Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Was my MIL having a PA DIG at me or AIBU

80 replies

ORlyNow · 11/08/2018 16:49

My husband isn't sure as he didn't hear the initial exchange and BIL who also didn't hear it thought she was just expressing genuine surprise.

Every time we take our 15 week old daughter to see the in-laws at theirs (every 2 to 4 weeks) she'll cry inconsolably the first one to three hours off and on after arriving despite our best efforts. I read this is fairly common with young babies even with family.

She cries with my husband and I as well during this intial period but more so with the extended family. Sometimes even if they just look at her she'll start crying. My MIL takes it VERY VERY personally even though it's not, it's normal, and she cries with everyone.

I gave my MIL a bottle to feed our crying daughter and she started drinking. I lightly touched my daughter's hand and back to crying. This is normal behaviour for her during this initial period, you just never know what will set her off again. That didn't bother me, other then wishing she felt better ofc.

What bothered me was the moment this occurred my MIL exclaimed in a loud shocked 'joking' tone "Mrs X!!!" "Mrs X!!!" "Mrs X!!!" You'd think I had just given my daughter a bottle of full sugar coke by her shocked tone. I just said something like "Ooops." And how upset she tends to be after we arrive there. Then when my husband and his brother turned around to see what the fuss was about my MIL said to them "She was Fiiiiiine then X touched her and she started screeeeaming." Then MIL repeated variations of that a few times, how fine my daughter was until her evil Mum touched her.

I walked out of the room because I was fucked off my husband didn't say anything to her. It's well known in the family that my MH went to shit after I gave birth and I struggled with thinking I was a bad Mum constantly and would often say it when I screwed up even little things. So I think it was insensitive for her to imply I was shit with my daughter.

I think she was actually happy I caused my daughter cry and she leapt at the chance to villainize me to make herself feel better about our daughter crying upon arrival every visit.

Was she being passive aggressive or am I just being sensitive?

OP posts:

abigailsnan · 11/08/2018 17:51

I personally think you should stop the visits and the stay overs, you and your OH and your baby are just getting into a routine as a little family and don't need the upset this is causing your baby or you for that matter.
My DIL had my GD just 12 weeks ago and even though they live nearer to us than you do to your in-laws there is no way I would expect them to bring her to visit with a lot of family here and be passed about whilst she is unsettled.
You do what you feel is right and if you need them to visit you make them do that or wait until your little one can cope better with the changes to her surroundings.
I pride myself on not being an interferring MIL as I have a long memory and remember what my MIL was like I married her only son so you can imagine my pain.

GreenMeerkat · 11/08/2018 17:53

My husband doesn't want her over at our house since he found out she slagged off how clean our house was after our daughter was born

What a cow. I wouldn't bother going at all!

happypoobum · 11/08/2018 17:56

You are visiting them too often.

Bambamber · 11/08/2018 17:58

It sounds like the journey and change in scenery and faces is really upsetting your baby, I wouldn't keep doing it. You and your baby's happiness is more important

bubbles108 · 11/08/2018 18:04

Why can't the in laws come to you?

AlphabetSoupcon · 11/08/2018 18:04

FIL did this sort of thing.

I ignored it at first because he's a dick at the best of times.
3 strikes and he was warned (by me, DH claimed he never heard anything.)
FIL continued.
I took offense and told FIL how rude he was.

Right then FIL had two choices. He could have apologised and kept quiet or he could have attacked me. He chose to do the latter.

DH was told that his father now had to 1. apologise and 2. watch himself when he was around me because I would now let NOTHING go. He had denied being a dick, so when he was a dick I would point it out immediately long and loud.

DH knew what I meant, knew I meant it and I have never seen FIL since.

Silly man.

Maybe try this OP. It takes guts to do it the first time but you teach people how to treat you and your MIL is playing with fire. Start by not answering the phone, giving no information about the baby. See if she becomes nicer. She knows damn well what she had done.

Oh and stop visits. They upset your baby.

MakeItRain · 11/08/2018 18:05

She was definitely being passive aggressive. You're probably very sensitive to it because your dd is still so young and you're probably exhausted.

I would cut down on the visits, they sound like so much stress. If she brings it up again just be passive aggressive back and say something like "yes she did start screaming didn't she, she must just be so stressed at your house as she never does anything like that at ours!! Maybe it's the long journey and all the different people around her, we think we'll cut down on the trips until she's a bit older as they just seem to make her so upset...." And if she repeats "but it was you who made her upset" just repeat along the lines of "I know, it's so unlike her, it's horrible to see her upset like that, she's so much calmer at home."

Oldraver · 11/08/2018 18:16

I think you need to say "The travel is obviously upsetting her, so for the time being I think we need to cut back"

Storminateapot · 11/08/2018 18:17

I think you've read too much into this particular comment tbh. My daughter was much the same. and if she was feeding had to not be startled at all by the slightest unexpected noise or touch or she'd kick off.

I remember one time my Mum came over (to 'help' when DD & I were poorly with flu). DD was a whingy, clingy thing who wanted Mummy only and I felt appalling, so an extra person in my house was no help at all yet she insisted on being there despite doing nothing but chatter on & on and watch tv. I told her DD needed no startles while she fed and we had a TV daytime crap gameshow on very quietly. The contestant got his last question wrong or something and into the peaceful drowsy silence for my daughter feeding mother bellowed out OH NOOOOO!! I could have cheerfully swung for her at that moment as DD went ballistic, wouldn't settle for ages etc etc. I felt so poorly, so tired, so pissed off that she couldn't just stop her yakking for 10 minutes.

It was 18 years ago and I still view that as a low point in our relationship. But actually it was about me and about how I felt, wasn't Mum's fault really. She just spoke & didn't think (Classic her, but that's another thread....). My point is I think the way you are feeling is informing your views on the things your MIL does & says right now and maybe you aren't being entirely rational.

I do sympathise. My own MIL has come out with some absolute gems over the years. She's said some really horrid things to & about me, but she's basically just a walking stream of consciousness so I tune her out like white noise.

Hammondisback · 11/08/2018 18:25

MiL’s behaviour sounds very silly - I’d put this down to oversensitivity and disappointiment at not being able to stop baby crying, then being relieved that it’s not just her, when a touch from you sparked crying. Not much empathy for her DGD, though. Her other behaviour sounds horrible - VPA. I’d stay away - invite her to visit at times that suit you.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 11/08/2018 18:29

Having read all your posts op it seem mil is indeed a funny sort with high expressed emotion
I’m afraid you’ll probably have to practice your is that right face during her outbursts
Person best places to talk to her,is your dh.and only if you think she’ll listen

Congratulations on your new baby, hope you are all well

SpaceDinosaur · 11/08/2018 18:31

So you know the journey and the people unsettle your baby?

Ok. Trying to help that, do you ensure you have plenty of stops along the way when you get Baby our of her car seat and allow her to move around? New nappy, kick about on a flat surface or just a complete change of position being carried out of her seat. At that age I would have a minimum of 2 stops in a 2.5hr journey.

When you arrive, tell them that you are going to take baby upstairs so she isnt crowded and overwhelmed as she as been on over visits.

No loud exclaiming in her face, grabbing her for cuddles etc.

Babies need consistency with feeding. Letting MIL feed her because it's a novelty for MIL doesn't help baby to reconnect. She's distressed, on edge, take her somewhere quiet and only yourself or her daddy feed her.

Once she's settled and starts seeing people from the safety of your arms, let her go to people at her pace. Poor little mite sounds overwhelmed. Being distressed to the level you described for that long isn't "normal" but there are ways you can help her and if you need to. Go to your room, strip baby, top off and give her skin to skin. It works no matter how she's fed x

MrsAidanTurner · 11/08/2018 19:40

They live 2 hours away!! Op what a horrid journey for baby!! Don't do it.

As ever knowing what she meant in the context of your general relationship, is hard to gage.

Unfortunately some mils do seem to want thier gc to love them more than the mum.
Maybe she was annoyed you set the baby off when she was happily settled..

The other stuff doesn't sound pleasant though and perhaps be firmer with her and don't visit as much that's a lot of motorway time for a baby.

StarsHollow123 · 11/08/2018 20:00

YANBU op. I would not be putting my 4month old Dd through a long drive and then a visit that distresses especially when the only people benefitting from that visit behaved the was your mil did.

She is behaving terribly and I would be very honest about the reasons the visits have stopped. Primarily the journey is simply too long for dd. Other family members are welcome to visit you but due to unsupportive and unkind comments your mil is currently not welcome.

I do think she should be given an opportunity to rectify the situation though. This would involve her acknowledging that telling people your home is unclean and making remarks trying to undermine your bond with your dd is appalling behaviour. I would want an apology and ensure that she knew if it happened again she risks her future relationship with your dd.

Good luck op

hottotrotsky · 11/08/2018 20:04

Why the heck are you schlepping over to hers?

SquidgyBanana · 11/08/2018 20:14

Blimey I would cry if I had to sit 2.5 hours in the car every 2-3 weeks, I think MIL should come to you... baby shouldn’t have to travel that much esp when she clearly becomes distressed by it and that can’t be nice for you either.

Try to stop worrying about everyone else and just enjoy this special time with baby in the comfort of your own home.

As for her comment, YANBU But don’t let her put you down, tbh I struggled going to the local shop with my babies so I think you’re doing amazing to make those long journeys x

Tistheseason17 · 11/08/2018 21:29

YANBU
Don't visit again until baby is older citing it's not good travelling hours in a car seat. And then.. relax 😊

Original poster

ORlyNow · 18/08/2018 18:16

Well we're definitely not going back anytime soon!!!! Nor inviting MIL over, after what I found out yesterday.

When we arrived last weekend my MIL wanted to take care of our daughter but apparently after our daughter didn't calm down fast enough she and her partner decided that our 15 week old was throwing a tantrum and they let her "cry it out".

She had said something about her crying to us but made it sound like she was just inconsolable but being looked after. Not that they just abandoned her to cry herself to sleep.

She told my DM this and included a picture of our daughter that alarmed my DM because she's never seen our daughter's eyes look so red.

I think MIL just decided it was a tantrum because her ego was bruised that our daughter didn't immediately look thrilled to see her.

OP posts:

BrynhildurWhitemane · 18/08/2018 18:29

That doesn't sound good. Stand your ground when MIL inevitably tries to push back.

Nikephorus · 18/08/2018 18:43

Had you thought about saying 'that's strange, she never cries for my DM, she's as good as gold' and then to DD (in cute baby voice) you say 'isn't that right, you love other granny don't you'
But definitely quit the visits, DD obviously doesn't enjoy car travel right now (or is an excellent judge of character)

ToadsforJustice · 18/08/2018 19:15

Stop visiting so often. Two or three times a year is more than enough.

nutellanom · 18/08/2018 19:16

A 15 week old having a tantrum?! She's nuts!!

Rockandrollwithit · 18/08/2018 19:20

I have to drive my baby (11 months old) regularly for 2.5 hours to attend hospital appts and we've been doing it since he was little. It really unsettles him and I hate it, wouldn't do it unless it was for medical reasons. It's been harder as he's got older too as he's less likely to sleep for the whole time. I think PILs should come to you.

TuttiFrutti · 18/08/2018 19:32

She is being passive aggressive. I had a MIL exactly like this and I can recognise the pattern a mile off now.

Have you read the book Toxic In Laws? It’s brilliant - it will explain the psychology behind why mothers of sons (and it is always mothers of sons) do this.

You can’t change her. You can however set up some boundaries. Definitely go there less.

Aprilshowersinaugust · 18/08/2018 19:34

Well I would tell mil you have decided to wait until dd tells you herself she wants to visit them.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread