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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to expect maintenance payments?

64 replies

Borage54 · 13/08/2018 18:52

I am splitting from my aggressive and narcissistic husband after nearly 23 years of marriage. We have one child who has grown up and left home. We are both in our mid-fifties, both working but he earns about six times as much as me. Friends tell me it will be a fifty-fifty split of assets accumulated during the marriage, but I think he should pay me maintenance because I was effectively a single mother when he was building up his career (Ie, I did 100% of the childcare and domestic stuff, while working part-time, leaving him free to pursue his high-flying career). No mortgage but our house isn't worth that much as we live in a norther ex-industrial area. I think he will be able to recover financially from the split, whereas I won't and the disparity post-divorce will be huge.

I am worried about how I will manage, and to make matters worse he has access to resources that I just don't (good lawyers etc). Any advice welcome!

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 13/08/2018 20:02

When my mum and dad split; similar circumstances, kids had left home, my mum had sacrificed her career for kids (and they'd started at the exact same starting point having met at work) my mum got more than 50% because of this.
He had a good pension, and I think he got that, and my mum got the house.
Though both said the solicitor was the only real winner.

ReservoirDogs · 13/08/2018 20:09

And his pension is very low too. Are you sure there isn't another one. Whilst courts prefer to make clean breaks 50/50 is the starting point.

Pensions 180k
House 150k
Car 65k
Savings 50k

Totak 445k

Half 222k

House plus your pension 210k plus some.of the savings 12k = 222k

That is if 50/50.
If he earns that the court will probably consider he can rehouse himself whereas you may not be able to.

Definitely lawyer up!

He must have some other assets if you don't live a 90k lifestyle.

dancinfeet · 13/08/2018 20:18

I would be surprised if you did. My friend and her husband are getting divorced - she gave up her higher paid career when she had the children (at his insistence) so that he could pursue his, then she went back to work in a much lower paid job when the children started school. They separated when the children were Uni age. She now works two BMW jobs just to keep a roof over her head, and has been told that she is not entitled to any maintenance from her exH. When the assets are split after the divorce, he is going to keep the family home (buy her out) and on his wage can get another mortgage, whereas my friend has been renting for the last few years and has no hope of getting another mortgage by herself on what she earns (even with a sizeable deposit of approx 50% value of a house). It's very very unfair.

Original poster
Borage54 · 13/08/2018 20:20

The high wage has only been for the last 3 years and the bonuses are not a given - they can vary wildly, it's just the last 2 years they have been higher so usually his wage wouldn't be that much over 100k.
That's exactly my point MoggyP - it's the length of the marriage, the amount I have supported him and the fact that I am unlikely to be able to build up a well-paid career at my age. And, while I understand not wanting to be tied to him in any way (huggybear) there does seem to be some unfairness in my case because he has always had an extremely 'traditional' view of things, expecting me to do all the childcare and housework (he can't even remember what childcare our son had FFS)

OP posts:
Original poster
Borage54 · 13/08/2018 20:27

As far as I know there are no other assets anywhere other than a property abroad which is not worth that much (he owns half and it is in his name, not mine).
Dancinfeet - that seems pretty similar to my situation. I think my problem has been in not pursuing my own career but it was a difficult choice as we don't have any family here to help out with childcare etc (mine live in the southwest and his are abroad) so our roles were split along very 'traditional' lines.
If there is any other 'secret' property it would be abroad, not here. We don't particularly live a 90k lifestyle although obviously we are not skint either. But, as I can testify, money definitely doesn't buy happiness. Part of the problem is that all the big financial decisions are made by him Angry so there's not much point having money when you can't agree on how it should be spent. I was much happier in my 20s and skint to be honest

OP posts:
Original poster
Borage54 · 13/08/2018 20:30

Anyway thanks for your posts - they pretty much back up what I have heard and I don't really have the energy for a massive battle (which, at the risk of sounding defeatist, I have no doubt he would win)

OP posts:
oldfatandtired1 · 13/08/2018 20:36

You could well get spousal maintenance, even for a short while. I divorced 3 years ago, both 55, he earned 100k, I earned 27k. We settled for 90% house to me (allowed me to buy a lovely house mortgage free), pensions shared (his were substantial), clean break. Had we gone to FH my barrister said I would get SM till pension share kicked in but I would not get so much equity in the house. You need a good family law solicitor though.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 13/08/2018 20:37

I would definitely have taken the extra equity over SM, especially with getting to avoid the final hearing. Good call
IMO.

Original poster
Borage54 · 13/08/2018 20:38

Thank you oldfatandtired1. It sounds like you managed to move on quite successfully - good for you :)
Maybe it depends on the solicitor then - and making sure I get a good one?

OP posts:
Pigsears · 13/08/2018 20:39

but surely it follows that you must have had a fairly 'traditional' view of things too- otherwise you would have gone out and carved out a career? Hindsight though... I know not helpful... but doh surely you can't complain about that now!

More legal advice needed then. And explore possible career moves. Even if you are mid 50's, you have at least 10 years of work. Get financial advice too. Look around and start talking to people and see what you could do to earn more cash... longer hours more days etc

oldfatandtired1 · 13/08/2018 20:41

Yes, please get a solicitor who specialises in family law, makes all the difference! I am in the south so not much point in messaging you who I used, but look at the Resolution website.

Original poster
Borage54 · 13/08/2018 20:52

I have been bullied a lot pigsears and buckled under the pressure a lot to keep the peace - and in any case it still doesn’t seem fair that I should potentially be so much worse off. My support for his career extends to things like being available 3 - 4 weekends a year to accompany him on business trips, losing whole weekends. I’ve never had that kind of support from him. That’s in addition to working (myself) and doing everything on the domestic front.

OP posts:
Original poster
Borage54 · 13/08/2018 20:53

Thanks oldfatandtired1, I’ll take a look at that website

OP posts:
oldfatandtired1 · 13/08/2018 20:56

Ignore pigsears. Luckily the law realises that not all contribution to marriage and family life is financial. My ex and I had the same job at 25, he was able to ‘climb the ladder’ by working abroad for months at a time, I took lower paid work to be able to look after the children. The courts understand that.

Original poster
Borage54 · 13/08/2018 21:11

Yes oldfatandtired1 - like your ex, my husband has always had the freedom to work late, travel at a moment’s notice while having my unremitting practical support and a clean well-ordered house and happy secure child to come home to. Pig-sears it’s not so much a question of moaning - I’m just worried about managing financially. I don’t see why I should be stuck between a rock and a hard place either - staying in a prison of a marriage or being skint ever after while my ex enjoys financial security that has been partly won by 23 years worth of my hard work and support.

OP posts:
LEDadjacent · 13/08/2018 23:29

It doesn't matter that the property abroad is in his sole name, it still counts as a marital asset.

A clean break settlement doesn't mean 50/50. You will have real difficulty homing yourself whereas he earns at least 90k a year. The courts are likely to try to redress the balance within the assets that you currently have. With your reduced earning potential you are reasonably likely to get more than 50% of the assets if it's to be a clean break.

HartleyHaresHo · 13/08/2018 23:40

Borage54 Mon 13-Aug-18 19:34:39
My worry is how I make ends meet after the divorce. I work full-time, but in a low-paid sector. It seems unfair to me that I will have to shoulder the financial insecurity when I have supported him 100% for 23 years to build up a good career. Ironically I have to work far harder than him these days as he is at the peak of a lucrative career. He couldn't have done it if he'd had to scuttle off at 3 every day to do school pick-ups (and everything else)

I appreciate the injustice of it but absolutely can't agree with him funding you after divorce. Financial ties (disregarding maintenance) should be cut once divorced. Spousal maintenance is ridiculous - work and provide for your children - why should an ex spouse provide for an ex wife = ridiculous

zsazsajuju · 13/08/2018 23:42

You should be ok though if you get the house plus your pension and some savings. You will manage-it’s hard to be on your own at first even if it’s a bad relationship but you will be much better off in the long run. No housing costs and 20k - you will be grand.

Intheg00dolddayz · 14/08/2018 01:13

I would suggest going for a completely clean break, including financial. Your children are grown up, why should spousal maintenance be paid. I am sure that you will end up with a good divorce package. You will have the freedom to start again. I know it's probably not what you planned, but it is the reality.

Willyoujustbequiet · 14/08/2018 01:33

Some poor advice here

You can certainly get spousal maintenance. Several of my friends have and I've been advised to. None of them are high earners but they are long marriages.

Thankfully the courts appear to recognise that contributions during a marriage arent always financial snd i totally disagree with a pp. You must certainly should be compensated for that.

summerFruitPudding · 14/08/2018 04:25

A hypochondriac narcissist. Did you diagnose these?

Surely you have the qualifications to earn a significant amount of money now.

You want more than 50/50 split of assets and think he should be paying your living expenses for the future?

It sounds like he was happy to spend money on your(plural) child such as education so the career wasn't purely for his benefit, was it.

RedHelenB · 14/08/2018 05:44

I think yabu as you have in a decent salary already if you were awarded spousal no doubt he would "hide" bonuses etc and you d no doubt be back and forth in court over it. Better to try to get the house.

BoomBoomsCousin · 14/08/2018 05:52

YANBU to want compensation that reflects the financial advantage he's managed to gain in terms of his earning power through your support over the course of your marriage. I agree with many of the others here that that is probably better as a larger percentage of the assets than as SM.

Kpo58 · 14/08/2018 06:14

Surely you have the qualifications to earn a significant amount of money now.

You do know that it doesn't work like that. Qualifications only have a value if you started working in that field soon after acquiring them and continue to do so. Noone would employ someone who qualified as a GP and then didn't work in that field for 10 years after graduating.

AJPTaylor · 14/08/2018 06:15

Pay for best legal advice you can.