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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be niggled by this

99 replies

Goingaway1212 · 12/08/2018 07:08

With a fairly new friend yesterday and at a market stall She liked a picture and asked if they took card as she didn’t have cash
I volunteered the £12, which she took, thinking she would pay me back but we then went for coffee and a snack and she still split the bill and we spent another couple of hours before parting ways and she didn’t pay me back
Annoyed at myself for getting so niggled over £12 but it’s just annoying me that if she did that deliberately, I’m being taken advantage of
Always think it’s a bit cringey to ask for money back, but if someone gave me £ I’d always pay back straight away

OP posts:

TellMeItsNotTrue · 15/08/2018 12:41

This would annoy me, if she had paid for coffee then I would have said don't worry about it if she mentioned the rest of the £, but if she took the money from me and then couldn't even pay for coffee then I would be determined to get that £ back and I would not be so quick to lend money in future

Original poster

Goingaway1212 · 15/08/2018 18:07

Bluntness- she wouldn’t have thought it was a gift no ; as a pp mentioned, she didn’t say thank you when parting ways , or at time
TellMelts- yes , I won’t be so quick to offer in future
As someone upthread said , it’s a good chance to practice assertiveness . As I’ve said, I know it’s only £12 , but it’s just the principle
I couldn’t imagine borrowing money then not buying coffee , or texting about it later

OP posts:

StoneofDestiny · 15/08/2018 18:48

Last year I was 'nominated' to buy a birthday gift for a colleagues' significant birthday and everybody agreed to contribute £15. I had the embarrassment of having to chase 2 people for the money. I'm still waiting? I know it will never come. My contribution ended up as £45 instead of £15!
Never again - money first.

Original poster

Goingaway1212 · 15/08/2018 18:55

StoneofDestiny - Ouch ! That’s far worse than my experience..

OP posts:

StoneofDestiny · 15/08/2018 19:17

Goingaway1212.
Like you say, it's the principle that offends.
You do a favour for someone/a group using your time and petrol - yet some want to be tight wads and leave you carrying the financial can, while the recipient of the gift thinks it's from them too as there names were on the card. (And they have definitely no money worries - but even if they did, I'd be unhappy for them to stick someone else because of it).
Somehow you are made to feel you are in the wrong for asking for the money - til you give up!

Motheroffourdragons · 15/08/2018 19:22

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on behalf of the poster.

AtrociousCircumstance · 15/08/2018 19:29

So she’s said she’ll give it to you when she sees you next - take her at her word, but if she doesn’t produce it then go down the texting bank details route. And/or say when you’re there that she can out the 12 quid towards your ticket.

Original poster

Goingaway1212 · 15/08/2018 19:46

AtrociousCircumstance - I’ve decided that when we meet up I’ll not mention it first and see if she produces it - if she doesn’t, I’ll ask , but then if she still doesn’t I’ll think twice about meeting up again as she’s obviously is definitely delib not producing it ..

OP posts:

SevernWye · 15/08/2018 19:48

I had a colleague like this (she was paid more than me). No money when we went to the canteen, can you get me something when you go to the shop? £2/3 here and there, always too small to make a thing about it but I worked out it was probably £8/10 a week.

Just stopped going for lunch with her or telling her if I was going to the shop.

Called her out on it once and she was very put out.

StarsHollow123 · 15/08/2018 19:59

I think you're being very over sensitive about this. People forget things. You haven't been "taken advantage" of, simply ask for it next time you see her as pp have suggested and like any normal person would. I know you've said you're not sure you want to see her again...quite frankly if you're as tightly wound in RL as you have been on this thread I'd imagine the feeling may be mutual. Try seeing the best in this friend and hopefully they'll do the same.

Original poster

Goingaway1212 · 15/08/2018 20:10

StarsHollow - maybe am being over sensitive but over the years have tried to make myself more assertive and it still gets to me when I’m not
And it may not be that she just forgot

OP posts:

Mumshotel · 15/08/2018 20:26

Just text 'sorry I forgot to get the money back for the frame, do you want to paypal it or do you need me details' x

SevernWye · 15/08/2018 20:27

I don’t think your being over sensitive, it may be the first time this has happened but she could have immediately paid some of it back by paying for your half of coffee and snack.

StoneofDestiny · 15/08/2018 20:27

OP, given your situation is recent I'd say when you meet up 'I could do with that £12 I lent you today'. The response will tell you all you need to know.

I've given up reminding my debtors - no way have they forgotten. Just ignorant tight wads

Mumshotel · 15/08/2018 20:28

Sorry my details. I'm not advocating pirate speak.

Eliza9917 · 15/08/2018 20:54

Did the stall take card?

Why volunteer to give the cash? She could have found a cash machine and gone back if they didn't take card.

Original poster

Goingaway1212 · 15/08/2018 22:53

No, the stall didn’t take card
I automatically volunteered the cash as if it was any of my long term friends we would do that for each other and pay back straight away

OP posts:

almondfinger · 15/08/2018 23:35

What I would do is when you get to the ticket desk at this event. Give her the balance of the ticket price minus the 12 and say 'Just put the 12 you owe me towards my ticket'. Preempt any dodging. If it is an event where cash may be required, for food, drinks, stalls etc. Then bring as much as you need and if asked say ' forgot to get more, have just enough for myself' or something along those lines if she seems to require more cash from you.

I am not mean and my friends and I will argue over whose turn it is to pay. But I bloody hate freeloaders, She may not be one of course, but you will see at this event very quickly if you tell her to just put the 12 towards the ticket.

If she is quick to give you back your money, put it towards the ticket price then all is well, if not find a new friend.

I dont think you are being over sensitive either.

Original poster

Goingaway1212 · 15/08/2018 23:52

Thanks almondfinger, I think basically if she volunteers the cash, she is being genuine
If not , then it’s a bit strange . I think anyone genuine would pay back without having to be asked again

OP posts:

RebelRogue · 16/08/2018 00:03

Will people stop saying "oh I had a friend like this.." . No you didn't!!!
The friend asked the seller if they take card. She didn't ask OP for money or involved her in any way. OP volunteered!!

almondfinger · 17/08/2018 13:25

It's not about the OP volunteering, it's about the not paying it back, or not saying I'll get the coffee and cake and will get the balance at the cash machine afterwards.

Original poster

Goingaway1212 · 17/08/2018 13:37

Agree Almondfinger . Most people would pay it back almost straight away / get coffee and snack

OP posts:

User12879923378 · 17/08/2018 13:41

I would go out with her again if I liked her and if we went for coffee say, "Oh, if you get mine we're square for last time"

goingonabearhunt1 · 17/08/2018 13:52

I think she's being cheeky. Annoys me when ppl do that; they don't have any intention of paying you back and they rely on the fact you're too embarrassed to ask more than once.

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