To be LIVID at controlling DH

[UtahStar]

Background info - I work Monday to Thursday 8.30 - 5pm.

DH works Mon -Thursday 7.30 - 4.30 and Friday 7.30 - 11.30.

So yes, he works longer hours than me but not by loads.

I cook dinner around 5/6 times a week. I do all the shopping and meal planning. I do 100% of the laundry. I clean the kitchen almost every day and I do all the bathrooms including bleaching the bogs and washing the floors.
I walk the dog twice a day, he's meant to do it in a night but rarely does. I do the bedding, the hoovering and putting clothes away.

What does DH do? He puts the bins out. And the DIY.

Anyway tonight he's sat playing on the computer and I was playing in the PS4 whilst making dinner. He shouted through that I should feed the dog. I shouted back "can you do it as I made tea". Anyway it erupted into a massive row where he basically said I do fuck all and he does everything as well as working full time. He works slightly more hours a week than I do yet I feel like I bod every fucking thing around the house and my fuse has well and truly blown. I'm fuming and told him to fuck off. I'm sick of him fucking telling me what to do, critising, minimising what I do. I'm fucking livid and I've blown my top big time.

He's off in a sulk and I've shut the living room door as though to tell him to leave me the fuck alone for the foreseeable future.

AIbU

It might be fun to figure out what the cost of having a cook and a cleaner come in and then bill him for half the weekly cost.

Both of you make a list of everything you do. Sit down calmly and compare. Allocate jobs so it's equal overall. Take the dog out together in the evening - make it an opportunity to spend decent time together talking. Do online food shopping & set up shopping lists on there so either one of you can just add the contents of a particular list to your order without thinking about it - no more meal planning required.

YANBU. You're doing too much, he's doing too little.

What happens on weekends?

Does he often shout at you?

Funny how playing computer games isn’t seen as an acceptable hobby for adults but drinking wine and watching hours of tv is

But nah OP I think you know YANBU. I would do your own chores and let him get on with it if you’re so “lazy”. Presumably he gets home before you, does he just sit and do nothing in that time?

Why do you do everything anyway? Looks like he is used to being mothered... get a rota on the wall and DO NOT does his share ...
I never get why people do all the house work ect and accept that?

I wonder why he thinks that he's doing everything while OP does 'fuck all'? Normally it's the case that the other person thinks they work harder because they have longer hours (FT v PT) or because they bring in a big salary (v SAHM or small PT salary). Given that DH only works less than half of Friday and their hours the rest of the week are comparable it's a bit odd that he's saying he does everything. Either he's really misguided (possible) or OP doesn't realise what he is (or thinks he is) doing (equally possible) or OP is over-egging what she does while leaving out what he does (also possible).

Nikephorus I wondered that.

It could be a case of both people doing stuff, but neither appreciating the of her person.

Who knows.

Haven't read the full post - but if he's in first he needs to walk the dog and cook occasionally. HE GETS IN BEFORE YOU!!! I am part time but my OH is expected to cook (sometimes), dog walk, help out with cleaning and does all garden stuff. It wasn't always like this though...

Don't do anything else for him! If he is someone who would get angry at this then you should not be in a relationship with him.

Definitely get him to do a list of what he does at home. Say 'To help you I'll start you off' and hand him a sheet of paper with 'put the bins out' at the top and see if he can get any further.

Why do we marry men like this? I did it as well.

YANBU. He is BVU.

If it were me, I’d have left him by now. Idle bastard. And shouting at you? Fuck that!

I pity the poor dog as well.

I would make sure the dog was fed and walk him once a day. Cook for yourself, but not him. Clean up after yourself, but not him. Do your own laundry, but not his. He’ll get the message.

Actually, you should LTB. But giving him one last chance to see the error of his ways (as described above) would be a generous gesture on your part.

Also, start putting as much money as you can into a bank account he doesn’t know about and save up some money for when you leave him, which is the mostly likely long term outcome.

Honestly, it’s 2018. In the 70s both my parents worked, and my dad did all the cooking and hoovering. And walked the dog.

You're working hours aren't much less than his aside from his Friday half day! WHY are you doing so much and him so little?

I'd write out a rota so things are set. Set days for you each to cook, set times for you each to walk the dog, feed the dog, etc. Ask him what he thinks about you doing ALL the meal planning and laundry? (You could view those as a "trade off" for him working the Friday hours but only if he's not a twat about it).

Definitely need to make some changes OP!

Me and my DP both usually work full time, me working from home means I'd say I do 95% of our evening meals as I'm there before him to put something on. At the moment I'm not working at all and DP is actually doing more than usual. There should be some give and take going on, it seems you are doing all the giving and him all the taking.

Sorry to ask but who fed the dog in the end?

Who attended to the dog's needs because it actually needed to be done?

I bet we can all take a bloody guess it was the woman in the situation and I'd be surprised if that guess was wrong.

Although maybe he did do it - tiny task=massive roe is not an unprecedented thing.

@OP hope you enjoyed your game and DH didn't spoilt it for you.

YANBU. My DH cooks all meals and takes the bins out. I do everything else, from everything financial to replacing toilet rolls with every other job in-between. He once tried to tell me it's was bin night. What are you telling me for!! Make a stance or you will end up doing everything. I know my post shows we share responsibilities but they still try it on!!!!

If i have it right. He works six hours longer than you do each week. Outside the home.

So you have six hours in which to do all the house stuff you do.

While imho it's right that the person working fewer hours should do more housework, he is taking rhebpiss by doing stuff all.

Yanbu.

People might want to be aware that we're only hearing OP's version. And the 'livid' version at that. Everyone is assuming that DH literally just does the bins and occasionally hangs a picture or tightens a loose fitting. If he's saying he does everything then there's a reason for that.
I do wonder why so many MNers stay married since they're all so hard done by and yet so keen to tell others to LTB.

Nikephorus my ex insisted he did everything but in reality did very little. It's part of why he is an ex. I couldn't figure out if he genuinely believed it or if he was trying to gaslight me.

He also would get annoyed at me for things I did (e.g. leaving a light on downstairs while I briefly went upstairs) but refused to see any thing wrong with what he did (e.g. flooding bathroom floor).

My husband is disabled and he can't do much physically, but he does more than this! I do lions share obviously but he does what he can.He cooks things he can manage ( oven stuff), sits down to fold laundry, puts washing on, does dishwasher , recycling, mops floors etc. Changes beds if he is having a good day. Stuff he can't do like vaccuum. If he can do it, so can your able bodied ( I assume), husband.
Just ridiculous that this man treats you like an unpaid skivvy.
Get him told or get him to fuck!

The thing with that Nike is that OP has actually listed the jobs she does, and they comprise basically the day to day running of the household. The only thing I can see that might need doing with any regularity that she doesn't mention is ironing, and some households don't do any of that at all.

So unless she's about to drip feed that the DIY is substantial because they're in the process of doing up a wreck, or similar, then there's not much room for him to be doing 'everything'. Or indeed anything much at all, beyond a couple of dinners each week plus the bins, and perhaps ironing if they need that. It seems rather more likely that he's overestimating his contribution than it does that she's mistaken and he's the one that does the vacuuming and bogs not her.

Why do we marry men like this? I did it as well.

I would honestly like to know this. I didn't, thank God, but so, so, so many women do. What draws you to a man like this? I am attracted to men who get shit done, whether that's professionally or dinner or laundry. Just get shit done. I thought that was pretty universally attractive to women but maybe not?

The thing with that Nike is that OP has actually listed the jobs she does, and they comprise basically the day to day running of the household.
For starters who does the gardening? Cleaning the windows? Maintaining the cars? All traditionally male jobs that haven't been mentioned. Putting bleach down the toilet takes seconds - less time than the bins. Quick wipe around the kitchen? For all we know DH does that before OP comes home and she does it after he's gone to work in the morning and neither realises that they're duplicating. Chucking clothes in the machine and shoving them away afterwards takes no time - it's the ironing that's time-consuming. Who does the dusting? OP cleans the bathrooms (who many get used regularly?) and hoovers but hoovering doesn't take that long - it's the dusting & shifting bits to clean that takes more time.
My point is that we're only getting OPs biased side of this and DH claims to be doing everything. It may well be that DH does sod all, or it may be that actually he does a lot more than OP is giving him credit for. We don't know and have no way of finding out for certain. But to assume that OP is giving us all the facts & to judge DH on that is daft, particularly when I've already mentioned several jobs that haven't been allocated.

Well if he does 'everything' then you can just stop doing all the 'nothing' you do and see how long it takes him to realise what a knob he is.

Not at all. Even if he says he's too tired after work, he has all Friday afternoon to help around the house. He sounds pretty lazy to me.

No garden has actually been mentioned, so it's perfectly possible that the answer to that is nobody. Same with cars, particularly in the plural. They could easily not even have one, let alone multiples. Ironing takes zero time if you don't do any. It's quite telling nike that you're having to list jobs that could easily not exist. And trying to minimise the ones that OP is very clear she does.

She says the does the bathroom, including bleaching the bog and doing the floor, so why pick out the part of that job that takes seconds and then not mention the rest?

Also the laundry, which OP says she does, can also include the drying process- and clothes do have to be dried, whereas they don't have to be ironed. Given that there is no mention of DH doing it, the more logical assumption is that OP does it as part of doing the washing. Now this might simply involve transfer to a tumble dryer, but it could also involve pegging out. That is generally the most time consuming part of the process.

Basically, when you say that there must be a reason for him saying he does everything, you're evidently assuming that reason is because he does more than OP thinks. The reason could perfectly well be because he's wrong. It would be fine if you'd just said we only have OPs side of the story and he might be doing other things. But when you say there must be a reason and imply it's because he's actually doing other jobs, that's a reach. You're doing what you're complaining about others doing.

If you looked at my first post you'd see that I gave him being completely misguided as an option. And yes it is possible that they have no garden, a window cleaner (or no windows), only use public transport and OP thoroughly scrubs every inch of 10 bathrooms. But it's equally possible that DH does more than he's given credit for. I'm just highlighting the possibility that the version we've been given isn't 100% accurate. It's very easy to over-egg what you do. If I said I cleaned the house from top to bottom I'd be talking about an all-day seriously thorough job from the ceiling to the skirting boards and under the furniture. Other people might mean shoving the hoover round the visible bits and wiping the kitchen worktops - same description but completely different content. So OP could be cleaning everything really thoroughly or taking 10 seconds. I've highlighted the quick bits to show that some of what she lists is actually really easy and takes seconds or minutes. I'm not saying that everything is or that there won't be stuff that she's not mentioned that takes time. I'm simply pointing out that if you take her version as gospel you MIGHT be wrong (or you MIGHT not).