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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be niggled by this

99 replies

Goingaway1212 · 12/08/2018 07:08

With a fairly new friend yesterday and at a market stall She liked a picture and asked if they took card as she didn’t have cash
I volunteered the £12, which she took, thinking she would pay me back but we then went for coffee and a snack and she still split the bill and we spent another couple of hours before parting ways and she didn’t pay me back
Annoyed at myself for getting so niggled over £12 but it’s just annoying me that if she did that deliberately, I’m being taken advantage of
Always think it’s a bit cringey to ask for money back, but if someone gave me £ I’d always pay back straight away

OP posts:
Grumpyoldblonde · 12/08/2018 14:37

But you should have said, let's head for the ATM and then get some lunch. Of course she should have said that herself but as she didn't...you should also have bought it up at bill split time.

People really need to be more assertive around money. I'm sure it's why so many women get paid so poorly or part of the reason.

FissionChips · 12/08/2018 14:39

You need to take an assertiveness course, I bet you’d gain a lot from it. Don’t go through life allowing people to take the piss.

Twodogsandahooch · 12/08/2018 14:40

For £12 I would text her with your bank details.

For a smaller amount next time I met up I would say why don't you get the coffee as I paid for the picture last time.

For a couple of quid I would do nowt (but remember )

AtrociousCircumstance · 14/08/2018 23:59

So what’s the plan OP?

Original poster
Goingaway1212 · 15/08/2018 06:44

Hi Atrocious- so I sent a text saying if she wanted to prebook tickets and just take the £12 from that , and her reply to that bit of the text was quite casual saying she’d just give it to me next time
Obviously I’m not going to prebook the tickets , we are just going along that day as there are tickets left
Only thing that puzzles me is that when she got home and took the picture out of her bag, she must have known - and if that was me , I’d have sent a text straight away saying “ Sorry forgot I owe u .....” etc but she didn’t and it took me to text more than 24hrs later re the tickets , and as per her reply above , she didn’t apologise and didn’t say she had forgotten
Sorry I know it’s only £12 but when it’s a new friend I guess that’s when u find out what they are like in these ways ..

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 15/08/2018 07:18

If you can't ask for money back, don't lend it.

She should have given it to without having to ask, but it wouldn't have been cringey for you to just casually say "have you got that £12?" as soon as you sat down for something to eat and have her pay for the Coffee/Snack.

If you want to be friends with her, your going to have to be blunt.

Original poster
Goingaway1212 · 15/08/2018 07:36

Birds , I know Going to have to work on that with my life in general Hmm

OP posts:
pandarific · 15/08/2018 08:00

I think it's probably most likely she totally forgot - you've asked for it to remind her and she said she'll give it to you when you next meet up. I think it's a non-issue personally - most people are pretty boring and normal about this kind of thing and are simply a bit forgetful rather than being arseholes trying it on.

Meanderthal · 15/08/2018 08:10

I think she definitely forgot. I don't think its worth losing a friendship over, if she doesn't contact you to mention it by the end of today then use one of the examples given to ask for it. She'll probably be mortified that she forgot!

retainertrainer · 15/08/2018 08:24

I’ve got a friend like this. I’ll often pay over friends or buy tickets etc but we always pay each other back. When we first became friends I would do the same for her but never saw the money again. It’s a kind thing to offer a short term loan but then you’re made to feel tight for asking for it back!

I never ever offer anymore.

ichifanny · 15/08/2018 08:37

Just text and say ‘ oh sorry I forgot to get that £12 off you , in case I won’t see you for a while here’s my bank / PayPal details’
DONE I’ve done that before and it’s caused no ill feelings .

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 15/08/2018 08:44

Hmm. Keep an eye on this. Most people would have got the money out of the bank immediately OP and ime it's those who are reluctant to pay you back that don't. Meet up soon, before you get there text her and say something like " can you bring that cash too please? " hopefully she will!

fc301 · 15/08/2018 09:08

She hasn't forgotten she's a CF!

She doesn't carry cash AND she doesn't do online banking?... I call bullshit

Def text before you next meet "bring that £12 you owe me"

crimsonlake · 15/08/2018 09:13

Did you make i clear when you handed over the £12 that it was a loan and you were not treating her to the picture?

RevRichardWayneGaryWayne · 15/08/2018 10:23

I was about to say the same as CrimsonLake - unless you made it clear at the time it was a loan, and not a treat it might just be crossed wires.

If you weren't clear I would just write the £12 off and consider it a lesson learned to next time say something like "I'll pay for this this now you can get the coffees"

RoseWhiteTips · 15/08/2018 10:29

Remind her - if she needs reminding Hmm - by text. Just ask for it back.

RoseWhiteTips · 15/08/2018 10:29

She took advantage of you. Do not write this off.

RoseWhiteTips · 15/08/2018 10:31

She didn’t forget.

maras2 · 15/08/2018 10:56

RTFF guys.
OP did txt CF and posted about it at 0644 this morning.Smile

Cath2907 · 15/08/2018 11:04

This is me - I'd have forgotten or just assumed I'd give it back to you next time I saw you as I didn't have cash. If you'd asked me to go to a cash machine that day I'd happily have done so. As she didn't get out cash that day and you didn't ask for it back immediately maybe she just assumed that she'd give it back to you next time?? Do you meet up often? If she was expecting to see you in a few days then it would make sense to me that she'd just be expecting to pay you then.

SandAndSea · 15/08/2018 11:51

I agree - definitely don't write this money off. Since she's a new friend and you're thinking of letting her go anyway, this is a brilliant opportunity for you to practise your assertiveness skills as you have literally nothing to lose!

Well done for texting her. Maybe you could follow up with something like, "OK, yes, bring it with you and I can use it to pay for my ticket on the door." (Or whatever you will need to buy that day.) Texting about this now will make it easier to raise it when you see her and limits the chances of her thinking it's a (cf) present. It also gets it straight out of the way when you see her so you can, hopefully, go on to enjoy your time together.

The above assumes that the event is soon. If it's not, you could ask her to send you a cheque.

DMF1305 · 15/08/2018 11:56

Just send her a message with your bank details and say 'Here's my bank details, thought it would be easier for you to pay back that £12 through a bank transfer as you didn't have cash on you the other day'.

Or if you don't want to do that (although I can't see anything wrong with that) then text her & say that next time you meet can she remember to bring the £12 that she owes you. Then next time you meet up, make sure you ask for it & tell her you haven't actually brought any money with you because you were expecting her to pay you the money back.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 15/08/2018 12:09

Just how forgetful are people that on the same day as borrowing money to pay for something you have already forgotten? Confused

arranfan · 15/08/2018 12:12

Send her your Paypal address?

Bluntness100 · 15/08/2018 12:13

It's really hard to tell, maybe she really was thinking it's not a big deal and she'll give you it next time, possibly forgot when you had coffee.

Could she have thought it was a gift though?