to think that you don't need to be smart to raise smart kids?

[CY57]

I'm not particularly smart. Not highly educated. Work in a little shop. Never did well in school etc.

DP is very intelligent. High flyer and not sure what he saw in me initially as we are so different.

I've found life quite hard. Wish I was smart, wish I did well in school. I tried so hard, just didn't grasp it. Still find GCSE level maths difficult. Wish I had a good education and better opportunities.

Am I being stupid to be concerned my DC will end up with my intelligence levels and not DPs?

I know that probably sounds awful but I was so badly bullied for being stupid in school that I'm petrified my child will go through the same. I would love him/her to be smart. Not necessarily academically, just well rounded (which I haven't always been).

AIBU? ☹️

My cousins son is very artistic like mum. Her daughter is very mathematical like dad. Don't think there is a specific pattern. All kids are different.

You don't sound stupid, just not confident, you write well. You must have something special or dp would not be with you. Education is not the same as intelligence, common sense can be more useful. Many famous, successful, rich people didn't do well at school. Many bright ppl v stupid, look at the government.
Read to your children, encourage them to talk about things, value them for who they are. They may be bright or not, be glad if they are healthy. You will still love them even if they have or develop special needs, and like you they will still have lots to offer.

Well, my Mum definitely wasn't that bright -- loving and caring but a bit fluffy and scatty.
I was an early talker/reader; my Dad was the clever one and always told me I was good enough to go to University, this at a time when only 5 pct of school leavers did so. So I don't think I inherited her intelligence level but home life was (gently) geared towards a good education - 11+, O and A levels then degree.
My DS is brighter than me, I think. He went to a better university and got a better degree than me although he hasn't done better career-wise - yet. But he has years ahead of him and I have peaked. and have now left the rat-race
A supportive home life that values all-round education (not just at school) is paramount, I think. So it sounds as if your DC wll be just fine, OP.

My long dead mother had virtually no formal education. Her dad died when she was 4 and she spent years away from home with TB. She read novels and did arithmetic to do my dads book keeping and was a SAHM
She cooked without recipes, looked at dresses in shop windows and made them, did all sorts of jam, pastries etc, made her own ?hock from soaking pigs heads and budgeted like a demon.
Her general knowledge was v poor
She was a great mum
I've lost my point now as becoming tearful......

I’m smart OP. Gifted in fact, to the point my parents used to harass me to apply for Mensa.

All my life I have been lonely. I dot, and have never connected, with others. I’ve always felt like a spectator, watching the lives of others through a thick pane glass, that I can never actually break through. Even as a child I never related to other children, and felt like an outsider. I have never really had friends. And I was never really a child either. Not in the sense others were.

I’ve suffered from anxiety since I was six years old. I can remember thinking that we were a simulation but not having the emotional maturity to deal with it and it triggering endless existential crises. My anxiety turned into depression that I have suffered with since I was about 14.

I dropped out of university because the stress of exams sent me into breakdowns severe enough to involve crisis teams and I couldn’t put myself through it. Despite knowing my intelligence, I never truly feel good enough and I feel like an alien compared to everyone else.

I can only work part time and some days can’t even get out my house.

OP you are lucky. A high IQ is a fucking curse. It’s been suggested I’m autistic which I think is likely, but that’s a separate, albeit related issue.

Intelligence comes in many forms - it is not always academically measurable! Just because you didn't do well at school, does NOT mean you are unintelligent.

You might be great at making conversation, artistic, musical, athletic, or just kind-hearted salt of the earth, and a perfect listening ear. Who knows? But there are hundreds of qualities to a person far more superior than being able to complete GCSE maths. Don't hide your light under a bushel.

Intelligence and education are two different things. Book smarts can be acquired but intelligence can't. Intelligence is about intuition, perception and understanding and bringing up dc without those is far more harmful to them than a parent not having a bunch of academic qualifications. You sound like a pretty intelligent person to me, OP, even if you find the book learning stuff difficult, you can still encourage your children to work hard and study at school and if they're struggling with a given subject, you can seek out help for them in that area.

@theStoic that’s exactly what I was logging on to suggest.

Intelligence/skills aren’t fixed. I imagine this idea that ‘intelligence comes from the mum’ is because, typically, it’s the mum who spends the most time with children in the formative years and the things you do with your children and the resources they have available in the home, can enable (or not) growth mindset. Having books and encouraging reading, for example, has a massive impact on attainment in primary aged kids. Doing activities that encourage challenge, resilience and problem solving also help. Regardless of your thoughts on your own education, the fact that this is even on your mind shows an awareness and ability to improve your child’s development. So, for example, reading and access to books, visiting the library for a breadth of reading material, toys at home that develop spatial awareness (especially important for girls - Lego and other construction toys shouldn’t be just for boys!), jigsaws to develop problem solving and resilience, strategy games etc. Trips out to museums, galleries etc.

So, yes. I agree that you don’t have to be smart to raise smart kids. I think it’s more important to present your kids with opportunities to develop their skills than to be smart yourself. (I also don’t think intelligence is the be all and end all, but I’m just answering your OP).

As mentioned by a previous poster it's a mixture of nature vs nurture. So some intelligence is inherited from BOTH parents, but also environment plays a role, so their schooling, how much value go out in education and reading etc.

Plus what intelligence actually is is an argument in itself. People can be intelligent at all sorts of things, including emotional intelligence, it isn't just about academia.

Read to your children from a young age, choose good schools, and put value in learning. Take your children to museums, etc.

What is intelligence really OP? It’s a grey area and I think you have a poor view of yourself due to bullying. Some people are so so at school but go on to be successful. I was nothing special at school but have managed a successful career...sometimes school just doesn’t click for some people for whatever reason and this certainly is not the only measure of intelligence.

Honestly don't think you could write as you do if you weren't smart. If I were you I'd look into the reasons why you didn't do well at school more. Just as an example, when I'm anxious I can't take things in very well, as I can't concentrate. If I was bullied in school I would have been very anxious! When my DF died my very intelligent bilingual teacher DM couldn't follow more than 3 sentences, by the time somebody had got to the fourth, she'd forgotten the first 3.

There are so many different forms of intelligence out there, and many different learning styles. I can't sit through a YouTube video and would rather read instructions, DH will go for the video every time.

Dyslexia, dysgraphia, discalculia and dyspraxia will affect academic performance. Often a highly intelligent person with one of those will be intelligent enough to compensate for it and won't get the help they need.

You are being very hard on yourself. While there is a genetic aspect, there is a huge environmental on where children are nurtured and loved and stimulated to be the best they can be, They don't have to be academic superstars, just reach their potential and be happy in life

I also think you are being very hard on yourself OP. I'm sorry you were bullied and that the bullying had such an effect on your self esteem. No doubt if you had been in a more supportive environment you would have achieved more academically.
Pps have suggested that parental attitude is more important that genetics for achievement and I think this is true. Because of your bad experiences you might have a harder time than most engaging with your DC's school. If it's too hard to be around that environment you could ask your DP to take the lead in that aspect of parenting.
One positive is that you will be very aware of the effects of bullying and I'm sure you'll be a great advocate for your kids safety and happiness.

My Dad is very intelligent - Physics PhD. My mother doesn’t even have GCSEs or whatever they were back then.

I was a straight A with no effort required student. But I didn’t go to University as a teen due to mental illness - manic depression - however I am going now at age 32 as a single parent with 3 D.C. in tow.

My D.C. - one of my ex’s is a C student after much effort was put in and our D.C. have been classed as gifted since starting Year 1 My other ex - PhD Chemistry. Our toddler is, well, a feral, irrational, poo smearing toddler

Nature? Nurture? Who knows. My D.C. attend a small, undersubscribed ‘good’ primary rather than local private which is where most of my family think they should be However it wouldn’t suit their personalities at all.

@abitoflight your mother sounds wonderful

I know this probably won't help you, but as someone who was considered hugely intelligent at school, I personally think it's far best to be average.

As a 'gifted' child, I was constantly praised for my innate talent rather than for hard work - I was able to produce higher quality pieces of schoolwork than my classmates with very little effort. I therefore learnt to coast at a very early age.

When you become an adult, there are no prizes for talent - talent/intelligence are nothing without hard work and resilience. I had to learn these skills in adulthood, which meant that my more 'average' classmates, who'd learnt the value of hard work at school, had a head start.

About being bad at maths- I had a very hard time with it as a teenager, then had to take a maths course as part of my degree (I actually did it by distance so I had to teach it to myself). I found it FUN. I couldn't believe it! My theory is that my brain matured so I was able to take it in. I don't think I was ready for it as a teenager.

Also my DD Definitely has her father's logical brain. My DS thinks more like me. So 50/50 gene-wise in our family.

Well Dh and I are both in skilled manual trade, DD1 super bright off to Oxford. DD2 Super selective grammar very good grade forecast for A levels. DS struggles with academic studies. Will do very well to leave with 5 low passes at gcse

Refuse to believe it's the way they were brought up. They have all had the same encouragement/opportunities. All you can do is your best. Exam results are not the be all and end all. You can have a perfectly good career without being super bright

I don't think you have to have a high IQ. What helps a lot is if you care about education and your children can see you caring. If you can be interested in the work they do at school, help them to set themselves high but achievable goals etc all the better. What doesn't work is obviously hating maths, for example, and then sending DC to do hours of maths homework while you watch TV. You do have to lead by example.

I stopped being able to help my children with maths homework when then were about 8. That's how dense I am. Both of my children are clever, got A levels and degrees and have good jobs. Their dad has no qualifications at all. I have a few GCSE's. No idea where the children got their brains from but I made sure that they knew school was very important and they had to do homework before they did anything else.

I don’t think intelligence comes from the maternal side , me and my 3 sisters all have different levels of intelligence, I who my mother recently said was thankful I was practical as I was the less academic one still got a degree ( sisters got masters) but I ended up with a better paid job than both of them and am generally more content with my life .
My DH also has 2 siblings with differing academic intelligence but all of them completed school and 2 got degrees - their mum left school at 14 . He also has the best paid job of any of our siblings and arguabley a very ‘hard ‘ job .

Intellegence wise my oldest ds is way more academic than I am , always has been and was picked up as gifted at nursery . Hasn’t necessarily done him and good as he has no resilience when he finds things hard .

Best thing for your kids is to nurture their confidence and happiness give them an environment they can reach their potential in .

My DH is much, much smarter than his mum and dad and they didn't stimulate him because they didn't like that he was doing so well. Both my brother and me clearly get our brains from our dad. Mum was socially very intelligent but not academically. So I don't know why they always say that you get your brains from your mother because I believe that there are more factors at play.

I believe Lewis Hamilton’s parents are from pretty humble backgrounds so are lot of brilliant child prodigies

Serina and Venus Williams are from normal backgrounds just father wanted better for them

OP, I agree with the others, you’re being too hard on yourself. You write thoughtfully and articulate yourself clearly. You are not stupid - sorry to hear about the bullying

Our parents aren’t smart in the sense of being well-educated, but my siblings and I all went to University, and my sister in particular is highly intelligent (scored top of her class and is now doing a PHD in maths). I think it must be nurture - we were never ‘pushed’ or given extra tuition etc, there was just good discipline and the expectation to do well in whatever we did.