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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to ask this woman why she stayed with him?

69 replies

justsoannoyed · 10/08/2018 15:57

Name changed.

This happened a long time ago, in my 20s. I'm 50 now.

I had an abusive childhood and was quite scared of intimacy and kept myself to myself and stuck to my studies as a way to get on. I entered the arts at uni in Glasgow and got involved with some community projects where an older community worker took on a sort of mentoring role. He felt like a caring uncle. His girlfriend was also an activist and strong feminist, which I admired.

Fast forward a few years, I went to London for a good job and fell in love. I was still a virgin and my first boyfriend was my everything. My 'uncle' visited and a friend warned me that he didn't approve or view me as just a friend, but I brushed it off.

It didn't work out with my boyfriend after a year and I was utterly heartbroken and devastated. After months of moping I decided to go back to Glasgow into a new job as I kept pining for the ex and everyday was a reminder. In Glasgow I stayed with the 'Uncle' friend on his offer. He was still with the girlfriend but didn't live with her. I thought all was fine.

On the first night back he made a pass and I didn't resist. I didn't care. He said he wanted to be with me, and I said I just wanted to die if I couldn't be with the ex. This sorry and sordid state carried on for about two months. He did what he wanted in the most graphic way.

I made new friends and told one about the situation and she spoke to an older female friend and I moved into her lovely safe place the next day. I cut all ties with the 'uncle', went into counselling for two years and was celibate as I got myself together. I met my future husband as counselling ended and told him all of this. Before we married, the Uncle tracked me down and asked me not to get married. I told him never to contact me and hung up. I've been happily married for 20 years.

So, here is the AIBU. The Uncle stayed with the long term girlfriend throughout and married her. She's a big name in the feminist movement. I wasn't the only one he dabbled with, I found out from other friends later on. I'm sure the girlfriend/wife knew what was going on with me and turned a blind eye. His best friend also knew.

I saw the wife today by accident. We locked eyes and I froze. She looked at me like I was dirt. I wanted to run over and shout 'why didn't you say anything, why marry such a scumbag, how are you a feminist'?

I did nothing and the moment passed.

She's not responsible, he is and obviously so am I. But I was fairly inexperienced and naive. It was a long time ago. I should let it go.

AIBU to feel angry at her too?

OP posts:

girlalmighty · 10/08/2018 16:42

Did he rape you op?

womensvoicesmatter · 10/08/2018 16:42

Bluntness100 please could you consider leaving this thread.

You've completely ignored the bit about this predatory man targeting vulnerable young women from a position of power.

It looks like you're building up to a sustained attack on the OP. Please, don't. She is obviously traumatised.

Go find another thread to have a go at people on, with an OP who's not traumatised.

Iknowwhoyouare123 · 10/08/2018 16:43

What was your role in the community projects OP?

Original poster

justsoannoyed · 10/08/2018 16:44

@Bluntness100

In counselling after it was discussed at the time about consent and that I did say I didn't want to do this the first night but let him continue. Sometimes I cried during it on other occasions. But I didn't stop it. He said at one point we hadn't really had sex as so much of it was anal sex (which he introduced) and that didn't count. I felt my counsellor wanted me to take on that rape occurred, but that felt too much to consider. Due to my childhood, I've struggled with consent and what is my role in it all.

If some of you have been cheated on, I'm truly sorry and that is horrible. This wasn't that. This was not a relationship or an affair. This was not equal. I'm not sure even now what it was all about. But he was predatory.

OP posts:

AutumnMadness · 10/08/2018 16:44

OP, she looked at your like dirt because you know the truth about her.

deepsea · 10/08/2018 16:44

You have misplaced anger.

The feelings you have should be solely directed at him. If you still believe he is preying on young women you need to raise it quickly with the organisation.

She deserves your sympathy not your anger op, she has had to live with the scumbag for a very long time, I suspect there is a long line of other women behind you.

C0untDucku1a · 10/08/2018 16:45

I dont fully understand this either. Was he inappropriate when he was in the mentoring role for you?

Bluntness100 · 10/08/2018 16:46

Bluntness100 please could you consider leaving this thread

No you leave the thread, I have every right to ask the question. I am not building up to anything, you do not know me.

The op has not clarified what this is. She was mid twenties, she is indicating this man was raping her and he was raping other women. At mid twenties v mid forties age isn't a factor here, mental state is.

Either way that's not the partners fault. It's highly unlikely she knows her partners a rapist, which is what's being indicated here.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 10/08/2018 16:47

Bluntness she has now clarified what happened...

Original poster

justsoannoyed · 10/08/2018 16:47

This happened 30 years ago. I'm 50 and he's retired.

I'm in tears remembering what he did. I did say no. I did.

OP posts:

deepsea · 10/08/2018 16:48

Did you even feel you could say no op? Did you say yes and agree to what he was doing to you? Or were you just frozen unable to do anything? If you were frozen and unable to consent then that would still count as rape.

Either way, you are clearly still very disturbed by what he did to you, have you considered more therapy and/or discussing this with his organisation? You do know he could still be doing this to other young women.

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/08/2018 16:48

It's highly unlikely she knows her partners a rapist, which is what's being indicated here.

And if she does know, it's probably because she's also a victim.

OP. Do you think going back to counselling is an option?

Bluntness100 · 10/08/2018 16:48

Op, ok cross posted, sorry.💐

I think you know though the anger is misdirected, you've anger at him, not her, and it possibly still needs to be addressed.

SocialPiranha · 10/08/2018 16:48

Sounds like the man took advantage of the OP when she was in a bad place and that’s on him, not his wife. She’s done nothing wrong. Maybe she is also vulnerable and he’s taken advantage of her? Not saying he has but a happy, secure person doesn’t marry someone who they know has cheated on them multiple times.

Reserve your anger for him.

C0untDucku1a · 10/08/2018 16:49

Sorry crossposted with your update. Have you considered reporting him?

Mousefunky · 10/08/2018 16:50

You are doing what many women seem to do, directing your anger at the wrong person.

Feminism is important for many reasons but a major one is to protect women from each other. We seemingly turn to blame on one another and let the men that are really to blame get away Scot free. It’s not fair.

He warrants your anger, not her.

AutumnMadness · 10/08/2018 16:50

Bluntness100, yeah, totally unlikely. If I knew that my OH was having sex with loads of women 20 years his junior, I'd be creeped out as hell. Because, as a rule, of 20-something women don't go around throwing themselves at 40-something men.

deepsea · 10/08/2018 16:51

Op I am really sorry you were raped, how awful that all of this has surfaced again. I know the feeling of the pain, shame and anguish flooding back and I am so sorry you are feeling so upset.

You are safe now, loved, you are a fully fledged woman now, he can't hurt you anymore.

Consider please, calling the police, there may be many many others, and even though he is retired he could still be a real danger to women (and probably is if I am honest)

Original poster

justsoannoyed · 10/08/2018 16:54

I am directing my anger at the wrong person. I know that. Seeing her made it spring back into my mind.

He completely did what he wanted and it was degrading and awful. He got away with it.

It's how I deal with that anger now. I think I will have counselling now. It had taken a long time to get to this point of being able to accept that what happened was so wrong.

No way could I have told anyone then. But I think others knew, which is why people got me out so quickly.

OP posts:

YaLoVeras · 10/08/2018 16:54

He was a disgusting predator and he took advantage of you when you were vulnerable.

The ''uncle's'' wife wasn't / isn't condoning his predatory well-timed abuse of you though. She is believing whatever bullcrap he told her, whatever she had to believe to rationalise staying with him.

You got away and married a decent man. You're the one who got away from him.

I don't understand why you're AS angry as you are, even though I think the 'uncle' is a predator.

I left an abusive man 11 years ago and same as you my parents parented me in a way that made it impossible for me to have real intimacy. So I think you have come out of the mess relatively well. I'm single and heading towards fifty in less than 24 months.

Have you looked at youtube clips on line, lisa romano, inner integration with meredith miller, ross rosenberg (author of the human magnet). There's a lot on youtube that might help you.

Julia Krystina has a lot of useful clips too.
Also, Alan Robarge.
Check them all out because considering what happened happened 20 years ago, you don't seem to be in as strong a place as you could be.

AutumnMadness · 10/08/2018 16:55

I don't think the anger is re-directed here. The OP is just as angry at the man as his wife. The wife was an older woman, in relative position of power. She could have done something to protect younger vulnerable women. Her public persona as a feminist does not go together with her relationship with his predatory man. It's hypocrisy.

Yes, she could have been a victim too. But that does not absolve her of all responsibility. Women who are married to abusers and have children with them still have the obligation to protect their children. Many people who grow up in abusive households feel anger not just towards the abuser but also at the other parent who did nothing to protect them from the abuse, and I do not see this as unjustified. Doing what is right is not always easy, but this does not mean it's the right thing.

Original poster

justsoannoyed · 10/08/2018 16:56

I couldn't go to the police. I would never be able to handle that. The comments some made on here would happen a hundred times more. Can you imagine?

OP posts:

AutumnMadness · 10/08/2018 16:57

"does not mean it's not the right thing."

YaLoVeras · 10/08/2018 16:57

''I'm in tears remembering what he did. I did say no. I did.''

omg you poor thing. I'm sorry if I sounded trite there typing ''you're the one you got away from him''.

I hope you can put the shock of seeing her behind you.

bastardkitty · 10/08/2018 16:58

@Bluntness100 I am disgusted by your posts on this thread. Even by your standards, they are really fucking low.

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