to think that you don't need to be smart to raise smart kids?

[CY57]

I'm not particularly smart. Not highly educated. Work in a little shop. Never did well in school etc.

DP is very intelligent. High flyer and not sure what he saw in me initially as we are so different.

I've found life quite hard. Wish I was smart, wish I did well in school. I tried so hard, just didn't grasp it. Still find GCSE level maths difficult. Wish I had a good education and better opportunities.

Am I being stupid to be concerned my DC will end up with my intelligence levels and not DPs?

I know that probably sounds awful but I was so badly bullied for being stupid in school that I'm petrified my child will go through the same. I would love him/her to be smart. Not necessarily academically, just well rounded (which I haven't always been).

AIBU? ☹️

They do say that children get their intelligence from their Mother. I have no idea if it’s true but seeing that I’m the thicko innthe relayionship, it worries me too.

@SleepFreeZone I've read this also (just this morning) and it worries me. Of course I will adore my baby no matter what but I would love them to have better opportunities than I have had.

Your post nearly made me cry OP. I’m sorry you were bullied. I don’t have much advice, but perhaps if you’re aware and concerned you can ensure your kids have the right level of support if needed.

I think it's a mixture of Nature and Nurture, so good gene's obviously give you a headstart but a loving, nurturing, stimulating environment gives those gene's the best chance of full expression. Also people usually pick partners of similar intelligence so you may be being hard on yourself OP! It's quite the compliment to you that an intelligent partner chose you !

You are being unkind to yourself, maybe due to school bullying. Lots of very intelligent interesting people are not highly educated.

I think all we can do is encourage them to do well and hope for the best. My parents were very hands off when it came to my education and extra curricular activities. My DP on the other hand had working class parents who put him through private school. Completely the opposite. So whilst I still think he is cleverer than me I do wonder if I’d have been different given different opportunities.

Intelligence and education are two different things. What's more that's not taking into account other abilities. My dd is of average intelligence but very good at art and music.
The important thing is to develop your child's potential whatever that may be and help them find opportunities to shine and enjoy their life. You dont have to be clever to have a happy life and do well, in fact many clever highly educated people are unhappy, and many less clever people are very happy and successful in their field.
It sounds like you put yourself down a lot. Maybe look at yourself first and find your own niche where you can do well and be happy.

I believe that nature and nurture work together. You don't have to be smart to encourage your child to explore and learn new things. Some children aren't naturally smart, but work really hard to learn.

OP you might not have had a great education or much in the way of opportunities and support but you come across as articulate and thoughtful, the quality of your writing is good and I strongly suspect you are very far from thick.

With an involved and loving mother like you, who will clearly do her very best to help her child and give them every opportunity to succeed, they are very lucky indeed.

I think its generally agreed that the main determinant of DCs intelligence is their mother's intelligence.

Having said that, just because you've not had a good education doesn't mean you are stupid. DGM left school at 11 (WW2) but even now in her 80s she keeps her mind going, she's always reading, she tries to keep up with her craft, and she doesn't use a calculator for day to day maths (eg making cakes bigger) like I would. Have you ever thought about doing a (free, fun) course at your local FE college, just to give your self esteem a boost - my DM (housewife for the last 25yrs) did a video production course where they all made 10 minute DVDs at the end and really enjoyed herself.

Plus being academically smart isn't the be all and end all, I'm 'book smart' but I was bullied at school and didn't make good friends till my teens, I'm also fairly anxious and not at all competitive so I've had a very average career. DBro, more average academically, but more hard-working tbh is more successful.

No it's not a given that you get your intelligence from your mother. You don't say how old your dc are, but the best advice I can give you is to read to them and with them lots. Make books and conversation essential parts of your family life so that you raise children with an interest in the world around them. And don't put yourself down -your dh chose you; the fact that you found maths hard at school doesn't negate all your doubtless good qualities and abilities

Intelligence and education aren't the same thing, the one is innate, the other something that anyone (at least in theory), can have and either make the most of, or not.

Your DC aren't doomed OP and you sound very down on yourself - please don't let the words of those old school yard bullies taunt you in adulthood. We can't all be geniuses, nor does life need us to be, but kind, empathetic and interesting people are always welcome anywhere - I'd aim to be and to raise the latter. Encourage your DC to have enquiring minds and to work hard at developing what talents they have, that way they will follow their interests and hopefully have fulfilling lives doing something they love. If they are bright that will help them, but it takes all sorts for the world to go round and intelligence isn't everything.

There are qualities other than intelligence; kindness, perseverance, diligence, honesty, loyalty, fairness. These are just as important, if not more important than intelligence.

Just anecdotally I don't think my husband is more intelligent than me. He often asks me for help with wording emails and I have better general knowledge than him. He earns in the region of £100k per year. Before I was made redundant I was earning £28k. So it doesn't always follow anyway.

You sound more well rounded than those bullies op. Be kind to yourself.

My lovely friend keeps saying she’s thick and was rubbish at school - she’s not. One of her DD’s has finished first year of degree with a first and other has Had some jobs in hugely competitive companies.

Intelligence and education are over-rated when it’s comes to life success.

Resilience, drive, perseverance and work ethic are much more important.

Ps if you need further reassurance snopes has an article pointing out the (huge)flaws in the viral reports on the Internet and in mainstream media that children get their intelligence from their mothers.

It looks as though my DS is going to be pretty special when it comes to maths … like his DF. I failed my maths O Level twice, then gave up. So he definitely doesn't get that from me! I think it's not so much about being 'smart', but recognising the opportunities that may present themselves to your DC and encouraging them in the right direction. For example, there are a lot of amazing sportsmen and women out there whose parents weren't particularly sporty: I presume their parents realised that their child had a special ability and helped them gain the support they needed in order to succeed. Your DC are already a step ahead of some, because you clearly care about their future and will support them no matter where their ability lies.

Also your spelling and grammar are better than a lot of people's so I really doubt you're thick at all. Maybe you're just not good at maths? No big deal.

Read to and with your child and take them on adventures to the woods, the beach and park. Take the time to explain what their shadow is and why spiders make webs. Collect leaves and sticks and stones with them.

They'll be just fine

Being supportive and a good work ethic to allow your children to reach their potential matters most. Your post is articulate so I doubt you'd have literacy issues preventing your DCs accessing books at a young age. No one knows everything. My 7 yo has different interests to me, so sometimes we look things up together to satisfy his questions. Be curious. Chat. Stimulate their minds.

Being "intelligent" can be quite a specific thing. DH has a PhD but struggles to read picture books aloud to the DCs (dyslexia was not widely known of in his school days, he was just a "late developer"). As other PPs have said, there are many characteristics that are useful in helping people to be successful. Having a mother who cares is very important

Genetic makeup is 50:50 from each parent but mothers tend to be first and primary educators of children. It’s mothers attitudes and efforts that create the child’s attitudes and efforts.
Lazy parenting results in underachieving children. If you want successful children in the commonly accepted sense of the world (rather than just happy children) you have to work at it from birth. It’s not about the parents level of education it’s about the parents support for their children’s education.
Singing nursery rhymes, using rich vocabulary, being involved in play, going to the woods and beach, reading daily, counting and playing with patterns, baking, allowing boredom and failure are all vital lessons to set them on the right tracks.

OP - you don’t what the future holds, none of us do. I think you’re hard on yourself.

My parents are a great example of this, my mum hasn’t any qualifications, and left school at 15 because my GPs needed her to get a job and help support her younger siblings (not ideal by any stretch but that’s the way it was in the deprived towns in the 60s). However, these experiences seem to have given her an good education from the university of Life. She has a great ability to judge situations, realise exactly what is going on and then take the appropriate action. Incredibly savvy and worldly-wise.

My dad however, has a masters degree in chemistry, earns six figures and is highly intelligent. However I have also seen him take huffs and go in moods when he feels slighted - sometimes quite emotionally immature and does not use a lot of common sense at times.

I would say that you should teach your DC the importance of hard work and always trying your best, but that if exam results etc don’t go their way, there are always always other options. Vocational courses, apprenticeships, further training etc. You can fix a knowledge gap, but it is far harder to fix an attitude gap.

Really good points Stella about different kind of intelligence - my family are similar.

DM left school at 16 and went to secretarial college, but her English is better than my DSF's and he has a 1st from Cambridge. She also speaks good French, learned as an adult, and has very good general knowledge - she knows all kinds of stuff about gardening, classical music, history, food, the countryside, wildlife, pets and is a good conversationalist - she can chat to anyone about a range of topics.

DF went to Cambridge and is bright and had a very successful legal career, but he has no common sense and can't change a light bulb and lacks emotional intelligence.

DSF is even worse - worked as a GP his whole life - very good at what he did and ran all kinds of committees and is now mayor of their town - but general knowledge is crap, his interests are very narrow and modern life baffles him!

OP, I am fairly intelligent, XH used to refer to himself as thick/stupid, but he bunked off school quite a lot.

I have told DC that I just expect them to put in as much effort as they can and to be the best that THEY can be. I don't expect them to be top of the class. I am not a pushy mum, I just want them to do the best that they can and that's all.

There are so many vocational courses out there, that there is something for everyone. Due to my background I didn't go to college or Uni, but ended up with a degree equivalent qualification in my 20's via my job.

Have you looked into adult literacy and numeracy classes in your area? It was a few years ago now and things may be different, but when DC was young, you could take free City & Guilds courses equivalent to GSCE Grade C in Maths and English via your local college or Childrens Centre. A lot of us did them as a refresher course so that we could understand the DC's homework.

Look into ‘fixed’ vs ‘growth’ mindset.

If you show interest in learning your children will follow. I have a few friends who I wonder how they’ve made it to the age they have, and their children are as dim as they are sadly because their parents have no interest in learning anything new.
They ask me stupid questions and I tell them to find the answer on google because they might actually learn something.

If you don’t know the answers to your children’s questions, look them up together and always tell them how important discovering new things is because you never stop learning things even as an adult.