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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

They don't want to tell DC

58 replies

sailorcherries · 13/08/2018 09:09

This is a slightly sensitive subject but goes in to no details, so hopefully no trigger warning needed.

On Friday my sons paternal grandmother was diagnosed with breast cancer. The diagnosis is still early and raw, as you can imagine, and I am very grateful she took the time to let me know (well she told me dad, who told me, as I wasn't there to collect DS).
I text ex-dp (son's father, who still lives at home) and ex-mil (never married but easier acronym) to say how sorry I was and how I'd be there to help with anything concerning DS.

Ex-dp has completely ignored me, his mum replied with thanks. I don't expect anything as it's going to be a hard time for them, they've been in my life a long time and I do care for ex-mil but my main concern is DS and how he'll be.
Ex-mil is waiting to find out more about her treatment, options and prognosis and isn't wanting to say to DS now, which I understand and agree with completely. My aibu is that neither ex or ex-mil are sure they want to tell DS at all. Although not my illness I think that at a point he should be told. He's 8, he'll notice changes in his dgm, he'll see her ill and she will, more than likely, be in and out the hospital. He stays at ex-mils during contact, she collects him etc. He is very close to ex-mil. They want to protect him but I think lying about it will do more harm than good.

Obviously I'm not going to step on any toes but, in time, I want to say that I'd explain it to him to save them the upset and difficult conversations.
Aibu to want to tell him, when the time is right?

OP posts:

Birdsgottafly · 13/08/2018 09:43

Breast Cancer can be different from other Cancers, in that you don't necessarily look ill, to the point that it would worry a child, who only visits.

She might be having a difficult time coming to terms with it and she doesn't need the stress of managing your DS's upset over this.

I've had two friends come through BC, one had her Breasts removed.

Why are you forcing this, so early? Let them find out what the treatment plan is etc.

A few months down the line and they may be open to telling him. You would be doing your DS no favours telling him so early. I say that as someone who had to explain my DH's Cancer to out three children (my DH was in his final months when I did that).

But certainly don't cause them any more stress by going against them, yet.

MatildaTheCat · 13/08/2018 09:47

Wait. It may be impossible for them to hide her illness but I know a woman who had a lumpectomy followed by radiotherapy and didn’t tell her own teenage dc. They didn’t notice any change in her.

Unfortunately this really isn’t your call at all. Be supportive during this difficult phase and wait.

It’s nice to hear of someone who has a good relwith ex inlaws.

JustlikeDevon · 13/08/2018 09:52

You are being U. This is not your story, it's hers and she has the right to tell it (or not) to whom she chooses. Don't make her regret telling you. This isn't about your child, so don't make it about him, she really doesn't need to worry about anything else at the moment.

AnoukSpirit · 13/08/2018 09:56

At 8 does he need to know more than that she's ill and having treatment?

I'm not sold that the lying protects him, so much as protects them. It doesn't necessarily need to be a big scary cancer conversation though at this point, does it? If he knows she's ill then there won't be the additional stress and worry of trying to hide it all from him.

Firtreefir · 13/08/2018 09:59

When my aunt had breaststroke cancer, she didn't look that ill.

However, she wasn't allowed to be around her dgc, aged 12, 8, 7 and 3, because the risk of them passing coughs/colds they'd picked up at school on to her was too great.

So when your ex mil is going through chemotherapy, she may not actually be able to see your son for quite a while, so he'll need to be told why.

Firtreefir · 13/08/2018 10:00

*breast cancer, not breaststroke cancer obviously, sorry

Birdsgottafly · 13/08/2018 10:03

""So when your ex mil is going through chemotherapy,""

She may not go through Chemotherapy. That's why it's too early to be worrying about this yet.

I fully understand the need to feel that you should be doing something, but for outside relatives, it is a matter of just waiting and following the person's wishes.

TwitterQueen1 · 13/08/2018 10:09

he'll notice changes in his dgm, he'll see her ill and she will, more than likely, be in and out the hospital.

No, he may not notice any changes at all. She may not appear ill and she may not be in and out of the hospital. You are (understandably) worried but somewhat unnecessarily. And I say this as someone who's been having cancer treatment for 18 months.

I do agree that he should be told, but all he needs to know at 8 is that his GM is a bit poorly and needs to go to hospital sometimes and that she might feel a bit ill sometimes too. If he asks a question answer it honestly (eg, is it cancer) but don't over dramatise. There shouldn't be any 'upset and difficult conversations' when you're talking to a child - it may be very different with adults though.

Nousernameforme · 13/08/2018 10:14

My childrens grandparent had prostate cancer a few years ago. They still don't know about it. Obv if it had ended up being terminal or had visible treatment then we would have had to say something.

What are your reasons for thinking your child should be kept informed of their dgms illness at this early stage?

bimbobaggins · 13/08/2018 10:16

I think yabu. She was only diagnosed on Friday, it’s probably still sinking in and she doesn’t even know the treatment etc herself.

When my ex dp, father of my ds was diagnosed with cancer we didn’t tell our ds for about 3 weeks until we had time to digest the news ourselves and find out about treatment , prognosis etc.

Pasithea · 13/08/2018 10:17

My DM is going through this at the moment. There is no change in her that any child would notice at the moment. Although she is having a mastectomy next week and may or may not have radio or chemo. Depending on her age and the cancer she may just be put on tablets for the threat of her life. Or may have to have surgery and or radio or chemo . Your son doesn’t have to know but it’s her choice not yours and as others have said it’s very early days . Good luck.

Beamur · 13/08/2018 10:18

All the above really.
No need to say anything now, let your exMIL handle this until something's needs saying.
My Mum died a couple of years ago as a result of breast cancer (first diagnosed well over a decade ago) so it's a highly treatable illness, she was mostly well during that time although the last year or so, less so.
My DD coped remarkably well overall, although it did upset her to see Granny ill, but she was remarkably sanguine about her death. There are some excellent books to help explain illness to children should the need arise.

FuckingHateRain · 13/08/2018 10:19

Yabu
This is not about your ds

PhyllisWig · 13/08/2018 10:25

Appreciate it's a different illness but my mum had treatment for melanoma earlier this year. No chemo but a couple of surgeries and a good few hospital appointments. Dds are same age as your ds and see her once a week on average.

We didn't tell them anything until she'd had the first surgery and got the staging results (stage 1 thankfully) then all mum said was high level in the vein odd 'something nasty' but the drs were getting rid. It was in her leg so her mobility was compromised for a few weeks which was noticeable as she's very active but they understood she needed rest.

Dd1 asked her if it was cancer and she said yes but it wasn't a focus iyswim. Waiting til after staging meant it was easier to manage honestly without unduly alarming.

AjasLipstick · 13/08/2018 10:25

Another saying YABU. My FIL has been battling prostate cancer for some years now. None of us have ever considered telling the children.

Quartz2208 · 13/08/2018 10:27

at the moment telling him will not help = based on what you have said there is no point in deciding whether or not to tell him until she has a prognosis and treatment plan. Breast cancer is very curable and it could be that she simply is treated and goes into remission - in which case there is no point in telling him

Stop getting ahead of yourself - you say they dont know whether or not he should be told - see what the actual diagnosis and prognosis is first

honeyrider · 13/08/2018 10:27

YABVU, she was only diagnosed on Friday, hasn't even got a treatment plan in place yet, at the very least you should give the woman the curtesy of time to come to terms with what's happening to her and get a treatment plan in place.

PhyllisWig · 13/08/2018 10:28

Oh and my mum told them when she was ready to. We were on hand to answer questions/reassure but she did the telling cos it was her leg.

She also showed them some gruesome bits. They helped her change her dressings!

PattiStanger · 13/08/2018 10:32

I think YABVU, it's not for you to tell him anything. Your exMIL has only just found out, she may have to go to hospital appointments but ime with friends with breast cancer she may not look any different at all. If she's not feeling up to looking after him all you have to say is that she isn't feeling very well.

Tbh if I has cancer and you were telling your child it would make me feel worse if I didn't want him to know, I think you're being a bit selfish

Sunnymeg · 13/08/2018 10:33

If she was diagnosed on Friday, your ex MIL will need more tests before the grade and stage is determined. If she is due to have a mastectomy or lumpectomy it will form part of that process. I have had breast cancer and it took about six weeks from being told I had cancer to discussing a treatment plan. It may well be that if they have caught the cancer early enough, your ex MIL may not need chemotherapy or even radiotherapy. Let's hope so. You need to be guided by her wishes and what she wants her grandchild to know. It is completely her call. My DS was 5 when I had my diagnosis. We told him things in very general terms, and gave him little jobs to do to help 'Mummy' whilst I was ill. We did not make a big deal of it and tried to keep his life as normal as possible to prevent him worrying.

ChardonnaysPrettySister · 13/08/2018 10:36

I know a lot of women who have chosen to keep their breast cancer diagnosis to themselves.

I can only respect that.

On the other hand, it's important children and grandchildren know about it because of the higher risk they have of developing cancer, so it's not that simple.

Mookatron · 13/08/2018 10:39

I think you should wait, like others have said. Let the news settle and your ex mil find out what exactly the prognosis/treatment is.

However I do think it is better to be honest with kids about what is happening. Trusting in the information you're given makes bad news easier to understand and digest I think. And I actually think this decision is yours to make too because DS's emotional well being is of course your concern.

But I wouldn't even think about it yet.

PrettyLovely · 13/08/2018 10:40

Yabvu, Actually cant believe you would make this all about your son when the poor lady doesnt know much what it all entails yet and has only recently been diagnosed.

Godowneasy · 13/08/2018 10:45

On the other hand, it's important children and grandchildren know about it because of the higher risk they have of developing cancer, so it's not that simple.

That's not neccessarily true. It depends what sort of breast cancer it is.

SwayingInTime · 13/08/2018 10:48

We didn’t tell our children that their dad had cancer as there was no need.

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