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AIBU?

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Original poster

Was I too harsh?

55 replies

Flightsocks · 12/08/2018 10:40

Need some opinions as I'm not sure if I'm over reacting.

DD is 2.5. DS is 6 months.

This morning DH got some of DDs old baby toys out of the loft for DS to play with. There was an activity table, activity gym and a walker.

I laid DS under the activity gym and DD started playing with the walker. She came over to where I was with DS and drove the walker past him, quite close to his head. I told her not to do that as she nearly hit DS. She then adjusted her course and drove it into his head with some force. He cried and I told her off.

I asked her to say sorry, which she did, but I then took the walker and put it into my bedroom and shut the door so she couldn't get it. I told her she could have it back later. I intended this to be a punishment but also I was making sure she couldn't do it again.

She threw a tantrum and started kicking my door to try and get into the room. I stood firm and told her she could have it back later.

DH hears her tantrum from the garden and comes in. Once I explain whats going on he opens the door, gives her the walker and then takes her downstairs to watch youtube, her favourite activity. I can normally distract her from a tantrum but DH didn't give me a chance to do that.

He says my punishment was too harsh as shes only 2.5 and that I shouldnt have had DS on the floor if she had the walker.

I'm cross that he's undermined me in front of her, rewarded her with youtube, and why should DS not be allowed to play with a toy he was enjoying because shes being naughty?

For context we do have a problem with DD hitting at the moment. She does it for attention but just telling her off isn't stopping it.

So, was my punishment too harsh? And am I justified in being cross with DH for not backing me up?

OP posts:
dentydown · 12/08/2018 10:42

No you were not harsh. You need to stand together with punishments because 10 years down the line it will be hell! (I speak from experience from being constantly undermined)

DartmoorDoughnut · 12/08/2018 10:43

You were spot on and he’s being a Disney dad

Emilizz34 · 12/08/2018 10:47

No you weren’t harsh at all. How has she been generally since your ds was born. Do you think that she could be feeling jealous/insecure?

Jammydodger81 · 12/08/2018 10:48

YANBU.

That was the perfect punishment, she was hurting her brother with the toy so the toy gets taken away. Direct cause and consequences which is important when they’re so little. DH was awful for giving it back to her, look at the lesson she has learnt:

Do what I want
Mummy (the bad guy) will punish me
I throw a tantrum
Daddy (hero) will come and rescue me

Sometimes children need to be corrected in their behaviour and yes, sometimes they don’t accept that lesson gracefully, especially at 2.5. You can’t just back down straight away for an easy life or you will continually be doing it and god help you when she’s still behaving that way at 13!!

Lethaldrizzle · 12/08/2018 10:50

My dh is more disciplinarian than me because of his upbringing so I often disagreed with his punishments. And our kids have turned out fine so I don't believe in that parents must stick together stuff - but yes I do think that punishment was a little harsh but not awful

Booboostwo · 12/08/2018 10:51

You were not harsh at all. She got a warning and still hit her brother on purpose. She had an immediate and effective consequence, ie. no more walker. This is the best way for her to learn, you hit others with a toy, the toy goes away.

She then had a tantrum, it happens, she’s a toddler.

SisterNotCisTerf · 12/08/2018 10:55

I’m a big fan of logical consequences. The logical consequence of her miss using the toy is having the toy removed. You were exactly right. Your DH needs to have a think about why he did that. Does he just want a quiet/easy life?

lornathewizzard · 12/08/2018 10:57

You did exactly what I'd have done in that situation OP. We have the same age gap (ours are 4 and 2 now).

It's tough in the first year, but I cannot understand your DHs reaction at all. Totally undermined you, nevermind rewarded DD for bad behaviour (twice over by giving the toy back and YouTube time)

Smellbellina · 12/08/2018 10:58

You were spot on, he was massively unreasonable to undermine you like that.
Kids that age, especially with a new baby to get used to, do push the boundaries.

Illfindmywayhome · 12/08/2018 11:01

You were dealing with the situation in exactly the right way. Your dh has undermined you, rewarded a child’s tantrum and this ultimately will lead to worse future behaviour from your dd. Flowers for you op you’ll have to pull him up on this. If you’re not a united front they’ll run rings around you!

Babysharkstuckinmyhead · 12/08/2018 11:03

YANBU The punishment was spot on.

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 12/08/2018 11:09

Your DH needs to understand that by 2 and a half she's old enough to know that 'no' means no.

DH and I are often on different pages when it comes to behaviour; he works away frequently so when he's home he's less likely to be strict simply because he's conscious that he wants his time with the DCs to be 'happy' while I'm the day-to-day rule bearer. However, we've had to learn to work together and not undermine one another as children are pretty quick to spot those chinks in your armour and use them for their own gain. Speak to your DH when you're both calm and quiet, and work out a set of basic 'rules' that you both expect your DC to adhere to.

BewareOfDragons · 12/08/2018 11:15

Your DH is a dick. Actively undermining you by giving your DD treats because mean mummy actually thought it was ok to take away a toy as punishment for deliberately bad, harmful behaviour.

Wow.

Imagine what that's going to look like very soon: wonderful daddy, mean mummy, while you do all the grunt work.

I'd be insisting on parenting courses for both of you immediately or your marriage may not survive this type of behaviour.

Original poster
Flightsocks · 12/08/2018 11:16

Thanks for all your replies.

I've been guilty of expecting too much of her in terms of her behaviour in the past so I'm glad I seem to have this right.

I think DH just hates to see her upset but doesn't understand the difference between that and a tantrum because she hasn't got her own way. I'll speak to him about it properly later when they're in bed and hopefully he'll see my side. He has history of low level undermining me i.e. giving her something after I've said no, so we definitely need to get on the same page.

DD is generally very loving and protective of DS but she definitely struggles with no longer being the centre of attention. DH was a SAHD to her when I went back to work so she had him all to herself for 2 years. She's had to adjust to having DS here, me home on mat leave and DH out of the house more doing self employed odd jobs to support us whilst I've been off. I've been EBF as well so there has been a lot of times where she's been left to entertain herself whilst I've been feeding.

I'm back to work next month and DH will be SAHD again but to the both of them. It'll be another adjustment for her but I'm worried DH may take the easy route with her behaviour for a quiet life

OP posts:
Broussard · 12/08/2018 11:23

I think you were too harsh and he's right, you should not have left a baby on the floor and given a toddler a newly discovered walker. Anyone could have told you what would happen.
She's still a baby as well. And he's not a dick for parenting differently to you, you don't get to tell him what to do.

Witchend · 12/08/2018 11:23

At 2.5yo she's more than capable of understanding what she did was wrong.

However I wonder if she saw them as "her toys" being given to the baby. Did you say "these used to be yours" or similar?

I remember with dd2, when I was pg with ds. Dd2 hated the buggy. Never went in the buggy without a fight, and by the time she was about 20 months we pretty much ditched the buggy. I got it out when she was just over 3yo to clean it for the new baby. She took one look at it and said "that baby is not going in my buggy".
She wasn't actually bothered when he was here, but it was a bit of a possessive moment I wasn't expecting.

YeTalkShiteHen · 12/08/2018 11:26

Broussard I’m with you, I’d have lifted the baby the first time.

Nanny0gg · 12/08/2018 11:27

He might hate to see her upset, but how does he feel about his son with a head injury?

She could have done quite a bit of damage.

Your DH needs to grow up and be a parent

JellyBears · 12/08/2018 11:28

Nope you were 💯 right. It’s an argument I often have with Nanny employers tying to get them to back me up.

Your husband needs to back you up 💯 if he’s not doing it’s going to end badly.

Nanny0gg · 12/08/2018 11:28

And he's not a dick for parenting differently to you, you don't get to tell him what to do.

He's a dick for undermining his wife in front of their children.

And he's effectively told her what to do.

Broussard · 12/08/2018 11:29

If his son had a head injury it would be his mothers fault, not the TWO YEAR OLD.

Honestly this is classic: you have a new tiny baby and you think your first baby is now a hulking monster who knows exactly what they are doing. She is TWO years old. It's the OP who messed up here.

misskatamari · 12/08/2018 11:33

You were maybe a little harsh, but that's really beside the point as it's what you had decided, and told dd. Dh should not have undermined you - that's just storing up way more problems along the way. He should have supported your decision and raised it with you afterwards, now all dd has learnt is that if she tantrums enough daddy will give in and give her what she wants

ems137 · 12/08/2018 11:33

I speak from enduring a whole year (and still counting to a degree) of behaviour like this from my almost 3 year old.

Sometimes they need to realise that their behaviour has consequences. You gave her a warning then she hurt someone on purpose. That's not on at any age is it?

My 1 year old is confidently walking and able to fight back a little bit now so isn't totally defenceless. Some days i had constant issues like this though

YeTalkShiteHen · 12/08/2018 11:33

Your DH needs to grow up and be a parent

The parent who wasn’t in the room when a completely predictable and preventable thing occurred is the one at fault?

Okaaaaaay Hmm

Broussard · 12/08/2018 11:41

You gave her a warning then she hurt someone on purpose. That's not on at any age is it?

Shes two and a half. She has no real concept that other people have feelings or feel pain. She doesn't really understand that the baby is a person like her and not a toy.
TWO AND A HALF people. Get a grip/

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