To feel freaked out by this

[Wornandweary]

Sorry, posting here for traffic because I'm really worried about a meeting with social services tomorrow, and could really do with some other viewpoints.
There's so much to this that I don't think anyone could be bothered to read all of it. I'll try to summarise but apologies if I leave something out.
I'm a single parent with two kids (12 and 10) with complicated needs; ASD, severe anxiety, sleep disorders, and sensory issues. Neither of them attend school now and both have an EHCP that provides them with home tuition. They've both had involvement with CAMH which has been long winded and pretty negative and both children now feel very anxious about all forms of therapy. You can imagine from all of this that I've been asking for support for years with varying levels of success. Mostly response has been 'you're doing a great job, there's nothing else we can offer'.
Things have got worse over the past couple of months, and my youngest child's anxiety is very high; panic attacks, phobias and too scared to sleep alone. She had some upset with her dad and has chosen to cut contact, and was very disturbed by some child psychotherapy via camh.
Throughout all this I've had little involvement with social services. Somebody made an anonymous complaint about the children's care about four months ago. (Since it coincided with the trouble with my ex I'm guessing the complaint came from him or my ex mil). I cooperated, they had no concerns, I felt things were going ok and that was that. About a month ago, other agencies were not doing what they'd agreed and I was looking to see what support there might be. I asked for an assessment from social services but was told that there wasn't much they could offer. There was a vague suggestion that if they could get the disability team involved we might qualify for respite. I heard nothing more so asked our family worker to chase it up. Seemingly the social worker has now left so we asked for another social worker to come out, Thursday just gone. She chatted with me, said there wasn't much they could offer and she'd be in touch. So she rang on Friday to tell me she's discussed it with her manager and it's now a child protection issue. I spoke to the manager who says that as my kids won't wash (they do, but they need help), or eat (they do but have sensory issues which make it tricky), or see anyone (they do, but both have extreme social anxiety and hate meeting new people), it's now reached the threshold for section 47(?) and if she wants she can involve the police. I have to now make the children meet with her on Monday, and then agree to whatever she thinks best. How has it gone from "you're doing great, sorry we can't help" to "your kids are at risk of significant harm and we can involve the police"? Do I have any control or choice over what happens from here?

Sorry most of my last post was in response to YeTalkShiteHen. Can I postpone it? I'm scared that's going to lead to police hammering on the door.

I agree about getting meeting postponed tell them you are "taking advice" from other agencies and leave it at that. She could do or say anything tomorrow and you won't have a witness. If you cannot postpone can you get anyone to come in and sit with you?

If she wants to push them out of their comfort zone, suggest she gets a detailed report from CAMHS first as to whether that is a sensible medical strategy and if so how it should be done. Ask if she would demand that a child in a wheelchair be made to walk to "push her out of her comfort zone" and remind her that disability takes many forms.

I don’t know if you can postpone, but I can’t see why not if it’s in relation to getting you and your children more support.

It’s worth trying to postpone, they cannot instigate child protection proceedings without a court hearing to establish grounds. The most they could do would be to request a welfare check from the police (personally I think she threw the police in there to frighten and intimidate you)

So postpone if you can, and make sure that all calls are recorded (you’ll need to tell her they’re being recorded) and hopefully a solicitor will help you to get what you need and that sodding manager to wind her neck in!

Got to say I have no experience of what you're going through but it sounds bloody tough. I just wanted to suggest you get a rough timeline together of the professionals you and your kids have seen, what was discussed / agreed and why, to show clearly that you've been asking for help for a long time. Good luck

Fucking hell. I am SO sorry you’re having to deal with this stupid, stupid woman.

‘Normal’. Jesus wept. Which part of the bloody ark has she been hiding in?

I’d come and sit with you tomorrow if I could, but unfortunately I have several kids coming tomorrow and I can’t rearrange as all the parents are working. If anyone else offers, take them up on it, they’re highly unlikely to be axe murderers.

There must be someone you can ask, anyone is better than no one, and people are often more willing to help than you think.

It’s beyond belief, I really hope you can sort it out tomorrow and out an end to this nonsense and actually get some help. I’ll be thinking of you.

(If it’s all so fucking easy, maybe she’d like to come and stay and show you where you’re going wrong 😊)

🤬🤬🤬

The other thing is (there's always another thing) that because the current EHCPs aren't working well enough their cases are due to be presented to the complex cases review panel (?) in September. SW manager said that was purely about their education but it isn't, it's to join together all the problems with education and physical and mental health. I honestly felt as though I was talking to a brick wall, and that nothing I could say would have any influence.

I’d like to push the silly bitch out of her comfort zone and straight into a disciplinary hearing. She’s so out of order.

sorry i dont have any advice, but just a message to say hope all goes well and thinking of you.

The more I hear about this woman the more I am worried for tomorrow, what time is she due OP?

Also are you able to say which part of the country you are in e.g., north west, south east - can you say that much - so we can google possible support for you?

You can ask for a different SW to deal with your case, especially given the numerous times this godawful woman has given you misinformation and half truths.

If you’re up to it (I don’t mean that in a patronising way, I’m just well aware that you’re exhausted fighting for your children to be heard) I think you definitely have grounds for a formal complaint.

If she really thinks an EHCP is solely about education, she's stunningly stupid. What does she think that the "C" stands for, for goodness sake?

I'd suggest you try and phone a solicitor with expertise in child protection issues first thing to find out specifically your rights with regard to postponing the meeting to get legal advice. If it's a firm that also caters for community care and SEN (e.g. Irwin Mitchell, Simpson Millar) so much the better.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this OP. Have your children had an occupational therapy assessment? They would be able to support with strategies/interventions with regards to self care and sensory difficulties.

I'm in Cambridgeshire. The meeting's at two but I doubt the solicitor could see me before then.
One of the many things that makes me so angry about this is that the reason people get away with her appalling practice is because it's people who are already overwhelmed, emotionally drained, sleep deprived etc who are on the receiving end of it. I want to complain but realistically know that I also need to complain about camh (continual misinformation) and the EHCP (took 6 months to hold an emergency review), and that it's unlikely to happen. If I ever get this life sorted out perhaps I shall start a charity that will complain on another's behalf.

Is the SW taking over your case new?

I'm wondering if it's a case of new SW gets 2nd hand info from old SW and embellishes story to manager to make a good impression of trying to help a family in crisis?
Or that she's totally misinterpreted the report (it all sounds quite normal to me - eyes 13yo autistic ds!) but it is things that show what help is needed and what the carer does (it's pretty much what dla forms ask!)

I agree to ring the number given above.
I then be overly co operative and agreeable and ask things like "I really pleased you're concerned. Can you outline what number of hours support you'll be placing in the home to support my children with these things that they struggle with due to disabilities."

Believe me EVERY sw I've come across has run a mile when actually needing to provide help!

I do think that the shit ones do bank on people being too beaten down and exhausted to fight back OP, I’ve been there.

Hopefully you can get it postponed until you’re ready and armed with the tools you need to fight her off and get your kids what they need.

Reading this through it sounds like the new social worker has returned to her manager and said, 'I haven't seen the the DC but there are concerns about them not eating, washing or seeing anyone outside of the home". I may have misunderstood this but the manager then sounds like she has panicked as all of these issues are red flags for neglect and no social worker wants to have ignored the next child death. In particular it is very poor social work practice not to have seen the DC and spoken to them. There may be good reasons why this cannot happen but they would need to be very good to excuse any SW for not doing this if anything bad happened. This isn't to excuse the ham fisted way the manager is going about things just to try and fill in why she may be so concerned.
In your position I would ask if someone from the disability team or CAMHS can accompany the social worker as there will be a range of issues related to the DC's disabilities. However tempting I wouldn't be confrontational it won't help in the long run, I would however as Pp said have a running list of all of the multi agency involvement with dates and names which you can give to her. Remember even if she is going about it really badly like you she has the safety and best interests of your DC at the front and centre of what she is doing, work on informing and reassuring her.

You need somebody with you. Do not meet them alone.

I do feel for you op. I had to attend an SS meeting years ago and was terrified. One piece of advice given to me was so helpful that I feel I must pass it on to you. Obviously, you are going to be really stressed before the meeting starts:: as you go into the room take a long steadying breath, pull your shoulders back and hold your head high. It is only a small thing but it did calm me and, when I met the eyes of professionals already in the room, I felt on equal ground, I do hope it helps.

The ignorance about what living with learning disabilities actually means on a day-to-day basis among professional staff is astounding.

Can you take a copy of your kids' diagnoses and any DLA awards that acknowledge their disabilities?

Remember this phrase or have one of your own you can repeat as necessary.

"You are talking about what a neurotypical child should do in that situation. Tell me what [a disabled child/child with autism/use your own terms specific to each child] is expected to do in that situation."

Also do take someone else to the meeting. If you absolutely have to be alone, have your phone out of sight but on record make notes and afterwards send an email or typed letter to note who said what and what proposed action would be taken by whom and in what timeframe.

I was going to suggest that you have someone with you at the meeting. I would have offered to be there if you could not find anyone only you are in Cambridgeshire and that is 100s of miles from me. If you cant get anyone to sit in the meeting you could get a small disctaphone type thing out of Argos (I got one) and tell them you want to record the meeting.
I have heard so much trash from Social Workers. I don't know how they get away with it.

If you get DLA or whatever for the DCs that would prove that they can not be expect to reach the usual milestones and that they will manage what they can when they can. Meanwhile you and the DCs should be having help and support and not someone who threatens you with Police visit. That alone shows a lack of understanding. The DCs would possibly be terrified of Police arriving at your house.
Words fail me with that crowd.

Just wanted to say thanks again to everyone posting. I'm taking it all in and making a few notes. Haven't got much chance to post at the moment, but I will keep coming back.

No pressure, we’re here for you as much or as little as you need

Sorry, I don't have much in the way of help, but … I have a child with severe ASD. As soon as diagnosis came we engaged with all agencies we were offered. Within a matter of months we had discharged all but NHS paediatrician (and that was purely because it was the only way we could get a prescription for melatonin). Not only were they incredibly unhelpful, but with some I got the feeling that we were 'a nuisance' … any patient that gave them more work wasn't welcome. We saw an Occupational Therapist who was vile. CAMHS were terrible. One 'expert' started preaching about child protection - before we had really got to know her. I think she was trying to let us know the 'power' she had … ironically enough she only saw DS once before cancelling or failing to attend every subsequent appointment for various reasons. I do sometimes think these agencies are covering their tracks, sort of letting it be known that they have exercised their power in some way - in case it comes back and bites them on the bum. We could have put in formal complaints about pretty much every 'expert' we were put in contact with … but of course you then worry about things like DLA, EHCP for your child - you may need corroborating evidence from such people. Sorry, I'm going off track! But we had this with paediatrician: 'He won't do X' he can do Y' … yes, but he WILL do X if helped … he CAN do Y but won't … She made everything black or white. From what you say, you have absolutely nothing to fear: believe in yourself - you know better than anyone how your children behave/act.

Totally understand your fear. I was in a very similar position, with the school and CAMHS reporting us to social work as they just didn't understand.

As suggested above I would get advice from help agencies eg Autistic Society. Any supporting letters eg from GP, carer, relatives would help. Is there a local charity who can support you? (Out of desperation I contacted a religious one. It had a lot of experience of the social work department and this helped.)

Also I postponed appointments. Hopefully you can too and it will give you breathing space and time to get advice.

And please remember you're a great mum. (And let them know that too).