To ask about reality of your relationship?

[KM99]

OH and I been together 12 years, married 8. Have one DS aged 4.

We rub along ok, he's a great Dad and in many ways a good partner in parenting, owning a house etc. He's so hands on, does more than his share of all the housework. But when I think of spending the rest of my life with him I feel flat about it.

We bicker a bit, both want control and we are quite different in our personalities. He is introverted, sensitive but sometimes his communication skills can be very abrupt. I'm outgoing, extrovert and can be quite domineering in conversations. We had therapy in the past, we've tried to work on our issues with a little success. We just seem to have the same regular arguments about how we communicate and we try to control. None of this is earth shattering or major. But it wears me down. And after each one I just feel like calling time on things.

I don't know what I'm trying to ask here. Part of me feels I should spend more time appreciating all the positives we do have and yet a part of me thinks am I just settling?

I'm not some dewy eyed teenager who thinks love is all romance, flowers and swinging off the chandelier. But I can't help wondering if there is more to life? Or maybe I need to start finding hobbies and interests that fulfil this "gap" I feel?

Am I just a typical 40+ year old having a midlife crisis? Can anyone relate?

Fully prepared for people to tell me to get a grip. I'm a big girl and can take it 😁

Sounds more or less the same as my relationship!

I think most are like this, but perhaps a lot of people are not prepared to admit it .

Personally I think it is quite natural. As you say, it isn't all kittens and rainbows. If someone says they are ' still madly in love' or ' still fancy the pants off ' their partner after more than , say, 2 years then I simply don't believe them.

I also believe a large number of relationships are practically sexless. A hell of a lot more than will be admitted to anyway.

So you aren't are your own, but that doesn't answer what you can you do about I guess. If you are feeling unfilled having some new interests or challenges might just help.

YANBU.I think long term relationships can slip into business/practical partnerships and sucks the life out of any enjoyment you have as a couple. Relationships require regular “maintenance” to stay worthwhile which can be difficult when you’ve got a million other things going on. I think people stick together because of finances, routine and stigma.

I’ll be honest.... your post makes me a bit sad.

I’ve been with DH 31 years. I can’t bear the thought that one day one of us will alone.....

As our children get older our life together is just getting better and better and I’m sure, in fact I know I’m not the only one. We have friends who have said the same.

We ARE different on some ways and we sometimes argue, usually something about the children, but he is my best friend and I honestly want to spend the rest of my life with him.

And I do still fancy him like crazy and he very clearly feels the same way about me!

DH is quite likely to die in the next 12 months. We are chalk and cheese. We were laying on the hospital bed yesterday and he just said 'we're a good fit aren't we?'. And we are, opposites attract.

What we do have is (a) communication (b) passion, but with every relationship there have been peaks and toughs but we still kiss, touch, stroke and cuddle. It grieves us both that physical intimacy isn't an option at the moment.

I feel very sorry for those of you that just muddle along with no grand passion. Must be awful for you.

I don’t believe all relationships are like this. I think people want to believe that because they are afraid to take risks or be alone. I saw a really depressing thread on here not long ago saying that realistically, women over 45 couldn’t ‘afford’ to be fussy and should just settle if they don’t want to be alone.

I think that’s rubbish. I think life is short and precious. Make every moment count and don’t waste time ‘settling’ If you believe you need to ‘settle’ then you will. If you believe you can have more then that’s what you’ll get. We are all products of our own minds imo.

One thing it took me YEARS to realise, is that one person really can't provide everything you need in a relationship. I'm now 50 and it was only in the last few years i've realised i need my friends to fill in the gaps in my relationship with my dh. It is unrealistic to expect one person to provide the other half to me. I blame all the Disney crap we were sold as children, expecting a Prince Charming to give us a happy ever after. I'm much happier, now i'm not expecting or blaming my dh for not fulfilling all the roles i need i my life.

Yeah I have to agree with BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou I can't imagine ever being that indifferent with DH. I love him to absolute pieces, he is my best friend and my partner in so many ways. Having said that before o met DH I knew how tempting it was to stay in a relationship that wasn't terrible, but wasn't great either just because it's what you know and it's comfortable. I decided I couldn't live a life I felt meh about for all my years and eventually moved on.

You need to be honest with yourself and each other. Are you willing to work on things and try to get through it or not?

Every relationship has its issues. I've been with DH for over 15 years, married for 9. Since having kids 5 years ago our relationship has really been through the mill. It's not been great at times but I do think there's always been a willingness to work through things and try to work together. No matter how unhappy we've been, we've recognised we're not happy and want to change it.

If you don't feel like there is the desire to change or fix things, then it's probably for the best to end it.

I’ve been with DH twelve years and we are still madly in love and fancy the pants off each other so that theory is rubbish.

We also don’t argue other than the odd bicker (have never had raised voices or storming out). He gets me and I get him.

I settled a lot when I was younger and he’s my second husband. He had two long term relationships with lots of arguing and flouncing. So we were both wary and didn’t commit until we were sure.

I’d rather spend time with him than anyone else. Surely that’s the point?

I agree with *TimeForANew’. I realised after years of frustration that my dh isn’t responsible for me trying to live a life that I find fulfilling. He doesn’t have the same passions as me. Mainly, he’s a homebod and I love to go out regularly.
He doesn’t mind holidays and specific events but doesn’t do spontaneity or days out just for the sake of it, which I love.
I accept him now for who he is and I go out and about and do things I want to do either by myself, with the kids or friends if I fancy doing something that doesn’t appeal to him (which is often)
We tick along quite well now.

Thanks everyone, hearing all of your stories is great food for thought.

I think a lot of it does boil down to me working on myself. I'm not the easiest person to live with and yet my OH gives me constant support.

I think the root cause is down to this instinct I have to sabotage myself (worked that out in therapy recently) and I'm realising I'm doing this to my marriage. With a good man who I do love and who treats me well.

I say I don't believe in all the Disney stuff but I project that onto our relationship when I'm "looking" for faults.

Just writing this post alone has helped me reflect more clearly. I can't expect to have a future to be excited about if I'm not prepared to make the effort too.

What is it that needs to be in control? What is it you're trying to control?
Find out that which is dominating your thoughts that you need to control everything and perhaps ignore it or just let it pass.

I’m in a similar position. My DH is helpful and supportive, great with the kids and like my best friend. I enjoy his company and enjoy doing things together, but the romantic spark has gone. When we do argue it’s always the same things - his poor management of money or his forgetfulness. Every time we have the argument I tell myself I can’t do it forever, but then it never feels enough to tear my family apart over.

I know life isn’t like the movies and passion fades, but sometimes I just feel sad.

I'm in a similar situation to you - DH and I are very different but we both want control. When we are going through a rough patch I do wonder if we're just not well suited and maybe there's someone out there who would be a better match for me, but I think I'd just be swapping one set of problems for another. Like me and everyone else, DH has flaws and good points - it's just a question of whether you can live with those particular flaws and good points.

I also agree that you cannot expect your partner to fulfil your life in every way. I would hate that kind of pressure! I used to get annoyed that DH didn't enjoy the same things as me, but now I go off and do them with friends. Some people think it's odd because we do a lot of things separately, but as long as you're ok with it then what does it matter?

Do you feel like a team? That's the bottom line to me. If one of you is sick, does the other one sweep into action to pick up the sick person's tasks?

What's this nonsense about no one being madly in love after 2 years?! Or even fancying their spouse?
Of course this happens!

OP when you are in the position of evaluating a relationship and it becomes not a matter of “if” you will end it but “when”, then is the time to make plans to leave in an orderly manner! It sounds as if you aren’t at this stage yet.
Is your OH willing to enter into a discussion about what you both aspire to in the future? Maybe he feels a flat as you do. Counselling may help — more constructive if it’s is to enrich your relationship while it’s still viable and not left until it starts to break down. If you can share your thoughts without either feeling defensive/blamed etc you can maybe make plans for a future to look forward to.
Good luck

I can really relate to your post, OP. Almost as though our marriage slowly evolved into more of a friendship. I feel sad at the thought of not feeling desire or being desired again.

New year

I'm still besotted with my OH and it's been 32 years. We are the best of friends, we bicker and make up, but we don't really have major falling outs. I realise I am extremely lucky, but it can happen.

NotTheFordType we are totally a strong team.

Our therapist said we have a strong foundation and she felt we just needed to work harder on the connection part.

I think that's the crux of the problem. We are focused on getting the day to day running of life right and lost sight of each other.

1st marriage, got together young, lots of attraction, sex etc. Settled into life together, routine, bickered a bit about some things bit nothing major, had kids, sex life died down - maybe a couple of times a month, I felt he didn't help out enough, felt very lonely at times, he called time on it when the kids were small.

2nd marriage, I was late 30's he was early 50's when it started. Our relationship just got better and better as time went on, my spirit lifted when he was nearby, he was my home and I wanted nothing more than to be with him. The sex started off good and just got better and better, after 7 years together it was probably 2 or 3 times a week. We almost never argued. We just got each other and worked really well together.

You are describing a plateau.
Nothing wrong, nothing particularly right just rubbing a long.
As an outsider reading your post I couldn’t help but feel you need an injection of glamour, of fun and adventure.
I would be looking to book an exciting holiday, changing my look - a makeover and maybe even a lifestyle change. You sound bored, so shake it up. You are still young and healthy, your dc are becoming less demanding and you now have a chance to make something happen.
I wouldn’t throw out your marriage but I would throw everything at it to make it better, happier and more enjoyable for you both.
Pad out your life with bew friends, hobbies and passions. Instead of looking for others to fix it. Good luck

Hallouminati very different but you both want control? So you want someone more passive who you can control? You'd soon be bored. There's no problem with doing things separately -again you'd soon be bored if you did everything together. Appreciate what you've got. No one out there is perfect.