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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed at husband for saying if he was a woman he would pay to have a C section?

80 replies

1tobleroneplease · 10/08/2018 13:05

I had my baby in January and my Labour was normal and classed as 'quick'. However I was/am astonished at how painful the whole experience was and when talking about it at a bbq last weekend my husband piped up and said 'if I were a woman I'd pay for a private section, I wouldn't have that happen to my vagina'.

He never at any point mentioned or suggested that I should consider a private section which means he's happy for me to go through it but he would never do it himself. It also makes me feel like he's maybe not happy with my post baby vagina?!?

I know it's petty and hypothetical and I would never have paid for something like that knowing my pregnancy was low risk etc even if he had offered/suggested it. I'm proud of what I went through and have a healthy gorgeous girl.

It's just a very thoughtless and arrogant thing for him to say and I've been dwelling on it and when I brought it up he's just said I'm being argumentative.
AIBU?

OP posts:

glintandglide · 10/08/2018 13:30

It depends on how you look at it. Risk of what?

If you have your tummy cut open for a straight forward c section your recovery is undeniably more serious than a straight forward vaginal brith. That’s just standard, before you consider anything going wrong in either situation

MrSpock · 10/08/2018 13:33

I mean that’s not necessarily true, I recovered within a day and was off all pain relief within four. My friend who had a waterbirth with a tiny tear had stinging piss for weeks.

You have a lower risk of stillbirth and low/no risk of needing instrumental delivery which is the highest risk to everyone.

Mousefunky · 10/08/2018 13:37

I’ve had terrible experiences giving birth and my recovery definitely wasn’t any quicker than it would have been following a c-section. Think losing 4 pints of blood, needing two blood transfusions and still feeling and looking like a ghost for a month after. Think extended episiotomy to allow forceps and the stitches bursting open and becoming infected. Fucking horrendous. I’m having an elective c-section this time and I reckon it’ll be a walk in the park in comparison.

I agree with your DH.

Raspberry88 · 10/08/2018 13:38

I recovered within a day and was off all pain relief within four
Yep, me too, couldn't believe it but I was up within hours...it was a fantastic experience.
You have a lower risk of stillbirth and low/no risk of needing instrumental delivery which is the highest risk to everyone.
This. A completely straightforward vaginal birth is not a given at all...
Of course it's important to say that you shouldn't need to pay for a c section too...you are entitled to one if that is what you want.

MrSpock · 10/08/2018 13:40

Raspberry88 me too, I expected it to be more difficult than it was. I was up within 24 hours but that’s because they had to adjust my pain relief as I’m one of the people morphine does f/a for lol.

A lot of people forget the risks of vaginal.

Original poster

1tobleroneplease · 10/08/2018 13:43

My OH has 2 children from a previous partner and was there at their births so he has some experience of what child birth entails.
Maybe I'm being sensitive about it, our sex life has dwindled off quite abit (understandable because of young baby) but it's more dwindled off from his side than mine, hence me taking his comment about vagina maybe a little too seriously? It just made me wonder.
All of you saying YABU I understand why it comes across that way, my husband is very shy and wouldn't usually make a thoughtless comment like this and I guess because I'm feeling sensitive about things I've taken I to heart more than I normally would.

OP posts:

Cornishclio · 10/08/2018 13:45

My daughter had an emergency c section with her first after a long labour when they suddenly discovered the baby was breech after a labour that was not progressing. She went for elective c section for a second. She recovered quickly after both but the 2nd was a little more painful and took longer presumably because the muscles were not as strong as pre c section. Even so she recovered fine. I know people who had long lasting medical complications after vaginal deliveries. Certainly my pelvic floor muscles were never the same after a very fast vaginal delivery with my 2nd daughter.

In the case of the OP though I think it was just a badly thought out comment on the pain of giving birth and a misunderstanding of what a c section involves. I would not give it a 2nd thought but maybe take it as a compliment that he is saying he could not do what you did.

LeighaJ · 10/08/2018 13:47

Everyone heals differently, the two women I've known who had c sections required 3 weeks and the other 6 weeks to recover.

I recovered much faster then I expected to from my delivery, I'm positive a c section would have been the wrong choice for me in regards to recovery time.

YorkieDorkie · 10/08/2018 13:48

YABU. He would BU if you'd said you wanted a private section and he said no but you didn't want one...

I doubt he meant it how you've interpreted it. Also agree with PP about expressing your concerns.

Original poster

1tobleroneplease · 10/08/2018 13:48

And yes I agree he has no idea of the complexities of having a C section, I'm sure he was just meaning regarding the pain.
I think I'm just annoyed that it seemed he would never go through that pain but he let me do it. I want him to acknowledge how well I/we women do rather than just making a joke about it.

OP posts:

Amanduh · 10/08/2018 13:49

You are over reacting

Figlessfig · 10/08/2018 13:49

Sounds like the poor man was amazed and horrified by what he saw you going through in labour, and was acknowledging that you’re a better and stronger person than he is. I would take it as a compliment.

You’re waaaay overthinking this. Calling him out on it was argumentative and also a bit weird. Sorry.

MrSpock · 10/08/2018 13:49

Everyone heals differently

This makes a huge difference in my opinion. I am a fast healer in general. Cuts, surgery, injection sites, all heal very quickly with minimal pain.

Motherhood101Fail · 10/08/2018 13:54

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

wheezing · 10/08/2018 14:00

I also think you are overreacting. My DP has said things like he doesn’t know how I did it, he couldn’t ... blah blah...
It’s not offensive, I think it anything it’s them trying to say they don’t understand how we possibly did it.

LeighaJ · 10/08/2018 14:01

@1tobleroneplease

"I think I'm just annoyed that it seemed he would never go through that pain but he let me do it."

He didn't "let you", you're an adult and it's your body, you made the decision for yourself, your body, and your vagina.

If he was pregnant it would be his body, his choice.

@MrSpock

Whereas I heal very poorly from cuts, surgery, stitches, etc. :/ I figured if I could minimise the need for stitches down to some small vaginal tears then I'd be better off. Even so I was honestly shocked at my rapid recovery after giving birth.

I remember they sent 2...nurses I think to help get me up and into the bath after I gave birth and they found me walking around packing up my stuff to go. I told them I'd just take a shower in the other ward that way they could get the room ready for the next woman waiting.

donquixotedelamancha · 10/08/2018 14:01

which means he's happy for me to go through it but he would never do it himself. It also makes me feel like he's maybe not happy with my post baby vagina?!?

Well the sentence you wrote doesn't mean either of those things. Like PPs I would have assumed he was by being sympathetic by engaging with what you were saying, but we weren't there, so obviously can't tell tone.

It's just a very thoughtless and arrogant thing for him to say and I've been dwelling on it and when I brought it up he's just said I'm being argumentative.

Did you bring it up from the point of view of discussing your worries, or telling him he'd said something wrong? Did you call him thoughtless and arrogant? As others have said, the issue is not being able to discuss feelings constructively, not the comment itself. That is not any one person's fault, but it needs addressing.

wheezing · 10/08/2018 14:02

Also to say, giving birth is horrific when it’s all hypothetical isn’t it? Imagine being a man and watching it, I guess you would think that.. no? Because you don’t understand how your body couldn’t possibly stretch like that and tear itself apart because their bodies aren’t built like that. Not to say ours are built to do that easily obviously.

AngeloMysterioso · 10/08/2018 14:02

I'm with your DH on this one! I'm utterly terrified of childbirth, if/when DH and I conceive I will be begging for an ELCS. Not so much out of concern for my vagina than my mental wellbeing though.

Viviennemary · 10/08/2018 14:03

I think it's fair enough if that's what he thinks. But he isn't really in a position to give an opinion as he won't be in that situation. I'd hate to have a c secion. Don't fancy being cut open. Still each to his own. Or I should say her.

Trinity66 · 10/08/2018 14:03

You're over reacting

wafflyversatile · 10/08/2018 14:05

It's probably just a throw away comment that those of us who have never given birth would make as an acknowledgement of the pain etc.

If your sex life has dwindled a bit more than you are happy with I guess you can talk to him about that. You don't know what is causing it from his pov unless you talk to him.

IDontEatFriedTurtle · 10/08/2018 14:05

It could mean he was saying he was impressed. I think mostly he was just being an insensitive nob who should best stfu about something he has only the smallest idea of tbh.

Really unfair you aren't allowed to discuss your feelings about something that happened to you without being called argumentative.

Uncreative · 10/08/2018 14:09

I think it is a bit of a leap to get to that conclusion.

Give him the benefit of the doubt. If I heard that, I would think he was shocked by the whole experience and can’t imagine being able to do that if he were in your shoes. Unless there is a history to suggest otherwise, I think that he is in awe of you and what you went through giving birth. Nothing more than that.

Topseyt · 10/08/2018 14:14

I wouldn't be offended by this at all. I'd even take it as a compliment, so him saying that he admires how you managed to do what you did and admitting that he would be unable to cope with it.

I suspect that many men who watch their partners giving birth are secretly (or not so secretly) glad that they were born as males and will never have to go through pregnancy, childbirth, periods etc. .....

I just can't see it as offensive at all.

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