They don't want to tell DC

[sailorcherries]

This is a slightly sensitive subject but goes in to no details, so hopefully no trigger warning needed.

On Friday my sons paternal grandmother was diagnosed with breast cancer. The diagnosis is still early and raw, as you can imagine, and I am very grateful she took the time to let me know (well she told me dad, who told me, as I wasn't there to collect DS).
I text ex-dp (son's father, who still lives at home) and ex-mil (never married but easier acronym) to say how sorry I was and how I'd be there to help with anything concerning DS.

Ex-dp has completely ignored me, his mum replied with thanks. I don't expect anything as it's going to be a hard time for them, they've been in my life a long time and I do care for ex-mil but my main concern is DS and how he'll be.
Ex-mil is waiting to find out more about her treatment, options and prognosis and isn't wanting to say to DS now, which I understand and agree with completely. My aibu is that neither ex or ex-mil are sure they want to tell DS at all. Although not my illness I think that at a point he should be told. He's 8, he'll notice changes in his dgm, he'll see her ill and she will, more than likely, be in and out the hospital. He stays at ex-mils during contact, she collects him etc. He is very close to ex-mil. They want to protect him but I think lying about it will do more harm than good.

Obviously I'm not going to step on any toes but, in time, I want to say that I'd explain it to him to save them the upset and difficult conversations.
Aibu to want to tell him, when the time is right?

My mum has breast cancer. The only treatment she's having is hormone therapy and regular check ups. You wouldn't know she had it if she didn't tell you.

My DM had skin cancer last year and it honestly didn’t enter my mind to inform my DC. I think it’s personal but some people don’t want to worry children unnecessarily. It’s different if they are very obviously sick, going through chemo etc but many with cancer no longer have that fate. It may be a case for your ex-mil that she only needs a mastectomy. In that instance, you don’t need to tell DS she has cancer but just state she is having an operation.

As the diagnosis is brand new, there may well be further tests before a treatment plan is in place. I think it is always better to wait until you know what you're dealing with, and what can be done about it, before telling DC.

Do you know what further tests are being arranged, and how long it will take to get the necessary results?

He doesn’t need to know. She has had 3 days to absorb this so far, she doesn’t need to worry about telling him yet. She needs to find out more about what type of cancer it is (aggressive, non-aggressive, hormone receptive) and her treatment plan before she even thinks about telling him. There is no point worrying him for no reason yet.
She may not have any physical reactions to treatment, everyone reacts differently. She may have hormone treatment where people don’t get many side effects, you can get chemo in tablet form now etc. She may choose to tell him she’s not very well when she has a better picture of what she’s dealing with.

Give her time. It’s nobody’s place to tell anyone right now.

However.

As a family of many cancer sufferers it’s so much more scary as a child to see people ill and just hearing snatched, Catholic whispering behind closed doors.

I didn’t want this for my dd so when my Mum sadly developed bc we were a generation on. My daughter was told age appropriate stuff, stroked Mum’s head when she wasn’t wearing a wig and had it explained to her that when Nana was physically sick it was actually “medicine making her better”.

So many people are afraid of a cancer diagnosis because in the past treatment was horrendous and a painful death likely. These days a cancer diagnosis isn’t necessarily like that although I imagine chemo and radio to be pretty horrendous if she needs to go through that. I totally agree with your ex mil coming up with a treatment plan before telling your ds. When the time comes, I think it will be your and your ds’s father’s choice whether you use the word cancer or not. Personally if you think your ds will be influenced by others into thinking cancer is the most awful disease on the planet, I’d avoid the word.

First of all, I'm really sorry your ex mil is going through this. I can understand her not wanting to tell your child just yet, her brain will be all over the place just now, trying to come to terms with the diagnosis. And she might be hoping never to have to worry him with it, if her treatment goes well. Someone else mentioned the risk of infection if she needs chemotherapy, and this is true. My husband has just finished chemo for prostate cancer, and we haven't been able to see our grandchildren for a few months. She may not need chemotherapy though, you never know. Just as an aside, we always joked with the other patients in the Oncology day unit about how well everybody looked. Even though some had lost their hair, they all looked fit and healthy, their main symptom being fatigue.

This isn't your story. Or your son's. DS won't notice anything. Breast cancer's curable.

Be careful. Don't be one of those people who makes a drama about themselves when someone else is gravely ill.

My mum had breast cancer and a mastectomy nearly 15 years ago and is still healthy (for mid 80s). My children were at junior school at the time and were fully aware of what was going on, but none of us would have guessed if we hadn't been told. She was in hospital for around two days and came out looking fine, although with limits on what she can do with that arm (normal life OK, painting walls not allowed).

YANBU to want to tell him, when the time is right.

It's not the right time yet, until you know more, and then only with the permission of the cancer patient (unless it is really bad and you feel that keeping it from your child will make them more upset/scared). It may help for you and your ex-MIL/ex partner to have a look at the Macmillan web pages on talking to children about cancer as they have some really good advice.

Cross post with stawberrisc
I agree about the whispering. As a child, who went through the whispering bullshit, which scared me very much and it wasn’t a grandparent but a parent. This must also be avoided.

My OH was diagnosed with a form of cancer six months ago and has been undergoing chemotherapy and other treatments ever since. We didn't tell DS as he was approaching his GCSEs and we didn't want him to suffer any distractions.

Apart from OH being generally more tired and unwell, DS didn't notice any difference, as OH had been run down for a couple of years anyway (very late GP diagnosis!). We explained the lack of days out etc as being to let DS concentrate on his GCSE revision. I did the household work that OH used to do myself whilst DS was at school so he didn't notice that things were different.

We didn't tell anyone at all, not even OH's mother and sister. We basically tried as hard as possible to hide it from DS.

The crunch came when we finally had to tell him that our Summer holiday had to be cancelled as OH is too unwell to travel and couldn't get travel insurance anyway - we didn't use the "C" word but made it quite clear OH had been very poorly, had a long term health condition that wouldn't magically be cured, but that for the time being anyway, medical treatment was working. DS was "happy" with that, not too upset and understood our reasoning.

OH told mother and sister the next day - didn't go as well. All about them of course and how unfair they hadn't been told! OH had to remind them it wasn't them who'd got cancer!!!

We'll tell DS as and when we have to. At the moment, things are very unclear about the next stages. It's a treatable but incurable form, so will be fatal, but timescales vary enormously - could be next week or could be 10 years. Average likely expectancy is around five years, so nothing imminent hopefully, hence giving us the breathing space to adjust ourselves before we have to tell DS the absolute truth of the matter.

Sorry, but YABU.
It's not your body so you don't get to decide who needs to know and what they need to know. It's really that simple.
Obviously, if DS asks you questions you should try to answer them without giving away confidences. My DH has a blood cancer and has had treatment when DS was young. DS is 9 now and knows daddy has been ill (lots of hospital check-ups) but doesn't know the details or prognosis as DH doesn't want him to know. As far as I'm concerned, that's DH's decision.

I wouldn't tell them. My DC are 12 and 8 and they have formed an opinion about cancer that is quite distorted IMO. That is because when they hear about it they often see and hear mostly very negative things. I am talking about on the news and at school. I have often had conversations with my DC about how many people survive cancer and live a long time and as science progresses the statistics are getting better etc. I do this because if anyone in my family gets cancer I think they will be very upset and scared as a result of the information they have picked up along the way,

I'd agree this isn't your choice and hopefully she will be treated successfully and there will be no changes to notice.

This was the case with my grandmother.

Yabu
It's not your story to tell at this time, and without knowing the treatment options, prognosis etc you can't predict how this may impact on your son in the future, if indeed it impacts at all. If she just required a lumpectomy, it only involves an overnight hospital stay.

If more radical treatment is required then there may well be a need for your son to know, but you won't know until further along in the process.

Don't burden your son with the information until he really needs to know. You can't 'untell' it, and he will probably worry about it without really understanding it. I was a lone parent diagnosed with breast cancer when my daughter was 11 which culminated in a double mastectomy. She was terrified that I was going to die immenently, and I've always felt sad that she lost the carefree childhood she had had up to that time.
Fortunately, she's nineteen now, and really positive and happy and doing well, and it's a distant memory for both of us.

I hope it goes well for your ex mil.

Op - . I'm sorry for you and your family and it is natural you worry about your son, but it is far too soon for you to get involved. Please back off and give them time to deal with this on their own terms.

Three days of diagnosis - your MIL is in shock - please leave her to cope with her diagnosis in the way she needs to.

I have personal experience of this - a very close relative to me got cancer and didn't tell anyone - this individual went through chemo without telling anyone - pretending to be abroad! Now I'm not saying that was wise!

But I learnt from that experience that it is VITAL that an individual with any serious health issue is RESPECTED in how they deal with it.

I know you don't mean to do this - but please don't make this about your son he is not the most important person here and the key thing is that your MIL has a positive state of mind.

My relative who hid the diagnosis said it was very important to him to avoid the 'sad face' and assumption that he was ill and dying. That enabled him to push through and get better on his own terms.

My MIL is a cancer nurse and says this approach is actually very common especially in older people. Has it occurred to you that your MIL might much prefer not to dwell on the diagnosis and make a big deal of 'explaining' to her grandson that she is ill?

It may be better for all concerned if it is not mentioned unless absolutely necessary.

My MIL was diagnosed with breast cancer about 2 yrs ago. She told me but asked me to keep it quiet until she understood treatment plan etc. I had to keep it from DH for around 3 months, which was so very hard. Our DS was 5.

She eventually told DH and his siblings but we agreed not to tell our DS. After surgery, we said she had a poorly shoulder and not to hug so hard. That was it. She was lucky and so are we. She's had fatigue but, as much as we love them, kids are very self centred at that age. They don't notice things that adults would.

I'd ask exMIL to agree a narrative that acknowledges a dip in health at least. That should be enough to cover any symptoms that are ongoing as well as account for surgery. 🤞and let hope for the best.

Kids are good a rationalising change. I didn't know my grandfather had cancer until I was thirteen, he had it since I was 7.

You need to let the patient decide when and if she wants people to know.

One of my colleagues had breast cancer and chemotherapy and she didn't look ill, lose her hair (it did become more frizzy though) and she felt well enough to go walking and shopping in between chemo's. It doesn't have to look that bad. I'd leave it up to them if they tell DC or not.

I think he needs to be told eventually that his grandmother is ill but the doctors are doing their best. But at eight he doesn't need to know any more than that IMHO. I don't think there is any great rush to tell him so you should hold back for now.

For everyone telling me to back off I did say I had no intention of saying anything and had only offered my support.

My aibu is their stance just now about not saying anything to DS ever, which may change, but is how they want to be just now.

In our case it isn't as simple as a dgm being ill, ex still lives at home and my sons dgm does 90% of the care for him when he is there. Ex cannot drive and won't use public transport to facilitate contact so ex-mil does it. Ex mil takes ds on days out, soft play, arranges his additional contact etc. Ex is bloody useless and so, if ex-mil became too ill to drive/care for ds it will be very noticeable.
Ex also living at home means that if ex-mil needs chemo and becomes immune compromised and ds can't visit then ex won't arrange contact elsewhere; it just won't happen.

Ex-mil is more of a parent to ds than ex, ds also loves his dgm and, eventually if the need arises (which I sincerely hope it doesn't) to tell him, I'd rather be as honest as possible instead of ignoring it.

DS has already asked why his dgm spent the weekend in her room crying and why plans were cancelled. Ex told him it was none of his business, which wasn't right imo but given how raw and emotional they are I can see why he would be snappy. Indeed it's ex who doesn't want to say to DS ever, ex-mil is just looking until her next lot of tests.

I have no intention of telling DS just now. I have no intention of telling DS if I don't need to, and I sincerely hope I don't. Ex-mil is a loving and doting grandparent and I want her in DS's life as much and as long as possible. I just don't agree with ex's stance of not telling DS anything, regardless of how any further tests go; but as I said I'm not going to step on any toes, it's more about the wanting to tell him rather than the act of telling him. Its easier to discuss anonymously online than with anyone irl.

I had breast cancer many years ago, had a lumpectomy followed by radiotherapy only. I never looked ill, no-one would have known. I told those closest, my family, , of course, but apart from taking time off from work, (worked for the NHS , so almost 'compulsory ') it really didn't impact on my day to day life at all.
I'd give it a while , your DS may never need to know.

I have had breast cancer and right now your MIL will be finding the diagnosis difficult. However, once she has a treatment plan in place she's likely to be more her normal self again. It is a very treatable and curable disease in most cases and her treatment will likely be quite straightforward, only involving a small surgical procedure and radiotherapy. She's probably not going to look ill or be out of for very long and your son may not need to know, unless of course she wants him to.

I get it op. But your MILs wishes in this respect must be respected. You keep saying about not telling him 'now', 'not telling him if I don't need to' etc. All you should be thinking is how you'll support DS IF MIL wants him to know. If she doesn't, and he picks up that she's ill or can't visit, you make the right soothing noises about how sometimes people do get very poorly etc etc and then maybe raise it again with MIL.

But ultimately it's her decision who knows this. You absolutely cannot override her wishes, she is the one facing cancer head on, not you, or your DS. She can't control the outcome, she can control who knows, dont take that from her, it can be incredibly important to some cancer sufferers.