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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel freaked out by this

59 replies

Wornandweary · 12/08/2018 13:36

Sorry, posting here for traffic because I'm really worried about a meeting with social services tomorrow, and could really do with some other viewpoints.
There's so much to this that I don't think anyone could be bothered to read all of it. I'll try to summarise but apologies if I leave something out.
I'm a single parent with two kids (12 and 10) with complicated needs; ASD, severe anxiety, sleep disorders, and sensory issues. Neither of them attend school now and both have an EHCP that provides them with home tuition. They've both had involvement with CAMH which has been long winded and pretty negative and both children now feel very anxious about all forms of therapy. You can imagine from all of this that I've been asking for support for years with varying levels of success. Mostly response has been 'you're doing a great job, there's nothing else we can offer'.
Things have got worse over the past couple of months, and my youngest child's anxiety is very high; panic attacks, phobias and too scared to sleep alone. She had some upset with her dad and has chosen to cut contact, and was very disturbed by some child psychotherapy via camh.
Throughout all this I've had little involvement with social services. Somebody made an anonymous complaint about the children's care about four months ago. (Since it coincided with the trouble with my ex I'm guessing the complaint came from him or my ex mil). I cooperated, they had no concerns, I felt things were going ok and that was that. About a month ago, other agencies were not doing what they'd agreed and I was looking to see what support there might be. I asked for an assessment from social services but was told that there wasn't much they could offer. There was a vague suggestion that if they could get the disability team involved we might qualify for respite. I heard nothing more so asked our family worker to chase it up. Seemingly the social worker has now left so we asked for another social worker to come out, Thursday just gone. She chatted with me, said there wasn't much they could offer and she'd be in touch. So she rang on Friday to tell me she's discussed it with her manager and it's now a child protection issue. I spoke to the manager who says that as my kids won't wash (they do, but they need help), or eat (they do but have sensory issues which make it tricky), or see anyone (they do, but both have extreme social anxiety and hate meeting new people), it's now reached the threshold for section 47(?) and if she wants she can involve the police. I have to now make the children meet with her on Monday, and then agree to whatever she thinks best. How has it gone from "you're doing great, sorry we can't help" to "your kids are at risk of significant harm and we can involve the police"? Do I have any control or choice over what happens from here?

OP posts:
Original poster
Wornandweary · 12/08/2018 13:37

God, so sorry, if anyone can wade through that then thank you so much.

OP posts:
Tiredtomybones · 12/08/2018 13:40

Sorry no advice OP but just want to bump your thread to keep it active so people can actually help. It sounds awful for you.

ArseHair · 12/08/2018 13:42

Hi OP.

You might find it helpful to contact the Family Rights Group, a national charity offering advice to families in your position. Their free phone helpline is 0808 801 0366.

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/08/2018 13:44

Another bump OP. You must be exhausted. I hope others can help Flowers

Original poster
Wornandweary · 12/08/2018 13:49

Thank you all for replying. I am exhausted and it's not a life that enables an active social life so I'm a bit stuck for people to talk to in real life. I'm genuinely touched that people have replied. And I'll try that phone line, thanks.

OP posts:
peppersprayfirstapologiselater · 12/08/2018 13:54

Sounds like you need an open discussion with the SW/manager.

Everything was fine until the manager heard all of this info second hand from the SW. it sounds like the manager needs some context.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 12/08/2018 13:55

Wow, I can’t help much more than to bump this and say I am so, so sorry that all this is happening. It sounds really rough. I am amazed that they are talking about the police and all that.

It sounds to me like you are doing a great job in really difficult circumstances

YeTalkShiteHen · 12/08/2018 13:57

Oh OP that sounds tough, the manager really shouldn’t have used such emotive and intimidating language on the back of second hand information!

Are you in a position to seek legal advice? A solicitor could help unravel all the legal jargon and also show SW you’re not on your own to be bullied.

They can be really shit sometimes, I hope you get somewhere with them and get the support you and your children need. Flowers

Original poster
Wornandweary · 12/08/2018 14:03

Thank you all again. It helps to feel I'm not alone in finding this heavy handed. It was actually the manager who used all the emotive/ threatening language. She kept trying to tell me she was being supportive but it doesn't feel supportive to be threated with the police. She also said it had reached this point because the children weren't managing to do what their peers could do. I felt she had very little understanding of autism and the stuff that often accompanies it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wornandweary · 12/08/2018 14:06

By doing what their peers can do (she used the words " normal kids"!) I mean like running their own bath, or cooking basic meals.

OP posts:
YeTalkShiteHen · 12/08/2018 14:07

She also said it had reached this point because the children weren't managing to do what their peers could do

Christ almighty how the hell has she got to a senior position in SW? What a stupid, ignorant comment to make. Of course they’re not matching their NT peers, they’re not NT!

Sorry OP personal bugbear of mine when people expect ND children to match NT children and judge them by NT standards.

It sounds like you need someone to advocate for you and your children because she’s clearly not bloody listening.

Child advocacy service could help? I know it would take time to build a bond with your kids, and isn’t a short term fix, but in the long term it might help? DS1 is autistic (all of mine are and me too) and his really helped during a custody scrap with XH.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 12/08/2018 14:07

She said “normal kids” Shock

Guienne · 12/08/2018 14:07

You really need solicitors who can help both with the child protection side and also your children's rights to care from social services. You've been seriously sold short in that respect, and it seems to me that SS themselves have to answer some serious questions about why they've fallen short on their statutory duties. That in turn should be helpful in relation to child protection issues. You may well be entitled to legal aid in your own and/or your children's names.

Could I ask, how much home tuition are your children receiving? Only I know that's another area where councils tend to fall short. They should be receiving at least 10 hours a week each, plus any other therapies they need.

YeTalkShiteHen · 12/08/2018 14:08

she used the words " normal kids"!)

Appalling, absolutely appalling.

Movablefeast · 12/08/2018 14:09

Can you get advice from a solicitor?

Starlighter · 12/08/2018 14:13

No practical advice to offer. Just wanted to say you sound like you’re a brilliant mum doing the absolute best for your kids.

Don’t let SS beat you down. Get some advice. Take a friend or family member for support if you can.

All the best Flowers

Original poster
Wornandweary · 12/08/2018 14:18

Thanks all. Feeling a bit weepy now because you're all being so nice. I'd been getting by on incandescent rage the past couple of days but I don't have the energy today.
I don't know how to do the name highlight thing to respond to particular posts but yes, I can see a solicitor but not before tomorrows meeting. I don't have anyone who can sit in with me but I've insisted the manager brings the ed psych with her because the kids love the ed psych and will feel safer with her there. Needless to say the kids know nothing of these other shenanigans, they just feel unsafe a lot of the time.

OP posts:
YeTalkShiteHen · 12/08/2018 14:21

Ach I’m sorry you can’t get a solicitor before tomorrow, but do you have a friend/family member who could sit in? Just so you’re not totally isolated.

The other thing you raise is a very good point, all of this must be done with your children’s needs taken as absolutely paramount which it doesn’t sound like they’re doing. In fact it sounds suspiciously like a box ticking exercise and muscle flexing.

Missingstreetlife · 12/08/2018 14:28

Can any professional who is involved try to explain that your children have special needs and disability team is more appropriate than child protection? Sec 47 is to enable them to support children in need, not for threatening parents. Idiots. If you had the energy you could make a complaint. Good luck, let us know how you get on.

Guienne · 12/08/2018 14:29

Point out to the manager that under section 17 Children Act 1989 there should have been full care assessments carried out leading to detailed care plans, and ask why that hasn't been done.

Missingstreetlife · 12/08/2018 14:29

Cross post, get meeting postponed until they speak to ed psych

Original poster
Wornandweary · 12/08/2018 14:29

This is what I feel. We've had a series of family workers over the past four years, and all of them have said it was fine that the children didn't want to see them and not to push them into it. They see their tutors, my eldest had a day operation a couple of weeks ago so was seen by lots of health professionals and thoroughly checked over. They are isolated (as am I)which is a major concern but pushing them " out of their comfort zone" (her words again) doesn't feel the right way to solve this. The more my eldest is pushed the further she retreats. She will happily stop speaking and eating if she feels under pressure.
I think I will have to politely cooperate while she's here tomorrow, so that I don't make the kids anxious, and then see my solicitor.

OP posts:
zen1 · 12/08/2018 14:30

This is terrible OP, and I've sorry you've come up against such ignorance about ASD from a so-called professional. Maybe you could go on some recognised Autism websites e.g the National Autistic Society who have a lot of resources (and a helpline) online, and print some basic stuff on how children can be affected by their ASD. Of course your children don't behave like neurotypical children. Can you get the disability team to have a word with her?

Elephant14 · 12/08/2018 14:31

My DD is 15 and has depression, CAMHS are involved. She can't do any of that either - well, she could in theory but in practice she doesn't feel able to. You can see how SS would get excited :( I am in a local support group and one of the ladies there is going through what you are, she's asked for help for years, got nothing, now they have stepped in all SS want to do is look at her and find out what they can "get" her on; her child still has nothing in place BTW.

You need to get some independent support and advocacy - in our area we have various voluntary groups that help - have a look here to give you some ideas (see if there is a SENDIAS near you they are very good):

www.kids.org.uk/sendiass

Keep posting on here OP.

Guienne · 12/08/2018 14:32

Also, did Social Services provide advice for the purposes of the EHCPs? If not, again ask why not. There should be detailed provision for the children's education-related social care needs in Section H of the Plans, which should also detail all the support they're entitled to under section 2 of the Chronically Sick and Disabled Persons Act.