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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Was I too harsh?

55 replies

Flightsocks · 12/08/2018 10:40

Need some opinions as I'm not sure if I'm over reacting.

DD is 2.5. DS is 6 months.

This morning DH got some of DDs old baby toys out of the loft for DS to play with. There was an activity table, activity gym and a walker.

I laid DS under the activity gym and DD started playing with the walker. She came over to where I was with DS and drove the walker past him, quite close to his head. I told her not to do that as she nearly hit DS. She then adjusted her course and drove it into his head with some force. He cried and I told her off.

I asked her to say sorry, which she did, but I then took the walker and put it into my bedroom and shut the door so she couldn't get it. I told her she could have it back later. I intended this to be a punishment but also I was making sure she couldn't do it again.

She threw a tantrum and started kicking my door to try and get into the room. I stood firm and told her she could have it back later.

DH hears her tantrum from the garden and comes in. Once I explain whats going on he opens the door, gives her the walker and then takes her downstairs to watch youtube, her favourite activity. I can normally distract her from a tantrum but DH didn't give me a chance to do that.

He says my punishment was too harsh as shes only 2.5 and that I shouldnt have had DS on the floor if she had the walker.

I'm cross that he's undermined me in front of her, rewarded her with youtube, and why should DS not be allowed to play with a toy he was enjoying because shes being naughty?

For context we do have a problem with DD hitting at the moment. She does it for attention but just telling her off isn't stopping it.

So, was my punishment too harsh? And am I justified in being cross with DH for not backing me up?

OP posts:

YeTalkShiteHen · 12/08/2018 11:44

You gave her a warning then she hurt someone on purpose. That's not on at any age is it?

She’s 2.5, her primary carer has switched from Dad to Mum, there’s a new baby, her wee world has been turned upside down.

Stop expecting logical responses from a mixed up toddler who is trying to work through all the massive changes in her life and putting the responsibility on her!

Fang2468 · 12/08/2018 11:44

It seemed kind of obvious that Dd was going to ram the walker into the baby on the floor. I would have removed it for safety reasons and expected dh to agree.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 12/08/2018 11:47

No, you weren't too harsh. I have a bigger gap between DC so DS was a bit older and better able to understand when we got DD, but not that much older. The rule was that any toy or object that was used as a weapon was removed for a week, if it was used as a weapon again after it was returned then it was thrown in the bin.

But also, I tried not to say 'don't do' something as it put the idea into DS's head and he's always been quite impulsive. Instead I would say something like 'see if you can steer it around the edges of the room'.

BalloonSlayer · 12/08/2018 11:59

I laid DS under the activity gym and DD started playing with the walker. She came over to where I was with DS and drove the walker past him, quite close to his head.

This was the point where you should have said to yourself "Whoops, Flightsocks, what were you thinking, letting her have a walker out when DS is on the floor. Now, given that it's not her fault that I made the wrong decision, how do I keep DS safe whilst not upsetting her by taking a toy off her I gave her only a minute ago" and then moved DS.

But what you did was told her not to do that as she nearly hit DS. She then adjusted her course and drove it into his head with some force. He cried and I told her off.

When my DCs were small I found that if I said "you had better not do that again" they did it again straight away . . . I sometimes wondered if all they heard was "do that again." All your DD might have taken in was that a) you were cross and b) it was something to do with hitting DS's head with the walker. But, she reasons, given that she didn't hit DS with the walker and you were cross, perhaps she needs to try harder to hit him and then you won't be cross . . . Sounds odd but small kids don't always think the way we think they do (eg if they run away we get frightened so we shout at them when they come back: we are shouting at them for running away, but they think we are shouting at them for coming back.)

Anyway not harsh for taking it off her, but you were pretty foolish to give it to her when the baby was on the floor in the first place and it's a shame you couldn't have just moved the baby.

Slartybartfast · 12/08/2018 12:05

all sounds familiar and predictable behaviour from a 2.5 year old sibling. were you too harsh? not really. alternatively you could have said, put it away for 5 minutes. but kept an eagle eye. your DH should not have undermined you. He was ok to give her attention that she wanted.

TheStoic · 12/08/2018 12:05

If his son had a head injury it would be his mothers fault, not the TWO YEAR OLD.

So she removed the walker. It’s not rocket science.

Well done, OP. You did the right thing. Your husband just taught your daughter that if she kicks up a fuss with you, he’ll intervene and she’ll get her favourite thing ever.

Slartybartfast · 12/08/2018 12:05

Instead I would say something like 'see if you can steer it around the edges of the room'.

Good plan. positive talking. not negative.

Iamoutragedetc · 12/08/2018 12:06

He's a prick, OP.

YeTalkShiteHen · 12/08/2018 12:11

So she removed the walker. It’s not rocket science

Apparently it is rocket science to realise that lifting the baby out of harm’s way rather than cause a riot after he’s been hurt though

YeTalkShiteHen · 12/08/2018 12:11

would have been the most sensible option that should have said.

Hideandgo · 12/08/2018 12:12

YOur DH has very low expectations of your child. They tend to fulfill your expectations.

Broussard · 12/08/2018 12:13

So she removed the walker. It’s not rocket science

You're right, its not, so why did she wait until after the baby got a whack, when it was obviously going to happen?

It's her fault. He's not a prick for fucks sake, you harpies.

TheStoic · 12/08/2018 12:13

Apparently it is rocket science to realise that lifting the baby out of harm’s way rather than cause a riot after he’s been hurt though

And what would that have taught her daughter?

Parenting is not ONLY harm minimisation. You’re actually going to have to teach your kids stuff at some point.

Slartybartfast · 12/08/2018 12:17

Parenting is not ONLY harm minimisation. You’re actually going to have to teach your kids stuff at some point.

what that babies dont like their heads being banged? I am sure the toddler knows this, she is not daft. I dont think.

Mishappening · 12/08/2018 12:18

I used to work with "problem" children - the one rule that we tried to instill in parents was that IN FRONT OF THE CHILD they must back each other up over discipline, even if they argue about it later. Breaking that rule causes all manner of problems, not least that it makes the child feel insecure - if they can manipulate one parent against the other when it comes to discipline, where are the strong people who protect her when she is frightened?

Your "punishment" was not a punishment - it was a sensible reaction to protect one of your children and teach the other about safety and caring for others.

Your OH was totally out of order; and you need to discuss this together rationally when the children are asleep - if they ever sleep!!

howabout · 12/08/2018 12:18

6 months is too young for the walker and 2.5 is too old. Put it away permanently for another 6 months to avoid a repeat.

I have 19 month gap and couldn't really leave the younger one within unsupervised distance of the older one for her 1st year. She spent a lot of time being carried around in the laundry basket. The older one frequently asked me to park the baby and on occasion suggested the bin might be the best place for her.

Your DH is wrong to be undermining you and rewarding the tantrum but you were wrong to expect your DD not to have the impulse to thump the baby. With lots of my friends with 2.5-3 year gap the older ones are much more accepting of the eating / sleeping / crying baby than my 19 month old was but the green eyed monster comes out in force once the baby starts turning into a person who can play and interact.

TheStoic · 12/08/2018 12:19

what that babies dont like their heads being banged? I am sure the toddler knows this, she is not daft. I dont think

Doesn’t matter that she knows that. NOW she knows she can do it anyway, and Dad will have her back.

YeTalkShiteHen · 12/08/2018 12:19

Parenting is not ONLY harm minimisation. You’re actually going to have to teach your kids stuff at some point

Well aye, but taking your own fuck ups out on them isn’t teaching them anything is it?

It sounds like OP has very little patience with the elder child, and that’s a real shame.

It was a 2.5 year old, dealing with massive life changes, acting out. Not the fucking Texas Chainsaw Massacre take 2!

OP is happy for her DH to be the SAHP, if a man came on here and wrote that his wife was undermining him as a parent (when it was his own muck up that caused the problem) and she was a SAHP he’d get his arse handed to him.

How is it that so many expect a 2.5 year old to have the common sense her mother didn’t have?

heartsease68 · 12/08/2018 12:22

Of course your DH shouldn't be undermining you and you can't let violence go unpunished. At the same time, you're in a bit of a toxic cycle. That was a golden opportunity for your DD to be very naughty and I personally wouldn't have allowed it to arisen, for both their sakes. Once the violence has occurred, I agree you can only issue a sanction and then distract. But leaving a baby on the floor while a hooligan (because they all are at that age) parades around with a walker was not clever.

Slartybartfast · 12/08/2018 12:22

6 months is too young for the walker and 2.5 is too old. Put it away permanently for another 6 months to avoid a repeat.

Very Good point.
Who is the walker for?
no one now, put it away op.

Slartybartfast · 12/08/2018 12:24

i came in from putting the washing on the line to find my 5 or 6 month old the floor, where i left her, and the toddler covering her with cushions!

attention is needed at this age op

Everyoneiswingingit · 12/08/2018 12:24

YANBU your DH WAS! You were dealing with it correctly imo. He wasn't there so should have trusted you. What he did totally undermines you and sends a strong message to your DD that mummy doesn't make the rules, daddy does. Good luck with that when she's 13!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 12/08/2018 12:25

Well tbh I think you're both a bit at fault here.

Your DH should absolutely not have undermined you, your punishment for what your DD did was fair and right; but why on earth could you not have picked the baby up before your DD slammed into his head?
I wouldn't have given her that opportunity, especially if you're having a bit of an issue with her hitting at the moment!

I get that she missed him the first time and you probably weren't expecting her to actually ram him, but you took a big risk leaving him on the floor with her doing what she was doing.

But yes, your DH does need to stop undermining you and giving in to her every time she throws a tanty, that's not clever and will store up trouble for the future.

diddl · 12/08/2018 12:36

I agree both at fault.

Walker should have been removed after it was pushed close to baby.

Dad shouldn't have given it back.

Couldn't she have gone outside with him to do something completely different?

Serenity25 · 12/08/2018 12:41

I totally sympathise with this, am experiencing the same thing with my 2 DD’s.
They have the same age gap as yours, DD1 just about to turn 3, and DD2 has just turned 1.
It’s a difficult time as it is for toddlers, without a new baby coming along!
I do what a pp said, give a warning then if she continues she has timeout, or toy taken away if disagreement is about that.
I’m hoping things will improve soon.

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