To want to ask this woman why she stayed with him?

[justsoannoyed]

Name changed.

This happened a long time ago, in my 20s. I'm 50 now.

I had an abusive childhood and was quite scared of intimacy and kept myself to myself and stuck to my studies as a way to get on. I entered the arts at uni in Glasgow and got involved with some community projects where an older community worker took on a sort of mentoring role. He felt like a caring uncle. His girlfriend was also an activist and strong feminist, which I admired.

Fast forward a few years, I went to London for a good job and fell in love. I was still a virgin and my first boyfriend was my everything. My 'uncle' visited and a friend warned me that he didn't approve or view me as just a friend, but I brushed it off.

It didn't work out with my boyfriend after a year and I was utterly heartbroken and devastated. After months of moping I decided to go back to Glasgow into a new job as I kept pining for the ex and everyday was a reminder. In Glasgow I stayed with the 'Uncle' friend on his offer. He was still with the girlfriend but didn't live with her. I thought all was fine.

On the first night back he made a pass and I didn't resist. I didn't care. He said he wanted to be with me, and I said I just wanted to die if I couldn't be with the ex. This sorry and sordid state carried on for about two months. He did what he wanted in the most graphic way.

I made new friends and told one about the situation and she spoke to an older female friend and I moved into her lovely safe place the next day. I cut all ties with the 'uncle', went into counselling for two years and was celibate as I got myself together. I met my future husband as counselling ended and told him all of this. Before we married, the Uncle tracked me down and asked me not to get married. I told him never to contact me and hung up. I've been happily married for 20 years.

So, here is the AIBU. The Uncle stayed with the long term girlfriend throughout and married her. She's a big name in the feminist movement. I wasn't the only one he dabbled with, I found out from other friends later on. I'm sure the girlfriend/wife knew what was going on with me and turned a blind eye. His best friend also knew.

I saw the wife today by accident. We locked eyes and I froze. She looked at me like I was dirt. I wanted to run over and shout 'why didn't you say anything, why marry such a scumbag, how are you a feminist'?

I did nothing and the moment passed.

She's not responsible, he is and obviously so am I. But I was fairly inexperienced and naive. It was a long time ago. I should let it go.

AIBU to feel angry at her too?

YABU to be angry at her, I honestly don't understand why you are?

I'm not sure myself why I felt so angry with her. Maybe for staying with someone she knows creeps on young women? It's like he's got off away with it and she's supported that?

I'm so confused. It was a long time ago and I thought it was in the past, but has touched some anger in me.

Feel angry with her for what?

Sorry I think YABU to focus your anger on her too. She was in a long term relationship with him and as far as she’s concerned you were having sex with him despite knowing they were together. I totally see your perspective on it, he was older, you were very vulnerable. But you don’t have a clue what she thinks happened or what he told her and I can see why she’d be angry too.

You are angry with her because, knowing who she is now, the younger you that you carry in your head, is probably furious with her for not having done anything to save you from her boyfriend/husband.

The older you is disgusted as she has seemingly colluded with him, possibly by dint of sticking her fingers in her ears and refusing to see/hear anything untoward.

You don't need to feel ashamed for displacing any anger towards her. It is normal to blame those who knew for the crimes of others.

Forgive yourself for your feelings towards her. Concentrate on not letting either of them get into your head and take up any more of your time or emotions

Maybe they have or had an open relationship? What you interpreted as a filthy look could have been your own guilt making you see something that wasn’t there.

@CuriousaboutSamphire

Thank you. That sums it up. I'm not going to do or say anything to anyone so nowhere but here to process this. It isn't part of my life. But for a few hours today, I went back to that awful place.

To be clear, I absolutely accept and know she isn't responsible. The rush of hot anger just shook me up

It's not feminist to blame women for the actions of men. But we are all trained to do it. It takes a lot of effort.

Sorry you're in a bad place. None of this was your fault.

**You were an adult in your twenties and it sounds late into them, mid to late twenties? How old was he?

You got involved with a man you knew was involved in a relationship
You were even friends with his partner, she had helped you out.

This is why she looked at you like dirt.**

^This completely OP. You played with fire and got burnt. Serves you right for getting involved with someone already taken.

i'm sorry OP but i don't think your anger is in any way justifiable, not at her.

you were an adult in your 20s, on a (what you regret) rebound relationship with this uncle, it sounds like it was consensual and for all she knows you were simply the other woman (if indeed she does know - it's astonishing how much people assume others pick up on which isn't always the case in families).

you could be angry at him for not respecting healthy boundaries when you were emotionally vulnerable, but i think you've massively conflated some sort of wrongdoing or issue on her part?

You had sex with her long term partner, knowing he was in a relationship and you’re pissed off with her?? . I’m not surprised she looked at you like dirt - you were shagging her partner, what did you expect?

This is written like it's child abuse, the "uncle" "creeping on young women" it wasn't child abuse, you were a grown woman involved with a man whose partner you knew.

Not being mentally well enough to make that decision or feel like he took advantage of your poor mental health is very different, but from what's written, no crime was committed here, this was two consenting adults having an affair. The only one showing anger should be her to you. Possibly you to him if he knew you weren't mentally well.

@greendale17

I was 19 and from a chaotic homelife when I met him. He was 40 and worked in a community setting to support vulnerable young people through art projects. He was a predatory male using his workplace to access women just like me. He set himself up as a father figure. I was 24 when I returned from London and he was mid 40s. This wasn't a relationship. I'd hardly even call most of it consensual. I found out later from others he did this to quite a few young women he was around. I was lucky, I made some good friends and got out ASAP.

It was a horrible time in your life. It is possible that feelings from it will ambush you from time to time and you won't always be able to predict those feelings. What you did about it was wise - you decided to talk to someone about it (i.e. Mumsnet). If you have someone you can talk to in real life then that would be even better. It's possible the anger is misdirected - but you probably need to talk about that in a safer more private space.

What is it your saying op? You were a 24 year old woman involved with a 45 year old man. This age difference is far too little for this man to be seen as a father figure when the woman is mid twenties.

Are you saying it was rape? Are you saying he raped other women? Or are you saying he shagged around?

It's quite a leap to blame another woman for being anti-feminist simply because she was in a relationship where you knowingly became the OW.

She didn't do anything wrong. She didn't collude. I doubt she knew about any of his affairs. You're assuming that she knew he was cheating because it assuages your guilt. You slept with her partner. Your ability to try to put her in the wrong in that situation is quite staggering.

Oh come on we all know predatory men who find vulnerable young women to mess with. It's not child abuse but it's not OK. None of that was either OP or the GF's fault. But they are blaming each other.

This is written like it's child abuse, Possibly because that's how OP felt it at the time. I am often taken back to the very specific emotions I felt when I was raped.

Logically I know I am now 50+ years old and the 19 year old me wasn't to blame... but the feelings don't always obey logic. The best I can do is acknowledge them and try to move on... a bit of sympathy from others often helps. Being told you are somehow wrong / odd/ childish for feeling them doesn't!

As for the 'you were shagging her partner' comments, I read the OP... the position of the man was made quite clear... his age, his position as mentor. No matter how you dice it, he took advantage of a younger, vulnerable woman.

She looked at me like dirt

She was probably thinking...there's that little tart that we took under our wings and repaid me by shagging my boyfriend

Hang on, she was mid twenties, she was living with this man and sleeping with him. Knowing he had a partner and knowing thr partner,

Now either this wasn't consensual and it was rape, or it was consensual. He didn't touch her at 19.at 24 she came back and moved in with him,

justsoannoyed is he still working in that kind of field?

Do you think he's still doing this to young women? Would you consider making his employer aware that they need to watch him?

She was probably thinking...there's that little tart that we took under our wings and repaid me by shagging my boyfriend That's most likely to be true. So we now have 2 women who are focussing on each other, rather than the man who was the root of their upset...no matter if all that happened was consensual or not!

... and another group of women who are trying to tell one of them that what happened to her was her own fault, despite her having said quite clearly that she wasn't in a good place at the time!!! Yay, go Mumnset!

More fool her, if she knew and stayed with him. Her being a feminist is neither here nor there really, but I can understand why you felt the way you describe, as the situation then was one in which a couple made you feel safe and gave you space torecover from your previous relationship.
He sounds like a predatory piece of shit.