They don't want to tell DC

[sailorcherries]

This is a slightly sensitive subject but goes in to no details, so hopefully no trigger warning needed.

On Friday my sons paternal grandmother was diagnosed with breast cancer. The diagnosis is still early and raw, as you can imagine, and I am very grateful she took the time to let me know (well she told me dad, who told me, as I wasn't there to collect DS).
I text ex-dp (son's father, who still lives at home) and ex-mil (never married but easier acronym) to say how sorry I was and how I'd be there to help with anything concerning DS.

Ex-dp has completely ignored me, his mum replied with thanks. I don't expect anything as it's going to be a hard time for them, they've been in my life a long time and I do care for ex-mil but my main concern is DS and how he'll be.
Ex-mil is waiting to find out more about her treatment, options and prognosis and isn't wanting to say to DS now, which I understand and agree with completely. My aibu is that neither ex or ex-mil are sure they want to tell DS at all. Although not my illness I think that at a point he should be told. He's 8, he'll notice changes in his dgm, he'll see her ill and she will, more than likely, be in and out the hospital. He stays at ex-mils during contact, she collects him etc. He is very close to ex-mil. They want to protect him but I think lying about it will do more harm than good.

Obviously I'm not going to step on any toes but, in time, I want to say that I'd explain it to him to save them the upset and difficult conversations.
Aibu to want to tell him, when the time is right?

I see your last post puts a different spin on things. For starters I’d tell your ds you aren’t sure, perhaps you could go with the angle of maybe she was feeling tired and /or sometimes grown ups get sad. Your ex sounds pretty horrid actually to say that to an 8 yo and made much more of a deal out of the situation than necessary. Do you know if your ex mil will be well enough to have your ds next contact day? If not, you are going to need an explanation. Probably that she’s just extra tired atm. I think I’d run it by her first though so you can get a game plan. You’re not going to get what you’re looking for from a group of strangers from the internet as it’s a perculiar situation with a father, who’s acting like an 8 yo.

DS has already asked why his dgm spent the weekend in her room crying and why plans were cancelled. Ex told him it was none of his business.

What an idiot. He didn't have to tell DS but the response he gave is guaranteed to worry your DS.

I think you need to wait to see how this turns out.

My DGM had breast cancer last year. Luckily she had minimal treatment and the worst of it was over really quickly. If I hadn't been told I would never have known.

I understand what you're saying about your son being around his GM a lot more than perhaps some of us who's family have been through this too meaning he may pick up on things more but I think unless things take a more serious turn (which I sincerely hope they don't), you really don't need to say anything more than 'oh perhaps GM is just feeling a bit unwell at the moment' etc...

If things do worsen then maybe speak to your ex again at that time, but for now it's up to your exMiL how to handle this. She doesn't even have a treatment plan yet I imagine so who knows what will happen.

Yeah it's more so his dad that's the issue.
He could have said anything, she was tired/upset/was a little ill. Being so snappy and short with him has just confused him and I've no idea how it will go or how contact will go from now.

It's not looking for sympathy etc, I've nothing to be upset about. It's just a media for getting my thoughts out without DS potentially hearing, having ex act like a child or making things harder for ex-mil.

YANBU, op. Your ds is your priority, over and above the adults.

I was 8 when my Grandad was diagnosed with cancer (it turned out to be a misdiagnosis but that's not relevant here). The adults thought I didn't know. But I heard whispered conversations, things changed like going to stay with Grandparents in the holidays, and I saw my Grandad looking very ill.

I concluded that he was dying. And that I wasn't allowed to talk about it. I dealt with it all on my own with no support from adults, piecing together what little information I had. And not feeling comfortable to ask questions. And I learnt that I couldn't trust the adults.

It was horrendous.

Just let the dust settle for now and don't force any decisions. It's inevitable they'll tell your DC when the time is right, so don't be concerned for now about pinpointing when that time will be.

Although not my illness I think that at a point he should be told

I agree to an extent but you must remember that this is all new for her too, and that at the moment she needs time to process it all and come to terms with what is to come.

His dad dealt with it appallingly badly though, and that does need to be addressed.

When my Mum was diagnosed, we kept it from my children at her request until she was ready. Then we sat down and talked it through with them, answering any questions they had.

We avoided words like sick/ill/poorly because we didn’t want them to be afraid if someone was ill with a cold or something.

That said, my Mum’s prognosis wasn’t good so we were thinking along those lines. We only got super specific about what was happening when she was in the hospice, so they understood why they weren’t seeing her any more. I’m aware (and hopeful) that this isn’t the case for your ex MIL.

I would leave it for now. However, eventually, or if it becomes an issue you will have to speak with exDP and say that you, whilst you totally understand and respect how he feels, DS has noticed that things aren't right and is asking questions - which he will, sooner rather than later if exDP's reaction is anything to go by, and you need to decide, along with MIL, what and how much to tell him.

For now, you'll just have to brush it off as best you can for as long as you can. Sometimes adults have things that make them upset, just as a child does. MIL (gran) just needed a bit of time on her own. You don't need worry.

See what happens at the next appointments and what the prognosis/treatment regime is going to be.