused initially but had to pay me a lump sum on divorce. Get yourself a good lawyer OP. Good luck.

I do have qualifications. But the field I work in has completely changed in the last 10 years and my job is unstable (it tends to work in 3 year funding cycles so it's hard to plan 3 more than 3 years ahead) and the current government funding has been slashed by half. I have no problem working for a living but the reality is financial instability unless I re-train.

But of warning. A friend of mine was in somewhat similar situation. She received maintenance (including assets/portion of pension at time of divorce). It’s now 10 plus years down the line. She kept up her same lifestyle, so she didn’t make savings. Ex-husband is unwell and had to retire early. He also remarried. No more maintenance.

Clean break is best bet. You’re not ten reliant on his continued working and ability to pay. Also, often restriction on maintenance concerning future relationships for you. My friend could not cohabit or marry.

50/50 would be the starting point but you may come out of it with enough to buy a house mortgage free, a lump sum and a pension sharing order. You need legal advice really, it's unlikely it'll be 50/50 though.

The main reason I am worried is the instability of my work - it used to be government funded and this funding has been cut, then cut more, then some more. I now do a lot of fundraising to keep the service I work for going (which is time consuming) but who knows what's going to happen in the future. He can move on easily from this, financially speaking, and I can't - that's the harsh reality.

You can get him to buy the pension off you, as I bet he will retire early, then your SM would dissappear.

Ask for the house and a lump sum. Bet you find out he has loads of savings somewhere....
Also that car, bet he has a stash of cash to buy his next one....

OP, ignore Hartley and other pp suggesting that spousal maintenance is unlikely or in some way immoral. Thank goodness the law doesn't agree, and recognised that it is sometimes necessary in order to achieve parity on separation.

I got SM, as did several close friends, but my solicitor advised that it is only appropriate in marriages of 20+ years and where there is a significant disparity in income.

You need to find a good solicitor who can talk you through this, so you're not receiving conflicting advice on the internet - it will be money well spent.

All of your assets will be put into the pot and carved up. It may be that you would prefer to take a greater share of assets instead of SM, as that gives you the clean break.

House £150k
Holiday home £30k
Pensions £180k
Savings £50k
Car £65k

The starting point is 50% (£237k).

If you are thinking of asking for £500pm SM for say the next five years, that is £30k. You may prefer to take that money now, by way of a 60/40 or 70/30 split.

A good solicitor will be able to tell you what is usually realised in your area, in your circumstances.

If it were me, I'd be looking at taking the whole house, 50% pension and 50% savings in order to forgo SM (£265k).

He can use holiday home and 50% savings as a deposit on a new property, using his high salary to achieve a mortgage. With the car and pension this represents £210k and seems fair.

The only fly in the ointment in the car, if it's on a PCP or similar it actually represents a debt rather than an asset.

Talk to a solicitor and then present your suggestions to your dh. If he's amenable you can do it yourselves and save a lot of money.

Oh rainy. What makes you think that anyone would be silly enough to agree to your suggestion. If that was proposed to me, I would rather waste my cash on lawyers and suddenly lose my job rather than have that split. I know it's tough, but also try to imagine actually being the main breadwinner, the one 'supported' in the home . Fine and good if you want to be working. If you love your job and are happy to be sacrificing the time with you children whilst the other party does what you would actually want to be doing. And Then, when the kids have gone (And you barely know them as you work stupid hours and travel to get money so they go to private school etc) they other party leaves and presents the above scenario which assumes you still want to (or have the ability to...) work at the same pace, level of seniority and enthusiasm. All whilst the other partner goes off and then takes more than half of the accumulated capital and stays in their lower paid and relatively more time rich job. Bollocks to that.

A friend of mine in very similar circumstances was recently awarded whole of property (her ex DH kept his pension pot) she also got spousal maintenance of £5000 pa to reflect her lower earning potential due to her facilitating his higher earnings
Key would be a good solicitor - friend was left with large legal fees but worth it overall

I think the message I’m getting is get a good family lawyer who knows what they’re doing!
Thanks everyone xx

Pigsear, luckily the courts don't listen to any irrelevant nonsense about how the main earner felt about being the main earner, or consider how their circumstances might unexpectedly change in the future (any more than they care how op felt about being the lower earner or how her circumstances might inexplicably change in the future).

That is indeed how OP's dh might feel about his situation, and he may not agree with such a proposal, but the courts won't care. They look for parity, and that often means an unequal split. They're interested in the facts only.

That back of fag packet suggestion represents something like a 55/45 split in favour of the financially weaker party, and is similar to what my sister achieved in similar circumstances, it is poorer than what I achieved.

OP, as you say, get a shit hot lawyer and I think you'll come out with something similar.