Was my MIL having a PA DIG at me or AIBU

[ORlyNow]

My husband isn't sure as he didn't hear the initial exchange and BIL who also didn't hear it thought she was just expressing genuine surprise.

Every time we take our 15 week old daughter to see the in-laws at theirs (every 2 to 4 weeks) she'll cry inconsolably the first one to three hours off and on after arriving despite our best efforts. I read this is fairly common with young babies even with family.

She cries with my husband and I as well during this intial period but more so with the extended family. Sometimes even if they just look at her she'll start crying. My MIL takes it VERY VERY personally even though it's not, it's normal, and she cries with everyone.

I gave my MIL a bottle to feed our crying daughter and she started drinking. I lightly touched my daughter's hand and back to crying. This is normal behaviour for her during this initial period, you just never know what will set her off again. That didn't bother me, other then wishing she felt better ofc.

What bothered me was the moment this occurred my MIL exclaimed in a loud shocked 'joking' tone "Mrs X!!!" "Mrs X!!!" "Mrs X!!!" You'd think I had just given my daughter a bottle of full sugar coke by her shocked tone. I just said something like "Ooops." And how upset she tends to be after we arrive there. Then when my husband and his brother turned around to see what the fuss was about my MIL said to them "She was Fiiiiiine then X touched her and she started screeeeaming." Then MIL repeated variations of that a few times, how fine my daughter was until her evil Mum touched her.

I walked out of the room because I was fucked off my husband didn't say anything to her. It's well known in the family that my MH went to shit after I gave birth and I struggled with thinking I was a bad Mum constantly and would often say it when I screwed up even little things. So I think it was insensitive for her to imply I was shit with my daughter.

I think she was actually happy I caused my daughter cry and she leapt at the chance to villainize me to make herself feel better about our daughter crying upon arrival every visit.

Was she being passive aggressive or am I just being sensitive?

Chances are the baby cried because she had seen mom and WANTED MOM! nothing to do with being upset and not wanting you around quite the opposite

Geez what a uneducated cow that is insult to cows they are probably more tuned into their offspring!

How long was your daughter alone with MIL if it was long enough to cry herself to sleep, couldn't you hear her from wherever you were? My baby is only slightly older and all this crying doesn't sound normal at all unless she's teething very early and coincidentally only at their house. If a baby is overwhelmed from travel or people they need a quiet dark room and cuddles with mum or dad with a feed to settle them.

Other people cuddle our boy in our sight and the moment it gets too much (he starts looking round and might wave or get shaky excited) we take him back and calm him. If he's with anyone else and goes to cry then we take him straight away. Everyone says what a "good baby" he is and I'm sure some have suggested we're a bit over-fussy, but it's linked - he doesn't need to cry because he knows we're there when he wants us. He's recognises some of our family and friends, well enough to be happy smiling at them and playing, but even when he's passed around family we will take him back every 10/15 minutes at least. MIL and my little sister have both had him much longer while I shower, pack, eat etc but we built up his time with them in small increments so he knew I was always coming back and I always leave them a few tasks to fill the time so they don't get bored and he's doing an activity he'd normally do at that time of day (ask for 3 songs, specific teddies or toys for play, 2 books, 10 minutes floor gym time, face wash and moisturise, change of outfit, 20 minutes jumperoo, 10 minutes nursery rhymes etc etc etc). It's also easier for a baby to be left with one person than with many as that's too much stimulation.

My MIL came to stat not long after the birth of our daughter due to my rapidly declining mental state, she came again later as well. So I'd been witness to enough of her interaction with our daughter to trust she wouldn't leave her to cry it out. I was apparently mistaken. We live in a small flat so would have heard if our daughter was crying for too long.

MIL lives in a large 3 storey detached house, guest rooms are on the 3rd floor due to renovation on the 2nd floor.

MIL offered to take over so I could have a rest which I did need but was really just an excuse to get to hold our daughter. So my husband went off to run errands with his brother while I went to take a nap on the 3rd floor, I frequently wear earplugs to sleep when I'm in less familiar places. That's why neither of us witnessed the crying it out.

Why she decided to tell my Mom however boggles the mind.

*stay

You'd have to pay me eleventy billion pounds to drive 2-2 1/2hours with a young baby every two-four weeks. ESPECIALLY if the baby cried/was upset for hours.

I wouldn't do that to myself or my kid.

I'd be willing to do that MAYBE every 2-3 months. IF there was a birthday or some other good reason to go.

Oh god, just stop spending time with your MIL. Anyone who believes that 15wo babies have tantrums has problems you can't fix. If she wants to see your DD she can make the effort to come to you and engage with you and your DD on your terms. At 15w, your baby is still very new, and if you've had MH issues you need to prioritise your bond with DD and stop getting sucked into the drama. She sounds like trouble. Walk away.

And stop putting yourself through 2+ hour journeys just for the sake of keeping the peace - you all need some rest.

your in laws live 2.5 hrs away and you travel up to see them every 2-4 weeks? Thats an awful lot! It's a lot of travel to expect from a small baby. Maybe the crying is because she has found the journey distressing, maybe she is travel sick.

My in laws live a similar distance away and the first few times they met their grandchildren they travelled down. We travelled up once we felt the babies were ready for the journey and I will never forget DS's first journey up because it was so stressful. The idea of doing it every 2-4 weeks is abhorrent!!! We go up about 3 times a year and the y come down about 4/5 .

It's hard to say whether the situation you describe is really that big a deal but I would be expecting them to visit you more now you have a DC. I would definitely be cutting down the number of visits to them and if they want to see DC they can stay in the local premier inn

My baby is only slightly older and all this crying doesn't sound normal at all

excited i know your post wasn't unsupportive but you can't honestly believe that just because your baby doesn't cry much he OP's baby is abnomal? Lots of babies cry and many of them cry a lot!

(ask for 3 songs, specific teddies or toys for play, 2 books, 10 minutes floor gym time, face wash and moisturise, change of outfit, 20 minutes jumperoo, 10 minutes nursery rhymes etc etc etc)

@garethsouthgatesmrs - ORlyNow clearly loves her baby and doesn't want her to cry; someone has been telling her this level of crying is normal and her baby daughter somehow needs to just get over it, but she needs to know it's unusual to back up using the strategies that can avoid it. Mine isn't the only baby I've met; we meet up with a lot of other new mums where everyone talks about how their baby is feeding, sleeping, trips they've taken etc. Babies with colic cried in the evenings, teething babies have issues, babies get overstimulated etc. In fact we have talked a few times about how to calm our babies when they get overstimulated because that's common, but nobody's baby cried for 3 hours when they travelled somewhere (or I can't imagine why they wouldn't have said so when they explicitly describe it). A baby just isn't handling the situation when it's started crying - it's saying it wants dark, quiet with just mum and feeding with cuddles.

@ORlyNow - I can understand you feeling so let down when you'd seen her with the baby before like that. It's one incident and you're right to be angry but your daughter won't remember nor be damaged by this one time, it's good for setting out boundaries and expectations for the future. I'd be horrified if my MIL did this and would let her know it's not what we are doing and she needs to earn back trust that she will look after the baby in the way we ask to get any alone time. At least next time you can be confident in saying you need to take the baby away from everyone to nap with you, then both go back into the group refreshed.

How has your dh reacted to this?

Your MIL is right about those C type batteries, they cost a fortune

Don’t go and see her for a very long time and tell her the exact reason why - she doesn’t seem to be very good with babies

... YANBU. I have a 14 who myself and my family are a bit further from you, I haven visited home yet. What you do is obviously what's best for you and your family, personally I've been building up journeys bit by bit so they're not so overwhelming to me (not the baby, for me) and I'm learning what's what every time. FWIW if you want to make these visits can you make an hour of transition time where you arrive at the ILs, take the baby in and just have a rest for an hour before saying hi to family? Feed/change etc... unknown it's a bit odd but just for the next few visits while your baby is still very small, it might help?

She sounds like a very insensitive person. I'd want to watch all her interactions with my child.

She sent her son to boarding school so she’s not going to be one for baby led care is she!

Let her visit you and tell your husband to help you clean the house if he’s ashamed of it. If it is spotlessly clean (few of us manage that with a young baby!) and it’s just his mum being a bitch, then he needs to tell her she isn’t welcome if she can’t keep her opinions to herself.

I think your daughter is probably fed up from the journey and being cooped up in the car seat and is then picking up on the understandable tension from all of you.

When you do start visiting again (I wouldn’t for a while) try and make sure you are breathing from your stomach and watch you aren’t tensing your body or face.

2.5 hours is a

Just stop going. It distresses your baby , and your MIL is either clueless or deliberately trying to sabotage your mental health.

If DH wants to see his family more frequently, arrange to meet halfway in between for a pub lunch every few weeks.

2.5 hours is a long journey if your baby doesn’t like it. I just wouldn’t do a journey unless the benefits outweighed the ordeal. If you were in desperate need of sleep and could have a lovely relaxing few days it might be worth it, but it doesn’t sound that way.

My first was happy on trains and with new people, but hated the car. My second (6 months now) is happier at home, and is happier just with me. My mil gets upset about this and I get the blame, but it’s ridiculous as I’d love to be able to hand a happy baby over so my arms could have a rest. I have always been quick to hand babies over to grandma for a cuddle for as long as they enjoy it. It’s very daft to be offended by a baby wanting its mum.

It’s really a very brief time when they’re this little. I’ve jumped through hoops to please others and realised it’s not appreciated, so I try to take it easier now. Your partner needs to handle his family, though. There’s no need for you to be in the middle. He can just tell them it’s too difficult to visit, as the baby hates the car. At this age I think it’s just easier to go with the baby’s preference as they can’t really handle anything else. In laws will spend time with a happy baby if they come to yours and take it at the baby’s pace.

Oh op
She sounds like an idiot. It's time for you to get dh to say something to her. She may not realize she's upsetting you but he needs to put a stop to it. This will hopefully prevent you guys having a bad future relationship too.

I found it hard with my first and let my mil trample all over my boundaries, I wish I'd stood up for myself or got my dh involved sooner. I have learned to say no a heck of a lot more now and feel better for it! It's just one of those things a lot of us mums have to go through

@garethsouthgatesmrs

"Maybe the crying is because she has found the journey distressing, maybe she is travel sick."

Travel sickness hadn't occurred to me, but it could explain why she's inconsolable. On the trip where she was most upset we had her just between my husband and me isolated from everyone else in a dimly lit room and she just cried and cried and cried no matter what we did. An upset tummy could definitely explain that to a degree. Although she doesn't get like that when we're on the bus for awhile, not in a carseat or pram but in a baby carrier.

Although people can get sick in cars but not on boats and vice versa I think. I've never had any type of motion sickness fortunately, but it means I know almost nothing about it.

Reading all the replies but hard to reply to each but the overwhelming theme seems to be "stop the trips".

It does feel like others are prioritising their needs over our daughter's. Right before we left last weekend MIL casually threw in that SIL wanted to have her overnight the next day. So more travel. We said no.

For those saying MIL is insensitive yes, that's correct, not all the time but when other's needs are inconvenient to her and what she wants then yep extremely insensitive.

Does she cry on the actual journey, or just when you get there?

@BustopherJones

Just when we get there. She doesn't seem to sleep on the trips just stares quietly out the window.

A couple of days ago we popped around a friend's place so several friends that had never met our daughter could meet her. Short car trip, about 12 minutes, but a place and people she wasn't familiar with. She didn't cry at all, she was her normal generally happy self, so I guess our theory that a strange place and lots of faces was a factor in her being upset was incorrect, it must be purely down to the journey itself.